


Springkeep Adoption Agency

by sometimesiwritespn



Series: Ageplay/Involuntary Regression [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Accountant Sam Winchester, Additional Warnings Apply, Adoption, Age Play, Age Play Caregiver Castiel (Supernatural), Age Play Caregiver Dean Winchester, Age Play Caregiver John Winchester, Age Play Caregiver Sam Winchester, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Car Accidents, Caring John Winchester, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Doctor Castiel, Domestic Fluff, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Epilepsy, F/M, Family Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Future Dean/Original Female Characters, Graphic Description, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Infantilism, Injured Dean Winchester, Injured John, Injured John Winchester, John takes care of her, John takes her in, Little Space, Loving Dean Winchester, Loving Sam Winchester, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Medical, Medical Procedures, Non-Sexual Age Play, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Not really adoption but close enough, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Police Officer Chuck Shurley, Protective Dean Winchester, Protective John Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, Romantic Fluff, Sastiel - Freeform, Seizures, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Traumatic Brain Injury, involuntary regression, samcas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-04-24 20:20:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 22
Words: 95,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14362899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sometimesiwritespn/pseuds/sometimesiwritespn
Summary: [Set in an AU where there's no Supernatural.][Excerpt from the story]“Yes… she’s twenty-five years old.” Anna says before clearing her throat. “But she is regressed to an infant stage. On good days she’s regressed to a toddler stage, but she hasn’t had many good days since she came to the agency. We are unsure of how long she’s been regressed like this, but it looks like it’s been a while. When we had the doctor our agency is affiliated with check her over, he managed to find her chart and found that she’d gotten a traumatic brain injury a few months back. Her caretakers said she’d fallen down the stairs, but now knowing of their drug use, we have a feeling she was actually being abused for all this time, and possibly longer. Our doctor believes the traumatic brain injury was when she regressed.”In which John gets a call from Springkeep Adoption Agency about a twenty-five year old girl with involuntary regression, and he takes her in to give her a loving home.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is another story of mine I'm going to be writing. Unlike with Trauma, I don't have much written yet, meaning updates might be more sporadic than with Trauma. I'm hoping to update at least once a week, though.
> 
> Kudos and comments feed the muse, let me know what you think! I know this is just an introduction chapter, but I hope you guys still like it.

“Mr. Winchester? Hi, this is Anna from Springkeep Adoption Agency. I know you had expressed interest in adopting with us before, but due to some paperwork errors, things fell through. However, if you were still interested, I have someone here that I think would mesh well with your family.” 

John’s eyes widened as soon as he heard he was getting a call from the adoption agency, and they only continued to get wider as Anna continued to speak. He had once thought he’d found the perfect little girl, but then the mom decided she wanted her back, and things had fallen through. John had decided he wasn’t going to seek it out anymore but had told the agency they could call him if they needed him. “Really?” 

Anna could practically hear the excitement over the phone, and she smiled. “Yes, Mr. Winchester. Although, it’s a bit… untraditional. Her name is Meredith, and she came to the adoption agency a few weeks ago. She was found in an abusive home, where her caretakers were doing drugs and had overdosed, leaving her alone. When she was found she had been sitting in a dirty diaper in her crib for days, and was malnourished, as well as having some other medical issues.” 

John couldn’t help but to notice how she’d mentioned untraditional, and then had said ‘caretakers’ instead of parents or guardians. “Caretakers?” He questions, going out to their front porch. Sam and Dean were currently visiting, so they were in the living room watching something on TV, and he didn’t want them to hear this conversation.

“Yes… she’s twenty-five years old.” Anna says before clearing her throat. “But she is regressed to an infant stage. On good days she’s regressed to a toddler stage, but she hasn’t had many good days since she came to the agency. We are unsure of how long she’s been regressed like this, but it looks like it’s been a while. When we had the doctor our agency is affiliated with check her over, he managed to find her chart and found that she’d gotten a traumatic brain injury a few months back. Her caretakers said she’d fallen down the stairs, but now knowing of their drug use, we have a feeling she was actually being abused for all this time, and possibly longer. Our doctor believes the traumatic brain injury was when she regressed.” 

“Wow.” John says quietly. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He had heard about littles – hell, everyone had – but he didn’t realize something like that could happen. Littles were getting more known lately. There were places popping up where littles and their caretakers could go to have fun and not be judged, and there were even starting to be some little adoption agencies, but the Springkeep agency was not one of those. He wondered how she’d gotten into their care. “Does the doctor think she can come out of the regression?” 

“At this point, we’re not sure. The doctor is hopeful, but due to the nature of her brain injury, he’s thinking it’s unlikely. But, perhaps, with the right care and loving environment, she would be able to come out of the regression.” Anna says. “We were hoping to have her out of the agency by now, because she really needs to get to a new home. Building trust with her is going to take time, so we were hopeful she would have found a home by now, but no one has had the resources or availability for how much care she would need. Which is why we called you.” 

John knew he would be able to give this girl the kind of care and love she needed, and hopefully she would be able to come out of the regression. Now that Sam and Dean were thirty and thirty-five, respectively, they were both on their own, working and having their own lives. Since Mary had passed away years and years ago, John was all alone in his house; that was why he’d wanted to adopt in the first place. He didn’t have any large time commitments, meaning he’d be able to be with her most of the time, if not all the time. “I’d like to come in and meet her. What did you say her name was again? Meredith?” 

Anna smiles happily when she hears John is seriously considering it. “Yes, her name is Meredith. Because this is a strange situation, and she is not a minor, you don’t necessarily have to adopt her. That means the paperwork is less, you’d be able to take her home more quickly, and there’s less room for it to fall through. When are you available to come in?”

Looking back inside the house where Sam and Dean were still lounging on his couch, John sighs. He wished he could go right then, but he didn’t want Sam and Dean knowing anything of this yet. They’d been excited at the prospect of having a little sister during the first adoption and had been disappointed afterward when it hadn’t worked out. He knew they’d be excited about him taking in this girl, even though she wouldn’t be their sister.

Despite the fact that she wasn’t a baby and was actually twenty-five years old, John knew they’d be okay with it and would be happy to help take care of her. This was going to be a long, difficult road, and he knew it, but he was already starting to have a soft spot for this girl that he hadn’t even seen yet. “I can come in in a few hours if that works for you.”

Upon hearing it was okay if he came in in a while, John hangs up and goes back into the house. Sam and Dean were already discussing how they needed to head home, because they both had work in the morning. Sam was working at an accounting firm and Dean was working at a garage, rebuilding and repairing cars. “It was good to see you, dad.” Sam says, and John smiles, giving both boys a quick hug.

“It was good to see you too, boys.” Both of them could tell there was something going on with him – he seemed much happier than he had just a few minutes prior, but they didn’t want to ask and ruin it. “Come over again soon, you hear? You two are close enough that I should be seeing you both more than once a month.” 

Both Sam and Dean agreed that they would start coming by more often, and John watches them as they exit out of his house. He stands on the front porch, watching them get in their cars and drive their respective ways to their houses. 

John stands out on the porch for a few more moments, collecting his thoughts. It was possible that his whole life was about to change, all within the matter of a few moments. But if it did, it was going to change for the better. 

That thought was what brought John back into the house, pulling on his jacket. He grabs his wallet and keys, putting his shoes on, then going out to his own car. It was only a few minute drive, so within ten minutes he was out of the car and walking into the adoption agency.

‘Springkeep Adoption Agency’ was written in large letters over the top of the doorway, and John breathes out heavily, then taking a deep breath to calm himself. He didn’t know why he was so nervous, but it was a mixture of nerves and excitement. Upon coming to the front desk, he sees a redhead, who he can only assume was Anna. “Anna?” He questions, and Anna looks up from her computer, smiling when she sees him.

“You must be Mr. Winchester!” She stands up, reaching her hand out to shake his hand. John says to call him John, so she nods her head. “John, right. Thank you for coming in on such short notice and for being open to this. She’s an absolute sweetheart, and we’ve had a few people that have wanted to take her home, but with their time commitments it just wasn’t going to work out.” 

John smiles, nodding his head. “My boys are all grown, so I’m happy to take someone in who needs a lot of care. I’ll admit I don’t know a whole lot about caring for littles, but I can’t imagine it’s that different from a baby.” 

Anna nods her head. “Taking care of littles is a lot like taking care of a baby, yes. But she’s different, due to her brain injury and the abuse she suffered. She’s still very small and malnourished, and she doesn’t like to eat a lot. She also doesn’t make many noises. We believe she’s possibly afraid to make any noises, so she doesn’t cry or anything like that. We have to keep a vigilant eye on her to ensure her needs are being met, because she doesn’t give any indication of anything.” 

Sighing, John rubs his hand across the back of his neck. He was a little worried about taking care of someone who had been horrifically abused, but he figured it would just take a lot of patience and love, and he could do that. “Where is she?” 

Anna brings them to a door, once again reminding John about her being nervous, and that she didn’t look good. They were trying to keep her out of a diaper as much as possible, due to the terrible rash. But they had a sheet laying over her bottom half along with a pad underneath her to catch any urine or anything else, and she had a soft t-shirt on her upper half. 

John slowly approaches the crib, feeling his heart starting to swell as he sees her sucking on her thumb. Through the t-shirt she had on, he could see just how thin she was. It was obvious she had gone hungry much more than the few days it’d taken anyone to find her after her caretakers had overdosed. “Can I…?” He questions, gesturing to the sheet. Anna nods, lifting the sheet for just a moment so he can see. John glances down, then immediately closes his eyes, shaking his head. How someone could do that to someone so defenseless, he would never know. 

“Hi, sweetheart.” John coos quietly to her. He reaches a hand down into the crib, going to cup her cheek in his hand, but she immediately tensed, her eyes wide. He quickly stills his hand, going to pull it out of the crib. “You don’t have a pacifier for her?” 

“We tried giving her a pacifier, but the only ones we have are the ones for real babies. Those don’t work for her since she has teeth. We tried, but it hasn’t worked out.” Anna says, and John sighs. It was obvious they were fond of her, but they just didn’t have the resources necessary to take care of her how she needed to be.

John nods his head. He thought they would have been able to get one, since she’d been there for a few weeks now, but what did he know? “Can I spend some time with her?” He already knew he was going to be taking her home, but he wanted her to start getting more comfortable with him. It was probably better to establish a rapport there, where she was at least somewhat comfortable, than for the very first time when she was brought to a new home.

Nodding her head, Anna moves toward the crib. She lowers the side of the crib, smiling down at Meredith. “Hey, you.” She says softly, reaching her hand out to smooth her hand over her hair. Meredith tensed up, quickly looking over – only relaxing a little bit when she sees it’s Anna. “I have someone here that wants to meet you. His name’s John. He’s a good guy, okay? He’s not going to hurt you.”

John can see Meredith doesn’t understand what she’s saying, but he’s glad she’s at least saying it. He watches the exchange with soft eyes, then looks up when Anna starts to adjust Meredith. Because she only had a sheet on her bottom half, Anna started to adjust it to where it was more wrapped around her than just laying on top of her. That way she would still be protected, but it would allow it to breathe more than a diaper would. 

“Move slowly and carefully. Make sure you look at her and praise her if she makes eye contact with you. But go ahead and pick her up, preferably cradling her instead of setting her on your hip or anything. That way she can look at you.” Anna says and John nods, exhaling nervously.

He moves forward to the crib, reaching his hands back down to her. “Hi, sweetheart.” He says gently, in a soothing tone. “My name’s John. Is it okay if I pick you up and hold you for a little bit?” He reaches his hand out to cup her cheek, wincing himself when she starts to tense. “Shh, it’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you.” John keeps his hand on Meredith’s cheek, gently stroking his thumb over her cheekbone. He waits until she relaxes a little bit, giving a small smile when she does.

Meredith’s eyes were searching the room worriedly, but she was looking everywhere except at John. When he moves a little closer, she suddenly looks up at him. It startles John to suddenly have bright green eyes staring into his own hazel gaze. “Hi, honey!” He says, continuing to keep the soothing tone in his voice. “Such a good girl, looking at me. You’re so brave, you know that?” 

Meredith is continuing to stare at him, and John uses the distraction of his voice to slowly place his hand under her legs. He then manages to get his other arm under her upper back, before lifting her up and into his arms. She tenses up, and John just continues to coo to her softly. “I’ve got you. You’re okay.” He says tenderly, starting to sway her a little bit. It was just like holding a toddler. She was so light, from being malnourished for so long, and it had John’s heart aching. 

John looks down at the crib where she’d just been laying, his eyes widening when he sees blood on the mat she’d been laying on. “Anna, she’s—” 

Anna just nods her head sadly. “As I said, the rash on her bottom is very bad. When we first brought her here, we were hoping using medicines on it would help it and we could still keep her in a diaper. But it only continued getting worse, so eventually we decided no diaper would be best for as long as we could. We’re doing our best to get it healed, or at least closed, but obviously that hasn’t happened yet.” 

Just those few sentences Anna speaks has his heart breaking. She’d been through so much pain in her life. Who knew what her life was like before she’d gotten the TBI that made her regress? Who knew what all they did to her while she was regressed? It wasn’t like Meredith could speak up for herself and tell them what had happened. He closes his eyes, exhaling heavily once more, continuing to sway her gently. 

“When can I take her home?” John asks, surprising even himself. He had thought he was going to go home and think about it, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t bear to leave her there, knowing that even though they enjoyed having her there, they didn’t have the necessary resources for her.

Anna was certainly surprised that John had asked that with such conviction, but a smile formed on her face. She’d heard of John’s reputation, which was why she thought perhaps he would be a good fit for Meredith. “Well, if you would like, tonight we can get the paperwork ready and you can take her home tomorrow night. Only if that’s feasible for you, though.”

John nods his head. It would be a little difficult getting everything he needed for her in one day, but he would manage. It also wasn’t necessary that he got absolutely everything tomorrow, but he at least needed to get the essentials. Diapers, pajamas, medicines, formula, extra nutrients, pacifiers, and of course, a crib. “That sounds good to me.” 

John leans back down to the crib and deposits Meredith into it, then he makes sure to keep his hand where Meredith can see it. “I’m going to be back tomorrow, okay, sweet girl? You just hang in there. I’m going to take such good care of you, I promise.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured I'd at least post the next little bit that I got done, so you guys have a little bit more to go on than just that first chapter. There's a lot in this chapter about the rash on her bottom and talk of epilepsy, so if that's triggering to you in any way or anything, just be warned.
> 
> Hope you guys like it!

What no one knew was that Meredith understood much more than she was letting on. She could understand them when they talked, and she could even say a few words herself, but mostly she just kept them to herself. Her TBI made it hard to speak and get the words out she wanted sometimes, and her old caretakers would get mad at her for it, so she decided she just wouldn’t speak anymore. None of the new caretakers had any problem with that, since they just assumed she couldn’t speak… so she wasn’t being coaxed into talking, meaning she just wasn’t going to.

It was getting to be late afternoon when John called the adoption agency, saying he wasn’t going to be able to make it in that night. A bunch of shit had happened with him getting the basic necessities for her, so he wasn’t ready tonight, but he would be by first thing tomorrow to pick Meredith up. 

Meredith sat. And Meredith waited. And Meredith watched. She could see out a little sliver of window, where she would look to see what time of day it was. As the sun started to go down, Meredith’s heart started to sink. He didn’t want her anymore. He had promised he would be back, didn’t he? No… he’d promised he was going to take care of her. But that involved coming back. And now he wasn’t coming back. 

He must have decided that she was too broken. That he couldn’t handle taking care of someone like that. This wasn’t the first time it had happened. Many people had promised they’d be back, only for Anna to come in a couple days later and tell her that they were going to find someone soon. But none of them had ever held her before… none of them had tried to make her feel comfortable. In her infant mind state, John not coming back felt like it was the end of the world. 

Still afraid to make any noise, Meredith started to cry. She turned herself, so she was curled up on her side, not caring about the sheet that was laid over her or how it had landed. She had mastered the art of crying silently, so tears just started to roll down her cheeks, and no one was any the wiser. 

Hannah, the girl who took care of her most often, ended up coming in a while later to feed her a bottle. Meredith’s back was turned toward the side of her crib facing the wall, meaning her back was to Hannah. But once Hannah saw she was crying, she quickly lowered the side of the crib, placing her hand on Meredith’s back. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” She coos, looking under the sheet to see if there was something going on there, but there wasn’t. 

Figuring maybe she was hungry, Hannah got her all situated so she could feed her a bottle – but Meredith just turned her head away. Well, this wasn’t good. This was a step back from where they’d been yesterday. They were just starting to get her to eat more, and now she was once more refusing. She hadn’t eaten that much for lunch today, either, so Hannah knew she had to be hungry. “Honey…” Her eyes are sad, wishing she could help with whatever had her feeling so low. But she couldn’t, not knowing what it was she had to fix. “I wish you could tell me what’s wrong.” 

Today had been a good day for Meredith. She had been regressed to a toddler stage instead of an infant stage, where she would be able to talk if she was talking at all. They still fed her bottles even when she was regressed to a toddler, because it was simpler than trying to force her to eat out of a spoon and all that. Meredith had been so happy, so excited, that she was finally going to go to a home that she’d had a good day. Now, that was all dissipating. 

Hannah sits there and rubs her back for a while, realizing that her tears weren’t stopping, nor slowing down. Obviously, something had her upset, but she didn’t know what. “I’ll be back in a little bit, okay, sweetheart?” She asks softly, ruffling Meredith’s hair once as she stands up, placing the side of the crib back up. 

Just as Hannah was about to exit the room, Meredith shocked her by speaking. Normally, her speaking for the first time would have been a cause for celebration; however, the words she spoke made Hannah’s heart break for her. “No one wants me.” 

That was when Hannah realized what was happening. She’d been informed about John coming to see her, and that he said he’d be taking her home tonight. She’d also been informed that he was no longer coming tonight, but instead coming tomorrow. That must be what has Meredith so upset. She thought John was no longer coming for her, just like all those other families that had said they were coming back.

“Sweetheart, no.” Hannah says softly, stepping back over to her crib and lowering the side of it again, before kneeling next to it so she’s more at Meredith’s level. “He’s still coming, I promise. He’s just coming tomorrow morning instead of tonight, okay? He still wants you.” 

Meredith didn’t believe that for one second. John had promised. He had promised he was going to be back tonight. Since he wasn’t back tonight, that meant he didn’t want her anymore. Meredith just turns back onto her side, so she was facing away from Hannah, the tears still falling down her face at a rapid rate. Hannah sighs quietly, rubbing her back for a few more moments before exiting the room, going to call John.

The phone rang repeatedly until it finally went to voicemail. Hannah sighs. She had hoped John would pick up, so he could at least talk to Meredith or something, but no such luck. “Hi, John, this is Hannah from Springkeep Adoption Agency. I’ve been the primary caretaker for Meredith these past couple weeks she’s been here. She’s been rather upset tonight, thinking you’re not coming back and that you don’t want her anymore… I tried reassuring her you were coming back, you were just coming tomorrow morning instead, but she doesn’t believe me. I was just hoping you could maybe talk to her… or we’ll see you tomorrow morning. Just give me a call back if you get this. Thanks.” 

John was busy getting the nursery all set up. He had finally managed to get the things that he needed, so now he was getting things set up. He’d gotten a crib, a changing table, a rocking chair, a bunch of clothing, more than a few pacifiers, and some stuffed animals. He’d spent a good chunk of money, but he didn’t care. It was all going to be worth it in the end. 

Because of getting the nursery set up, John didn’t hear his phone buzzing in the kitchen. By the time he got everything set up it was well past midnight, and John didn’t even realize his phone wasn’t in the bedroom with him. He set his alarm for 8:00 the next morning so he could be there first thing and fell asleep. 

The next morning, John got ready quickly. He got into the shower and was in the middle of drying himself off when he heard his phone buzz out in the kitchen, like he’d gotten a text message. He goes over to it, skimming through the text message he’d gotten from Sam – then realized he’d missed a call from the adoption agency at 10:00 last night.

Eyebrows furrowing, John listens to the voicemail. His eyes widen when he hears that Meredith had been upset all night, his heart breaking knowing that she thought he wasn’t coming back for her. John quickly throws on a shirt and his shoes, grabbing his wallet before practically running out the door. Damn it, why didn’t he think to check his phone before he went to bed last night?

When John gets to the adoption agency, he quickly goes in, his eyes worried. He sees a brunette standing there, noticing her nametag says ‘Hannah’ on it. This must be the girl that had called him last night. “Hannah?” He asks, waiting until she turns around. “Hi, I’m John Winchester. I’m so sorry, I didn’t even realize you’d called until this morning. How is she? Is she okay?” He asks, concern written in his voice.

Hannah gives him a small smile, extending her hand to him so she can shake it. “Hi, John. It’s okay. She’s still pretty upset. I do the overnight shift, obviously, and last I knew she hadn’t fallen asleep all night. I haven’t been in there in… half an hour now, so it’s possible she’s fallen asleep, but it’s unlikely.” 

John already feels the guilt churning in his stomach. He should have been closer to his phone. He should have checked it before he went to bed. But he didn’t, and now he was going to have to deal with the consequences of it. Now Meredith didn’t trust him, and he hadn’t even managed to bring her home yet. “Can I see her, please?” 

Hannah nods, leading him to the room once again. His heart breaks all over again when he sees Meredith laying there. She’s curled up in the crib, trying to make herself as small as possible, and John can see she’s shaking. She must be absolutely exhausted from being up all night in general, but crying was tiring as well. He thanks Hannah quietly, before entering the room slowly. 

“Sweet girl…” John says quietly, giving a small smile when Meredith suddenly gasps and turns over, so she can look at him. It’s obvious she’s been crying all night. Her eyes are red and puffy, the skin around them obviously irritated. Her nose was also red, and he could see some snot on her shirt from where she’d wiped it throughout the night. 

John’s heart was broken just looking at her so upset, and knowing he was the cause of it. “Hi, baby.” He says quietly, after he manages to get his head situated. He steps toward the crib, lowering the side of it and reaching his hand down into it again. John places his hand on her cheek to stroke her cheekbone again, waiting until she starts to relax a little bit. “Baby girl, I’m so sorry. I promised you I’d be back last night, and I didn’t make it back here. I should have at least came by to tell you what was going on, and I’m so sorry. But I’m here now, and you’re going to come home with me… as long as that’s okay with you.”

“Don’t want me.” Meredith whimpers quietly, her eyes sad. John didn’t think it was possible for his heart to break this many times, and yet, here it was breaking all over again. He shakes his head, kneeling next to the crib.

“No, no. That’s not true, Mer. I want you. I want you to come home with me. You want to know why I couldn’t come get you last night?” He asks, hoping for a response; he doesn’t get one, so he just continues. “I couldn’t come get you last night because all day I was trying to find things to set up a nursery for you. It was hard finding things that would be suitable for you, sweetheart. I was up until midnight putting together your nursery and making sure everything was perfect… just for you. I would love if you would still come home with me.” 

Meredith sniffles quietly, just looking over at him. John was hoping she was going to speak more, but it seemed that wasn’t the case. “Come here, sweet girl.” He says softly, wrapping the sheet up around her to make it a make-shift diaper, before gently scooping her up how he had done two days before. “You must be exhausted, huh? You should try to get some sleep.” 

She starts to suck on her thumb and John curses himself for not remembering to bring a pacifier. This was all so new to him, and he had no idea what he was doing. Meredith is looking up at him with wide eyes, and John gives her a soft smile when he meets her gaze. “You’re such a good girl for looking at me.” He praises softly. “You’re so brave and strong. I wish I was as strong as you, you know that?” 

John is hoping for any sort of response, but instead Meredith’s eyes just shift away from looking at him. He swallows hard, seeing her starting to withdraw into herself again. She probably felt like she shouldn’t have made it known that she was upset, so she needed to reign herself back in again. “I’m not going anywhere, honey. Try to get some sleep, okay? I just have to fill out a little more paperwork and then we’re going to head to your new home. I won’t hurt you. I’ll keep you safe. I promise.” 

As John starts to walk around the room slowly, swaying Meredith in his arms, she starts to slowly drift to sleep despite all better judgment. Every time she’s about to fall fully asleep, though, she jerks and wakes herself up. John can see she’s worried about falling asleep with someone around she doesn’t know. He continues to coo to her, telling her it’s okay to sleep, and that he’ll keep her safe; and eventually, she finally falls asleep, too tired from having been up the entire night. 

Once Meredith is asleep, John walks out of the room where she’d been in the crib. He wanders around until he finds Hannah and Anna (ha) sitting, Hannah looking over Meredith’s chart and Anna looking over the rest of the paperwork John had to fill out. “Okay, John,” Hannah starts, looking up and gesturing for him to have a seat with Meredith, “You’re going to have to take her for doctor visits. At least one every month, until we see improvement in her weight and other things. Because of her TBI she has epilepsy. So far, she’s only had a couple of seizures, so it doesn’t seem the epilepsy is severe, but you need to watch out for it. Meredith needs to have supervision pretty much at all times. Night is different, because she’s asleep, but just make sure you have a way to hear her if she wakes up or if something happens during the night.” 

John nods his head, looking down at the sleeping girl in his arms. She was still sucking on her thumb, and John gives a small smile, brushing his fingers through her hair gently. “Okay. What do I do if she has a seizure?” 

“You need to make sure you time it. If it gets to be anywhere close to five minutes, you need to call for an ambulance. She already has neural deficits due to the TBI and the seizures, but a seizure lasting over five minutes can give her even worse deficits. Otherwise, she needs to be put on her side, and make sure nothing is placed in her mouth.” John now has Meredith cradled in one arm while he starts to write notes down about what Hannah is telling him. “Because of her diagnosis, it’s not necessary that she go to the hospital every time she has a seizure. But if the seizures start coming more than they are now, so a few in a day, or having a seizure every day for days in a row, that’s when you need to start seeing a doctor. And if a seizure gets close to or passes the five-minute mark.” 

Anna then jumps in. “If she gets sick, most of the time it’s not reason to panic, but it still is a good idea to call the doctor. We already have her set up with a doctor, and the agency is taking care of all of the expenses, so you don’t need to worry about that. Just know that you can call him at any time and he’ll likely be able to get her in that day if he feels it’s something she needs to be checked out for.” 

John nods his head in agreement. They talk for a while longer about Meredith’s medical conditions and what to do when specific situations happen, and then John fills out a couple more pages of paperwork. The entire time, Meredith is asleep on his lap, but she’s not curled up or anything toward him. John was just holding her, she wasn’t trying to snuggle in. John hoped at some point he could get her to the point where she was comfortable enough to cuddle up to him, but they were going to have to take baby steps. 

Once the paperwork was all filled out, Anna smiles happily at John. “Alright, she’s all yours. She’s not legally a part of your family, because she’s not a minor, but you will be her guardian and you are her proxy for any sort of medical situation that may come up. I wish you both nothing but happiness, and I hope you’ll come back and see us.” 

John promises they’re going to come back soon so they can see everyone there, but he knows that will be at least a few weeks. They had already discussed not having John have anyone come over for the next couple of weeks while Meredith started to get settled down and started to spend more time with him. Hannah quickly said goodbye to Meredith, placed her in an actual diaper instead of the sheet she’d had on, handed John a tiny bag with her few possessions in it, and then they were free to go.

He’d managed to find a car seat that wasn’t big enough to the point where she wouldn’t be able to comfortably sit in the car with it, but it wasn’t too small to hold her. John brings Meredith to his car, starting to set her down in the car seat. As soon as he does, though, Meredith wakes up and her eyes shoot open. He can see her opening mouth, like she wants to cry out, but she doesn’t, still too scared. 

John’s eyes widen, and he notices her squirming, realizing that her bottom must be extremely sore. He can feel his heart clenching at knowing she has to be seated in the car in order to get her home, but she’s going to be in pain the whole way there. “Shh, shh… oh, baby, I’m so sorry… It’s just going to be a few minutes, okay? I promise. Then I’ll get you right out and you won’t have to sit up for as long as you want.” 

He knows it’s useless trying to talk to her, knowing how much pain she was about to be in. He hates that he has to do this, but there’s literally no other way to get her home. John does have a blanket in the back seat of his car, so he places that down in the car seat to help with cushioning, but he knows it’s not going to help that much. “I promise I’ll get you out of here in just a few minutes, okay? I’m so sorry.” 

He gently places Meredith back down in the car seat, noticing her eyes filling with tears and how she desperately wants to cry, but she won’t let herself. John gets her strapped up as quickly as he can before jumping in the driver’s seat and making the journey back home. He’s speeding, but the ride home feels like it takes hours instead of the few minutes it actually does take. 

John wastes no time in parking the car and getting out when he gets home. He pulls open the door, where Meredith’s face is red from her crying, unstrapping her and picking her up, cradling her in his arms so there’s no longer anything pressing against her bottom except for the diaper. “I’ve got you, sweet girl. I’m so sorry. We don’t have to do that anymore, okay? I promise.” 

It was heartbreaking knowing she was in so much pain and she wanted to cry out, but she was forcing herself not to. John carries her inside, quickly going to the nursery and laying her down on the changing table, pulling off her diaper. He winces upon seeing just how bad it looks, knowing that must have been agony for her. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart…” John grabs one of the topical medicines they’d given him, knowing that this would hurt as well. “We’re just going to put some medicine on, okay? It’s going to hurt for a second but then it will feel so much better, I promise.” 

He also has an idea forming in his head, but that’s going to need to wait until he gets the medicine on and gets a sheet at least wrapped around her. John quickly puts it on, his heart clenching when he feels and sees her tensing up, but he knows in the long run it’s going to help. A few minutes later he’s done, and Meredith is just laying there, tears streaming down her cheeks at a rapid rate. “It’s okay. All done, we’re all done. I’m so sorry, honey.” 

John grabs a sheet to gently wrap around her waist, so her bottom has room to breathe, then scoops Meredith up and carries her downstairs. He goes into the kitchen, grabbing an ice pack out of the freezer and wrapping it in a couple paper towels. John then lightly presses it down there through the sheet, and a small smile forms on his lips when Meredith stops squirming and releases a heavy breath that she’d been holding. “There we go. That’s much better, right?” 

He kisses her forehead as she clings to him, her chin coming to rest on his shoulder. “There’s my girl. I know this isn’t how you wanted to start your new life… it’s certainly not how I wanted you to start your new life. I’m sorry that was filled with so much pain. But I’m going to protect you from that pain from now on, you hear? I’m going to take care of you. I promise. Already, I love you so much.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, here's what's going to happen with this one! "Trauma," my other story, is going to be updated on a weekly basis, but this one is going to be more sporadic. Since it's going to be sporadic, I figured I would just post things as I have them written, instead of updating on a specific time basis. I hope that's okay with you guys!
> 
> Please comment & let me know what you think! I'm really enjoying writing this story so far. <3

It was the first day John and Meredith were home together, and Meredith still hadn’t stopped crying from being placed in the car when she was sore. He still felt terrible, but at least she wasn’t still in the extreme amount of pain she’d been in. John had left the ice pack pressed against her for a while, until it started to get warm, before removing it. 

That was the first time Meredith had made a sound, except for the few words she’d said to him while she was still at Springkeep. When he removed the ice pack from where it was pressed against her, she had whimpered. John quickly placed the ice pack back in the freezer, grabbing another one out. “You want another one?” He asks softly after she whimpered, grabbing another paper towel and placing it back where the other one had been. 

As soon as she whimpered, Meredith’s eyes widened, and she immediately silenced herself. “It’s okay, sweet pea.” He says gently, kissing her forehead. “You’re not going to get in trouble for making noises here, okay? You can make as many noises as you want.” 

Despite the reassurance it was okay, Meredith stayed silent. John sighs, kissing her forehead again, keeping her head close to him. He knew she was going to be fussy, because she’d only gotten an hour’s worth of sleep on top of being in so much pain. “Okay, sweetheart. How about we get you your pacifier, hmm?” He goes back up to the nursery, opening one of the dresser drawers and pulling out a pacifier, brushing it against her lips.

Meredith looks at him solemnly, John immediately praising her for looking him in the eye. He could see eye contact was something hard for her, which was likely why Anna had told him to praise her whenever she did it. It was just becoming natural for him now. But despite her looking him in the eye, she didn’t open her mouth to take the pacifier. John gives her a reassuring smile. “It’s okay. Just open your mouth, and you can suck on it. I know before they wouldn’t give you them because you would bite them, but this is okay. I promise.” 

Meredith looks down at the pacifier he’s holding warily, before opening her mouth. Her cheeks heat up when John starts to praise her again, placing the pacifier in her mouth. She sucks on it a couple times before realizing it was okay, just like he’d said, so she started to suck on it more contently instead of experimentally. 

John hears her stomach growling, and he smiles. “Is someone getting hungry?” He asks in a soothing tone, even though he knows Meredith isn’t going to respond. She now has her chin placed on his shoulder, probably so she doesn’t have to make eye contact with him. He couldn’t believe someone would be able to hurt someone so defenseless and vulnerable like she was – and hurt her badly enough that she was afraid to make any noises or make eye contact.

He brings her down the stairs to the kitchen, where he has everything set out that he needs to make a bottle. He reads the instructions carefully on how to make it, adding the extra nutrients like he was supposed to. Meredith is still clinging to him, her stomach growling, but she’s not even squirming. John could understand what they meant when they said they had to keep a vigilant eye on her to make sure her needs were being met. 

John had at first thought she just didn’t make any noises to show she was hungry or needed to be changed, but it looked like she didn’t give any indication at all. She didn’t squirm, didn’t whimper, didn’t look a certain way. She just… sat there. 

He’s having a little bit of a hard time keeping her in a comfortable position since he can’t place his arm under her butt, and he needs his other hand to make the bottle, but he’s managing, considering she’s clinging to him like he was going to leave and never come back. John gets the bottle all situated within a few minutes, then heats it up and checks it to make sure it’s not too hot. “Relax, baby. I’m not going anywhere.” He says softly, going to the living room to the large armchair he has in there. It rocked back and forth and could also recline, so he figured it would be the perfect place for her to eat. 

John places the bottle down on the end table placed next to the armchair, being careful of her bottom as he gets them both situated in the chair. He makes sure she’s not putting any pressure where her rash is, then leans her back so she’s resting against his arm. John then grabs the bottle, taking the pacifier out of her mouth and guiding the bottle in. Meredith is looking around the room, anywhere but at John, but she doesn’t start sucking on the bottle, instead just holding it in her mouth. 

“Sweetheart, you need to eat.” John says softly, moving the bottle around in her mouth a little bit. “You’re hungry, so I know you want to. It’s okay, I promise. You’re not going to get punished for eating.” It was like those were the magic words – once she thought she wasn’t going to be punished, she started to slowly suck down the formula, her eyes falling shut. 

Down by her side, Meredith’s hand was clenched in a tight fist; so tight her knuckles were starting to turn white. He frowns upon seeing that, using the hand on the arm that was cradling her to place his hand over hers. “Relax, sweetheart.” He repeats again, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. He waits until she relaxes her grip a little bit, then slowly pries her hand open so he can place his hand in hers instead. 

“There we go, there’s my good girl.” John coos to her while she continues to eat. He had been worried she wasn’t going to eat the whole bottle, since she was hesitant about eating in the first place, but soon enough the bottle was all gone. He takes it from her mouth, sitting her up just enough so he can burp her, before helping her to lay so she was laying against his chest when he reclined the armchair back. 

The rest of the day had mostly been spent trying to contain her urine and other movements since she still couldn’t wear a diaper, getting her cleaned up, snuggling her, and her sleeping. By the time 9:00 rolled around, John was also ready for bed. It was just like having a real newborn infant. You had to be watching her at all times, and it was tiring. It was only the first day, and John felt more whole than he had in a long time, but it was still tiring. 

Once the show he had been watching finished, he yawned and slowly stood up with Meredith still in his arms. He brings her into the nursery, getting her changed into a long-sleeve pajama shirt so she wouldn’t get cold during the night. He puts more medicine on her rash, placing a mat down in the crib like they had at the adoption agency, and just places the sheet on top of her instead of around her like a diaper. 

John switches on the baby monitor, looking down at the girl with fond eyes. She was beautiful – and not just in the sense of being a beautiful little girl. She was just beautiful in general, and so sweet. John didn’t understand how someone could be so cruel. “I love you, sweet girl.” He whispers softly. 

The next few days were pretty much spent how the first day had gone. John was still trying to build up Meredith’s trust, Meredith was absolutely silent, they snuggled a lot, and he mostly focused on feeding and nap time. It seemed like she didn’t get much sleep when she was at the adoption agency, and he could see why. There were always new faces coming to take care of her or coming to see her, and that could be scary. So, the fact that she was starting to sleep more had John happy, knowing that she was starting to get more comfortable in her new home.

The fifth day was when Meredith actually woke John up for the first time. Every morning prior, he had gone into her room at 7:00, to find she was already awake. She would be passively laying in her crib, hardly acknowledging John when he came in to get her ready for the day. But the fifth day, John woke up due to whimpering he could hear coming from the baby monitor. Looking at his alarm clock, he could see it was 6:47, and he quickly gets out of bed. 

He’s worried something terrible happened that would make her actually want to whimper, despite being afraid to make a sound, so he doesn’t bother pulling a shirt on, only pulling on a pair of sweatpants before he’s rushing to the nursery. “Meredith, sweetheart?” John asks softly as he flicks the light on. He’s expecting to see blood, or something even worse, but she’s just laying in her crib, whimpering. John slowly goes up to the crib, dropping down the side of it and placing his hand on her back, since she was laying on her side. “Good morning, sweet girl…”

John gently picks her up from the crib and brings her over to the changing table. Her diaper rash was finally starting to get better. It still looked terrible, but there at least wasn’t an open wound that was bleeding anymore. Now that it was closed, John knew he’d finally be able to give her a proper bath, because he’d just been wiping her down every day. But that could come later, not right now. 

He quickly places a layer of medicine over the rash, before using a new type of diaper he had gotten. It was a cloth diaper, and the people selling it had said the fabric was very breathable, so he hoped it would work better than the normal diapers he’d be using later on. Once the diaper is on, John changes her into a onesie and grabs her pacifier from her crib, where she’d spit it out in the night. He pushes it into her mouth and picks her up – and the entire time she hadn’t stopped whimpering. 

John holds Meredith close and goes downstairs to get a bottle ready, but when he tries to feed it to her, she just turns away. Okay, so she wasn’t hungry. John didn’t understand what it would be that was making her whimper if she wasn’t hungry and she didn’t need to be changed. Then, it suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks; she was starting to feel comfortable enough around him to make noises. There wasn’t anything wrong right that very second – she just hadn’t been able to let out noises for so long that they were all starting to rush out now. Perhaps she’d had a bad dream or something of that sort, which would make sense as to why she’d started whimpering in the first place. 

“Oh, sweetheart.” John says quietly, wrapping his arms around her tightly and starting to walk around the house with her. “I’ve got you. You’re okay.” Normally if a baby was crying or whimpering, John would be shushing them, but he knew shushing Meredith would only lead to worse things, so he was doing everything except shushing her. “You can cry baby, it’s okay. It’s okay, I promise.” 

She was whimpering up a storm, there was hardly any time between her whimpers, except for when she had to breathe. But despite John telling her that she could cry, her should make any sound she wanted to, she was refusing. At least this was getting to be a step in the right direction. “Did you have a scary dream, sweetheart? Is that why you’re upset? Or is it just that you’ve been holding everything in and now it’s just all coming out?” 

Whenever John tried to stop walking, Meredith would just whimper even louder, so he continued walking around the house to soothe her. He was swaying her as they walked, and he could feel her hands clinging to his arms so hard her nails were digging in. John knew that she would probably rather be clinging onto his shirt, but since he’d rushed in there so quickly, he still didn’t have a shirt on. 

Those next few days were filled with whimpering. Meredith didn’t want to eat a whole lot, but John was continuing to make her eat. Sometimes she got upset with him for it, but he’d rather her be upset with him than her starve. She was already so thin, she didn’t need to lose any more weight because he wasn’t feeding her enough. He was also okay with her being upset with him, because if she was showing she was upset with him, that also meant she was continuing to get more comfortable around him. 

On day eight, so one day over a week that Meredith had been staying with him, John finally decided that her diaper rash was healed enough where he could give her a proper bath. He’d been washing her hair every other day, but she hadn’t gotten cleaned up as much as she should have been for the past eight day she’d been staying there. It was probably even longer than that, since the rash had been so bad at the adoption agency as well. 

“How’s a bath sound, sweetness?” John asked when he pulls her from her crib, having already looked underneath the sheet to see how it was doing. “That way we can get you all nice and clean, and maybe it’ll soothe your rash a little bit, hmm?” 

As soon as John picked her up, Meredith wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed herself close to him, resting her chin on his shoulder. She brings one hand to her mouth to suck on her thumb, since her pacifier had fallen out during the night. John turns his head to the side, so he can kiss the side of her head, an easy smile on his face. The first few mornings Meredith had been there, she’d allow John to pick her up, but wouldn’t try to get closer to him in any way. Now she was finally starting to snuggle up to him in the morning. It wasn’t a lot, but it was a step in the right direction. 

While holding her, John grabbed a new onesie and a diaper, as well as the medicine he needed. He carries her into the bathroom, humming out quietly as he does so. “You’re such a good girl, you know that?” He says softly, leaning down so he can turn the water on. He makes sure it’s hot, but not too hot, then sits back to wait for the bath tub to fill up. As it starts to fill up, John sets Meredith down on the floor so he can start getting her pajamas off her. Now that her rash wasn’t as bad she was starting to wear onesies, since the cloth diapers seemed to be working well. 

As soon as Meredith was placed down on her bottom, though, she whimpered and tried to get up, still clinging to John. “Shh, it’s okay, sweetheart.” He says softly, helping her to instead sit up on her knees and not on her bum. “Just gotta get you out of your pajamas, then you can lay in the tub for a while, okay?” He keeps one hand placed on her back as he starts to get her out of her pajamas and out of the diaper. John tosses it aside to set it in the wash for later, then hoists Meredith back up and slowly lowers her into the water.

Meredith gasped as soon as her bum was hitting the water, and she whimpered quietly. “Just give it one second, baby.” John soothed, and she sniffled, grabbing onto John’s upper arms tightly while he lowered her in. Once she was fully submerged in the water, John helped her to lean back, keeping his arm behind her so he could hold her. He figured it would be fine for her to lay back if he was there, so her head didn’t end up going underneath the water.

As the hot water started to work on her rash, Meredith started to slowly relax. She was looking around the bathroom, removing one hand from John’s arm to suck on her thumb again. John breathes a quiet sigh of relief as soon as she starts to relax. He had hoped the hot water would feel good, but he had also been a little nervous it was going to hurt her more. It seemed to be working, though, and he was grateful for that. 

It had been a couple of days since Meredith had made eye contact with him. He was hoping to at least get eye contact once a day, if not more, but the past few days that hadn’t been happening. “Baby girl, can you look at me?” John asks, and he sees her hesitate; so, he knows she understands what he’s saying… she’s just worried about doing it. “Please?”

Meredith continues to look around the bathroom for a few more seconds, her demeanor still showing her hesitation. She finally looks over at him, her eyes widening when she sees the smile on his face and the softness in his eyes. “There’s my little girl.” He coos, brushing his thumb against her cheek. “You’re so beautiful, you know that? And you’re such a brave girl for me. Your rash is starting to get better, you’re starting to make noises… everything is starting to come together, sweet girl.”

He brushes a piece of blonde hair away from her face, leaning forward to press a gentle kiss to her nose. She makes a small sound, and John smiles gently. “You know, a long time ago I went to Springkeep, and there was this little girl there. I thought she was perfect. She was just a week or so old, and she was beautiful. She had this auburn hair, but her eyes were green, just like yours. Then her mom decided she wanted to keep her… I thought my world was caving in. But it turns out I was just meant to have you instead.” He leans forward to rub their noses together, and he can’t help the smile that forms on his face when Meredith ends up smiling back at him, even though it’s small. 

“My sweet girl. Alright, let’s get you cleaned up, that way we can have breakfast soon, yeah?” Josh kisses her nose again before grabbing the soap. He grabs a wash cloth and starts to get her all cleaned up, making sure to clean her bum, even though it makes her whimper. “Just one second, baby, I’ve got you.” He cleans it quickly but efficiently, then places the wash cloth on the side of the bath tub. 

John grabs his phone when it buzzes, seeing that Sam was calling him. He bites down on his bottom lip, looking down at the girl who was absentmindedly moving her hands in the water. “Just one second, okay, sweetheart?” He sits up on the edge of the tub, answering the phone. “Hey, Sammy.” 

“Hey, dad!” Sam says, surprised John had answered the phone. “I’m surprised you’re up so early, I expected to get your machine. Anyway, I was thinking that today when I get done with work I’d come over and we could have dinner or something!” 

John groans silently, rubbing his hand over his face. He’d specifically told Sam and Dean he wanted them to come over more, and now he was going to have to tell Sam he couldn’t see him for at least another week. “Actually, Sam… As much as I would love to do that, I can’t. I… have a large time commitment for the next week. Well, and for much longer than next week… but I can’t see either of you until next week.” 

Sam frowns, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. “You can’t see me or Dean for the next week?” He questions, glancing behind him to make sure no one was paying attention to the fact that he wasn’t actually doing work and was instead just talking on his phone. “What’s going on, dad? Dean and I noticed there was something going on when we were there. So, spill.” 

John chuckles quietly. “Ah, you boys noticed, huh? Well, it’s actually a big thing, so I’d rather not tell you over the phone, and I’d rather tell you boys together. Just… give me another week, and I’ll be happy to tell you boys what’s going on.” 

Sam nods. “Alright, whatever you say, dad. You sound happy, and that’s all that matters. I’ll call Dean and tell him that in a week he and I are going to have to come over. Just… let me know if you need anything, okay?” 

John agrees, telling him that he would call if he needed anything. He then sees in the calendar that Meredith had a doctor appointment scheduled for that afternoon. This was the first time they were going to be seeing the doctor. They’d said once a month, but they’d all decided it would be better if the first appointment was sooner, rather than later, since John was technically a new ‘parent.’ He’d been informed that the doctor was named Dr. Novak, and he was through the hospital that Springkeep was affiliated with. Hannah had assured John he was one of the best, and that he’d been taking care of Meredith since she came to the agency, so Meredith was already familiar with him. 

“You get to go see Dr. Novak today.” He coos softly while he leans her back, so he can get her hair wet. “He’s going to check you over and make sure everything’s looking good… and that I’m doing a good job taking care of you.” Even though he wouldn’t admit it, that last part had him a little nervous. John was doing everything in his power to make sure Meredith was comfortable, was starting to trust him, and was taking care of her as best he could – but there was still a part of him that was nervous he wasn’t doing a good job.

John starts to wash her hair, rubbing his fingertips over her head gently. Meredith’s eyes flutter shut, and she opens her mouth like she wants to make a sound, but she doesn’t. “It’s okay, sweet girl.” John coos, using his fingernails to gently scratch her scalp. “If you want to make a sound, you make a sound. It’s okay, I promise.”

He continues to work at her head until Meredith finally releases a few soft sounds, like a kitten mewling and pushing her head up into his hand; and John can feel his heart melting. “There you go… there’s my good girl. You’re such a good girl.” John continues to massage her head a while longer before taking the water and rinsing her hair out, being sure to not get any of the suds in her eyes. 

John gets her all wrapped up in a towel and dries her hair, brushing it out. He checks her rash to make sure it didn’t look any worse, but it in fact was starting to look a little better. He then gets her into the diaper and a onesie again, before scooping her back up into his arms and taking her downstairs. 

The morning passes by just like normal, where John feeds her a bottle and they snuggle for a while. She drifts to sleep for a little bit, but then soon enough it’s time to start getting ready for the doctors. “Alright, sweet girl. Time to get up.” John whispers, rubbing her back.

Meredith didn’t want to wake up, and she would have loved to either grunt or groan, but instead she just slowly forced her eyes open. “Someone’s a sleepy little one, aren’t they?” John coos, pushing her pacifier back in her mouth as it was starting to dangle. “But we need you awake for Dr. Novak, so he can see how well you’re doing!” 

John hoists her up so she settles on his hip, going to quickly pack a diaper bag for her. He knows they’re not going to be long, and he probably doesn’t need that much stuff, but he still packs extra. Quite a few diapers, bottles that were pre-made and just needed to be heated, a couple extra pacifiers, and a small blanket were all stowed away in a bag that he slung over his shoulder. 

He had tried to set Meredith down for a second, so he could pack the diaper bag, but she had just clung tighter onto his shirt. It still seemed like she was anxious he was going to up and leave at any second. Which, he could understand, considering her previous caretakers had just suddenly ‘left’ her when they had overdosed. “Relax, baby.” John says softly, his hand rubbing on her back gently. “I’m right here.” 

Once the diaper bag was all packed, John (somehow) managed to get his shoes on while still holding Meredith, grabbed his wallet and keys, and they headed out the door. “You’re going to have to sit in the car seat for a little bit, okay, sweetheart?” He says softly. “But, I grabbed an ice pack in case you want it.” He has it wrapped in a couple of paper towels this time, since she was going to actually be sitting on it and he didn’t want it to be too cold. 

Placing it down in the car seat, John then sets Meredith down in the car seat. She whimpers for a second, until she feels the ice pack, and she starts to slowly settle down. “Good girl.” John praises, strapping her in quickly so they can leave. 

The drive to the hospital where Dr. Novak worked was a bit longer than the ride to the adoption agency, but they made it in good time. The appointment was supposed to be at 1:00, and they made it there by 12:45 so they could check in and get everything set up. 

John knows there’s a possibility people are going to be staring once he gets her out into the open. Littles were steadily becoming more well known, but there were still people that didn’t know about them or didn’t approve of them. But he knew people staring wouldn’t faze Meredith, because she had no idea it wasn’t technically ‘normal,’ so John would just live with it.

“Ready, baby girl?” He asks, and Meredith is already reaching for him desperately before he even gets her unstrapped. “It’s okay, sweetheart, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere, just gotta get you out of your seat.” He soothes, quickly unstrapping her and grabbing the diaper bag, placing it over his shoulder, before pulling her out of her seat.

He walks both of them into the front doors of the hospital, telling the receptionist they were there to see Dr. Novak. She points them in the direction they need to go for his office, and John thanks her, heading down that way. He starts to slow down when he approaches the office, looking at the numbers to make sure he has the right office number.

Just as John is getting outside of Dr. Novak’s office, Dr. Novak ends up walking out, and he smiles upon seeing them. “Hi, you must be Mr. Winchester.” He says, extending his hand. John shifts Meredith in his grip so he can shake the doctor’s hand. “You can call me Castiel if you’d prefer. I’ve been taking care of Meredith since she arrived at the adoption agency, because they knew I specialized in more unconventional things.” 

“Yeah, hi. Call me John.” John states, following Castiel back into his office when he gestures for them to follow. Castiel leads them through an actual office space into an examination room, shutting the door behind them. 

Sitting down on a stool, Castiel gets on the computer in the exam room so he can pull up Meredith’s file. “So first we’ll just start with a weight, since she obviously doesn’t want to be away from you very long. Then we’ll do some vitals, and we’ll make sure everything’s in tip top shape.” 

John smiles as he brings Meredith into the exam room. Upon hearing Castiel’s voice when he was explaining to John what was going to happen, she lifted her head up, her eyes wide as she searched the room. 

As soon as she saw Castiel, a shy grin formed on her face – bigger than any smile John had seen her have before. Castiel just smiled back at her, reaching out to gently tickle her neck. “Hi, you! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Has John been taking good care of you?” 

Meredith giggled and hid her face shyly in John’s neck when Castiel reached out to tickle her neck. John was just amazed at how good Castiel was with her, considering most patients hated going to the doctor, and he figured Meredith wouldn’t be any different.

Castiel sees the surprised look written on John’s face. “I was one of the first friendly faces she saw after her caretakers overdosed. Obviously the first couple of faces were the police officers, but they called me in right away when they were going to be taking her in by ambulance. There have been times she’s been upset with me because I’ve had to ‘hurt’ her, by putting medicine on her rash or other things, but she’s always forgiven me in the end. Isn’t that right, sweetheart?” The last sentence is more for Meredith’s benefit, instead of John’s, considering he coos right at her. 

Castiel gestures for John to sit her down on a scale. It wasn’t the most accurate reading ever, but it was the way they’d been weighing her the entire time she’d been there, since she couldn’t stand on her own. John does so, whispering soothing words to Meredith when she desperately tries to reach for him again. “Just one second, baby. I’ll hold you in just one second.” 

A smile forms on Castiel’s face when he sees how attached Meredith has already grown to him. That was evidence enough that John was taking good care of her. Once the scale was done reading her weight, Castiel tells John he can pick her back up, so he does so quickly, and she nestles into him as soon as she can. “She’s already gained a couple of pounds since she’s been here last, so well done.” Castiel comments, writing the number down in Meredith’s chart. 

“So, you’ve had Meredith for a little over a week now, how have things been going? Has she been adjusting well? Have you been adjusting well?” Dr. Novak asks, turning away from the computer so he can give John his full attention.

“Things have been going well.” John answers, placing Meredith into a cradled position on his lap so she could look up at the doctor as well. “It’s definitely like taking care of a newborn. She sleeps a lot, and of course pees and poops a lot.” He chuckles quietly, looking down at her, his thumb stroking over her cheek once. “She still doesn’t like to eat much, but I’ve been making sure she eats even if she doesn’t want to. There have been a couple times she’s fought me so much I haven’t been able to, but I have been trying my best.” 

Castiel nods his head knowingly. “I can see she’s gotten rather attached to you already. Although it may seem frustrating that she never wants to let you go and may seem hurtful that she’s afraid you’re going to leave, just take it as a compliment. She trusts you and wants you around so much that she doesn’t want to let you go. That never happened with any of her caretakers or anybody else. So, no seizures?” 

John nods his head in return. He’d been reminding himself of that a lot. Even though it might be frustrating now, it would be worth it in the end when Meredith finally realized he wasn’t going to leave her high and dry like her first caretakers had. Then, John shakes his head. “No, no seizures. I’ve been watching her closely to make sure nothing’s been happening, but mostly she just seems like a normal baby… who just happens to be very clingy. She still doesn’t really make noises, though. She’s started to whimper when she’s upset, which is a step in the right direction, but she refuses to cry or make any noises other than that.” 

“You’re right, even whimpering is a step in the right direction. When she first came in, we thought she was possibly mute… but then we realized she was just afraid to make any noises.” Castiel looks down at Meredith, who’s sucking contently on her pacifier, still being held by John. “I know they suggested you not having anyone come over for the first couple of weeks. Have you done that?” 

“Yes, I have. My youngest son called today and wanted to come over, because I haven’t actually told my sons about her yet… but I told him I wasn’t able to see him for another week yet. I told him I’d tell them both when they came over in a week.” Castiel turns back to the computer to make some notes, nodding approvingly to what John was saying.

Castiel then gives Meredith a quick examination. It wasn’t very thorough, considering she had just had one a couple weeks ago, and she was practically clinging to John, but it was good enough. He checked her nose, ears and throat and then her rash, and since she wasn’t having any seizures, everything seemed to be good. “Alright, John. Well, everything seems to be looking good here. The rash is much better than the last time I saw it, and the cloth diapers were a good idea. She seems to be happy and getting comfortable with you, so keep up the good work. I’d like to see you back here in another couple of weeks, just since she’ll still be getting settled, and then we can go on a monthly basis like they talked to you about at the adoption agency.”

“Thank you, Dr. Novak.” John smiles as he stands up, shifting Meredith so she’s propped on his hip again. He reaches a hand out to shake Castiel’s hand, which is met with a firm handshake, then John exits the room with Meredith in tow. 

“We did it, baby.” John says happily, pressing a kiss to her forehead. He was ecstatic that he had passed the test. Maybe he was doing things right after all, and he wasn’t screwing things up as much as he thought he might be. Of course, John had had experience with Sam and Dean, but that had been a long time ago, and he’d had Mary to help him with anything he needed. This time, he was on his own, so hearing he was doing a good job was an extremely proud moment for him. “Alright, kiddo. Let’s get you home.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m currently a sucker for this fic, and haven’t been writing Trauma at all (oops) but I hope you guys enjoy this!
> 
> Turns out Sam & Mer have a special connection. As you can see in the tags, Dean’s gonna eventually end up having a relationship with her - but Sam and Mer are going to have a special bond while she’s regressed. 
> 
> Comments & kudos feed the muse <3

A week later, so day fifteen of Meredith being home, John woke up to his phone ringing. He groans, putting his pillow over his head. If Meredith was still asleep, then there was no reason he needed to get up right then. A minute later the phone stops ringing, so John brings his pillow back under his head, and he’s just about to drift to sleep when his phone is ringing again.

“For god’s sake.” John mutters quietly, rolling over to look at his phone. He can see Sam is calling him, and he sighs, finally answering it. “What is it, Sam? Everything okay?” He had no idea what Sam would be calling him for at this time of day unless something was really wrong.

“Yeah, dad, everything’s great! But you said that you could see Dean and I in a week, and it’s been a week! We’ve been patient about hearing what you wanted to tell us, but now that it’s been a week, we want to know!” Sam sounded much too awake for how early it was, and John knew it must be because of how excited he was over this news. “Dean’s even awake and texting me right now, too!” 

John chuckles quietly, rubbing his hand over his face. “How about you two come over around lunch time? I’ll make you some food and we’ll sit down and have a chat. And no, Sam, you and Dean cannot come over right now. It’s not even 7:00 in the morning yet. Say… don’t you two have work today?” 

Sam knows John can hear his grin on the other side of the phone. “Nope, we both took the day off. And we told our companies that there’s the potential we may need to take more off, depending on what you tell us. You know Bobby, so he’s fine with Dean taking some vacation time, and I have a ton of vacation time racked up, so we can.” 

“Hold your horses, son.” John smiles again softly. “You don’t even know what I’m going to tell you boys. Just relax and go back to sleep. I’ll see you around noon, and you two will find out then.” Rolling over toward the baby monitor, he can start to hear movement in Meredith’s nursery. “Gotta go, Sammy. I’ll see you later.” Before Sam could say anything, John hung up. 

John yawns, placing his phone down on the nightstand next to his bed. He rubs his eyes, continuing to lay in bed for a couple more minutes, before slowly standing up. He puts on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, placing his phone in his pocket before slowly padding into the nursery. “Is my sweet girl awake?” He asks softly as he opens the door, going in and smiling when he sees her laying in her crib. 

He could tell Meredith was slowly starting to wake up, but at this point she was still half asleep. She had curled up on her side during the night, her blonde hair falling over her face like a curtain, and he could see she’d lost her pacifier during the night and was sucking on her thumb instead. 

John was planning on going back in his room to let his girl sleep a little more, but he couldn’t help it. She was too adorable. He quietly lowers the side of the crib, scooping her up in his arms. She starts making small snuffling noises, and John quickly shushes her, rubbing his hand along her back. “It’s okay, sweet pea, you can keep sleeping.” 

As he sits down in the rocking chair in the nursery, Meredith makes a few more noises before her head falls heavily down onto his shoulder, and she’s asleep once more. She was warm from being under the blankets, body heavier than normal since she wasn’t holding any of her own weight, and John was absolutely in love. This was his little girl, all snuggly and warm and sleep-ridden… completely comfortable to snuggle up with him when she didn’t have any inhibitions about doing so. 

It was obvious she craved physical touch and affection, even if she didn’t want to admit it. She had inhibitions about receiving it when she was awake, probably either because she felt like she was being a burden or because she was afraid affection would turn into pain; but when she was asleep, she didn’t have any of these inhibitions. Meredith would more than willingly snuggle up to John, letting her entire body weight rest on him. If he stopped rubbing her back, she would wiggle and try to get him to start again. He only hoped at some point he could convince her to do those kinds of things when she was awake, too. 

John starts to rock her back and forth in the rocking chair, leaning down to press his lips to the top of her head. He lets his nose nestle in her hair, his eyes falling shut while he rubs her back. They sit in the rocking chair for a while, and even John starts to doze off again, until Meredith starts to slowly wake up. He can feel her starting to stir, so he wakes back up as well, rubbing his eyes. 

John doesn’t say anything, giving her time to wake up on her own. This would be the first time she’d be waking up and John was already there, because most times he was still asleep when she woke up. Meredith starts to pick her head up from John’s shoulder in confusion, but when she sees she’s laying on top of him, she slowly lays her head back down again, eyes falling shut. “My sleepy little girl.” John coos, turning his head so he can kiss the side of her head. “Daddy’s right here, princess.” 

He suddenly realizes that was the first time he’d just referred to himself as her ‘daddy.’ Even though she wasn’t his daughter, and they weren’t related at all, John figured it would just be easier to have her call him daddy instead of John if she ever started talking. He also felt that fatherly protective instinct over her, wanting to protect her from harm at all costs. 

The two spent some more time in the rocking chair together, Meredith making soft snuffling noises every so often as she presses her face into the side of John’s neck. This was the closest she’d ever been to him, all wrapped up in his arms with her face pressed against his neck. Normally she’d just have her chin resting on his shoulder. Slowly Meredith was starting to come around, and John couldn’t be more thankful. 

“You get to meet Sammy and Dean today.” John tells her softly, his hand never stopping its path up and down her back. “They don’t even know what they’re about to see… but I know they’re excited. They’re both going to be so excited that you’re here, and I know they’ll love to take care of you.” He pauses. “I know it might take you a while to warm up to them, and that’s okay. But they’re going to love you just as much as I do, and neither of them will ever do anything to hurt you.” 

John wishes they could stay like this forever. He was so glad that Meredith was starting to cuddle him more, and he didn’t want to pull her away. But when her stomach started growling, he knew he had to get her a bottle. “Ready for a bottle, sweetheart?” He asks, picking her up and standing up from the rocking chair. 

Meredith’s legs come to wrap around his waist, her hand gripping tightly onto his shirt. John realized that just a few minutes ago she hadn’t been worried about him leaving, which was the reasoning John had used every time she’d clutched onto him so tightly. He then realized that the only time she started to get worried and tense was when he’d pick her up – which made him realize they must have dropped her. A lot, by how tense she got. 

“Oh, gorgeous.” John practically breathes out his words, they’re whispered so quietly. “You’re not worried I’m going to leave… you’re worried I’m going to drop you.” He instinctively places his arms a little tighter around her, starting to carry her down the stairs. “Baby girl, if I ever dropped you, I would hate myself. If I ever felt like I was possibly going to drop you, you can bet your butt I would be on that ground before you would.”

Meredith understood the words ‘drop you’ all too well. She didn’t really understand what all he was saying, but those words were ones she knew. Meredith whimpers, clinging to him tighter as John holds her tighter to his chest. John felt his heart clenching; she understood those words, meaning they’d specifically told her they were going to drop her. That was probably a big part of her traumatic brain injury… how could someone intentionally drop a child? How could someone drop a child and not hate themselves for hurting them? Then again, John had been wondering how her caretakers hadn’t hated themselves for many reasons now, considering everything they had done to hurt her. 

“I’ve got you.” John whispers reassuringly, bringing her into the kitchen. He makes her a bottle quickly, taking her into the living room so they can settle into the recliner just like every other time he’d fed her. John was thinking about getting some baby food and seeing how she felt about that, since it would likely be more nutritious for her to have both instead of just formula. 

John had told the boys to come over about noon because he knew Meredith would have just gone down for her afternoon nap about that point. They had a routine down well now, and if Meredith was sleeping, then John would be able to talk to the boys about what was going on. 

She had fallen asleep in his arms just a few minutes prior, and John was just getting her into a clean diaper and placing her down in her crib when he heard the knock on the door. “I love you, sweet girl.” John whispers to her, switching on the baby monitor and heading downstairs so he can open the door. 

It was noon on the dot, and both Sam and Dean were standing outside the door with excited, yet nervous, looks on their faces. “Hey, boys.” John smiles as he steps aside for them to come in. 

They went into the kitchen, John grabbing stuff to make them all sandwiches. Sam and Dean sit down at the table, and they start making small talk while John makes them sandwiches. But by the time John sits down and puts the plates in front of them, Dean can hardly contain himself. “Alright, dad. You’ve made us wait long enough. What’s gotten you all happy and why couldn’t you see us for the last week?” 

John chuckles. They certainly weren’t going to wait. He glances over at the other part of the baby monitor that was sitting on the kitchen counter, which the boys obviously hadn’t noticed yet. “Well, boys, I’ve taken in a little girl.” 

Sam’s eyes practically got as wide as plates, his jaw dropping open. “We have a sister?!” He couldn’t believe John had done this and hadn’t mentioned anything of it to them! “Why didn’t you say anything?!” 

“No, no. She’s not your sister. I didn’t adopt her. I’ve just taken her in to give her a safe home, because the adoption agency decided she needed to go to a home as soon as possible.” John nods. “I didn’t say anything because of how excited you boys had gotten last time, when it fell through, and because… well, it’s a little unconventional.” 

Sam and Dean both glanced at each other in confusion before looking back at John. He knew they were going to ask what they meant about it being unconventional, but he didn’t know what the best way to go about explaining it would be. Should he explain it? Should he just show them Meredith? Either way, he knew the boys would be okay with it. 

The brothers were both familiar with littles. Sam had even made mention that one of his friends from college was a little, although he didn’t have anything to do with their care. At first, both had been a little iffy on the whole idea, but after looking into it more, they had decided it was pretty cute – and it wasn’t like it was their right to judge how other people lived their lives. That was also the rule John had gone by, and now his entire life had changed because of it. “She has a traumatic brain injury, from being abused in her old home. That was why we couldn’t see anyone for a couple weeks because she has a hard time trusting anyone. She needed to start settling down and getting comfortable in her new home before we brought a bunch of people by and scaring her.” 

Sam and Dean both nod in understanding, though they could feel their hearts breaking just at the thought of someone treating a little girl like that. “So… is the traumatic brain injury why you’re calling it unconventional?” Sam finally questions, his voice soft.

John shakes his head. “No, not exactly. There’s a lot of things… off about her, for lack of a better word, because of the abuse. She doesn’t like to eat. The first time I tried feeding her I had to promise her she wasn’t going to get punished because of it, before she would even start eating. She doesn’t like to make noises, because she’s afraid I’m going to punish her for them. The first five-ish days that she was here, she didn’t make a single noise, no matter what. Then she started to whimper, but I still haven’t gotten her to cry or make any other noises. And…” 

He was just about to tell them that she was actually twenty-five years old when there was suddenly a whimper from the baby monitor. John furrows his eyebrows, looking up at the clock. “She just fell asleep half an hour ago… that’s strange. She usually sleeps for a couple hours at least during her afternoon nap. Well, I’ll go get her. Just… keep an open mind, okay? And remember she might be scared of you at first, especially since she’ll be half asleep.” 

John gets up from the table, leaving a confused Sam and Dean in his wake. “Keep an open mind?” Dean asks Sam, raising an eyebrow. Sam just shrugs, as he was just as confused as Dean was. Both train their eyes toward the hallway John had just disappeared down, but a smile forms on their faces when they can hear him cooing to her through the baby monitor still on the table. 

“What’s wrong, sweet girl?” He asks as he hoists Meredith up, reaching down to check her diaper. “Oh, did someone make a mess?” He teases softly as he places her down on the changing table. John continues to coo to her while he gets her cleaned up and into a new diaper. “You get to meet Sammy and Dean now! They’re excited to meet you, you know that? I’ve already told them to keep an open mind… but I know they’re going to love you.” 

“Dad sounds happy.” Sam says softly, and Dean nods in agreement. “I just don’t understand how someone could abuse a kid.” He says quietly. “You have to be the lowest kind of low if you can abuse a kid and not feel any remorse about it.” 

Dean was just about to respond when they heard footsteps coming back down the hallway. Both look to the hallway once again, eyes widening when they see John carrying Meredith in. “Oh.” Dean breathes out quietly, more than surprised by what he was seeing. “Oh, she’s a…” 

“She’s involuntarily regressed.” John says with a nod. “They think because of…”

“Her brain injury.” Sam finishes, putting the pieces together. John nods his head once again, and Sam slowly stands up, so he can look at her. Meredith currently had her face buried in John’s neck, clinging to him tighter when she heard there were other voices in the room. “You said her name’s Meredith?” 

When John tells him he’s right, Sam slowly reaches out to place his hand on Meredith’s back. She tenses up when she feels a new person touching her, but Sam just keeps his hand there, gently moving his thumb across her back. “Hi, Meredith.” Sam says softly. “I’m Sam… Sammy. I know you’re scared, and that’s okay. But I’m going to take some time off work, so I can get to know you, and I’m going to help take care of you, okay?” 

Not to be outdone, Dean stands up as well, waiting for Sam to back away a little bit, then places his hand on her back as well. “Same here. I’m Dean, and… I can’t wait to get to know you.” 

John can feel his heart swelling when he hears the boys talking to her. He knew they were going to be great with her, but he’d been a little nervous, as well. They were just proving him right, though, that they were amazing young men, and he’d done a good job at raising them on his own. “Hear that, baby? They already love you, just like I do. You’re a part of the family.” He kisses the top of her head, then whispers to the boys, “If she happens to make eye contact with you, make sure you praise her.” 

Meredith waited until Dean removed his hand from her back before she was slowly looking up at John. John praises her, of course, but she’s not really paying attention to it. She’s instead looking at his eyes to see what emotion he has there. He looks… happy. He looks like he’s excited the boys are here. And if John was happy to see them, didn’t that mean she should trust them, like she was starting to trust John? But they were new, and new was scary. 

Meredith surprised everyone by what came next. She slowly placed her head down on John’s shoulder, with her head facing away from his neck, so she was looking around the room. Both boys were standing there, but she wasn’t really looking at them, until something caught her attention out of the corner of her eye. Sam’s hair. She then looked down to find a pair of hazel eyes meeting her, and she can hear Sam starting to speak, in a soft and comforting tone. 

Once again, Meredith really isn’t paying attention to what he’s saying. She makes eye contact with him for a few more seconds before looking back up to his hair. It was long – longer than John or Dean kept it, and it looked soft. Her mind is battling against itself, wanting to go to Sam and knowing she probably shouldn’t, knowing that he would either hate her or he would hurt her. 

There was a more innocent part of her arguing that she should trust Sam. John trusted him with her, and John she was starting to trust John, so shouldn’t she trust his judgment? But then the hardened part of her was telling her that she was a burden to even John, that these two boys wouldn’t want anything to do with her, that they would get sick of her just like her old caretakers had. 

“What are you thinking, baby?” John asks quietly, starting to smooth his hand along the fabric of her shirt. This was one of the times John wished she would talk again, but considering she’d only spoken three words to him so long ago, he was starting to think maybe that was all just in his head. Maybe Meredith didn’t actually speak at all. 

Now came the part that shocked all of them. “S-Sammy…” Meredith whimpers, outstretching her arms toward him. He had kind eyes and looked like he had soft hair. His eyes reminded her of John’s eyes, since they were the same color. A part of Meredith wondered if she shouldn’t do this, because Dean might then think she didn’t like him, then Dean would get mad at her. But it was too late now. 

Sam’s eyes widened as soon as she said his name, then widened even more when she started trying to lean toward him. John’s expression mirrored his own, so did Dean’s. Dean wasn’t upset at all, because he was just glad she had taken to one of them immediately. There must be something special between the two of them. 

At John’s insistence, Sam gives a nervous smile and reaches his hands out to her. “Hi, sweetheart. You want to come to Sammy?” He coos, grabbing her under her arms and gently enveloping her in his grip, placing her on his hip, bouncing her a little bit. “Hi, gorgeous.” 

Meredith reaches up and grabs onto his hair, and Sam laughs. “Ah, that’s why you wanted to come to me, huh? You like my hair?” He tilts his head down and shakes his head so some of his hair falls in his face and Meredith actually lets out a soft giggle, though it’s hardly audible, grabbing some of his hair again.

Dean and John looked at each other, still wide-eyed. “I thought you said she didn’t talk? And the only noises she made were whimpers?” Dean questions, John nodding his head.

“That’s the fourth word I’ve ever heard her speak… and the first three were when she was still in the adoption agency, and she thought I didn’t want her anymore.” John sighs when he thinks back to that day, then looks back at Dean. “She’s giggled once before, when I took her for a checkup with Dr. Novak, but other than that…”

Dean looks back over to where Meredith was happily playing with Sam’s hair, and Sam was happy to let her do as she pleased. “There’s gotta be some kind of special… bond or something between her and Sammy. Which doesn’t really make sense since they hadn’t seen each other before, but c’mon. Look at ‘em.” 

John hadn’t looked away from Sam and Meredith, so happy about watching his little girl start to become happier just because Sam had come into her life. “Yeah.” He says quietly, feeling his heart starting to swell while he watches the two of them together. Sam had already taken on the big brother role so well, just like Dean had when Sam was born, even though this time it was certainly more unconventional. 

Dean wasn’t quite feeling a ‘brotherly’ bond with her, but he was certainly going to help take care of her, and he did consider her family. It just wasn’t necessarily in a brotherly way. He didn’t really know how to explain it. “Sam’s already great with her.” He says with a soft smile while watching his baby brother now taking care of who he thought of as his baby sister. 

By this point in time, Meredith had mostly stopped playing with Sam’s hair, though she still had a fistful of it while they stood there together. Sam had his forehead pressed against hers and he was smiling with his eyes closed. Meredith had her eyes closed as well, glad that Sam wasn’t trying to stare at her. That was why Sam had his eyes closed, in fact, because he didn’t want to make her nervous by having his eyes open. “I love you.” Sam whispers, shifting her a little bit in his arms so she’s more comfortable.

Meredith finally moved away from where her and Sam’s foreheads were pressed together, suddenly getting nervous once again. She wondered if she was actually bugging Sam and he was secretly getting mad at her. Meredith looks back over to John, before whimpering, “Daddy…” 

It takes John all of two seconds to get Meredith out of Sam’s arms and back into his arms again, hugging her tightly. That had been a big step for her, and she had been the one to initiate it. It made sense why she was suddenly so nervous. John thinks that if his heart swells any more it’s going to burst, since she had just spoken her fifth word ever, and because she had called him daddy. “My brave girl. My sweet, brave girl.” John says softly, kissing her forehead when Meredith tries to curl up into him. “Maybe next time you can meet Dean for a little bit, yeah?” He asks. John’s not expecting a response, which is good, because he doesn’t receive one. 

“So, I was thinkin’ me and Sammy could go back to our houses for the night, pack some stuff, let our bosses know we’re takin’ some vacation time, and then stay here for the next couple weeks or so?” Dean suggests, looking over to Sam, who nods his head in agreement. John had a large enough house that they could easily stay for a couple weeks to help out.

“Sure, boys. That sounds good to me.” John says, happy that they were so willing to take time off work to get to know Meredith. “That’ll give her some time to relax and recuperate tonight, and then she can hang out with you boys tomorrow.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a day of many firsts for Meredith... most of them not so necessarily good.
> 
> Good thing she has Sam, Dean, and John.
> 
> Trigger warning for epilepsy/seizures. 
> 
> Comments/kudos feed the muse. <3

Meredith was very worried. Today she was regressed to more of a toddler age, but even in a toddler state of mind, she was always worried about keeping everyone happy. If she didn’t keep everyone happy, they were going to get mad at her, and if they got mad at her, they were going to hurt her.

When it was just John there, she only had to worry about keeping him happy. But now there were two others – Sam and Dean, and now she had twice as much to worry about when trying to keep everyone happy. Meredith had already forced herself to let Dean hold her for a while. It felt like forever, but in reality, was probably only five minutes, before she was whining for her daddy to take her back. It wasn’t that she didn’t like Dean. It wasn’t that she didn’t want anything to do with Dean. He just… made her nervous. All of this made her nervous.

Sam and Dean had been there for a few days now, and Meredith was just isolating herself more and more. She was getting overwhelmed with all of the attention she was receiving; always afraid she was going to do something wrong. There was a part of her that wanted to go to Sam more often than she did, but she knew she couldn’t, because then Dean would get upset with her. Meredith tried to cling to John more, but John just kept encouraging her to go to the boys.

So, Meredith isolated herself. She sat in the corner on the living room floor, trying to keep her little mind from having a panic attack. Even at such a young age, she knew what a panic attack was. She’d had them many times with her old caretakers, and every time they’d always hurt her more, which had made the panic attack worse. They used to hurt her until she’d learn her lesson and finally stop crying, but she could only stop crying when her body was too exhausted to cry any more. 

“I think she’s scared.” Dean says quietly to John, while Sam was sitting on the floor and trying to encourage Meredith to come interact with him. “Or overwhelmed. I think she’s pushing herself to do things she’s not ready to do… and I think I’m a big part of that.” 

John knew he was also a big part of it, because he was the one encouraging her to spend time with the boys. He hadn’t wanted her to feel like she needed to, but he’d hoped a little bit of coaxing would help. It looked like it was doing the opposite, though. “Why do you think you’re a big part of it?” 

Dean sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. “She obviously likes Sam a lot. Loves him. But she won’t even go to him now, and I think it’s because of me. I think she’s worried that I’m going to get upset because she and Sam have that special connection or whatever it is they have. She’s forcing herself to go to me… and I don’t want that. I want her to want to come to me.” 

Sighing in return, John nods his head. “I think you’re right, and she’s just overwhelmed. She started getting a lot of attention, but only from me. Now there’s three of us, and we’re trying to get her to go to you guys more often… she probably just doesn’t know what to think. If I’m trying to get rid of her or something, even though I’ve reassured her that’s not happening.” 

“Sammy.” Dean says quietly, interrupting him from where he was still trying to convince Meredith to look up at him. When Sam looks up at him, Dean gestures for him to come over to where he and John were standing. “Let’s give her a break. Maybe let dad take her for a while.” 

Sam nods his head in understanding, standing up and walking over to the pair of them. “Do you think she’s okay?” He asks worriedly. He didn’t understand why the very first day she was so keen on going to him, and now she refused.

“Yeah, we think she’s just overwhelmed by everything.” John says with a nod, clapping his youngest son on the back. He then walks over to where Meredith is curled up on the floor, outstretching his arms toward her, but not picking her up – he doesn’t want to scare her more than she already is. “Beautiful girl, you want to come to daddy?” 

“Daddy.” Meredith whimpers, nodding her head desperately and outstretching her arms to him. He can feel his heart sinking, hearing how scared she is, and John quickly picks her up and hugs her to his chest. 

“I’ve got you, sweet girl.” John whispers, nuzzling his nose into the side of her head. “You’re okay, I promise. It’s been an overwhelming few days, hasn’t it?” He coos to her, nodding when she just whimpers in return. “That’s okay, baby. How about you and I just spend some time together for the rest of the day? Then maybe tomorrow, if you’re feeling better, you can spend some more time with Sammy and Dean.” 

Another strangled whimper fell from Meredith’s lips as she listened to what John was saying. She understood more when she was regressed to a toddler stage, so she knew they had figured out she was scared to be around the two boys. What if they were mad at her for it? What if John was mad at her for it? They were going to get rid of her, weren’t they? Meredith clutches tightly onto John’s shirt; so tightly her knuckles are starting to turn white. 

“It’s okay, honey.” John reassures again, feeling terrible that he was making her so nervous without meaning to. “They’re not upset, I promise. They’ll still be here with us, but we can just watch some tv until it’s bed time, how’s that sound?” 

Half a week later, Sam and Dean had been staying there for a week. Meredith was starting to slowly come around, especially when Dean sat down with her and tried to explain that he didn’t mind if Meredith wanted to just spend some time with Sam. He didn’t know if she could understand what he was saying, but she seemed to at least somewhat understand, because she started to slowly go to Sam more after that. “I know you and Sammy have a special bond, which is great. I don’t want you to miss out on your special bond because you’re scared of what I’m going to think.” He’d said, and then an hour later, Meredith was sitting in Sam’s lap while Sam read her a book. 

Meredith was also starting to spend some more time with Dean. She wasn’t too keen on him holding her for long periods of time yet, but she would sit next to him while he would show her videos on his phone or read books to her, and eventually Dean would put his arm around her, and she would start to snuggle into him. Things were finally starting to look up in the Winchester household, even though Meredith was still refusing to make any sort of sound aside from a whimper or one of the boys’ names every so often. Though she did still call for John quite frequently, whenever she started to get nervous. 

As Meredith was starting to get more comfortable, the boys and John were starting to coax her into talking more. She still mostly refused, because she was afraid, since her TBI made it hard for her to get words out sometimes. It was okay when she was just saying one word, especially if it was one of their names since she’d said it so many times now. But they wanted her to actually speak, to start saying phrases and even work her way up to a sentence. 

Meredith started having more nightmares, which John figured was probably the result of her being so overwhelmed. He finally started keeping her in his bed at night, hoping that would help her not have so many bad dreams. It hadn’t really worked, but at least now he was there whenever she had one, so she didn’t have to suffer through it alone. She would whimper, and John would hold her, and he would tell her it was okay to cry, but she still never would.

Both Sam and Dean had taken three weeks of vacation. That was the most Sam could get off, so Dean decided he would take the same amount off, so Sam wouldn’t get upset with Dean being able to spend so much more time with Meredith than he could. They were only a little over their first week, so they still had plenty of time left, and they were hoping they could help Meredith out of her shell at least a little more before they had to leave. 

One night, Sam had mentioned going out for a couple drinks with some of his co-workers, since they hadn’t seen each other. They’d promised to get Sam caught up with what was happening at the accounting firm while they had some fun, so Sam had agreed, knowing both John and Dean would be okay with it. 

Meredith had been curled up with Sam for most of the day, her head on his shoulder while she sat in his lap. She’d gone to Dean for a while here and there, when Sam had wanted to get up, but they’d mostly spent the day together. Sam had read to her for quite a while. He held a coloring book in her lap and started to color the picture while Meredith watched, smiling when she grabbed the crayon from him and started to draw random lines over the picture. They’d watched some TV. They’d watched videos on his phone. They’d watched Dean doing stupid stuff to make her smile, and she actually giggled a couple of times, as well. 

When it was getting to be 8:00, which was just a little before Meredith’s bed time, Sam needed to get going so he could meet his friends. Meredith didn’t want to let him go, holding onto him whenever he tried to stand up, and clinging harder when he tried to set her down. “Sweetheart, Sammy has to go for a little bit.” He coos softly as he’s about to head out the door, having held her up until then. “But I’ll be back later tonight, okay? I’ll come in and say goodnight to you, even though someone’s going to be asleep.” 

A quiet whimper fell from Meredith’s lips when Sam sets her down in the entryway of John’s house. She was sitting on the floor, looking up at him and outstretching her arms sadly. Sam kneels next to her, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “I’ll be back later tonight, okay? I promise. Daddy and Dean are both going to be here to spend some time with you, doesn’t that sound like fun?” 

Daddy and Dean being there was good and all… but Meredith really just wanted Sam. How was she supposed to have that, though? She couldn’t force Sam to stay here. That would just make him either be upset with her or hate her. Meredith’s arms slowly lower when Sam kisses her forehead and she shuts her eyes, tilting her head downward so he can’t see any tears that are starting to form. 

John had come up in the entryway a few moments earlier, watching the two of them say their goodbyes. It was adorable, seeing how much Meredith wanted him to stay… but it was also worrying for when Sam (and Dean) went back to work. Obviously, she and Sam had a special bond, but John had a feeling she would be upset when Dean left to go back to work as well. 

Meredith kept her eyesight cast downward when Sam puts on his jacket, promises her once again he’d be back soon, then exits the house. She waited until she heard the door shut, looking up and seeing that Sam was, in fact, truly gone. She was silent for a few moments; hearing Sam’s car start up…

And then, Meredith wailed.

John froze while he stood in the entryway, his jaw dropping when Meredith started to cry. She didn’t just start to cry, she started to sob… loudly. It was heart wrenching, but at the same time, John was so thankful. He hadn’t been able to get through to her, but Sam had. There certainly was something special between the two of them.

Dean came sprinting into the entryway as soon as he heard Meredith starting to cry, his eyes widening when he realizes that’s exactly what’s happening. It was a whole new experience, hearing her wail. It was like they’d completely stepped the crying phase.

They had been discussing it before, and all of them had assumed it would go in stages. First, she was silent, then she moved to whimpering; they figured next would be soft crying, then normal crying, then wailing. However, they were certainly wrong. They’d skipped all of those middle steps and gone straight into wailing – so loud Dean almost wanted to cover his ears. 

“What happened?!” He asked John over the sound of Meredith’s wailing, taking his bottom lip between his teeth worriedly. He didn’t see any bumps or bruises and he hadn’t heard a fall, so he had no idea what would have gotten her so upset.

“Sam left to go out with his friends.” John’s eyes are still wide, but he suddenly realizes he needs to go pick her up. He reaches down to scoop her up, but Meredith scoots away, curling up in the fetal position on the floor while she continues to wail.

Dean knew Sam was looking forward to going out with his friends, but Meredith needed him. She was crying because she wanted him – and only him, by the looks of things when John tried to pick her up. They’d always reassured her it was okay when she cried, so now they needed to comfort her, and Sam was the only one who could do that.

Sam was just backing out of the driveway when his phone rang, Dean’s name lighting up the screen. He furrows his eyebrows in confusion, placing his car in park and answering, thinking perhaps he’d forgotten something. “What’s up?”

“Sam.” Dean’s voice was urgent, and Sam could hardly hear him over some loud noise in the background. At first, he thought it was the tv, and was about to tell Dean to turn it the hell down, when he realized it wasn’t. That was Meredith. She was sobbing, because he had left when she wanted him to stay. 

“Oh my god.” Sam breathes out quietly. He hangs up the phone, shooting a text to one of his friends saying he wasn’t going to be able to make it, before he quickly pulls his car back up into the driveway and practically sprints back into the house. 

All of them knew what a huge deal this was. Meredith was always worried she was going to be a burden. Always worried if she did something that they were going to get mad at her or hate her. Always thinking they would hurt her if she made a sound or made her wants or needs known. This was a huge step. 

Sam quickly opens the door up, feeling his heart both breaking and swelling at the same time. He didn’t think that was even possible and yet it was happening. “Oh, baby girl.” Sam whispers, immediately coming toward her and scooping her up. 

Meredith started trying to get away, thinking it was either Dean or John that were trying to pick her up. That is, until she smelled that familiar scent that could only be described as Sam and heard his low voice in her ear. Meredith immediately uncurled from her fetal position, clinging to Sam like a koala as much as she possibly could. Her legs wrapped around his waist, she buried her face in his chest, and her hands were gripping onto his shirt as tightly as possible – and she just kept wailing. 

Now, Meredith didn’t know why exactly she was crying. She’d started crying because Sam was leaving, and she wanted him to stay. But now Sam was back, so why was she still crying? It was partially because she felt bad for making him stay there with her. Partially because she was afraid he was going to hate her now that he felt like he had to stay. Partially because she had wanted to cry for months upon months now, and she hadn’t, because her old caretakers would always hurt her. It was terrible that a girl in the mind state of a two-year-old or an infant had learned to never cry, even when she was being hurt, because she knew then it would just hurt more. 

It was like the dam broke and she couldn’t patch it back up no matter how hard she tried. Meredith was still afraid Sam was going to get mad at her, but she couldn’t help but to cling to him while she continued to cry, her hot tears staining and seeping through his shirt. 

Sam’s eyes fill with tears as well. His are both sad and thankful, glad that she was finally allowing herself to let go – and grateful he was the one she felt comfortable enough to do so with. Sam also feels terrible, though, knowing that he was the cause of her crying and hurting so badly. He hadn’t thought she was going to react that terribly to him going away for a couple of hours. 

“Oh, honey, it’s okay… it’s okay, I’ve got you. Sammy’s right here. I’m not going anywhere, okay? I promise. I’m going to stay right here and cuddle you for as long as you want.” He holds her close to him, not caring that she was getting tears all over his shirt. That could be washed. He only cared about his baby sister he was holding tightly, who was trembling all over. John didn’t even have to tell him what to say, because he already knew. “You’re so good. You’re such a good girl. I’m so proud of you. I’m so glad you finally feel comfortable enough to cry, sweet girl. I love you, so much.” 

Meredith continued to cry for quite a while, until she felt like she was all cried out for the night. Sam knew most of it wasn’t because of him wanting to leave for a few hours. He knew most of it was just built up emotion that had been dying to come out for so long, and only now was Meredith finally releasing it. The entire time she cried, Sam kept whispering soothing words to her, wanting her to know it was okay and no one was going to hurt her for crying. He kept telling her how proud of her he was, how much he loved her, and how good of a girl she was. 

When Dean and John had first brought up the ‘special connection’ they had, Sam had laughed it off. “Nah, she just liked my hair.” He had said. He didn’t know why Meredith seemed to be so fond of him… but for the first time, he understood what they’d meant by a special connection. Sam had been the one to finally make her feel comfortable enough to cry. Sam was the only one she wanted to have hold her while she was crying. That special bond was definitely present.

It was only two seconds after Meredith had finally stopped wailing, and had quieted down to sniffles, that she suddenly gripped his arm so hard she was almost drawing blood. Sam flinched, before having a sudden idea of what was about to happen. He had no medical reason to think it, but it was just a gut feeling. “She’s about to seize, get something for her head.” Sam says quietly, setting her down as Dean rushes into the other room to grab a small blanket to put under her head. 

John’s eyebrows furrowed when Sam spoke then laid Meredith down on the floor. She hadn’t had a seizure since coming to live with him, so why was Sam suddenly thinking she was going to seize? “Why do you say that?” 

He barely got the question out before Meredith started seizing, his eyes widening. John whips out his phone and checks the time, kneeling next to Meredith and making sure the blanket doesn’t slip out from underneath her head. John’s heart is breaking, seeing his little girl thrashing around like that, and he can’t do anything to stop it. 

It was the longest minute of his life before Meredith’s convulsions slowly came to an end. She twitched a couple of times afterwards, and John finally released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. Once it’s done, John doesn’t even look up to his phone, just looking down at his sweet, innocent little girl. “Sammy, what time is it?” He questions quietly, smoothing back Meredith’s hair while Sam tells him the time. It was hard to believe that had only been a minute. It had felt like an hour. 

John reaches down, using his thumb to wipe a little bit of drool off of her chin, never taking his eyes off her. Her eyes were still closed, John’s hand starting to move up and down her back slowly. “I’ve got you, baby girl. You’re okay. Daddy’s right here.” 

Dean kneels down next to Meredith, placing his hand on her side. “Dean’s right here too, Mer. And so is Sammy. We’re all right here. It’s all okay, we promise.” 

All of them speak cooing words to her while they wait for her to wake up. There was a mutual understanding that they wanted their voices to be the first thing she heard after her first seizure while living with John. A few minutes later, Meredith slowly starts to stir, a quiet whimper escaping while she reaches up to grab at her head. 

John’s fatherly instincts kick in, and he gently grabs her wrist before she can do any damage to herself. “Shh, it’s okay, honey. Sammy’s going to go get your pain medicine out of the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, okay? We’ll get some medicine in you, and then it’s bed time. You’re sleeping with me tonight.” Even though Meredith had been sleeping with him for the past few nights, there was no way John was going to let her sleep on her own tonight. He knew he wasn’t going to sleep at all.

Sam and Dean were both feeling the same way. Every time they even blinked, they saw Meredith convulsing on the entryway floor, and it made their stomachs churn. When John mentions getting the medicine, Sam is up off the floor like a shot, going to the cabinet and finding the pain medicine John was talking about. 

John had gotten a little medicine dropper, so he could just drop it into Meredith’s mouth without having to worry about measuring or making her take a spoon in her mouth. Sam gets the correct amount in the dropper, then hands it to John. “Open up, sweet girl.” He whispers, cooing praise to Meredith when she opens her mouth. 

She swallows the medicine, whining at the terrible taste, and Dean quickly gets off the floor, mentioning something about making her a bottle. John lets her stay on the floor for a moment more to get her bearings back, before he slowly lifts her up and into his arms. Meredith wastes no time in pushing her face against the side of John’s neck, whimpering as she does so. “That was scary, huh, baby?” John coos, holding her close to him. “It’s okay. You’re okay. Dean’s making you a bottle, we’ll get you into bed, and you can sleep as long as you want.” 

John carries Meredith up to her nursery so he can change her diaper and onesie since her onesie was starting to be soaked through with sweat. Her diaper was also starting to be soaked through, as she’d lost even more control of her bladder and bowels during the seizure. Once he’s done changing her, John looks to the doorway of the nursery, seeing Dean holding the bottle. “Thanks, son.” He says quietly, taking the bottle and bringing Meredith into his room. 

He sits on the bed, leaning back against the headboard so he can prop Meredith up, so she can eat. John doesn’t know if she’s going to eat much at all, but he knew it could at least be a comfort thing because it would make her feel all warm inside. Meredith took the bottle in her mouth, slowly starting to suck on it while she curled up into John’s side. She just wanted to sleep forever. She also wanted her head to stop hurting.

The brothers stood in the doorway of their father’s room, watching the two of them worriedly. “Is she going to be okay?” Dean asks quietly, speaking what Sam is thinking, placing his hand on his back. 

John nods his head. “She’ll be alright. This isn’t her first seizure, remember? She has epilepsy. So, Sam, I know what you’re thinking… and no, this is not your fault. Don’t blame it on yourself.” John’s voice is sharp, only because he wants to make sure Sam isn’t blaming himself for this. “She has the medical condition. It was bound to happen at some point.” It was just scary because it was the first one they’d witnessed. 

Sam slowly nods his head to his father’s words, but he can’t help but think it is his fault. He was the one who had exacerbated it. If he hadn’t decided to leave, if he hadn’t made her cry so hard, maybe she wouldn’t have had the seizure. Sam watches them for a few minutes while Meredith continues to eat, before Dean starts to slowly guide him from the room. “Will you let me know when she wakes up, if for some reason I’m not awake?” Sam asks immediately before Dean can drag him from the room.

John nods his head. “I’ll wake both of you boys up if she wakes before you, though I don’t think she will. Try to get some rest, okay? I’ll take care of her tonight, and tomorrow when I need sleep, it’ll be your guys’ turn.’ 

“Good night, dad.” Dean says quietly, turning Sam away from John’s bedroom and bringing him to the guest bedroom. “It’s alright, Sammy. We’ll take care of her tomorrow. She’ll be just fine tomorrow. Dad’s right. She has epilepsy. It’s fine.” 

Even Sam could see through Dean’s tone. Dean was just as worried as he was, even though Dean wasn’t feeling the immense guilt Sam was. Sam just nods his head, and Dean tells him to come get him if he needs anything. “Wait.” Sam says quietly, causing Dean to back up and look at Sam. “The bed… it’s made for two people. Will you stay with me tonight?”

Sam’s cheeks are flushing. He hadn’t asked Dean to stay with him since they were children, but he really didn’t want to be alone. He had the feeling Dean didn’t want to be alone either… which was only proven by Dean immediately agreeing to it, even sounding a little relieved.

The two brothers climbed into bed on their respective sides, both laying on their backs as they stared up at the ceiling. It was going to be a long night for them and their father, only thinking of the little girl who was starting to drift to sleep while drinking from her bottle. 

John pulls the bottle from her mouth when it’s three-fourths gone, sitting her up a little bit so he can burp her, before helping her to lay back down. John’s arms come around her protectively, pulling her into his chest. His own eyes are open, wide awake while Meredith snuggles up to him and falls deeply asleep, exhausted from her seizure.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, I wrote this instead of doing my homework tonight, whoops. I know I've pretty much been posting once a day with this, but remember this story's just going to be sporadic, and whenever I have the time and muse to write it. (: 
> 
> I hope you guys like it! The boys and Cas meet for the first time... Sam might have a little bit of a crush. More sick stuff happens with Meredith. Comment & let me know what you guys think!

Meredith was about the only one who got any sleep that night. John had stayed awake the entire night, holding her and making sure nothing else bad was going to happen. Dean had tried to convince Sam that it was okay, and he could sleep, but Sam just couldn’t. Neither could Dean. They kept trying to tell themselves that this was going to happen, that she had epilepsy and there was nothing they could do about it except keep her safe, but every time they closed their eyes they saw her on the entryway floor. 

Finally, about 6:00 in the morning, Sam gave up on trying to sleep. He figured he’d been in bed long enough and if sleep hadn’t come by now, it wasn’t going to come. Climbing out of bed, Sam changes into a pair of sweatpants, running his hands over his face tiredly. His hair was messed up from where he’d been laying on it all night, but he didn’t bother trying to fix it. Sam pulls a shirt on, going down into the kitchen and starting to brew coffee.

Dean was just a few minutes later, having heard Sam getting out of bed. He then heard coffee brewing, which was what eventually pulled him out of bed. He pressed his ear against John’s bedroom door to see if he could hear anything, but it was silent. Meredith must still be asleep; he wondered if his father had gotten any sleep. Dean figured he hadn’t, though, because John was more invested in Meredith than even he and Sam were. 

The air was heavy and tense between Sam and Dean, and Dean knew it wouldn’t be any better when John ended up coming downstairs. The two brothers sat at the kitchen table silently, drinking their coffee after it finished brewing. After a few minutes, Sam had muttered something about calling the doctor, exiting the kitchen before Dean could say anything. Dean furrows his eyebrows, wondering why Sam was going to call the doctor. After all, they’d known about this from the get go. 

Sam went up to his guest bedroom, pulling out his laptop and powering it up. He googles ‘Dr. Novak,’ as he’d heard John mention him once before when talking about Meredith giggling. A phone number came up with only a little bit of searching, and Sam calls. He expects to get a voicemail inbox, since hardly any doctors ever answered their phone.

To his surprise, though, he picked up. “Castiel Novak.” He says, and Sam is so surprised he can hardly speak for a moment. He didn’t know what he had been expecting, but he wasn’t expecting this man’s voice. He sounded younger than Sam was thinking, and much kinder.

Sam quickly clears his throat, knowing he needed to speak. “Uh, Dr. Novak, hi. My name is Sam Winchester. I’m John Winchester’s son. He had mentioned something about you being—”

Sam is cut off by Castiel’s voice. “You must be part of the Winchester family who took in Meredith.” He says conversationally, and when Sam confirms it, Castiel continues speaking. “To what do I owe the pleasure of this phone call, Sam?” 

“She… she had a seizure last night.” Sam says quietly. “And I know she has epilepsy, so she doesn’t need to go to the doctor or anything, but…”

He trails off, and Castiel understands what he’s saying. He’s been around patients and their families long enough to know that tone of voice when he hears it. “But all of you are struggling to cope with it.” Castiel finishes. He figured Sam must be taking it the hardest, if Sam was the one who was calling him. 

“Yeah.” Sam finally replies, almost whispering. “None of us got any sleep last night. Well, my dad’s still with Meredith, who’s asleep, but I’m sure he didn’t get any sleep. And I know both my brother and I didn’t. Every time I close my eyes, I just keep seeing her on the floor convulsing.” He confesses. 

Castiel sighs. It was always hard dealing with a sick relative, especially when you cared about them so much. It sounded like Sam really cared about her, in a protective ‘big brother’ sort of way, which would make it an even harder pill to swallow. “Well, Sam, it will get easier as time goes on. I know that sounds bad, but eventually it won’t seem quite so shocking. I also know that doesn’t help you at all right now. So, how about you and I meet up and we can talk through it a little bit together?” Castiel was no therapist by any means, but he was the one who knew the most about this situation, which would make it easier for Sam to talk to him than someone who had no idea what was going on. 

“I don’t… I don’t know, Dr. Novak.” Sam says nervously, tugging his fingers through his hair in an attempt to straighten it out. “Last night I wanted to go for some drinks with friends, and Meredith was finally starting to get close to me… and when I left, she started to cry. It was the first time she’d cried, and she was just sobbing, and I felt so bad, and when she finally stopped crying, she…”

“Please, call me Castiel.” Castiel had quickly interrupted after he’d called him Dr. Novak, but then listened intently. His voice turned sharp, though it was still sincere. “Sam, you can’t blame yourself for this. It’s good that she started to trust you enough to cry. But you wanting to go out with your friends is a normal thing to do, and I can guarantee you it wasn’t what made her have a seizure. She’s had seizures for as long as I’ve been seeing her, and I’m sure for a long time before then as well. But you know what I can tell you?” 

Sam is silent, so Castiel continues. “I can guarantee you that’s the first time she’s woken up from a seizure while she was in a loving environment. Whenever she had seizures at her old caretakers’ home, I’m sure they hurt her, just like they did with everything else. The employees at the adoption agency took care of her the couple of times she had a seizure there, but that wasn’t a stable home environment. I’m assuming you and John were still with her after she finished having the seizure?” 

It takes Sam a second to respond, because he can feel he’s choking up. “Yeah.” He breathes out quietly. “Me, my dad, and my brother Dean were all there. It was only a minute long, but it felt like hours. Once she stopped we all told her we were there for her, and that it was going to be okay.” 

“See? I’m sure that’s the first time she’s woken up from a seizure and had someone speaking lovingly to her instead of screaming at her or hurting her for something she couldn’t control. And it wasn’t just one person that was comforting her, it was three of you.” Castiel pauses, allowing a few seconds for his words to sink in. “I know it’s a tough pill to swallow, Sam, but all of you are doing a great job of taking care of her. So, please, don’t blame yourself. If you would like, I can give you my cell phone number, and you and I can talk separately even when I’m not in my office. As long as you don’t abuse it, of course.” 

Sam manages a small smile, nodding his head while he swallows around the lump in his throat. “Yeah. That would be great… Castiel. Thank you.” He grabs a pen and random scrap of paper to take down the number, thanks the doctor one more time, then hangs up. Sam actually felt much better about the situation, even though he still felt terrible that Meredith was having to go through all of this. 

He slowly exits the guest bedroom and goes toward the kitchen. As he’s walking toward the kitchen, he sees Dean standing in front of his dad’s bedroom door. He watches him for a moment, curious as to what he was doing, and smiling when he realized. Sam then went back down into the kitchen to finish up his coffee.

Almost silently, Dean pushes open the door, peeking his head in to see what was going on. Meredith was still fast asleep, showing no signs of waking up any time soon. John, however, was struggling to stay awake. He was just as upset as his sons about the seizure, but he was getting older, and he couldn’t pull all nighters like he once could. He was starting to doze off, but as soon as his chin would drop down to his chest, he would wake himself back up. Dean gives a small smile, pushing the door open a little more so he can enter the room.

John jolts himself back awake again, jumping a little bit in surprise when he sees Dean is suddenly standing in his room. “Let me take her for a little bit.” Dean whispers, and John looks down at Meredith nervously. 

“I don’t know, son. She’s not ready to wake up yet… and I don’t want her getting scared if she wakes up and I’m not there.” The last thing they need is for Meredith to have another panic attack so soon after she’d had a seizure. 

“I know she’s not ready to wake up yet. Look, dad, she’s not even showing any signs of waking up any time soon. I’ll take her into the living room or my bedroom or something, and I’ll hold her while she sleeps. That way you can get some sleep, and if she starts to wake up, I can bring her back to you before she does.” Dean’s tone is quiet and persuading, hoping John would let Dean help him. 

“Alright, alright.” John says quietly. “Just make sure the second she starts stirring that you bring her back to me, alright? I’m not sayin’ you and Sam can’t handle her, I just want to be the first face she sees when she wakes up.” 

Dean knew John wasn’t saying anything about him or Sam, and he didn’t even know if Meredith would freak out if Sam or Dean were the first people she saw. They just didn’t want to take any chances, and Dean understood that. He nods his head in agreement, moving to the side of the bed opposite from John and placing his arms around Meredith.

He starts to slowly lift her from the bed, Meredith making a small keening noise as he does so. “Shh, it’s okay.” Dean whispers, rubbing her back for a second while he lets her settle. He then scoops her up into his arms in one smooth motion, holding her against his chest. Meredith starts to make those snuffling noises like she had with John before, her nose ending up nuzzled in Dean’s neck. 

“Good night, dad.” Dean whispers, slowly walking Meredith out of his dad’s bedroom. He shuts the door behind him, bringing Meredith downstairs. She’s still fast asleep, snuggled up against him. 

John mumbled something that Dean couldn’t quite understand, but he knew John was about to fall asleep. Once he gets down to the kitchen, Dean sees Sam sitting there, and he gives him a small smile. “We’re going to go lay down in the living room.” He whispers, Sam nodding his head in agreement. 

Dean moves slowly, so he doesn’t wake Meredith up, going to lay down on the couch. He props himself up a little bit, so she’ll be more comfortable laying on him. Her chest is flush against his, and he pulls a blanket down, covering her up with it and resting his hands on her back over the blanket. Meredith’s nose never moves from his neck, and Dean is absolutely in love. 

Of course, he had loved Meredith before then, and had considered her a part of the family since the second he learned of her existence. But they hadn’t been bonding that much because she had such a special bond with Sam… and now he was starting to understand just what that pure innocence could look like. Meredith had no problems with him holding her when she was asleep. She wasn’t nervous or overwhelmed when she was asleep. She was just content to let whoever hold her, as long as she was warm, and she could keep sleeping. Dean’s heart was swelling just looking down at her. 

Dean lets his chin rest on top of her head, allowing his own eyes to close. He could feel himself starting to get sleepy as well. At first, he hadn’t really understood how his dad was falling asleep after something like that, but now he got it. Now that Meredith was curled up in his arms, and Dean could see firsthand that she was okay, he was starting to get sleepy too. 

He was thinking about turning on the tv, but he didn’t want the noise of it to accidentally wake Meredith up. So, instead, he just laid there on the couch, perfectly content to snuggle with her. At one point, Dean got his phone out from his pocket and started scrolling through the Internet, just to pass the time by. 

Sam came in a while later, sitting down in the armchair across from the couch. He watches the two of them for a few minutes, meeting Dean’s eyes and shooting him a small smile. “She’s adorable.” He says quietly, and Dean nods his head in agreement. “I talked to Dr. Novak for a few minutes, saying we all felt terrible about what had happened, but he made a good point. He said that this is probably the first time she had a seizure that she woke up in a loving environment. He said that before when she had seizures, she probably got hurt by her old caretakers… so this is the first time she’s woken up to loving words, and not being yelled at.” 

Even Dean is blinking away tears at that. He still didn’t understand how someone could hurt someone as innocent as Meredith, but he especially didn’t understand how they could hurt her over things that weren’t under her control. Hurt her for having seizures? Hurt her when her brain was already hurting her? It made him wish he could have been the one to kill the caretakers. As bad as it may sound, he was glad they were dead. “Well… I’m glad we were all here for her first one.” 

The two of them sat in silence, Meredith still fast asleep. It was getting to be 10:00 by the time they heard John’s heavy footsteps started to wander around his room. Sam got up and went into the kitchen, starting a new pot of coffee for his father, knowing he’d only gotten a couple hours of sleep. 

It was just finishing up brewing when John finally started down the hallway. Sam poured John a glass, then poured himself and Dean a glass, knowing they were going to need a lot of coffee today. John came into the kitchen, grunting out a quiet thanks to Sam when he’s handed a cup of coffee. 

He swallows down the bitter liquid gratefully, his eyes shutting for another second. “Thanks for letting me get a couple hours of sleep.” He says quietly, even though it had been Dean that had taken Meredith with him. “Everything go okay?” 

Sam nods his head. “Dean’s been laying with her in the living room since he came downstairs. She still hasn’t woken up, and she hasn’t made any moves like she was going to wake up.” He places his hand on his father’s shoulder. “How you holding up?” 

John just shrugs his shoulders, taking another couple of drinks of the scalding liquid. “I’m fine. Why?” He rolls his eyes when Sam just gives him a pointed look. “Yeah, it sucks. Every time she even started to move last night, I was afraid she was about to have another seizure. But it’s life, and she’s going to have more of them. I just have to deal with it.”

“Yeah, but you don’t have to deal with it on your own.” Sam points out. “It’s okay for you to be scared about it, even if it’s supposedly ‘normal’ for her. Seizures are never normal, no matter what the diagnosis is. It’s still the brain hurting itself, and it’s still worrying. You know you can talk to me and Dean, right?”

Nodding his head, John doesn’t say anything more. Sam had been expecting as much, because John was stubborn and liked to handle things on his own, but he at least wanted his father to know he didn’t have to battle this alone if he didn’t want to. 

“Dad.” Dean’s voice is quiet, but urgent, coming from the living room. John quickly takes a couple more drinks of the coffee before he goes to the living room, seeing Meredith was starting to stir.

He quickly moves to the other side of the couch, so he can scoop Meredith up in his arms, her legs instinctively coming to wrap around his waist. John starts to coo quietly to her, reassuring her that everything was okay. Meredith starts to whine quietly as she wakes up, then starts to whimper. John continues whispering soothing words to her, feeling her diaper to make sure it wasn’t making her uncomfortable. It was completely dry, so John says softly, “Did Dean change you when he got you today? He loves you so much, doesn’t he?” 

Dean’s eyes widen a little bit when he sees John feeling Meredith’s diaper – about to apologize for not changing her, because he hadn’t even thought about it. But when John spoke again, Dean’s heart immediately sank. “Dad.” He says quietly, and John turns around with Meredith in his arms. “I didn’t change her diaper this morning.” 

“Oh.” John says quietly, realizing that meant she hadn’t gone to the bathroom in… what, fourteen hours now? He knew that for babies, anything over six hours could be an emergency… but what happened if it was an adult baby? He knew fourteen hours was way too long, though. John realized she must be dehydrated from how much she had sweated during the seizure, as well as how much control of her bladder and bowels she’d lost during it. The diaper had been very messy, and now John’s stomach was churning with guilt because he hadn’t even thought about her getting dehydrated. When Meredith lifts her head to look up at him, and tears aren’t even welling up in her eyes, John’s fears are confirmed about how dehydrated she is. 

“I need to call the doctor.” John says quietly, swallowing around the growing lump in his throat, even though he feels like he’s going to puke. He doesn’t allow Sam or Dean to say anything to him before he’s exiting the room, finding the number for Dr. Novak and calling him up.

John explains the situation and what’s going on, and Castiel is trying to figure out if she really needs to come to the hospital or not. He knows Meredith doesn’t do well with hospitals, and he doesn’t want to stress her out more after her seizure, but they need to get her hydrated again. Weighing the options, Castiel finally sighs. “I would like you to bring her to the hospital. To my office. That way she’ll at least be somewhat comfortable. I’ll get the IV fluids we need to hydrate her again, and we’ll get her fixed up. Is there any way you can get her at least a bottle of water and get it to her while you’re on the road?” 

“Yes, of course.” John says quickly, grabbing a diaper bag and quickly packing it with the basic necessities. He doesn’t know how long they’re going to be there, and he’d rather be over prepared than under prepared. “We’ll be there in less than half an hour. Thank you, Dr. Novak.” 

“Boys, we’re going to the hospital!” John says quickly, while he finishes up packing the bag. “I need one of you to get a couple of bottles full of water, and I need another one of you to get the car started. Dr. Novak believes she’s too dehydrated for us to rehydrate her here, so she needs IV fluids.” 

Sam runs to grab the car and Dean runs to fill the bottles with water. They’re both worried, both also feeling guilty for not realizing that she should have gotten more water in her. John finishes up the bag, makes sure Meredith is settled in his arms, and carries her down to the car. He tries getting her into her car seat, but Meredith refuses, instead just clinging to him. John sighs. “Sam or Dean, can one of you drive the car so I can sit with her in the back?” 

Since Sam had already gotten the car, he just stayed in the driver’s seat. Dean climbs into the passenger seat, passing John a bottle. He quickly pulls Meredith’s pacifier out of her mouth, replacing it with the bottle. She starts to slowly suck it down, John cooing to her and telling her she needed to keep drinking. That she was such a good girl. That everything was going to be okay.

Twenty five minutes later, they were in Dr. Novak’s office, and he was getting her set up for IV fluids. He’s cooing to her, frowning when he sees that Meredith isn’t even smiling at him. She had to be feeling pretty bad if she wouldn’t even smile at him. “Okay, sweetheart. We’re going to get you feeling better soon, okay? There’s going to be a poke…” He places the needle in her arm for the IV, and she whines. John kisses her head, telling her how good she’s doing. 

“She might feel a little cold because of the fluids starting to flow through her. That’s normal, just so you know.” Castiel says, looking to the brothers and their father. They all nod their head in understanding. Castiel starts the fluids, making sure they’re going in at the correct pace, then makes eye contact with Sam. “Sam, would you mind if we talked privately for a moment?” He questions.

Sam nods, following Castiel out of the room. He could feel his heart pounding. This man was more attractive than he’d thought he was going to be. He had dark hair and startlingly blue eyes… and he was a doctor, so obviously he was very smart. Sam had been out as bisexual for quite a while now, but he’d never had a relationship with another man. Not that he was saying he was going to be in a relationship with Castiel – god, Sam needed to stop thinking before he continued going in circles. “Hi, Castiel.” Sam says quietly.

Castiel gives him a small smile, reaching out to touch Sam’s shoulder. “How are you holding up?” He knew with all of the guilt Sam had been feeling earlier, and now that Meredith needed IV fluids, he was probably feeling even more guilty. 

Sam shrugs, mumbling something about being okay, up until he looked into Castiel’s eyes again. There was something just so… caring and understanding in them. “I feel like shit.” Sam confesses quietly. “And I know my dad feels like shit. But my dad won’t talk to me about any of it. I wish I could help him, but he won’t let me.”

“You realize you’re mostly doing the same thing, right?” Castiel asks, tilting his head to the side a little bit. “You must get that from him. Just know that Meredith is going to be okay. It’s scary, taking care of someone who’s so dependent on you, especially when they’re sick. But all of you are doing your best, and you’re providing her with a loving environment, and that’s the most she could ask for. As brothers, or family, or anything else, you’re going to make mistakes. But as long as you’re trying, and you’re providing her with a loving and stable environment, that’s the best gift she could ask for.” 

Sam nods his head, feeling his eyes filling with tears. He quickly rubs his eyes, not wanting to cry in front of him. Castiel just squeezes his shoulder, allowing him a few moments to collect himself before they went back in. He smiles when he sees Meredith whining and trying to reach for John. 

John didn’t know if he should hold her, because he didn’t want to mess with the lines that were going into her arm. He was just cooing to her and whispering soothing words to her, but she was still whining and trying to get in his arms. 

“It’s okay, John.” Castiel says quietly, and as soon as he gets permission, John is allowing Meredith to clamber into his arms. Castiel stays silent for a moment, smiling at the two of them. “It’s really great to see how close she’s getting with you, John.” He says softly. “I’m a little surprised she took to you so quickly, but I’m glad she did. Obviously, she can see you truly care about her and want what’s best for her.” 

John nods, smiling at Castiel. It was nice to hear that from him. He really was trying his best to do everything that was right for Meredith, but he couldn’t help but feel like he was failing as a father figure. Hearing those words of affirmation from Castiel made all the difference. “Thank you.” He says quietly, holding Meredith close to him.

They stayed there for a while, until Castiel was satisfied that he had gotten enough fluids into her. He had given her a full assessment and decided that she was hydrated enough – but that John needed to continue having her drink a lot of water for the next few days just to make sure. 

John was holding Meredith in his arms while he listened to Castiel’s words, nodding every few seconds to show he understood. Just as they were about to leave, John suddenly felt a warmth, and he knew immediately that she had wet her diaper. A small smile forms on his face. “She just went. Do you have somewhere where I can change her quick before we go?” 

It was obvious Meredith immediately felt better after going to the bathroom now that she was finally hydrated. She stopped whimpering and just released a quiet sigh, holding onto John a little less tightly now – though her grip was still tight, since he was holding her up in the air. Castiel leads them into an exam room where John can change her.

When they all got back to the house, everybody was feeling much better than they had earlier in the day. Meredith was starting to get hydrated, they weren’t constantly thinking about her seizure, and everything was slowly getting back to normal for the Winchesters.

Sam was sitting on the couch when Meredith started her attempt to crawl toward him. He looked down from where he was watching tv when he saw movement, smiling when he sees her trying to crawl. “Hi, sweet pea.” He coos, and he can’t help but to grin when Meredith stops trying to crawl and looks up at him with a wide and innocent grin. “You want to come to Sammy?” 

He reaches down from the couch, quickly scooping her up in his arms. He kisses her nose gently, tapping the pacifier that was held contently in her mouth. “Hi, baby.” He whispers. “Someone’s starting to feel better, huh? I’m so glad. The past couple days have been rough on you, huh?” 

Meredith settles into Sam’s hold, her eyes falling shut as she rests her head on his shoulder. She was tired, but she wasn’t so exhausted to the point where it was overwhelming. She lifts her head when she feels another hand on her back, sending Dean a tired smile when he comes to sit down on the couch next to Sam. 

When John came into the living room again, Meredith was sandwiched between Sam and Dean on the couch, practically smushed, but she didn’t seem to mind. The boys didn’t mind, either, all of their eyes focused on whatever cartoon was currently playing on the television. “You think you boys can handle getting her to bed?” He asks softly, knowing they would come get him if Meredith decided she needed John instead. 

Dean turns to look at his dad, nodding his head. “Yeah, of course. Get some sleep, dad. You look like hell.” John rolls his eyes fondly at his son, coming up behind Meredith on the couch and pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

“I love you, sweet girl.” John whispers, heading upstairs to let Meredith and the boys have some more bonding time before they brought her to bed.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for blood and other angsty things. I don't want to give it away in the notes, just be warned! 
> 
> I just recently hit over 6,000 views on all of my writing, so thank you all for that. Your comments mean the world to me, I love hearing that you guys are enjoying my writing! <3

John lived in a small town, and in small towns, news travelled fast. Just a few days after John had gotten Meredith, most of the town knew he’d taken in a little girl. Then a few people saw him carrying her out to the car, and the news spread fast that she was a little. However, because of littles becoming more and more popular, no one thought anything of it. There was hardly anyone, whether in the town or not, that judged littles or thought badly of them anymore. Sure, there were some conservative people that didn’t like it, but they were few and far between. This was going to prove an advantage for later on. 

The four had decided today was a good day to go to the beach. Meredith had probably never seen water while she was regressed. They had no idea about her life before the regression, but they knew her life while regressed was only full of pain, and they wanted to help her make as many good memories as they could. They had gotten her into a swim suit, with some clothing over top for the ride there and for when she wasn’t in the water. Sunscreen, lots of water, snacks, and towels were all packed. The men were all excited, and Meredith was happy just because all of them around her were happy. 

The beach was a half an hour drive, and Dean had decided to ride in the back with Meredith, having downloaded some games for little kids on his phone and brought more things to entertain Meredith while they were on their way there.

Because it was one of the first nice days, there were many people out and about. People were wandering around town, there were a lot of people riding bikes, and there were many cars on the road. John was driving, Sam was sitting in the passenger seat, and for the first twenty minutes of the ride, everything was calm. 

They weren’t even ten minutes from the beach when disaster struck. John had stopped at a red light, and when it turned green he was starting through the intersection. Dean happened to see something out of the corner of his eye, seeing a large truck coming their way in the intersection, and it didn’t look like they were slowing down. “No!” Dean yelled, throwing off his seatbelt and doing his best to jump in front of Meredith to shield her, because the truck was coming on her side. 

Sam’s head snapped around when he heard Dean’s yell, and John tried to step on the gas to get out of the intersection faster, but there just wasn’t enough time. The truck slammed into the driver’s side, causing the Winchester’s car to spin. The metal is all crushed in, glass raining down on all of them. Airbags flew out with inhuman speed, but it seemed like everything was moving in slow motion. 

When the car finally stopped spinning, and everything was settled, Sam quickly forced himself out of his seatbelt, his hands shaking. “Dean!” He yells to his brother, who’s unconscious, slumped over Meredith’s car seat. Meredith is sobbing, but Sam can’t see if she’s hurt. He then looks to his father, who’s slumped against the steering wheel, blood pouring from his head. “Dad!” 

Sam is freaking out, and he knows he needs to take a deep breath, otherwise he’s not going to be any help. He quickly looks down to check himself for injuries, but aside from a few scratches from the glass raining down and some soreness in his torso from his seatbelt and the airbag, he was unharmed. Because his side wasn’t crushed, Sam could quickly open the passenger door and get out, rushing to the driver’s side to assess the situation for his family.

A few bystanders went to the other car, and more flooded around the Winchester’s car. He can see there’s a large gash across Dean’s forehead, as well as many other injuries. He and his dad had been injured the worst – John because he was in the driver’s seat, Dean because he’d gotten out of his seatbelt to protect Meredith. 

Sam doesn’t know who to go to first. He wants to get them all out of the car, but he knows he can’t, in case any of them have a spinal injury. A few people push past Sam to get to John, and somebody tries to pull him away from the car, asking if he’s hurt. Sam quickly fends them off. “I’m not hurt, I’m fine! But I can’t leave, I need to help them!” 

Sirens were in the distance, and Sam breathed a sigh of relief, knowing help was at least on the way. He hadn’t even thought to call 911 in the midst of his panic. Meredith is still sobbing loudly, but it sounds more like terrified cries, not ‘I’m in pain’ cries. Sam’s hands are shaking, his head quickly snapping up when he hears a groan coming from Dean. “Dean!” He says quickly, reaching in to grab his brother’s shoulder. “Dean, don’t move. Stay right there. There was an accident.” 

Sam pulls off his t-shirt, pressing it against Dean’s head where he was bleeding. Just glancing toward the front seat, he can see another guy’s done the same thing and is putting pressure on John’s head wound, who is still unconscious and against the passenger seat. Dean grunts, wanting to give some form of sass as his response, but instead he tries to sit up. But as soon as he moves, he’s stopped by a terrible pain in his side, so instead he decides to listen to Sam and just stay where he is. 

A few moments later, Dean slumps over again, and Sam realizes with dread that he had just passed out again. However, in the front seat, John was groaning and starting to sit up. Even though his side of the car had gotten completely smashed in, the back end of the car had taken the brunt of the accident, since he’d been trying to speed through the intersection. “What – what happened?!” John asks, his eyes wide.

Sam tells a girl standing next to him to keep the pressure on Dean’s head, quickly going to the front seat where John was now starting to freak out. “Dad, it’s okay!” Sam says quickly, his father looking over at him with wide eyes. “There was an accident. Your head is bleeding, and you probably at least have some broken ribs.” Sam’s eyes scan down John’s body where he can see, but it looked like John had gotten relatively lucky, and hadn’t gotten his arm or leg broken. 

“Meredith.” John mumbles, quickly looking in the back seat to see her still sitting in the car seat – but then he also sees Dean slumped over her. “Dean!” He practically roars, starting to struggle against his seatbelt. 

By this time, firefighters and paramedics have arrived. There’s no way for them to get into the car through the driver’s side and they don’t want John to climb out the passenger side, so they grab a special saw that can cut through metal without causing sparks. “Don’t worry about me!” John says frantically, by this point having grabbed onto the shirt on his head and was holding the pressure on it himself. “Get my boy and my girl out of there!” 

“We are, sir.” One of the firefighters says. “If you look over to the passenger side, in the back seat, you’ll see there are paramedics opening the door to get him onto a back board and are going to pull him out that way. Once that’s done, then we can get her out. Now, please, we need you to calm down. We’re going to get all of you out of here and to the hospital as soon as we can, but we need all of you to cooperate.” 

When Dean is pulled from the back of the car on a back board to stabilize his back and neck, the paramedics then try to pull Meredith out. But when they try to pull her out she starts to fight them off, her cries only rising in pitch and fervor, scared because of these new faces. Sam crosses over to that side and tells the paramedics that he can get her out of there, so they quickly step aside.

Sam swallows hard, climbing in the car and gently placing his hand on Meredith’s cheek. She tries to hit his wrist away until Sam starts cooing to her. “Mer, honey, it’s me, Sammy.” He whispers, trying to stop his voice from shaking. He needs to be strong for her, and his brother, right now. 

Meredith’s eyes snap open when she hears Sam talking, releasing a fresh new sob and reaching her hands out to Sam. “It’s okay, Sammy’s got you.” Sam continues to coo, leaning forward to unstrap her from her car seat. Once she’s unstrapped, Sam pulls her into his arms and awkwardly maneuvers them until they can climb out of the car again. 

Meredith was still terrified, but her sobs had started to simmer down when Sam took her in his arms… up until she saw Dean on the stretcher when they were going to load him into the ambulance. “De!” Meredith wails, trying to struggle out of Sam’s arms. She doesn’t know how she’s going to get to Dean, since she can’t walk, but she knows she needs to. 

Sam is clinging to Meredith, so she can’t get down from his arms, and he’s having a heavy debate in his mind. Did he bring her over there, so she could see him and potentially traumatize her more if she saw his injuries more up close? Or would it traumatize her to not see him, and potentially think he was dead? 

Sam finally walks a few more steps toward Dean, swallowing around the lump in his throat. He’s afraid to look at his brother, afraid of the injuries he could have, visible and invisible. “De…” Meredith whimpers when Sam walks toward him, her chest heaving. 

“It’s okay, baby.” Sam says, though his own voice is starting to shake. “He’s going to be okay. He’ll be just fine.” He needed to be just fine. Sam didn’t think he could deal with losing his older brother, the one he’d been so close to the entire time he was growing up. 

Dean is loaded into the ambulance. They had been planning to take both John and Dean in the same ambulance, but Dean needed to go now, and they hadn’t managed to get John extracted from the vehicle yet. With one last look at Dean, Sam looks up at the paramedics, a pleading look in his eyes. “We’re going to take care of him.” One of the paramedics assures, shutting the ambulance doors and jumping in the front to take Dean to the hospital. 

Sam turns around when he feels a hand on his shoulder, being met by a pair of blue eyes. Sam’s first thought was Castiel, and how he needed to call him, but this wasn’t Castiel. “My name is Officer Shurley, but you can call me Chuck.” He says, giving a comforting smile to Sam. “Can you tell me your name? And who’s this?” 

The last question is said in more of a cooing tone, and Sam gives a small smile despite everything. At least this officer was familiar with littles and didn’t seem to mind them. “Sam. Sam Winchester. That… was my brother Dean that just got taken in the ambulance… my father, still in the driver’s seat… and this is Meredith.” 

“Okay, Sam. If it’s okay with Meredith, I’d like to take her for a few minutes, so you can get checked over, and I can check her over to make sure the blood on her clothing isn’t hers.” Chuck says in a reassuring and comforting tone, placing his hand on Meredith’s back. 

Meredith just now picks her head up from Sam’s neck, looking over at Chuck with fear evident in her eyes. “Hi there, little one!” He coos, opening his arms to her. “I know you don’t know me, and that’s scary, right?” She slowly nods her head, still clinging to Sam. “My name is Chuck. I’m a police officer, so I’m a good guy. I’m not going to let anything happen to you, okay? But Sammy here needs to get checked out to make sure he’s not injured, and so do you, sweet one.” He gently taps her nose, which causes a tiny smile to form on Meredith’s tear-stained face. 

Slowly, Meredith leans out of Sam’s arms a little bit, so Chuck can take her. He settles her on his hip, smiling when Meredith brings her thumb up to her mouth to suck on it. Her pacifier had been lost during the accident, so no one said anything about it. A paramedic comes up to do an exam on Sam, and Chuck sits down on the side of the road with Meredith, so he can gently feel where the patches of blood on her clothes are to make sure she’s not bleeding. 

Dean had done a good job with shielding her, though, and none of the blood was hers, it was all Dean’s from when he was slumped over her. “Okay, honey. You look like you’re doing fine, and I think Sammy’s fine too.” 

“Daddy?” Meredith asks in a heartbreaking tone. “De?” Most toddlers wouldn’t understand what a car accident was. Wouldn’t understand what the effects of a car accident could be. But she had endured her entire ‘little’ life being hurt, so she understood it all too well. 

“They’re getting your daddy out of the car right now, and De is going to the hospital, so they can fix him up.” Chuck pauses, looking over to the car, where John was finally getting out of it. “Do you want to see your daddy?” 

Meredith gasps loudly when he asks, turning around and squirming in Chuck’s arms. He gives a small smile, quickly bringing her back over to the car. John had been looking around frantically for her, having seen the ambulance with Dean already leaving. “Oh, baby.” John says, quickly taking Meredith out of Chuck’s arms. “Oh, sweet girl. I’m so glad you’re okay… daddy’s okay. De’s going to be okay.” He nuzzles his nose into the side of her head, kissing the side of her head quickly. 

Dean was in surgery for hours. A doctor did another exam on Sam and another exam on Meredith and agreed with the first assessment that they were okay. John had a scan done to make sure there was no brain damage, and once it was determined there wasn’t, his head was stitched up and he was set to be observed for the next 24 hours. They didn’t admit John, though, knowing that he would be at the hospital for the next 24 hours anyway due to Dean being in surgery, then being admitted into the hospital.

Someone found some diapers for Meredith, as well as bottles and formula they could use. They couldn’t find an adult pacifier, though, so she was having to make do with her thumb. Neither Sam nor John said anything about it, knowing she needed comfort somehow, and this was the best they had. They’d also found blankets for the two men to wrap her up in, since they didn’t have any pajamas for her, only having planned on a day excursion to the beach. 

When Dean finally got out of surgery, he was taken to the ICU. They said the ICU was just a precautionary measure for the night, wanting to keep a careful eye on him to make sure nothing bad happened, and that the next day he should be moved into a regular room to recover. Sam went in to sit with Dean for a while, while John stayed out in the hallway with Meredith. John really wanted to go in and see his boy, but they didn’t want Meredith to see this. She’d seen too many traumatizing things for one day, she didn’t need to see Dean unconscious, hooked up to a bunch of machines, with a tube sticking out of his mouth that was breathing for him. 

After Sam had sat with Dean for a while, they switched, and John went in to sit with him while Sam stayed in the hallway with Meredith. It was a long night. None of them got any sleep, including Meredith. Every time she closed her eyes she saw Dean bleeding on her, his eyes closed while he was slumped over her car seat. 

“De…” Meredith whimpered at one point, and Sam kissed the top of her head. He was feeling the same way. He felt pitiful that he couldn’t do anything for his brother. If it were up to Sam, he would be the one in that bed right now, and Dean would be okay.

“I know, sweetie.” Sam whispers. “I know it’s scary, but De’s okay right now. He’s a fighter. He was a fighter before we had you, and I know he’s going to fight even harder than he would normally because he wants to come back to you.” 

Meredith sniffles quietly. She rests her head back down on Sam’s shoulder, and Sam holds her close. They fed her a few bottles that night, mostly out of comfort instead of because she was hungry. But they were willing to give Meredith anything she wanted to comfort her. 

It was days before Dean started gaining consciousness back. It was a slow process for him to wake up, but he was starting to come back, and that was what really mattered. They had taken his breathing tube out before they moved him from his ICU room, so he was looking better, but he still looked bad. Once they moved him to a regular room, they’d allowed Meredith to come in and see him a little bit, until she started wailing because she couldn’t curl up in bed beside him. 

It was heart wrenching, yet heartwarming, to see Meredith so scared for Dean. Considering before she hadn’t been too comfortable around him, and now all she wanted to do was be around him, it was good to see. It was terrible it had taken something like this, but at least Meredith was warming up to him. Meredith had also been clinging to John quite a bit after seeing all of the blood pouring from his head at the scene, and multiple times a day she would kiss where the bandage on his forehead was, trying to make it better. 

Overall, Meredith was warming up to the Winchester family. She wasn’t always so afraid they were going to hurt her, nor that they were going to leave her. It was still a slow process, and they still had a long way to go, but it was progress. 

John and Sam both still hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep. They’d gotten some, but it was nearly impossible to sleep in those hard-plastic chairs the hospitals had for family members. Meredith was getting more sleep than they were, but even she wasn’t getting a lot, because she would wake up crying for Dean, afraid that he was gone forever. 

All three were sitting in Dean’s room when he finally started to wake up. They were watching a cartoon on the tv, though it was turned down low, so it wouldn’t disturb anyone else in the hospital. They were thankful that Dean had gotten a single room, so all three of them could sit in there with him and not be taking up too much space. 

When Dean started to wake, he let out a quiet grunt, his hand coming up to rub at his eyes, but he stops when he feels a sharp pain in his torso, letting out a groan. Because John was currently holding Meredith, it took Sam less than two seconds to be up from his chair and sitting on the edge of Dean’s bed. “Dean?” He asks quietly, a bright smile on his face when he hears his brother groan again. “Hey, it’s okay. Do you know where you are?” 

Dean’s voice was scratchy, his mouth was dry, and his throat hurt, as well as many other parts of his body. He felt like he’d been run over by a truck, which, essentially, he had. “Hospital?” He mutters, wincing at how much it hurts to talk.

“Yeah. There was a car accident. But everyone’s okay. You got the worst of it since you unbuckled and threw yourself out in front of Meredith. But Mer is completely fine. Dad has a little bit of a head injury, but they gave him the all-clear, and I’m fine. Now that you’re awake…” Sam breathes a sigh of relief. “Everyone’s going to be okay.”

Meredith was struggling to get out of John’s arms, wanting to get over to Dean as fast as possible. John was holding her back, so the brothers could talk, but Meredith wanted to be there now. Finally, Sam stands up from the bed, so John goes over to where Dean is laying. 

Meredith releases a quiet whimper when she sees Dean’s eyes are closed. Wasn’t he awake? Was he okay? Dean needed to be okay now. She needed him back. These past few days had been scary, and she kept having nightmares that Dean was gone and never coming back. 

When Dean hears Meredith whimper, he slowly forces his eyes open, a drowsy smile forming on his face. The pain killers were doing a good job at keeping him dazed and tired, even though they were mostly taking the edge off the pain instead of making sure he wasn’t feeling any pain at all. “There’s my favorite girl.” He whispers gruffly. 

When Meredith hears the words, she releases a quiet sob, desperately trying to get out of John’s arms so she could go to Dean. “No, no, baby. Dean’s still hurt, and he needs to rest, okay? You can cuddle with him when he’s not so hurt.” 

Meredith wasn’t having any of that, continuing to fight against John’s grip. Another smile forms on Dean’s face as he slowly stretches out his arm, wincing at the pain in his torso, but allowing for a little space between his arm and his torso. “Let me have my favorite girl. She’ll help me feel better. Won’t you?” 

He coos the last two words, ignoring the pained look he gets from John. “Dean, you know that’s not a good idea. Most of your ribs are broken, you have bruises and gashes all over your body, including your torso, and whenever you even move your arm it hurts. It’s not a good idea for her to lay down with you.” 

“Give me the girl.” Dean says firmly, even though his eyes are already falling shut. “Look at her. We’ve been tryin’ to get her to bond with me this whole time, and now she finally wants to. And look at that little face… you can’t say no to that.” 

Meredith looks up at John with the most sorrowful expression she can muster, and it does truly break John’s heart. He sighs. “Okay, sweet girl. You can lay with him for a little bit, but you have to be very still, okay? And you can only lay with him for a little while.” 

John’s barely finished talking before Meredith is trying to wiggle her way out of his grip again. Dean chuckles, wincing again at the pain in his throat. “Still, sweetheart.” John reminds her, and Meredith stills, so John can lay her down in the bed next to Dean. 

Once she’s laying next to Dean, Meredith wiggles her way carefully up a little bit, so she can nuzzle her nose in Dean’s neck. Dean lets out a small grunt, but wraps his arm around her, allowing Meredith to snuggle in close to him. Both of their eyes close, and soon enough both are asleep. Dean’s comfort isn’t just coming from the pain medication coursing through his veins, but also from the warmth of the girl lying next to him. Meredith’s comfort is coming in the form of the man next to her, hearing his heartbeat and being assured once more that he was still here and okay.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is kind of more of a filler chapter, so I'm sorry for that, but I hope you guys still like it! I did put some fluff in there, so. 
> 
> Also, just a question for you lovely readers, do you think we should give John a love interest? If so, who do you think? An original female character or one of the characters from SPN? (I'm also willing to give him a male love interest, just depending on what y'all think.)
> 
> Anyway, kudos & comments feed the muse! I'm so glad you guys are liking this. <3

“Hey, Cas – uh, Castiel.” Sam quickly stumbles on his words. He and Castiel had been texting each other quite a bit ever since the accident, but they still weren’t that close, and Sam didn’t know if he was on the correct terms to be calling him a nickname yet. “I’m sorry to bug you, but Dean’s running a fever, and I think he might have an infection.”

The Winchesters had been home for a few days now. The doctors had been reluctant to let Dean go, but Dean had wanted to get out of there so badly, they’d finally relented… on the premise of all of them promising they would call for help if anything started to happen. Sam could easily promise that since he and Cas had been talking so much lately.

Castiel more specialized in unconventional things that most doctors wouldn’t even know about, not regular medicine. But he had promised the family he would help if there was anything he could do, which included looking after John and Dean and their injuries. “How high is the fever?” Castiel questions, already starting to pull on a jacket to head over to the Winchester household. “Can you see the incisions from his surgery? Do any of them look bad, like with pus or drainage coming from them? Or, if the skin is red and warm around one of the incisions that could mean an infection as well.” 

“Uh, his fever is a little over 101… and yeah, one of the incisions from his surgery doesn’t look good. We’ve been doing the dressing changes just like they told us to, but it’s draining something and the skin around it is red.” Sam says quietly. Dean was currently sleeping due to the nausea from the fever he was experiencing, and Sam didn’t want to wake him up. 

“Alright, Sam, here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to try and very gently clean up the incision site using warm water. Do not be rough with it at all. I’m going to head to the hospital and grab some widespread antibiotics, as well as more sophisticated tools I can use to clean out his incision, and then I’ll be right over.” Castiel says quickly. He also grabs Meredith’s file, figuring he could do a quick check up on Meredith while he was there as well. 

Sam hangs up the phone with Castiel, taking a deep breath. He quickly peeks into his father’s room where he was sleeping. John had been sleeping quite frequently since the accident because he kept getting headaches. They reassured him it was normal for frequent headaches after a mild concussion, but they were all just hoping it would go away soon. Meredith was in the nursery, fast asleep in her crib.

Or at least, she was until Sam got ready and was just about to start cleaning up Dean’s incision like Castiel had asked. As soon as he got the washcloth squeezed out, he heard whining coming from the nursery. Sam sighs quietly, wondering what the best plan of action would be… finally, even though it breaks his heart, he leaves Meredith in the nursery for a few minutes, so he can clean up Dean’s incision without having to worry about taking care of her at the same time. 

But while Sam is trying to quickly clean up Dean’s incision, Meredith is crying harder and harder, which is just making Sam more agitated. He grits his teeth and tries to ignore it for now, up until Dean suddenly startles awake, groaning at the feeling of the washcloth against the painful incision. “What are you doing? Go get Meredith!” He grunts.

“Dean, you have an infection in your incision and Cas told me I needed to clean it up.” Sam pleads with him, not even realizing he’d just called him Cas instead of Castiel or Dr. Novak. “I know she’s crying, but he’s going to be here soon, and I promised him I’d have it cleaned up.” 

“I got it, Sammy.” Dean grunts again, taking the washcloth out of Sam’s hands. “Go get her before she has a heart attack or thinks no one’s coming to get her. Remember when her caretakers OD’ed she was left alone for a couple days, thinking no one was coming back for her.” 

By the time Sam gets into the nursery, Meredith is agitated, sitting up on her knees and rocking back and forth in her crib. She has both hands gripping the bars of the crib, her face screwed up in an expression of pain, and her entire face red from how hard she’s crying. “S-Sammy… Daddy… De…” She whimpered every couple of seconds, afraid that they were all gone, and she was going to be left on her own again. 

“Hi, sweetheart.” Sam coos softly, scooping her out of the crib. Meredith immediately clings to him, pressing her face into his chest while she continues to cry. “I’ve got you, baby.” He whispers, hand moving up and down her back soothingly. “I was just taking care of De, sweet girl. You know we’re never ever going to leave you. We love you so much.” 

Meredith was shaking, her hand clenching into a fist in Sam’s shirt so he can’t move away from her. “L-left…” She whimpers, and Sam realizes she must have had a bad dream.

“Did you have a nightmare, sweetheart?” Sam whispers soothingly, going to sit down in the rocking chair with her. “Did you have a bad dream where we were gone, and we weren’t coming back?”

Sam’s theory is confirmed by another loud sob as she buries her face more into his chest. He starts to rock her back and forth, gently shushing her and telling her it was all okay, that he wasn’t going to leave. 

“What’s going on?!” Sam’s head snaps up as the nursery door is shoved open, John anxiously looking around the nursery only to find that Sam currently has Meredith all curled up in his arms. “Is she okay?!” 

“Daddy—” Meredith hiccups, reaching out for him. John quickly steps toward the rocking chair, so he can pick her up out of Sam’s arms, looking down at Sam questioningly.

“She had a nightmare.” Sam says, giving a small smile. Meredith had been having a lot of those lately, ever since the accident, always afraid that they were going to be gone and never coming back for her. “I was just trying to calm her down. Dr. Novak is on the way because Dean has an infection.”

“Dean has an infection?” John asks, his eyes wide. An infection was one of the things they’d been the most worried about with letting him out of the hospital so soon. John had thought they were doing well with changing the dressings on the exact schedule they said to, but obviously they hadn’t been doing enough. “Is he okay?” 

“I was just cleaning his incision because Dr. Novak told me to when Meredith ended up waking up. It woke Dean up, so he said he was going to finish cleaning it while I got her. I’ll go see how he’s doing.” Sam quickly stands up from the rocking chair, brushing past the two to go back into Dean’s room, seeing he’d gotten it pretty well cleaned. “Hey… how are you feeling?” 

Dean grunts out quietly. He was nauseous and felt like the room was spinning. He was sweating, and it was obvious to him that he was running a fever. “Shitty.” He mumbles quietly, shifting in the bed and wincing at the pain in his ribs. “I wish they could do something for broken ribs aside from let them heal.” He knew that wasn’t how it worked, but god he wished it could work that way. 

A few minutes later there’s a knock on the door, so Sam quickly goes downstairs to answer it. “Hey, Castiel.” He says quietly, moving aside so Castiel can come on in. “Thank you for coming. He’s really not feeling good. We got the incision all cleaned up, though.” 

“Hey, Sam. No problem. I’ll just take a look and see what’s going on. It’s unconventional, and technically I shouldn’t be doing it, but I’m going to put an IV in, so we can get him the broad-spectrum antibiotics. However, I’ll need to be here frequently to ensure everything is going okay with the antibiotics.” Even doing an in home IV made him a little nervous, but he was well equipped to handle anything that came his way. 

“My dad has an extra spare bedroom you could stay in if you wanted to.” Sam answers, silently hoping the answer is yes. He would like to get to spend some more time with Castiel, maybe get to know him better… snap out of it, Sam. “Only if you wanted to, though. Uh, Dean’s upstairs, come on.” 

Castiel follows Sam upstairs to where Dean was in the bedroom. He opens the door quietly, seeing Dean had drifted back into a light sleep. “Dean, Dr. Novak is here. He’s going to check you out and get you started on some antibiotics, so he’s going to have to put an IV in, okay?” 

Dean merely grunted his approval. He trusted Dr. Novak since he had been taking care of Meredith all this time. Castiel sets about getting Dean’s vitals, noting that he did in fact have quite a high fever, and his blood pressure was a little high as well. Castiel then examines the incisions, noting the one that the infection was from. “It looks like you caught the infection early enough. Sometimes if we don’t catch the infection of an incision early enough, we could have to reopen the incision and clean it out, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to come to that. Hopefully these antibiotics will get him feeling better soon.” 

Castiel had brought quite a few medical supplies with him, not knowing what he would need. A box of gloves, an IV kit, a couple bags of antibiotics, even some surgical tools that he was praying wouldn’t be necessary. If they were, Dean was going to have to go back to the hospital, but something small, Castiel could do in home. 

He gets Dean all set up with the IV and hangs the antibiotics, ensuring they’re dripping at the correct pace before slowly exiting the room, telling Dean to get some sleep. When Castiel exits, John and Meredith are standing out there. “How is he?” John asks, obviously trying to hide the worry in his voice so he didn’t upset Meredith.

“He’s alright. Looks like we caught the infection early enough that we shouldn’t have to open up the incision to clean it out. I gave him an IV and started him on antibiotics, but because he’s at home and not in the hospital, I need to be checking him out frequently.” Castiel says, his tone neutral and even.

“I have an extra room you can stay in if you’d like.” John says, and Castiel smiles because Sam had said the same thing. “You’re more than welcome to stay as long as you need to.” John had also become rather fond of Dr. Novak, purely because of how good he was with Meredith, and he and Castiel were starting to slowly become friends. 

“Sam offered me the same thing.” Castiel nods, chuckling quietly. “I will likely take you up on your offer. I’ll have to get some things from my apartment, and I’ll probably have to leave to go to work and get some things done, but I will be here often.” 

Meredith starts to lean out of John’s arms while Castiel is talking, opening her arms to Castiel and hoping he’ll take her. Even though he was her doctor, and the doctor could be scary, he was one of her favorite people in the world. He was always so nice and made sure not to hurt her, even if he was doing a medical procedure. 

“Hi, you.” Castiel coos, opening his arms to take her in. He settles her on his hip, brushing his fingers through her blonde hair gently. “How are you? Daddy still taking good care of you?” He asks, and Meredith nods, looking up at him with wide green eyes. “I figured you and I could spend some time together today, how does that sound?” 

John knew Castiel was talking about giving her an exam to see how things were going, but Meredith just happily nodded, resting her head on his shoulder. “She just got up from a nap where she had a nightmare.” John warns, knowing Meredith was going to be more vulnerable than usual. “Can I be in the room…?” 

Castiel nods his head. “Of course, you can, John.” Especially when someone was as vulnerable as she was, Castiel liked to have someone else in the room, purely just to help protect his reputation. He would never violate a patient but having another witness there for whatever he did was always a good thing to do. “Let’s go in her nursery.” 

The two men go into the nursery with Meredith in tow, where Castiel sits her down on her changing table. “So, how has she been doing?” He asks John, smiling down at Meredith when she smiles up at him. He starts to gently feel around her neck to make sure everything is good there, before grabbing the thermometer and running it over her forehead, ending at her temple. “98.9. Temperature is good.” 

“She’s been doing well, all things considered.” John says with a quick nod. “She still doesn’t make many noises, but when she gets upset with something she wails loudly. It’s kind of cute, because if something upsets her even a little bit, you’re sure to know about it.” He chuckles quietly. “She’s been bonding more with Dean now since the accident. She’s not as worried about us touching her or holding her. She’s been having a harder time since the accident, especially with nightmares, but she’s hanging in there.” 

Castiel had continued with his exam while John was talking, nodding his head every few seconds. At one point he had leaned down a little bit, and Meredith grabbed his hair, giggling quietly. Castiel then chuckled quietly, waiting for her grip to loosen. Once it did, he grabbed her hand and instead brought it to his mouth, so he could pretend to nibble on her fingers, which earned him another quiet giggle. “I think it’s interesting how she’s getting better with making noises when she’s upset, but she still doesn’t want to make noises when she’s happy. Has she been speaking or making any noises other than the giggling?”

John shakes his head. “The most she does is giggle, and as you can hear, it’s normally pretty quiet. She doesn’t speak unless she’s saying one of our names. We’ve tried to get her to laugh, or get excited about something, but she refuses.” 

“I’d guess that even though they hurt her when she was crying, they might have hurt her even worse when she was happy.” Castiel says with a nod. “Which… doesn’t quite make sense to me, but perhaps they wanted to rob her of any joy she felt?” He wished he had a more extensive look into her history, so he could know more about her, but unfortunately, they just had to work off assumptions. 

“Yeah, I don’t know.” John answers quietly, sighing. “I just don’t understand how someone can do that to a person. I don’t understand how they can do that to anyone, let alone someone who’s suffering from a brain injury and is in the mind state of a child.” 

Castiel nods. “Unfortunately, there are a lot of child abusers out there. I’m just glad she got placed in your home, where she seems to get a lot of love to combat the old abuse.”

“I’ve figured out that they must have dropped her a lot.” John states. “Whenever I pick her up, she clings to me. When I figured it out, I mentioned something about her being dropped and she freaked out, so to me that means—”

“They threatened to drop her.” Castiel finishes. If even the words meant something bad to her, then she must know the pain associated with them. “Well, everything looks good. She’s gaining weight, and she seems to be happy here, so you’re doing well. Just keep working with her on the noises and talking and hopefully someone will be able to get through to her.” 

“De.” Meredith whimpers quietly. There hadn’t been a single day so far where Meredith hadn’t whined for Dean. Even though Dean was recovering, she was always worried that at some point he was going to disappear and not come back. 

John sighs softly. “De’s sick, sweetheart. We need to let him rest so he can get better, then he’ll be able to play with you more.” 

But Meredith didn’t want to play. Sure, playing would be fun, but she mostly just wanted to make sure Dean was okay. She was content to curl up with him and do nothing, purely because he was at least there. “De.” She whimpers again, looking up at John with sad eyes.

John looks to Castiel, who shrugs. “I suppose it’s up to Dean. Meredith seems to be doing well with being gentle when she’s around him, so I suppose if he’s up to it, she can go lay with him for a little bit.” 

Meredith was still pretty tired. Because she had woken up with the nightmare, she hadn’t gotten nearly her full nap in. So, she would be okay with going and curling up with him and taking a nap. That was mostly what Dean was doing now, napping. Meredith didn’t understand it, but John and Sam kept telling her it was helping him get better. 

John scoops up Meredith into his arms off the changing table, carrying her upstairs and slowly pushing the door open to Dean’s room. “You up for a visitor?” He asks quietly when Dean slowly opens his eyes to look at who was entering. 

A tired smile forms on his face when he sees Meredith’s wide and innocent eyes. She’d been spending so much time with him lately, and he wasn’t complaining one bit. Meredith was who he was fighting the hardest for, who he was trying to get better for. “Always up for my favorite girl.”

Castiel was behind John, and he can see Dean starting his attempt to shift in the bed. “Hold on, Dean, let me help you.” He says quickly, passing John and Meredith and going to the bed. He helps Dean maneuver a little bit more to the side of the bed so there’s more room for her to lay.

Dean puts his arm out, so she can settle down, and John sets her down on the bed gently. There are a few muffled whimpers that escape as she starts trying to nuzzle in closer to him, Dean shushing her gently. “I’ve got you, sweet pea.” He whispers, kissing her forehead. Once he kissed her forehead, Meredith started to settle down, her own eyes starting to close. “We’re gonna take a nap together, huh?” He asks, smiling as he feels her starting to relax. 

A few days later, Meredith and Dean were once again taking a nap together. Dean was getting better, he wasn’t on such a heavy pain medication anymore, and they were actually starting to get him up and walking around a little bit. When Meredith woke up, Dean was fast asleep. Both Sam and John were downstairs, but they hadn’t thought to turn the baby monitor on, so they could hear if either of them needed anything. 

Meredith laid there quietly for a while until her full diaper started to become too uncomfortable. She didn’t want to wake Dean up, because they’d said it was what was going to make him better. Meredith peeks over the side of the bed, eyes widening at how far down the floor seemed. But she takes a deep breath and was just about to start her attempt to climb out of bed when Dean’s protective instincts kicked in and told him he needed to open his eyes right then. 

Looking over, he sees Meredith is about to go over the edge of the bed. Dean instinctively reaches out to her, fingers gripping onto her wrist at the last second, tugging her back before she could tumble off. Meredith’s eyes widened, and Dean knew she was afraid, so he started to gently tickle her sides, causing her to start to giggle instead. “Where do you think you’re going, huh?” He teases, stopping the tickling once he’s satisfied she’s not going to freak out. 

Then the smell hits him and Dean chuckles quietly. “Someone made a mess, didn’t they?” He questions, leaning forward so he can kiss her forehead. “It’s okay, we’ll just get either daddy or Sammy to come up here and change you.” 

Dean goes to grab his phone to text one of them before realizing it must be downstairs from the little bit of time he’d spent downstairs the day before. Dean groans quietly, deciding to call out for them – but he knows it’s a lost cause when he doesn’t hear either of them coming up the stairs. “Okay.” He says, knowing what he needs to do, but he’s not too keen on doing it. “I’ll change you then. I need you to stay right here, okay? Don’t move a single muscle.” 

Meredith nods solemnly, looking up at Dean with wide eyes. Dean was nervous, because he’d been getting up and around lately, but only with extensive help from Castiel and the rest of his family. He was still pretty weak, and his ribs were still painful, so this wasn’t going to be a fun time. 

It takes Dean much longer than it usually does to get to the nursery, and by the time he gets there, he’s exhausted. Still, he perseveres. He grabs a diaper, the wipes, and everything else he needs, before making the slow journey back to his bedroom. There was no way he would’ve been able to carry Meredith there and back.

“Alright, sweetheart.” Dean says once he gets back into the bedroom, obviously out of breath. “Let’s get you changed.” He would normally stand while he was changing her, but he was just too weak. Dean manages to climb on top of the bed again, wincing at the pain in his ribs, before starting to change her. 

Sam had decided to come up and see how things were, eyes widening dramatically when he sees Dean sitting up on the bed with things to change Meredith. “Dean! What are you doing?!” He asks, quickly rushing to his brother to help him sit back against the headboard. “Did you go to the nursery and get all of this? You walked by yourself?” 

Dean groans quietly as Sam helps him sit against the headboard, breathing out deeply so he didn’t end up throwing up, since his stomach was starting to churn violently. “Yeah. My phone must be downstairs or somethin’. I tried calling for you or Dad, but neither of you heard me… she needed to be changed, so I got up to get her stuff.” 

Sam can’t help the small chuckles that escapes his lips. “You’re insufferable, you know that?” He says, quickly finishing up changing Meredith and getting her all strapped up into her onesie again. “You have way too much of a soft spot for her.” 

Now Dean is rolling his eyes, though there’s a smile on his face. “And you don’t have too much of a soft spot for her? You’re just as bad as me, Sammy, you’re just not injured. You know you would’ve done the same thing.” 

Scooping Meredith up into his arms, Sam nods his head. “I suppose you’re right.” He looks down when Meredith starts whining, and her arms are outstretched in Dean’s direction, looking at him sadly.

Dean chuckles quietly. “She’s a big fan of me when I’m hurt. Don’t you worry your pretty little head, I’m sure she’ll want to go straight back to you once she’s not afraid I’m going to … you know.” ‘Die’ was the word Dean wasn’t going to say in front of her. 

Sam goes to set Meredith down on the bed next to Dean, but when he goes to walk away, Meredith starts whining again, gripping onto Sam’s shirt and refusing to let go. “Baby…” Sam says softly, smoothing some hair back from her forehead. 

“Looks like she wants both of us, Sammy.” Dean grins. “Guess you better make yourself comfortable and get ready to watch cartoons for the next few hours.” 

Sam groans, even though it’s a mock groan and there’s a large smile on his face. He helps Meredith move over, so she was more toward Dean, then Sam sits down in the bed, his back resting against the headboard as well. Dean takes hold of Meredith’s hand and squeezes it and Sam loops his arm around her shoulders. 

Eventually John realized that Sam never came back. He’d been immersed in a book, so he hadn’t even realized how long it had been since Sam had gone to check on the two of them. John wanders his way upstairs, a smile on his face when he sees the three of them together in the bed, all curled up with one another – and all fast asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff, fluff, fluff. Sastiel finally starts to become a thing. (; I loved writing this, aw.
> 
> Also you guys never answered if you think John should have a love interest or not! What are you thinking?
> 
> Aaaand, just so you guys know, if you click on my name and go to my profile, there's a 'subscribe to user' button. If you're interested in knowing whenever I post anything, instead of just subscribing to my stories, you should definitely utilize that, since I currently only have 3 subscribers. (;
> 
> Comments & kudos feed the muse, I hope you guys love reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Castiel had been checking up on Meredith, Dean, and John. John was still having problems with headaches, which was causing some concern for Castiel. He knew if they didn’t go away soon, he would have to investigate therapeutic resources to help with his concussion. Dean’s infection was slowly clearing up, the antibiotics were doing their work, and Meredith was still spending a lot of time with him. The three were all falling asleep for a nap when Castiel finally ended up going out of the room, having spent most of the morning with them. 

“Damn it!” Castiel hears Sam’s voice coming from the kitchen, peeking his head in to see Sam had just been pouring himself a glass of soda but had ended up spilling some of it. He debates on whether or not he should go in, but when he sees the look of irritation on Sam’s face, he decides it would probably be best to give him some time to cool down.

Sam had told everyone he was going to make dinner for them that night. He hadn’t said what it was going to be, but Sam was one of the best cooks of the family, so they didn’t mind. They’d even gotten Meredith some baby food, so they could try to feed her in her high chair while they ate, so she could feel more included in things.

Castiel decided to go hang out in the living room for a while, reading a book. All was mostly silent in the kitchen, except for the sound of Sam rummaging around and starting to get things ready for dinner that night. When it was almost an hour since the soda accident happened, Castiel decided he would go see how Sam was doing.

Walking into the kitchen, Castiel is met with another swear word, only this time it sounds more painful than frustrated. “Shit!” Poking his head in again, Castiel can see Sam running his hand under water, grabbing a paper towel to place against his hand, which Castiel can see is bleeding profusely.

“Sam?” He questions, quickly walking toward the taller man. “What happened? Are you okay?” Castiel tilts his head to the side, reaching out his hand to grab Sam’s wrist.

Sam quickly pulls his arm away, his teeth clenching. “I’m fine, Cas – Castiel.” He mutters, but Castiel can hear his voice is shaking. Obviously, there’s other things wrong than just him cutting his hand.

“Sam…” Castiel says quietly, reaching for his wrist again. “Let me see your hand. Let me help you. Please.” 

“I’m fine!” Sam says again, only this time it sounds more desperate, like he was pleading for Castiel to believe him; which only showed Castiel he shouldn’t believe him.

Castiel sighs, letting his fingers gently wrap around Sam’s wrist. “Let me clean up your hand, and then we can talk about what else is going on.”

“Dad, Dean, and Meredith are all more important, Castiel.” Sam snaps, attempting to pull his hand back from Castiel’s grip. “You should be worrying about them, not focusing on me.” 

It’s a quick realization of what is going on in Sam’s head. He was struggling because he wasn’t getting any attention at all. Sam had been taking care of the three of them for quite some time now, but no one was taking care of him – and Sam certainly wasn’t trying to let anybody take care of him. Castiel assumed it was because he didn’t want to feel vulnerable, not when he had so many people dependent on him. “It’s okay, Sam. They’re all sleeping. Let me help you.” 

Sam finally relents, allowing Castiel to have his hand. His teeth are still clenched together, and he bites down on his lip harshly, swallowing hard against the growing lump in his throat. He can feel how gentle Castiel is being as he starts to mop up the blood, before guiding him to the bathroom so he can patch him up. 

It’s a slow, methodical process, and both are silent for a while. Castiel is the first to speak. “You know, Sam, you are taking on a lot of responsibility for the three of them.” He states, ignoring how Sam tenses up. “You are allowed to be weak, you know that, right?” 

“If you’re weak, then that means someone has to take care of you. Meredith is weak, so we take care of her. Dean is weak because of his injuries, so we take care of him. Dad is weak because of his head injury, so I take care of him.” He pauses. “I don’t…”

“You know I’m right here, correct?” Castiel asks quietly, glancing up at Sam and meeting his hazel gaze with piercing blue eyes. “I know you feel as though you can’t be weak because you don’t have anybody to take care of you. But I can take care of you if you’d let me.” 

Sam can feel his eyes welling up with tears which he quickly blinks away. He swallows around the growing lump in his throat, clearing his throat quietly. “You’re already taking care of all of them.” He mumbles.

Castiel shakes his head. “I’m taking care of their physical needs, Sam. Not their emotional needs. There’s a difference.” Cas finishes up bandaging Sam’s hand, giving him a small smile. “Come on. Let’s go sit in the living room for a while.” 

Things had gotten normal quickly. It was normal for Castiel to be staying in John’s house. Castiel was getting comfortable there, comfortable enough to make his own food and take things from the refrigerator. The two go into the living room as Castiel had suggested, Castiel placing a gentle hand on Sam’s back to guide him to sit down on the couch. Castiel sits next to him, turning to face Sam. “So, Sam. Tell me what’s been going on.” 

Sam was just as stubborn as his father when it came to letting people help him. Even though he wanted the help, and he wanted Castiel to take care of him, he didn’t want to let him. Especially because Sam was getting more feelings for the doctor. “My accounting firm has started pestering me to come back.” He says quietly. “I’ve taken more vacation time than I said I was going to, because of the accident and Dean being sick. I know Dean’s getting better, so technically I could go back, but…”

“But you’re worried something may happen if you’re not here.” Castiel says gently, reaching out and placing his hand on top of Sam’s, which was currently on top of his leg. “Or you’re worried they won’t be able to take care of themselves if you’re not here.” 

Nodding his head, Sam sighs. “All of them are so dependent on me. I mean, my dad isn’t so much, but he still has headaches and he’s still getting frustrated with things easily. I’d hate to put him in a position where he could potentially lash out at Meredith because his head is hurting or because he’s frustrated he can’t do things as quickly as he used to. And I’m worried Dean’s infection will come back, or… something worse will happen.” 

“I can assure you I will continue to stay here and take care of them until I’m certain they don’t need me anymore. Even if you go back to your firm or go back to your house, they will still have care available.” Castiel nods. 

Sam nods as well, but then shakes his head. “Yeah, but you can’t be here all the time. You go to work every day. What if something were to happen while you were at work? We’re just getting Meredith comfortable and trusting, and if my dad were to lash out right now… I don’t know how their relationship would ever recover from that. There’s also the point of the last time I tried to go anywhere Meredith cried so hard she had a seizure. What if something like that happens again when I try to go back to work?” 

“Sam.” Castiel says sharply, his hand squeezing Sam’s. “You need to stop thinking of it as Meredith crying so hard she had a seizure. The two are not correlated, although you may think they are. It was more than likely going to happen either way and you can’t blame yourself for it. What if you tried slowly going back to work? If you started going in for a couple hours at a time? Then that way your work would back down on pestering you so frequently, and Meredith could get used to it before you have to go back to work full time.”

“I don’t know, Cas – Castiel.” Sam says quietly, running his fingers through his hair. Castiel was so close it was nearly intoxicating. Sam wanted nothing more than to curl up with him and watch a movie and forget about the world for a while.

“You know you can call me Cas, Sam.” Castiel smiles. He moves his hand from atop Sam’s, instead bringing it up to his upper back to rub his hand across it soothingly. He was feeling the same way about Sam, but both of them had their reservations. 

Castiel was worried that it would be inappropriate. Meredith and Dean were both his patients, and Sam was their family. He felt as though it could be a conflict of interest, even though Dean wasn’t ‘truly’ his patient. Sam was mostly worried that Castiel didn’t feel the same way. Up until now Castiel hadn’t shown any sort of affection toward him, so Sam didn’t want to try something and end up making a fool of himself. 

Practically everyone could taste the tension between the two of them whenever they were in the same room together. It was obvious that they liked each other and just didn’t quite know how to go about it. Castiel had been out as gay for quite a long time and was comfortable in his own skin, just how Sam was comfortable with being bisexual. But it was still hard because the two had never discussed their sexualities with each other. 

“You need to relax.” Cas says quietly, deciding to make his first move. If anything, the relationship was going to move slowly, no matter what. But he figured this could be a good first step. “How about we watch a movie together?”

Sam nods his head slowly. He had an inkling this was Castiel making the first move, but he wasn’t sure. If it was, he was glad. Sam was definitely not courageous enough to make the first move. “Sure. A movie sounds nice.” Sam was still supposed to cook dinner, but he figured them ordering in for a night wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Especially considering his hand was wrapped up in gauze and it would be hard to wield a knife like that. 

Castiel takes the remote and turns the television on, quickly flipping through the channels until it comes on an old western movie. It wasn’t the best movie in the world, but it would do. He sets the remote back down on the coffee table in front of them, placing his arm around Sam’s shoulders. Sam leaned back against his arm a little bit, and the two sat like that for a while, until Castiel decided Sam seemed comfortable enough.

He gently takes his arm that’s around Sam’s shoulders and pulls him closer in until Sam is tucked into his side. Sam’s breath caught in his throat, which made Castiel freeze, but soon enough Sam settled into the hold. His head rested on Castiel’s shoulder, one of his hands now coming to rest atop of Castiel’s free hand that was settled on his lap. 

If anyone would have looked at either of them, they would have seen nervous and excited smiles on their faces. It was like two teenagers in puppy love, a brand-new relationship where all of it was just so exciting. Sam’s heart was pounding in his chest and he hoped Castiel couldn’t hear it over the sound of the movie; Castiel’s heart was pounding just as hard as Sam’s. 

John was the first one to come downstairs. The pair were so immersed in the movie and in each other’s hold that they didn’t even hear him coming down the stairs. John looked into the living room when he heard the television, a smile forming on his lips when he sees the two all snuggled up together on the couch. It looked like they were finally getting in tune with one another, and John was grateful for that.

When Sam had first come out as bisexual, John didn’t know what to think about it. He’d never expected one of his sons to be anything other than straight, but that didn’t change anything about how he felt about Sam. Sam was his boy, his youngest son, and as long as he was happy, John didn’t care if it was a girl or a boy. 

John then goes into the kitchen to give the two some space, seeing the remnants of the meal Sam had been planning to make, along with some blood stains on the counter. He chuckles quietly, getting everything put away into the cupboards and the refrigerator. John starts looking through the takeout menus he has stashed away in one of the drawers, figuring out what they were going to order for dinner that night. 

There was a taco place nearby that delivered, so John figured they would go with that. The family had been eating a lot of Chinese and pizza lately, so mixing it up would probably be welcome. He gets on the phone and orders a large variety of tacos, burritos, and other things. After all, they were feeding four men. John also ordered a side of refried beans (which wasn’t a normal thing to order, but they’d allowed it), so they could give it to Meredith and see how she felt about them. 

All of them were sitting at the table. Dean was sitting in a more comfortable chair than the rest of them, since he was already in so much pain and sitting in a wooden chair wouldn’t be good for his pain levels. He and John were sat on one side of the table with Meredith at the end of the table in her high chair, on John’s side so he could feed her. Castiel and Sam were sitting on the other side of the table, both making love eyes at each other. It was as much amusing as it was adorable. 

The doorbell rings, signaling the delivery of their tacos. John gets up to answer it, paying the delivery boy and giving him a large tip. He thanks him and takes the food in, taking it out of the boxes and bags and spreading it across the table so everyone could grab what they wanted. 

“This looks amazing, dad.” Sam says, and the rest of them nod in agreement. “I can’t believe we didn’t think about getting tacos before. I love this restaurant.” They’d gone there all the time while they were growing up, but Sam hadn’t been there or gotten food from there in god knows how long. 

They all start to dig in, except for John. He had grabbed a couple different kinds of baby food – some peas, carrots, and plums. He’d gotten a lot of variety because he didn’t know what Meredith would like and wouldn’t like, so those were just a few of the different kinds he had. John had also bought some smaller spoons, that way he wouldn’t be feeding her huge spoonfuls of baby food every time he put it into her mouth. 

“Alright, sweetheart. We’re going to try something new today!” He’d put a bib on her, so she wouldn’t get food all over her onesie, even though he knew that was bound to happen anyway. Meredith was messy even when eating a bottle, so he couldn’t imagine how messy she was going to get eating food. More than likely she was going to need a bath after dinner, but that was okay.

John decides to try the peas first, knowing most kids either loved them or hated them. He gets a spoonful of it and starts to bring it to Meredith’s mouth, laughing when he sees her wide eyes and confused expression. “Open up, sweet pea. It’s food. Just like your bottle.” 

Meredith slowly opens her mouth, so John puts the spoon in. She instinctively closes her mouth around it, and started trying to eat it, confused on what she was supposed to be doing. She was so focused on it that she didn’t realize all of them had stopped eating to watch her trying her first bites of food – Sam was even filming it, in true “proud big brother” fashion. 

It takes her a minute, but Meredith eventually swallows. Everyone is watching her to see what her verdict is going to be, and they all grin and cheer when her next move is to open her mouth for more. John gets another spoonful, starting to feed her more of the peas. If she was content with this, he wasn’t going to open the other two, and just save those for later. 

While John was focused on feeding Meredith, Sam, Dean, and Castiel were all conversing and having a good time. Dean couldn’t help but notice how both Castiel and Sam were only eating with one hand, and it was the hand that was opposite from where the other was sitting. He had the sneaking suspicion they were holding hands under the table, and if he could have looked, he would have realized he was right. 

Halfway through the meal, John was continuing his attempt to feed Meredith, when she shut her mouth and shook her head. John raised an eyebrow, confused as to why she would suddenly be refusing the food when she’d been so contently eating it earlier. “What’s wrong, baby?” 

“Daddy…” Meredith whispers, trailing off. John doesn’t say anything because he can see the look of concentration in her eyes, knowing she was trying to form another word. He didn’t want to rush her and scare her away from saying something else. “Eat.” 

John’s heart swells for multiple reasons. One because Meredith had just spoken a word beside their names, and two because she was refusing food because she was worried about him eating. He truly had hit the jackpot when Springkeep called him up and asked him to take Meredith in. “Daddy’s feeding you, sweet pea. I can eat in a little while.”

Castiel was also sitting next to Meredith, just on the other side of the table, so he quickly speaks up. “Actually, I’m done eating. Can I feed you?” He asks Meredith in a soft tone, smiling when Meredith grins over at him and nods.

John grabs a couple tacos that were left on the table while Sam gets up from the table to help Dean adjust in his chair. “Do you need to go lay down?” Sam asks Dean worriedly. They were getting Dean sitting up and moving around more and more, but they didn’t want to push him too far, because there was the potential to set him back in his recovery.

“No, Sammy. ‘M fine. I’m just a little sore.” Dean mumbles, frowning as he tries to shift again. Sam helps him to get into a more comfortable position, also adjusting the pillows that were in the chair with Dean.

“It’s about time for your pain medication again. I’ll go get it.” Sam says once everything is adjusted, quickly going upstairs to grab the medication out of the bathroom. He brings it back down to his older brother, who takes it gratefully. He always tried to never ask for the pain medication because he knew he needed to be weaning off of it as he got better. But sometimes it was so hard to not ask for it because of the amount of pain he was in.

“You know, Dean, you still have plenty of injury to be keeping yourself on the pain medication a little more than you are now.” Castiel says, always the voice of reason. “I know you’re trying to wean yourself off of it, but we don’t want you in immense amounts of pain, either.” 

Sam sends a pointed look to his brother, who shrugs it off. “I’m fine. I’ll tell you if I need it before the eight hours is up.” Sam rolls his eyes, which causes Dean to groan. “I will. I know I don’t like to, but… I will.” 

Dean was saved from his brother’s arguments when Castiel suddenly groans loudly then laughs. John, Dean, and Sam’s attention all shift over to where Castiel is feeding Meredith, and they laugh when he sees he’s now wearing some peas on his shirt. Meredith is also wearing many peas on her shirt and her hands and all over her face, despite Castiel doing his best to keep her clean.

“I think she’s probably full.” John says with a chuckle. “If she’s playing with it more than she’s eating it, I’d say we’re probably good to put the rest away. Sorry about that, Castiel. You can just throw your shirt in the laundry and I’ll get it done tomorrow, as long as that’s okay with you.” He reaches his hand out for the small container of baby food with not much left in it. 

“It’s okay, John. I will, however, be taking you up on that offer. Thank you.” Castiel smiles, grabbing a napkin and attempting to get some of the peas off his shirt, but finally giving up when he realizes he’s only smearing it in more.

“Alright, gorgeous.” John says, finishing up the last bite of his taco. “Looks like someone needs a bath now, so how about we go upstairs and get that done, then it’ll be bed time for a certain little girl! And a certain Dean…”

Dean rolls his eyes, even though he is getting pretty tired. He’d been up and about for a lot of the day, even though it was just sitting in a chair. It was exhausting. Sam laughs, but quickly perks up. “Can I give her a bath, dad? That way you can just relax.” 

All of them were noticing the change in Sam’s demeanor. It wasn’t that Sam had been sullen the last few days, but he hadn’t been his normal happy self. Now that he and Castiel had watched that movie and snuggled for most of the afternoon, it was like his entire mood changed. John was happy to see that. “Sure, son. Castiel and I will just get this cleaned up and help Dean to bed, then.” He looks over to Castiel to see his approval, which Castiel agrees to with a nod. 

Sam removes the tray off of Meredith’s high chair, unstrapping her from it and scooping her up in his arms. “Ready for a bath?” He coos to her and Meredith sticks her fingers in her mouth, using her other hand to grab a fistful of Sam’s hair, grinning.

He chuckles, carrying her up the stairs and getting the bath tub ready before getting her stripped down. Sam removes his shirt in case she splashes, getting on his knees by the bath tub after he lowers her in. “Want to see something cool?” Sam asks in an excited tone, so Meredith nods happily. 

Sam pours some bubble bath in, Meredith’s eyes widening and a soft squeal leaving her lips when bubbles start to appear. She starts to play with them, slapping her hands down into the water, causing it to splash. Sam chuckles. “Gentle, baby.” 

Meredith happily plays with the bubbles while Sam starts to get her all cleaned up. This was the first bath he was giving her, so he was glad she seemed comfortable with it. It was probably helping that he had given her some sort of distraction, so she wasn’t stuck in her mind. It was also a sudden realization that Sam had when he heard her squeal. That was the first time she’d made a happy noise other than giggling. Every time something like that happened, it only sealed the theory that he and Meredith had some sort of special connection, whatever that was. 

Scrubbing away all of the remnants of leftover peas, Sam makes sure she’s all squeaky clean before he drains the bath tub. He scoops Meredith out, wrapping her in a soft towel and carrying her to the nursery. Meredith was starting to get sleepy, seen by how she was rubbing her eyes and sticking her thumb in her mouth. “Nuh uh, sweetheart. Here.” He says gently, brushing her pacifier against her lips until she removes her mouth and takes the pacifier instead. “There you go. You’re such a good girl, you know that?” 

There’s a drowsy smile written on Meredith’s face while Sam continues to coo to her while he gets her into a diaper, some warm pajamas, and dries and brushes her hair. By the time Sam is done brushing her hair, she’s almost purring with content, not wanting the moment of Sam’s attention to end. Eventually, however, it does, and Sam scoops her up into his arms and goes to put her down in her crib. 

Meredith whimpers, clinging to him like a koala so he can’t put her down in the crib. Sam looks down at her, quirking an eyebrow. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?” He asks gently. She’d never refused to sleep in the nursery before, and he was wondering if she was still having terrible dreams. 

“De.” Meredith whispers. “Sleep. De.” It takes Sam a second to figure out what she’s trying to say, but he quickly realizes she’s saying she wants to sleep with Dean for the night.

“Let’s go see what Dean thinks, okay?” Sam asks, keeping her held in his arms while he knocks on Dean’s door.

Dean had just gotten situated into bed with some help from his father and Castiel. He was glad to finally be laying down, as it felt like an entire weight had been lifted off his chest. It was also much less painful to be laying down. “Hey, there are my two favorite people in the whole world.” Dean says, more for Meredith’s benefit than Sam’s, but it was still true. 

“Someone is refusing to sleep in the nursery tonight, because she wants to sleep with you.” Sam says with a smile. There had been a few nights where Meredith had slept with Sam before, so it was normal behavior, especially if she’d been having nightmares lately. 

“Well, then someone should be laying in my bed right now because it’s way past her bed time.” Dean grins at Meredith, who sends him a tired smile in response. 

Sam goes to lay Meredith down next to Dean, who places his arm around her and helps her snuggle into his side. But just like the other day, when Sam tried to walk away, Meredith whined and gripped onto his arm in a tight fist. “Sammy. Sleep.” 

Sam raises an eyebrow at Dean, asking what he thought about it. It wouldn’t be nearly the first time they’d shared a bed together, hell they had just done it that night that Meredith had a seizure. But normally it was more out of necessity or for comfort reasons, not just choosing to do so. 

Dean rolls his shoulders into a shrug. “It’s a big enough bed.” It certainly was, it was a king size bed and could easily fit three people, especially if Meredith was going to be snuggled up between the two. 

Sam glances to the door, nodding his head. “Okay, baby. Just let me get ready for bed and I’ll be right back, okay? I promise.” Meredith looks at him warily, but Sam sends her a reassuring smile. “I promise, baby. Five minutes tops.” 

When Meredith lets go of his arm, Sam steps out of the room, planning to go to his own room. Instead, he’s met by Castiel in the hallway. Sam glances down, suddenly a little self conscious, considering he was still shirtless from when he’d given Meredith a bath. “Hey, Cas.” Sam says quietly. 

“Hello, Sam.” Castiel says, offering him a smile. It had been a long day for all of them, although it had also been a good day. “I… I hope you don’t think this is too forward, but…” 

Sam’s eyes widen at Castiel’s words, having no idea what he was about to say or do. To his delight, Castiel slowly leans forward and just barely brushes their lips together. Even though it was the most hesitant and lightest kiss he’d ever received, Sam almost felt himself buckle at the knees. “Good night, Sam.” Castiel says quietly, disappearing into his room.

“Good night, Cas.” Sam says in just as quiet of a tone, though he feels like he’s floating. He can’t believe everything that happened today. First the two snuggling and watching a movie, Sam opening up to him… and now he’d just gotten a good night kiss. He honestly felt like a teenager. Young love. 

John had come into Dean’s room when Meredith wasn’t in the nursery, smiling when he sees her all curled up with Dean. “Going to sleep with De tonight?” He asks, once again smiling when Meredith nods her head, reaching out her arms to him. “Good night, my sweet girl.” John says, hugging her tightly then pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead.

“Daddy.” Meredith says happily, leaning into his touch. It only took one simple touch from John to make her happy, no matter what was going on. His touch calmed her and made her feel safe, even if it was just the smallest touch. 

When Sam returns back to Dean’s room, he feels like he’s on cloud nine. Dean can immediately see a difference in him, which causes him to smirk, but he doesn’t say anything about it. He doesn’t want Sam to get self conscious about it or anything. 

Sam climbs into the bed next to Meredith, making sure Dean’s comfortable before he gets comfortable. Meredith snuggles up to both brothers, each of them taking turns pressing a kiss to her forehead before they all drift to sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little shorter than I like to make them, and probably shitty. I'm just exhausted, but I really wanted to get something new out for you guys since I haven't had time lately. ): I hope it's okay.
> 
> Comments & kudos feed the muse.

Sam, Dean, John, and Castiel had all been coaxing Meredith into talking more. It had taken them a while to realize that she could talk, and she knew how to talk, and then it had taken them longer to realize the reason she never did was because she was afraid to. There had been a hushed conversation between the four of them one night while they discussed how her old caretakers must have gotten mad at her for talking – then Dean brought up how Meredith stuttered sometimes and pointed out they’d probably gotten mad at her for struggling to talk, as well.

Ever since then the four of them had been coaxing her into talking more and more. They always encouraged her, always gave her enough time to gather her thoughts, never rushed her when she was struggling to form a word. It was a very slow process, just like most things in Meredith’s recovery, but they were starting to at least make some progress. Meredith was starting to string together a few words at a time instead of making short, choppy sentences. She still didn’t talk often, but they were okay with that. They were going to take it one day at a time and let her move at the pace she was comfortable with.

Dean was especially helping Meredith with talking. Since they had been spending so much time together, Dean had been doing most of the coaxing to try to get her to talk. Sam had never before called his brother a ‘patient’ person, but Dean was proving him wrong every day with how patient he was with Meredith. Whenever she struggled to put words together, or to get them to form on her tongue, Dean was right there encouraging her, promising her that it was okay, and she could take all the time she needed. Meredith talked most when she was around him.

Slowly, day by day, piece by piece, Meredith was starting to act more like a normal baby. She wasn’t always so scared she was going to be hurt. She wasn’t always so scared they were going to leave her. Sam had even started going back to work for a few hours at a time and she was okay with it. Every time Sam came home, though, Meredith was already waiting by the door. A wide grin would form on her face, and Sam’s would mirror hers – even if it had been a rough few hours at the accounting firm, seeing his little girl right as he walked through the door was enough to brighten his day. 

Dean and John were both getting better as well. John’s headaches had finally gone away, and Dean was able to move around more and more with each passing day. Dean still had a lot of doctor appointments, but they were getting more spread out, and the appointments were all going better than they had been before. 

On this particular day, Dean had a doctor appointment and John decided he would drive him. They were all a little weary about getting back into a car, despite how many times they’d been in a car since the accident. But it needed to be done. Castiel had gone back to work at the hospital, so that left Sam and Meredith home alone since he wasn’t going in to the accounting firm that day.

Sam started following a lot of forums for littles ever since his father had brought Meredith home. It was nice seeing what other caretakers were going through, and sometimes they even had events. Most of the time, they’d been too busy or something else had been going on, so they hadn’t been able to make it, but this time when they advertised a small little party for the littles and their caretakers, he and Meredith were home alone. 

After doing some more research on it and speaking to some of the people who were going online, he found a lot of their littles were just going to be wearing what they wore on any normal day, so Sam decided to just keep Meredith in one of her onesies. It was simpler that way, and he wouldn’t have to worry about Meredith being uncomfortable. 

Meredith had been very antsy the entire time they were in the car – but it wasn’t the good kind of antsy where she was excited about the party. No, this was Meredith’s first time back in the car since the accident, and she was scared. It was even worse because Sam obviously had to drive, so he couldn’t be in the back with her, helping to keep her calm. By the time they got to the place where the party was being hosted, she was bawling. 

Sam quickly pulled the car into a parking spot and got out, unstrapping her from her car seat and holding her tightly to his chest. “Shh. You did so good, baby.” Sam whispers, cradling her head with his hand, keeping it pressed against his shoulder. He could feel her hot tears seeping through his shirt, but he didn’t care. “You were such a good girl. Everything’s okay now, see? We’re here.” He swayed her in the parking lot until she managed to calm down, only hiccupping every now and again. 

“Good girl.” Sam praises again, cooing to her as he places the pacifier in her mouth again. She had dropped it while she was crying and had refused to take it again, but now she finally took it. “Are you ready for the party? Are you ready to meet some people just like you?” He taps her nose gently, which finally manages to make her smile just a little bit. “There we go. There’s that smile I love so much. Come on, you’re going to have a great time.” 

Meredith whimpers, reaching a hand up to wipe her eyes, but Sam beats her there. Since he’s holding her on his hip with one arm, he uses his free hand to gently wipe the tears from her cheeks before leaning forward to press a gentle kiss to the tip of her nose. “My sweet little girl.” He coos, grinning when Meredith reaches a hand up to grab onto his hair. “See, there she is!” He tickles her tummy for a second, stopping when she starts to squirm. But at least Meredith was now smiling, and she seemed to be putting the trauma of being in the car behind her for the time being.

Inside, there were a ton of people. Sam hadn’t been expecting so many – it was really cool to see all of the different littles and their caretakers. He hadn’t realized so many people did this, whether it was voluntary or involuntary. Meredith was staying close to him, which he expected, but she didn’t seem to be too scared. More just apprehensive, which Sam could understand. 

They found another little girl who was with a male caretaker. Meredith seemed to take to her immediately, but Sam didn’t quite know how he felt about the caretaker. He seemed a little obnoxious, like he didn’t really want to be there. It took Sam asking him before he would finally introduce the little girl as Ruby, and himself as Luke. “Right. This is Meredith, and I’m Sam.” Luke had just grunted, not really saying anything in return. Sam rolls his eyes, instead looking back down to Meredith. 

The two of them had found a coloring book that had been provided and were giggling as they colored all over the page, drawing random lines everywhere. Sam couldn’t tell if Ruby was voluntarily or involuntarily regressed, but he supposed it didn’t really matter anyway. He also didn’t want to talk to Luke any more than he had to. 

Ruby was sitting in a chair by herself, but when Sam had tried to put Meredith down, she had whined. So instead he decided to sit down with them, Meredith settled in his lap, while the two girls colored together. Ruby was just chatting away to Meredith, a lot of words that Sam couldn’t quite understand, but Meredith seemed to be listening intently. 

Sam’s heart started to melt when Meredith actually started speaking in return to Ruby. She didn’t speak a whole lot, just a few words here and there between Ruby speaking, but it was something. This was the first time she was speaking in front of anyone other than the Winchesters or Castiel, which was a huge step for her. Sam knew his eyes were shining with pride, and he looked at Meredith with such a fondness in his eyes, he didn’t know how he could stand it. 

At one point, Sam glanced up to Luke to see he was standing there with an annoyed look in his eyes. He raised an eyebrow, confused as to why Luke would have even brought Ruby here since he so obviously didn’t want to be here, but he didn’t say anything. It wasn’t like Luke really acted like he was paying attention, anyway. 

Meredith finally started to form a sentence. It had taken her a while to get comfortable enough around Ruby to where she felt like she could string a few words together, but it was still taking her some time to do so. Ruby was patient, continuing to color while she waited for Meredith to speak. She had gotten a couple of words out, but then fell silent, concentrating while she tried to figure out what the next word she wanted was. It all seemed to be going well, until Meredith started stuttering.

Almost as soon as she started stuttering, Luke groaned and rolled his eyes. “For gods’ sake, would you just spit it out?” He says bitterly, immediately causing Sam’s body to tense. If looks could kill, Luke would have been ash on the ground right that very second. “You’re taking way too long. Come on, Ruby. Let’s go find something else to play with.” He picks Ruby up, and Sam shoots him another glare while he walks away. 

Sam then looks to Meredith, seeing her eyes were wide and filled with tears. He knew he only had two seconds to get her out of there before she started wailing, so he immediately stands up and scoops her up with him, going to carry her out the door. They didn’t even get to the door before Meredith was wailing and squirming in Sam’s arms, her cheeks flushed a dark red. Sam didn’t think toddlers even knew what embarrassment meant – but Meredith certainly did. She was mortified, and it was easy to see. 

As soon as Sam had scooped her up, he was cooing soothing words to her, telling her it was okay, that he was just being mean; she didn’t need to rush, and no one was upset with her for taking her time to think of the words she wanted. But those words were all going in one ear and out the other. 

By the time Sam got Meredith home, she was silent. Absolutely silent. There were no tears, no sniffles, no giggles, no words, no… nothing. It was causing Sam to get a little worried. He knew they must have just taken steps back in the progress they’d made with her speaking, but he’d hoped they weren’t going to lose all of the progress they’d made with her making noise. Perhaps they were, though. 

John and Dean were home, seen by the Impala sitting in his father’s driveway, when they got back to the house. When Sam went inside, he didn’t see either of them, so he figured they must be in their rooms. Sam goes to the nursery, quickly changing Meredith’s diaper and changing her into a new onesie, whispering soothing words to her the entire time. But she just sucked on her pacifier and looked everywhere except as Sam, and he was heartbroken. This was just like how she’d been when he’d first met her. How she gave no indication of anything and didn’t want to look at anyone. Sam didn’t know what to do.

Sam lays her down in her crib, feeling his heart aching once again when she doesn’t even fight it, like she had been lately. She always wanted to sleep with one of them now, rotating most nights so that she could sleep with one of them every few nights. But this time she didn’t even fight going down into the crib. 

Exiting the nursery and keeping the door cracked open, Sam goes to Dean’s guest bedroom and knocks on it quickly. It only takes Dean a couple of minutes to come open it, expression turning serious as soon as he sees the look on Sam’s face. “What is it, Sammy?” He asks, immediately assuming the worst.

“Uh, you know how Meredith and I went to that party tonight for the littles and their caretakers? Well… she met another little girl and they were coloring and having fun… and Meredith started talking to her.” He takes a deep breath while Dean waits, obviously not understanding what the problem was. If she was talking, that was great! “But… the little girl’s asshole caretaker, Luke, yelled at Meredith when she started stuttering.” He can feel himself getting pissed off all over again. It was a good thing Sam had left when he did, otherwise things would have not gone well at the party for Luke. 

Dean’s eyes widened, his hand clenching into a fist at his side. Meredith was already so embarrassed and self conscious about speaking, even in front of them – and the one time she’d gotten up the courage to speak in front of someone else, they’d ridiculed her for it. “Bastard.” Dean breathes out quietly, and Sam nods his head in agreement. “If he were here, I’d punch him in the face. Please tell me you punched him in the face.” 

Sam shakes his head, although it’s obvious he’s regretting not doing that as well. “No, I just got Meredith out of there as fast as I could. She was mortified. Now she’s not making any sounds at all, and I think she’s gone back into her head… Dean, I don’t know what to do.” Sam felt helpless. He was supposed to be the one with the special bond with Meredith, and he couldn’t even do anything to make her feel better.

Exhaling heavily, Dean nods his head. “I’ll go in there. See if I can do anything.” He didn’t think he’d be able to, but he was hoping he could at least give her some comfort if nothing else. After all, she had been speaking to him most of all lately. 

Walking to the nursery, Dean slowly pushes the door open, giving a sad smile when he sees Meredith laying there in the crib. She was just laying on her back, eyes open, not making a single noise. “Hey, kiddo.” Dean whispers, stepping into the nursery and shutting the door behind him.

“De.” Meredith whimpers loudly, and Dean can feel his heart shattering. She sounded so scared. She sounded so defeated. Both emotions were things Dean wanted to protect her from for the rest of her life. 

“Oh, sweetheart.” Dean whispers, going to the crib and lowering the side of it, scooping her up in his arms and cradling her to his chest immediately. “I’m right here, baby. It’s okay. I promise.”

Meredith is sobbing freely now, clinging to Dean like her life depends on it. She also really wants John, but Dean was the one who had been helping her with speaking so much lately. “Bad.” Meredith whimpers against Dean’s shoulder, so quietly he can hardly hear it. “Sorry De.” 

“No, no, sweetheart.” Dean admonishes, his arms just wrapping even tighter around her. It was a little painful because of his ribs, but the pain in his ribs was the least of his worries right now. “You have nothing to be sorry for, baby. You weren’t bad, either. That man was mean, and he had no right to say that to you. You’ve already come so far with speaking, you’re doing absolutely amazing.” 

“No talk.” Meredith whispers, and Dean can feel his heart breaking all over again. He keeps trying to convince her that it’s okay to talk, that it’s okay to fumble, but Meredith just falls silent. Dean’s arms are tight around her, rubbing her back. He can feel tears welling up in his own eyes, which he just quickly pushes back. 

Even though Meredith was now refusing to talk, she was still going to say their names. Those were the few words she knew she could say without screwing up. She’d said them so many times now that she never, ever stuttered. But Meredith also knew that if she ever stuttered when saying them, that would be the end of it. She’d never be able to speak again. “Daddy.” Meredith whimpers, which causes Dean to quickly take her from the nursery to bring her to John’s room. Meredith would get whatever she wanted right then, he would do whatever it would take to make her happy. 

Dean hadn’t even knocked on John’s door before the door was opening. There was a worried look on his face – obviously he could tell there was something wrong with Meredith before Dean had even gotten there. That was just the sort of protective parental instinct he had over the girl. “What’s wrong, sweet girl?” He coos, reaching his arms out.

“Daddy!” Meredith cries, leaning out of Dean’s arms and into John’s. She clings to him like a koala, shoving her face into the side of his neck and starting to sob once more. John’s arms wrap tightly around her, holding her close to him and starting to sway back and forth while he looked at Dean curiously.

“Sammy and her went to a party for the littles and caretakers today and one of the caretakers yelled at her for stuttering.” Dean whispers, looking down sadly. “I tried to convince her that it was okay, and that he was just mean, but now she thinks she’s bad and refuses to talk.” 

John groans. They’d been working so hard to get her to talk, and now that progress had all just disappeared in the matter of a few seconds, because someone decided they wanted to be an asshole to a little girl. He holds Meredith close to him, kissing her forehead repeatedly. “I’m right here, baby.” John reassures, since Meredith keeps whimpering ‘daddy’ quietly and trying to get even closer to him. 

“Thanks, son.” John says quickly, and Dean nods. John decided he was just going to keep Meredith with him for the night. They hadn’t been spending that much time together lately, anyway, and now that she really wanted him, there was no way he was going to let her go. 

John closes the door to his bedroom and takes Meredith in with him, slowly laying down in bed. She never stops clinging to him, putting them in an awkward position for laying down in bed, but he doesn’t really mind. John’s hand starts to skim up and down her back soothingly, continually promising that he’s right there and he’s not going anywhere. 

It takes Meredith quite a while to calm down from sobbing enough to where she can actually start to fall asleep. As soon as she does, John’s fingers instead come up to trail through her blonde hair, continuing to whisper soothing words to her. Only now, he’s starting to whisper about how she isn’t bad, how no one is upset with her, and how it’s okay for her to fumble, just like Dean had been saying. 

Even after Meredith falls asleep, John keeps whispering it over and over until he himself falls asleep. He knows there’s a good chance Meredith’s not going to believe him, but he was hoping that if she heard it while she was sleeping, it would start to sink into her subconscious.

The entire night, Meredith never made a sound – and she never moved out of John’s grip. Every time he would try to move she would just cling tighter to him. It was a long night for the both of them.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANGST. I've been feeling kind of blah today so I decided to write this, and I almost cried while writing it looool. I hope you guys enjoy it!!
> 
> Also if you haven't checked out my other ageplay story yet, Trauma, please do (: 
> 
> Comments & kudos feed the muse! <3

Meredith felt like her world was crashing down around her. When she’d gone to bed that night, everything had been the same – and when she woke up the next morning, everything had changed overnight… literally. 

It had been a few weeks since the incident with Ruby and Luke, and Meredith still hardly uttered a word. She would say their names, but that was it. Once, testing out a theory, Castiel had told her she wasn’t going to get a treat until she said ‘please.’ That had gone terribly wrong, as Meredith just started to cry and crawled away, isolating herself – and then she had never attempted to get a treat again. Castiel felt especially horrible for it, so he’d been giving her lots of extra treats, but it was obvious that the damage had been done. 

There were many times that Meredith could taste the frustration in the air. She hated knowing they were frustrated, because then they could get mad at her, and if they got mad at her, they could hurt her. But at least they were only semi-frustrated with her at this point. She knew that if she were to try to talk again, they would get even more frustrated than they were now, because it would take her a while to think of and form the words she wanted. Meredith didn’t realize that they weren’t frustrated at her, they were frustrated at the situation. They were frustrated that they’d finally been making some progress and some dick had to go and ruin it with a simple sentence, not thinking about how it could have affected her. All she knew was they were mad; when she was with her old caretakers, any time they got mad, it was because of her. 

Normally, in the mornings now, one of them would come either wake her up or come snuggle with her in the rocking chair until she woke herself up. There hadn’t been a day that she’d woken up alone in longer than she could remember… until today. Today, Meredith woke up and there was no one to be seen. She stays silent for a moment, listening intently to all of the voices she could hear out in the living room. She placed each voice as they talked – there was daddy, then Sam, then Castiel, then Dean… and then there was a new voice. A little voice. A voice that sounded kind of like her. And all the men were speaking in tones that they would usually use with her. 

Meredith laid there as long as she could, hoping they were just running late or something, and that was why they hadn’t come to get her yet. But eventually she was hungry and desperately needed to be changed, so she started to cry. This time, though, it wasn’t the gut-wrenching wails like she normally did, it was just a few soft cries with whimpers mixed in between. 

The voices went silent in the living room for a few moments before Sam says quickly, “I got her.” Meredith can hear footsteps coming her way, and a moment later Sam opens the door, a frown on his face. “Hi, sweet girl.” He coos gently. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” 

Sam leans down and scoops Meredith up from her crib, feeling her diaper and realizing it’s wet. “Have you been awake a while, baby girl?” He questions, setting her down on the changing table and getting her changed. He also changes her into a new onesie while he’s at it, leaning down and kissing the tip of her nose. Meredith didn’t respond to any of the questions, just sucking on her pacifier while she waited for Sam to change her. 

Meredith’s stomach was growling, so Sam scooped her back up to bring her back out to the kitchen, so he could feed her. When they passed by the living room, though, Meredith’s head snapped up when she heard that strange voice again, and what she saw broke her heart. 

John was holding another little girl. She had brown hair and blue eyes and was looking up at John like he was the only thing in the room. She was sucking on a pacifier, smiling as John cooed gentle words to her, just like John would do with Meredith. Meredith could see that look in his eyes. She could see it was the same look he normally gave her. And this little girl… she was talking. She was babbling and going on and on, all of them laughing and acting like they understood her. She never stuttered. She was happy. She was smiling. She was more than happy to let John pass her between Dean and Castiel, and she was sure it would be the same way with Sam if Sam wasn’t busy taking care of her. 

They were tired of her. That was the only explanation. They were tired of her brokenness. Tired of her not speaking, and when she did, that she stuttered. Tired of her still being scared to be touched every so often. Tired of her clinginess and wanting to be with one of them at all times. They were tired of Meredith. 

Her world was caving in her around her. Her heart was shattered in pieces on the floor. This was her family. This was the one that was supposed to love her forever. John was the only one who’d constantly proved himself to her – proved that he wanted her when she was at the adoption agency. Sam was the one she had the special connection with and Dean and her were finally so close. And now… now they were all tired of her. 

Meredith just knew this was it for her. She was done. They were going to send her back to the agency and she was never going to have another family again. Or, they were going to keep her here, but they were going to eventually abandon her just like her other caretakers did. They’d slowly stop taking care of her, letting her be on her own more and more, until one day they just stop showing up. 

“That’s Julia!” Sam coos softly when he sees Meredith looking into the living room and staring at the girl who was being passed around between the three males standing in there. “She’s a little girl just like you. Some stuff happened with her parents, so your daddy’s taking her in for a little bit.” 

Even though she was just a toddler, Meredith knew that it wouldn’t be ‘just a little bit.’ John wasn’t that type of person. He knew that this girl was now going to be around forever, and Meredith was going to be replaced. Meredith didn’t have to spend any time with this girl to know that she was a much better version of Meredith herself, so obviously they would want Julia more than they wanted her. 

Meredith stilled in Sam’s arms and went completely silent. Maybe if she was a perfect little girl, maybe if she never made any sounds and was never fussy, then they would keep her too. Maybe if she never cried and never irritated them by trying to talk, they wouldn’t abandon her. It was in that moment that Meredith vowed she would be perfect. 

While Sam brought her into the kitchen to feed her, John was speaking to Castiel, who had only gotten there a few minutes prior. “Yeah, they didn’t really give me any details, just said that she needed a place to stay for a while. I figured why not, you know? We’ve already had so much practice with Mer that I figured it would be easy enough to take care of her, and they told me it was probably only going to be a week or two. At least this way she stays out of a shelter and we know she’ll be getting the proper care she needs.” 

Castiel nodded his head in agreement. “It’s great of you to take her in, John.” He says quietly. “Just… be careful of what you say or do around Meredith.” When John looks up at him with confusion, Castiel sighs. “I don’t know how she’s going to take it that you have another little girl here. Just be warned that she might not be the happiest camper.” 

“Ah, she’ll be fine.” John says confidently. “Remember, they went to that party for littles? Even though that asshole had to go and ruin it, she still had fun with the other littles before that happened. Sam said she’d made friends with a little girl named Ruby almost immediately. I’m sure they’ll be two peas in a pod in no time.” 

Castiel still wasn’t so sure, but he didn’t want to burst John’s bubble, so he just nodded his head. They could always at least hope, if nothing else. Castiel only hoped it wasn’t going to end up doing more damage to Meredith than it was good for Julia. 

That had been a few days ago now, and Meredith was sicker than a dog. She was sweating, her stomach was churning, she was alternating between hot and cold, she wanted to puke, (and had even puked on her onesie a little bit), and she just so desperately wanted her daddy. 

Sam, Dean, and Castiel were all in the kitchen, either working on something or talking to each other. John, Julia, and Meredith were all in the living room, and Julia was crying, so John was tending to her. Meredith didn’t know why she was crying, but John kept mentioning something about her being fussy, so she figured even Julia probably didn’t even know why she was crying. 

It had now been four days since Meredith had uttered a single word. It didn’t really seem to be helping, but at least they hadn’t abandoned her yet. She had been planning to just keep it that way, to not say a single word ever again, but with how sick she felt, her resolve was cracking. But Meredith was going to take a leap of faith; she waited for a break in Julia’s crying, finally whispering meekly, “Daddy…” 

“Not now Mer, daddy’s busy.” John tells her in a gentle tone, but immediately it has Meredith regretting she’d ever opened her mouth in the first place. She was right. He was tired of her. They were all tired of her. 

Meredith just closed her mouth, her eyes filling with tears, but she didn’t make another sound. Instead, she rolled over onto her side, feeling herself wanting to vomit, and instead trying to swallow it back down. Because she was regressed to a toddler stage, Meredith could at least crawl. She used this to her advantage, crawling into the other room. She doesn’t have enough balance to where she can puke in the toilet like she’d seen Sam doing when he got sick once before, so instead she finds the laundry closet. There’s a hard wood floor in there, so she figured this would probably be one of the best places to do it if she has to. 

Tears start to slowly leak down Meredith’s cheeks as she ends up throwing up in the corner of the laundry closet. Her throat burns, her chest is heaving, and she still feels so sick she doesn’t know what to do with herself. Meredith still desperately wants John. Her daddy was always the one who could make her feel better. But now her daddy didn’t want her any more. 

Sam and Dean had both noticed there was something off with Meredith. They’d noticed how she hadn’t been making any noises at all, and hadn’t even been saying their names like she had been before. John hadn’t really had time to notice, since he was spending so much time with Julia, but the brothers were getting concerned. They didn’t know if this had to do with Julia, if she was still upset about what Luke had said, or if there was something else altogether. 

Dean went into the living room, leaving Castiel and Sam alone in the kitchen. He gives a sad smile when he sees John trying to comfort Julia, but his eyebrows furrow with worry when he doesn’t see Meredith anywhere. “Dad? Where’s Mer?” He questions, looking back to his father.

“What? She’s on the floor.” John answers, looking down to where Meredith had just been. He then furrows his eyebrows in confusion, quickly looking around. “Ah, shit. I don’t know. She was just here a second ago, though.” He says worriedly.

Dean raises his hand to his father. “Don’t worry, she can’t have gone far. I got her. You just try to calm her down.” John nods gratefully to Dean, who goes into the hallway. He can hear her crawling around, so Dean knows at least she’s okay. “Mer?” He calls softly, seeing her crawling back by the laundry closet. She had managed to scoot the door shut, so Dean didn’t know she’d just been in there. “Hey there, silly girl. What are you doing?” Dean asks in a soft tone, scooping Meredith up in his arms.

“Oh, you’re sweating.” Dean murmurs, then notices there’s something all over the front of her onesie. “What do you have on you…?” He questions, raising an eyebrow as he glances over at it. “Ah, well. Let’s go get you changed and get a cool washcloth, how’s that sound?” Dean goes into the bathroom and gets a washcloth wet with cool water, then brings Meredith into her nursery. He gets her out of the onesie and starts to wipe down her face, neck, and shoulders, frowning when she doesn’t make any contented squeaks like she normally does when he does this. 

It takes Dean a few moments to realize that Meredith’s running a fever, and that must have been vomit on the front of her onesie. “Oh, sweetheart.” Dean murmurs, smoothing some hair back from her forehead. “You’re feeling pretty icky, huh?” He asks soothingly, scooping her up and going into the bathroom so he can get her some medicine. “Open up, sweet pea.” 

Dean figured she was going to protest it, since she always did whenever they tried to give her medicine. To his surprise, she obediently opened her mouth, looking away from his eyes. Dean frowns, dropping the medicine in her mouth, sighing when Meredith swallows it down and doesn’t even release a whine. “What’s going on with you, sweet girl?” He asks tenderly, brushing his thumb along her cheek. “Are you just feeling icky or is there something else going on in that little head of yours, hmm?” 

Another couples of days later, Meredith still wasn’t feeling good. She was currently sitting in the living room on the floor by herself, absentmindedly looking at the tv screen that was playing some cartoon. Julia had tried playing with her for a while, but as soon as John had come back in the room, Julia was all over him. John hadn’t even touched Meredith since the night before Julia came into their lives. 

“Dude, we have a problem.” Dean mumbles quietly to Sam while they stand in the kitchen together. “Something’s up with Meredith.”

“Yeah, I know something’s up with Meredith, Dean.” Sam reminds him quietly. “We’ve had this conversation. I just don’t know what’s up with her, and if I don’t know what’s up with her, then I can’t exactly help her.”

“No, I know we’ve had this conversation, but something’s really wrong. You know how she’s been sick these past couple days? When dad lost track of her, I found her in the hallway and there was something all over her onesie. It was her puke. She’d puked and not one of us knew she was even sick. Then today, I went to the laundry closet and found there was dried puke in there. Sam, she didn’t even tell us she was puking… she didn’t try getting our attention or anything. She just found a place she could puke where she figured we wouldn’t find it.” Dean glances into the living room where Julia is snuggled up with John. “I think she’s upset about Julia being here.”

Sam’s frown starts to deepen and keeps getting bigger the entire time Dean is talking. He hadn’t realized it was that serious. Of course, they’d noticed she wasn’t really talking, but not giving any indication of being sick, or throwing up? It was like she was the girl they’d first brought home, who gave no indication of any of her needs. “Well, they said it’d be a week or two, and today makes a week…” Sam says. “Maybe something will happen today. But we need to talk to dad.” 

There was a knock on the door, so Dean went to go get it. There was a large group of people there, none of whom who he recognized. Dean protectively closes the door a little bit, raising an eyebrow. “Can I help you?” 

A redhead first speaks up. “Hi, I’m Anna from the Springkeep Adoption Agency. We’re the agency that called John to have him take in Julia for a week or two. Well, we’re here with Julia’s parents and their lawyer, and they’re ready for Julia to come home now.” Anna smiles happily. It hadn’t been a bad situation that Julia was in, there was just some things going on with her parents that they needed to address before she could come back home. 

Hannah then speaks up. “I’m Hannah, also from the agency. I was Meredith’s primary caretaker while she was there, so when I heard Anna was coming over here, I decided I would come see how she’s doing.” 

By this time, John is at the door, holding Julia. “Let them in, Dean.” He says, so Dean nods and steps back, opening the door for them. “Hi Anna, Hannah.” John greets as they stroll through the door, then Julia is squealing because she sees her parents, yelling for them and trying to wiggle her way out of John’s arms.

John laughs softly, quickly handing Julia over to her father. He was glad she was going back there. Even though he enjoyed having Julia around, it was obvious that Julia missed her family, and she belonged there with them. 

Everyone was standing in the entryway of John’s house, all talking and laughing. Meredith had crawled up into the entryway and was sitting there silently, as per usual, and her eyes had filled with tears, which eventually started streaming over. She had her pacifier and one teddy bear gripped tightly in her hand. 

Eventually, Julia’s parents left, after profusely thanking John for taking care of her while they got things all settled. Once there were a few less people in the entryway, Meredith slowly crawled toward Hannah, sitting down nestled right up against Hannah’s leg. Hannah smiles as she leans down, up until she sees Meredith’s crying. “Hey kiddo, what’s wrong?” Hannah asks in concern, reaching a hand out so she can wipe the tears streaming down her cheeks. Immediately, Hannah could tell she had a fever, just from how warm her skin was to the touch.

Meredith figured that the reason Hannah and Anna were both there was because they were going to take her back to Springkeep. This was the end of it. She hadn’t succeeded in being a perfect little girl, so John was going to get rid of her. For the first time in over a week, Meredith finally spoke, because she knew there was no other way to convey what she wanted to convey to Hannah. “Go with you?” She asks quietly.

As soon as Meredith speaks, and they hear what she’s saying, everyone falls silent. John’s eyes are wide in confusion and sadness, not knowing what the heck Meredith was talking about, or why she would want to go with Hannah. There’s absolute silence for a few moments before Hannah finally speaks up. “Why would you go with me, sweetheart?” She asks softly.

This was the first actual sentence Meredith had ever spoken without stuttering. Most of the time she wouldn’t be able to do it, but she had thought this sentence so many times in the past week, it was almost on repeat in her head, so she knew exactly what she was saying. “Daddy doesn’t want me anymore.” 

Right away, John’s heart shattered for many reasons. First, because Meredith thought he didn’t want her anymore. Second, because of how sad and pitiful she looked and how hard she was crying. Third, because those were the first words he’d heard her say in over a week; and fourth, because that was the first full sentence she’d actually managed to string together without stuttering on a single word. 

“What? Of course, I still want you, baby.” John whispers, and his own tears are starting to fall down his cheeks as well. He knew he’d been a little busy with Julia being there, but John had been so busy with her that he hadn’t realized he hadn’t had any time for Meredith at all during the entire week Julia was there. “Why do you think I don’t want you?”

“Daddy’s too busy for Mer.” Meredith whimpers, and it’s with horror that John realizes just how many times he’d said that to Meredith over the course of the last seven days. It’s with horror that he realizes every single time Meredith had wanted anything from him over the past week, that was what he’d said. “’M not good. Not perfect. Julia’s perfect.” All of the words take her a while to get out, and with each passing word, John’s heart is breaking more and more.

That was why she hadn’t been speaking at all. That was why she hadn’t been crying. John had heard the boys saying she was sick, but John hadn’t noticed anything at all. She was trying to be perfect. No toddler should know what that feels like. That shouldn’t be any toddler’s goal. “I am the worst father in the world.” John whispers, feeling his heart sinking in his chest. He didn’t even deserve to be Meredith’s father. Not if he had treated her like this. “Baby girl, I am so, so sorry.” John practically whimpers pitifully, lunging down to the floor so he can cradle Meredith to his chest, hugging her tightly. “I was so busy with Julia, I didn’t even realize I was neglecting you. God, I am the worst. I am so, so sorry Meredith. Please forgive me.” 

John had never heard Meredith talking so much, and he prayed he would never, ever hear it like this again. As soon as he’d scooped her up in his arms, she was babbling, profusely apologizing for not being perfect and pleading for John not to leave her. She kept stuttering, which only made her cry harder and apologize more profusely for not being perfect, and she was getting herself into a cycle. John knew he needed to break it before it was too late – but he couldn’t hush her, because he knew if he hushed her, she would take it as he didn’t want her to talk anymore. 

“Daddy’s right here, princess.” John whispers soothingly into her ear, holding her as tight as he possibly can to his chest. “Daddy’s right here and I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’m never, ever going to leave you. And you are perfect, doll. You’re the most perfect little girl I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I love you, so much. The only one who isn’t perfect here is me. The only one who should be apologizing is me. This is all my fault, I am so sorry.” 

Meredith’s mouth is wide open as she sobs, but at least she’s stopped trying to apologize and therefore stuttering. She can hardly catch her breath as she pushes her face into John’s chest, sobbing into his t-shirt, and John is almost crying as hard as she is because he feels so damn guilty. 

“Can all of you give us some privacy?” John asks his sons, Castiel, and the girls from Springkeep. They nod, so John quickly disappears up the stairs with Meredith still cradled in his arms in a protective way. He never wanted to let her go. 

From when Sam and Dean were babies, John knew that skin to skin contact was important for babies. It helped build connections with their parents, especially their father, it was good for their health, and it could help calm them. He doesn’t know why he suddenly thought of this, but he figured trying it out certainly couldn’t hurt. 

John lays Meredith down on the bed, cooing soothingly to her through his own desperation while he practically rips his shirt off. Meredith is sobbing, and her hands are opening and closing like she’s trying to grab John – but she’s still not actually reaching for him, like she knows if she does, she won’t be perfect. Meredith continues crying about not being perfect, repeatedly mumbling the words over and over again. She knows that while she’s crying, she’s certainly not perfect, but it was like once the gate had opened, it was flooding, and she couldn’t stop it. 

“I’ve got you, princess.” John croons repeatedly, promising her that she is perfect, and everything’s okay. He quickly gets her out of her onesie so she’s only in her diaper, before climbing into bed and pulling her on top of him. “Daddy’s right here. You’re okay. I’ve got you.” 

“Daddy, daddy, daddy…” Meredith cries into his chest, clinging to his shirt. She had missed him so much over this past week, and she still felt like shit. She was still running a fever and felt extremely sick. 

“Daddy’s right here, baby girl.” John promises her over and over, starting to rock her side to side as best he could from how he was laying on the bed. “I’ve got you. I’m right here. You’re okay. I’m not going anywhere.” He kept repeating variations of those over and over, hoping they would start to soothe her.

Eventually, Meredith’s sobs died down to cries, then whimpers. John never stopped talking, never removed his arms from around her, never stopped rubbing her back. “You’re staying with me tonight, baby.” John whispers, kissing the top of her head. “And as many nights as you want to. I’m not letting go of you, okay? You and I are going to spend as much time together as you want.” John didn’t care if that meant he couldn’t shower for a week. He didn’t care if that meant he never got any alone time ever again. As long as he was there for his little girl, as long as Meredith knew that he still wanted her. “I love you, baby. I love you, sweet girl. You’re okay. Get some sleep.” 

When John tells her to get some sleep, Meredith whimpers, clutching tighter onto his shirt. “I’m not going anywhere.” John promises. “Not ever until you want me to. I won’t even get up to use the bathroom. I’m going to be right here the entire night.” 

John keeps whispering those promises to her until Meredith finally is too exhausted from her crying and being sick, and eventually falls fast asleep. Even as she’s sleeping, she still has a tight fist clenched in John’s shirt. John knew he wouldn’t be sleeping at all that night, so instead he flicked the light on and grabbed a book. John starts to absentmindedly read it, mostly focusing on whispering to her every few seconds, promising he wasn’t going anywhere ever again. And between every other sentence, John was telling Meredith just how much he loved her. How he was never going to let her go, ever again.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who finally got her shit together and got a little bit of time to write!! I wrote this instead of paying attention in class, whoops. But I finally got another part done. I hope you guys like it. There's lots and lots of fluff in here, and there's some more Sam/Cas action. <3 
> 
> Comments and kudos feed the muse!! Also, I need some ideas, so hit me up with things you wanna see!

“I’ve got you. I’ve got you, baby.” John starts to bounce Meredith up and down, wincing as she continues to wail in his ear. Because of mostly spending the entire week by herself, now that she was getting attention – and it was attention from the person she had wanted it the most from, it was overwhelming. It was overwhelming in a good way, but Meredith didn’t know how to control her emotions like that. She just knew she was overwhelmed – so she cried. 

It was early afternoon the day after John had taken her to bed with him for the first time in over a week. That morning she’d woken up early and had started crying, and she hadn’t stopped crying since. At one point, John had accidentally shushed her, which had resulted in a strangled whimper falling from her lips. John had immediately reassured her that he didn’t mean it, that she was free to make as much sound as she want. 

There had been about an hour where Meredith had been silent, except for strangled whimpers that kept escaping. That just sent her into even more of a downward spiral because she needed to be quiet, but she couldn’t help the whimpers. The entire hour, John had told her it was okay, that she could make as much noise as she wanted. She continued to refuse, up until something creaking in the house scared her; then she started to sob, and since then, she had not stopped.

John still felt terrible for how he’d treated her the past week. Of course, he wished that she would calm down and stop crying, but he knew he needed to take care of this. It was his fault, after all, that she was so sad and overwhelmed. For so long he’d been getting her used to getting love, and getting attention, and then for an entire week he had just ripped it all away from her. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.” John whispers, placing his hand on the back of her head to cradle her head to his shoulder. “I’m right here. Daddy’s right here.” 

“Daddy…” Meredith whimpered pitifully, her voice muffled by his shoulder. She was clinging to his shirt tightly, and both of John’s shoulders had already been soaked thoroughly by her tears. He swayed her back and forth, holding her tightly to his chest. 

“I know, princess. Daddy was so awful this week.” He whispers quietly, nuzzling his nose against the side of her head. “That’s never going to happen again, I promise. I won’t take in anyone else. You’re my sweet little girl, isn’t that right?” John coos to her, letting his lips linger on her forehead when she slowly looks up to look at him, nodding desperately to being his little girl. “Yes, that’s right. You’re my little girl. My sweet, sweet, precious girl. I’m never letting go of you.” 

Even though it had taken over eight hours, Meredith’s tears finally started to slow. She sniffled and wiped her nose on John’s shoulder. Normally, he would have reprimanded her, but he didn’t have the heart. John was afraid to do anything that could set her off. He knew that in a couple days he would have to get back to actually being a parental figure, but that wasn’t what Meredith needed right now. No, right now Meredith needed someone who would hold and comfort her and reassure her that she was loved, and they weren’t going to leave her. 

“There you go. Good girl.” John whispers, pressing a gentle kiss to the side of her head and allowing his lips to linger there again. “You’re such a good girl. I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of you for speaking up when Anna and Hannah were here. I’m so proud of you for giving me a second chance. I’m so proud of you for trying to do what you thought was best, even though it was hurting you. I’m so proud of you for everything, baby girl.” 

A few minutes after Meredith stopped crying, Dean poked his head in, smiling sadly when he saw just how miserable Meredith still looked. Her face was red and raw from her tears, her nose still dripping. Her nose was also raw from how many times John had tried to wipe it throughout the day, and she just all around looked miserable. At least she wasn’t sobbing her heart out anymore, though. It had been heart wrenching to hear for both him and Sam, knowing that they had been part of the problem, too. Although they had been there for Meredith more than John had been over the past week, they’d been mostly focused on Julia as well. There were a couple times Dean had wanted to go upstairs, but Sam had forced him not to – telling him to give Meredith and John some alone time so they could bond again. 

“Look at that beautiful girl.” Dean states once he’s inside, smiling up at his father, who looks exhausted and guilty. Dean felt bad, but he knew it would be best to act cheerful around Meredith, rather than being sad and somehow making her feel bad. This was their fault. Meredith shouldn’t have to suffer anymore because of them. “Hi, precious.” He coos as he comes up to Meredith, gently tucking a piece of hair back behind her ear. 

“De.” Meredith whispers pitifully, sticking her thumb in her mouth. Dean starts to mess with her hair, since it’s strewn about and sticking to her forehead because of her sweating. She leans into the touch a little bit, her free hand still clinging to John’s shirt with all her strength.

Dean smiles gently at her again. “You want to come to De for a little bit? How about you come downstairs with me and Sammy? We missed you this week, too, you know.” Dean doesn’t know how she’s going to take the suggestion, but he hoped it would work – he could tell John was starting to need some time alone. One couldn’t blame him, either, because a constantly crying kid was no joke. 

Meredith whimpers and clutches onto John’s shirt even tighter, so tightly her knuckles are starting to turn white from the tension. John soothes her, telling her he’s not going anywhere unless she wants him to. He takes one hand out from underneath her to rest his hand on top of hers clenched in his shirt, stroking his thumb over her whitened knuckles. 

She was torn. On one hand, she wanted to stay with John and make sure he didn’t leave her. She knew all of that day and the day before that she must have been annoying with all of her crying. But at the same time, she had really missed Sam and Dean’s constant attentions for the past week as well. It was a double-edged sword, and she was afraid to choose the wrong one; afraid that the sword would come and cut her in half. 

Finally, Meredith slowly nods her head to Dean’s words and leans toward him. John was utterly surprised that she agreed to it, but he was more than happy to get a little bit of alone time, so he could calm himself down as well. The entire night and day, his stomach had been churning with guilt, going over every second of the past week and realizing just how many times he’d neglected his little girl. Meredith had already suffered so much, and he had promised not to add to it – then he’d done just that. 

Dean was surprised as well, but he quickly steps forward and scoops Meredith into his arms. Dean steadies himself for a second, because he still wasn’t 100% back to how he was before the accident, but he was almost as strong as he had been before. Soon, Dean was going to have to go back to work just like Sam had been doing recently – but he was waiting until this whole mess sorted itself out first. “C’mere, gorgeous.” Dean murmurs, holding her close to his chest. 

He sends his dad a nod, who tiredly nods in response before sitting down on the bed. Dean carries Meredith out of the room, her head resting on his shoulder and thumb still tucked securely in her mouth. With everything that had been going on lately, and especially with Sam starting to be gone more due to going back to the accounting firm, the pair hadn’t gotten to share their special bond lately. Dean was hoping that maybe the two of them spending some time together today could change that; he was also hoping that if they got to share their special bond, it would help cheer her up and calm her down some. 

Sam was still sitting on the couch in the living room when he heard the footsteps coming down the stairs slowly. He had a feeling Dean might have Meredith with him, based on how slowly he was moving down the stairs, but he wouldn’t believe it until he saw it. As soon as he did see it, a wide grin broke out on his face. “Theeeere’s my favorite girl.” Sam practically coos, sitting up straighter on the couch.

Meredith’s eyes suddenly opened wide when she heard Sam’s voice, sitting up in Dean’s arms and pulling her head off his shoulder. She looks around for Sam, a small smile blooming on her face when she sees him. “Favorite?” She questions around her thumb, in the smallest voice possible.

Sam can feel his heart clenching when she asks that – before she would have known that right away. Before, she wouldn’t have questioned it. Now it was up to the three of them to get her back to where she was before. “Of course, sweet girl. You want to come to Sammy?” He and Dean had already discussed the plan of Sam trying to get her to cheer up a little bit. 

Meredith nods her head almost desperately, then realizes that she could be upsetting Dean. She had specifically gone downstairs to be with Dean, and now she was just trying to leave him. Meredith whimpers quietly, looking back up at Dean. Dean just smiles at her and kisses her forehead. “It’s okay, baby. You can go to Sammy. It’s okay, I promise.” 

Sam waits expectantly with his arms outstretched. Meredith waits until Dean reassures her a couple more times before releasing a quiet cry and leaning toward Sam. The taller Winchester picks her right up out of Dean’s arms and cradles her to his chest, cooing quietly to her. “Hi, you.” He whispers, pressing his forehead against hers and letting his eyes close.

The first time the two of them had bonded so well, Meredith had been playing with his hair when Sam rested their foreheads together. He’d made sure to close his eyes, because Meredith still wasn’t good with eye contact. He was hoping that by starting out doing this that he would be able to ease them back into their special bond once more. 

Much to his delight, Meredith’s body almost immediately starts to relax in his grip. When she had been handed over to him, she had been tense, just like he was assuming she had been for most of the day and night. But finally, she was starting to relax a little bit, which was mostly all Sam had hoped for. Meredith’s own eyes fall shut, a quiet sound falling from her lips while Sam starts to rub her back. “I’ve got you, precious.” He whispers, leaning forward just a little bit so he can kiss the tip of her nose. 

Dean is watching the entire exchange with a soft smile, going to sit down on the couch. After a moment Sam sits down on the couch next to him, making sure Meredith is all comfortably gathered up in his arms. She wraps her legs around his waist and puts her chin on his shoulder, clinging to him like a koala. It was like she was completely content to just sit there with him, even though there was nothing that was entertaining her. Sam knew she had to be exhausted from all the crying she’d been doing, though – especially since she hadn’t gotten in a nap that day and it was getting to be late afternoon. 

Upstairs, John was still sitting on the bed, slumped over. He felt absolutely terrible. He knew Meredith wasn’t trying to make him feel bad. She was just overwhelmed and upset, and she didn’t know how to handle her emotions. But at the same time, it still sucked. He hated knowing he had upset her that much when he had only been trying to do a good thing for Julia. John felt like a terrible father. There was a part of him wondering if he should have signed up for this in the first place. 

There was a knock on the door a while later, and John still hadn’t moved a muscle. He slowly raises his head up, telling whoever it was to come in. John certainly wasn’t expecting to see Castiel – little did he know, Sam had texted him and asked him to come over, since he figured John was having a hard time dealing with the entire situation. “Hey, Castiel.” John says quietly, looking back down at his lap. 

Castiel steps into the room, noting how stuffy it seemed in there. Obviously, the two of them had been cooped up in there for most of the day. The air was thick and tense, tinged with bitterness. “Hello, John.” He says levelly, stepping toward the bed a couple more steps. “May I sit?” 

John raises his hand up in a defeated gesture, basically telling Castiel to go ahead without saying anything. He knows he should be acting better than this. He should be acting like he’s fine and going downstairs to be with Meredith and acting like everything is good. But he’s so tired, and he feels so bad, and he can’t. 

“I heard the last night and most of the day today was rough on you and Meredith.” Castiel says quietly. Castiel knew he wasn’t a therapist. He wasn’t trained to do anything like this. But he truly cared about the entire family, not just because he was practically dating Sam now. After John nods his head, Castiel stays silent for a moment. “Would you like to talk about it?” 

Shaking his head, John sighs. “There’s not really anything to talk about.” He says quietly. “I screwed up, Castiel. I screwed up so badly. You even warned me about it and I didn’t listen to you. I neglected her for the entire week, and now she’s struggling because of it. I screwed up worse with her than I did with Sam and Dean, and I certainly wasn’t a perfect father to them after Mary passed away. I’m just wondering if I even did the right thing by taking her in.” 

Castiel was listening silently up until the last part, when his eyebrow quirks up. “Wondering if you did the right thing by taking her in? John, she was abused and abandoned by her caretakers. They dropped her on purpose. They did drugs around her, up until they overdosed. She refused to make any noise when she came here. Now, even though this entire ordeal happened, Meredith was just sobbing the entire day, right?” He waits until John nods. “I know that’s a terrible thing, but John, she was making noise! She was comfortable enough around you to cry her heart out because of how awful she was feeling. She wasn’t crying because you had abused her, or because you hurt her somehow – she was crying because she didn’t want to be away from you anymore. It’s a terrible, heart wrenching thing, John. But she loves you. You’ve showed her what it's like to be loved. In my opinion, you’ve certainly done the right thing by taking her in.” 

John was still staring at his lap for most of Castiel’s speech, up until Castiel started talking about Meredith loving him, and how he had showed her what it was like to be loved. “You really think so?” John asks quietly, giving Castiel a small smile. 

“Of course, I think so. She loves you. You’ve showed her what it’s like to be loved in the short months she’s been here, more than she’s ever been showed in her entire regressed life, which is all she remembers. No parent is perfect. You were just doing what you thought was best for Julia. It wasn’t the best decision in the world, sure. But every parent makes mistakes, John, just like you did with Sam and Dean. She just happens to be a little more fragile than your boys.” Castiel places his hand on John’s back. “I know this is hard on you. I know it’s hard being constantly reminded of what you did because of her crying. Just try not to blame her, okay? She doesn’t know how to control her emotions.” 

John nods his head quickly. “No, no. I know. I’m not blaming her for it. You’re right, though. It does suck. I’d like to just forget about it, but I know I can’t do that. I screwed up and now I have to face the consequences for it. But… thank you.” 

Castiel smiles over at him. “See? You are a good parent, John. You understand that actions have consequences, and that you must face them. For now, I think you should just try to take some time for yourself. Maybe get a long shower in or something, since the boys are handling her. It’s very stressful on the brain to have a crying child the entire day.” 

John exhales heavily, nodding his head. “Yeah. My brain feels fried and I haven’t hardly done anything all day.” He chuckles quietly toward the doctor, standing up and stretching out his back. “Thank you again, Castiel. I don’t know what I would have done without that talk.” 

“You’re welcome, John.” Castiel smiles and pats him on the back once before standing up from the bed. “I’m going to go see how the three of them are doing.” He figured he may as well give Meredith a checkup while he was here, since she had been sick quite a bit over the past week. He also, of course, wanted to give John some alone time, because soon enough he would be back with his family again. 

As Castiel came down the stairs, Sam and Dean’s heads poked up when they heard the shower running upstairs. They then see Castiel and Sam gives him a little smile. “Thank you.” He says quietly, glad that Castiel had been able to help his father out some. If either Sam or Dean would have tried, John would have refused to talk to them. He would have just said he was fine and he didn’t need any help, when that was obviously bullshit. 

Castiel nods his head, kneeling next to the couch and placing his hand on Meredith’s back, where she was still tucked into his chest. “Hey, sweetheart.” Castiel coos quietly, smiling when she slowly picks her head up to look at him. He brushes his thumb over her cheek gently, noting that she didn’t feel any warmer than she usually did, so that was good. “Is it okay if I look you over, honey?” 

Meredith whined around her thumb, trying to push herself closer to Sam, even though that was basically impossible at this point, since she was already pressed against his chest. She had already been hesitant to leave John and go with Sam and Dean, but now she really didn’t want to leave Sam. Not after he’d finally been able to calm her down and give her some peace. 

Sam gives her a soft smile, kissing her forehead. “Here, sweetheart. Why don’t I come with you while Castiel checks you over, hmm?” He hums to her, rubbing his hand over her back to try and soothe her. “I won’t leave, I promise.” 

Meredith whines again quietly, but slowly nods her head. She presses closer to Sam again, who scoops her up and carries her upstairs into her nursery, figuring it would be the easiest place for Castiel to check her over. He sets her down on the changing table, keeping one hand on her back to keep her calm. 

Castiel starts to check her over, calmly as usual. He grabs his stethoscope to listen to her heart and lungs, making sure everything sounds good there, which it does. He takes her pulse, feels her glands in her neck, and everything is going smoothly, up until he tries to take her temperature. It’s something he’s done more times than he can count, especially to her because of her being sick, but she just refused. Castiel kept trying to coax her into it, and so did Sam, but she kept refusing, up until she was crying loudly.

John was just getting out of the shower when he heard Meredith crying, from what sounded like the nursery. He closes his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. It was amazing, how even though he had heard the same cries the entire day, he immediately went into protective father mode and wanted to know what was hurting his little girl. John places on a pair of boxers and sweatpants before quickly heading into the nursery, a firm expression on his face, one that showed no one was to mess with his little girl. “What’s going on here?” 

Before either Sam or Castiel could respond, Meredith was whimpering, “Daddy!” Immediately, John’s heart is swelling. He knew that Castiel was right. Meredith did still love him, and Meredith knew that he loved her. Even though he had screwed things up, he didn’t screw everything up between them. 

“Come here, precious.” John coos. He knows that he probably should be the stern father figure that makes her settle down long enough for Castiel to do whatever he’d been wanting to do, but right then he was still trying to get Meredith back on his good side. He scoops her up off the changing table; he can’t help the way his heart is melting when she immediately snuggles into his chest. When Meredith starts to suck on her thumb, John grabs a pacifier from one of the drawers in the changing table, instead slipping that into her mouth. Meredith starts to suck on it almost immediately, and John looks back up to Sam and Castiel. “What’s happening?” 

Castiel gives a soft smile. It was nice seeing Meredith wanting to go back to John after all of this, even if it meant he had to be the bad guy because of it. As a doctor, Castiel was used to being the bad guy. Sometimes it sucked, especially when he was so fond of the patient as he was of Meredith, but it was a part of the job. “I was just trying to take her temperature. But she seems to be in good health now, so whatever was making her sick is obviously gone. And she obviously still loves you.” Castiel points out with another little smile, which causes John to smile as well. 

Meredith tilts her head back, so she can look up at John, his heart melting again when he sees how innocent she looks with the pacifier back in her mouth, like where it always should have been. He then kisses the tip of her nose, which causes Meredith to make a small noise. 

Castiel watches the two of them fondly, before stepping out of the nursery, motioning for Sam to follow him. “I’m going to head out for the night, John. If I were you, I’d try spending a little bit of time together, all four of you. But of course, it’s up to you. Have a good night.” 

“You too, Castiel. Thank you, again.” John says, turning so he can watch Castiel leave. Sam follows him out, then John turns back to change Meredith, since he felt her diaper was getting full. She hadn’t gone for most of the day, or if she had, John hadn’t noticed because he’d been so focused on the crying, but now he was finally getting the chance to change her.

Castiel and Sam shut the door to the nursery, stepping toward where Sam’s guest bedroom was located. “Thank you for coming over.” Sam says quietly, reaching down so he could take Castiel’s hand in his.

Castiel’s thumb starts to stroke over the back of Sam’s hand, and he smiles at him. “Of course. You know you can always let me know if any of your family members are having trouble. Or, if you’re having trouble.” He teases, which causes Sam to smile. “Because I’m an amazing boyfriend, and I want to be able to help you as much as I possibly can.” 

Sam can feel his cheeks flushing a dark red, but he’s grinning right back at Castiel. “Boyfriend, huh?” He challenges, since they had never officially had the talk before. “Who said I wanted you to be my boyfriend?” 

Rolling his eyes, Castiel leans forward to press his lips to Sam’s gently. Sam relaxed almost immediately, making Castiel grin teasingly once more. “I think your body tells you that you want me to be your boyfriend whenever I touch you.” He squeezes Sam’s hand, and Sam groans.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Just kiss me again.” Sam answers, and Castiel happily obliges, leaning forward to capture Sam’s lips in a gentle kiss once more. They hadn’t been seeing much of each other lately – with Sam going back to the accounting firm and Castiel’s patient list seemingly ever growing, it had been hard to find any time for the two of them to be alone together. But they were making it through, and it made those private times that much more special. 

“You want to stay the night?” Sam asks quietly, knowing that it was definitely forward. He wasn’t asking because he wanted sex, or anything of the sort – he was just asking because he missed Castiel with the lack of time they’d been spending together. Now that things were finally calming down at the house, it seemed like it could be a good night for the two of them to spend together, even though they both had work in the morning. 

“Of course.” Castiel answers in a murmured tone, kissing Sam once more. “I’ve been keeping an extra set of clothing in my car just in case anything were to happen at work, or to happen here… so I’m set for work tomorrow morning, as well, as long as I can use your shower.”

“I don’t know… but you are already pretty stinky, so I think that can be arranged.” Sam laughs as Castiel gasps in mock resignation, placing his hand over his chest. “Yeah, of course.” 

Sam leans forward to kiss Castiel once more, only to be met with a loud groan from down the hallway a little bit. “The love birds!” Dean gasps dramatically, leaning back against the wall like he’d just been knocked over. “My eyes!” 

The pair roll their eyes when Dean makes his dramatic entrance, but they’re both grinning. John then appears out of the nursery to see what the commotion is, but they all quickly stop the shenanigans, grinning sheepishly at him. 

“Snuggle?” Meredith suddenly speaks up sleepily from in John’s arms. At first they were wondering who she was talking to, but then they realized she was talking to all of them. All of them looked at each other, and although they knew it could be a little awkward and tight, how were they supposed to deny that to Meredith when she asked it so innocently and she’d been having such a rough time lately?

“Alright, alright.” The four of them agree, and they all pile into John’s bed. It’s quite a tight fit, with John next to Meredith on the left and Dean behind him, then Sam on the right side of Meredith and Castiel behind him. The bed certainly wasn’t made for that amount of people, but soon enough, they all managed to at least fall into a light sleep. Meredith, on the other hand, fell into a deep sleep and stayed asleep for the remainder of the night.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, originally I had some cute plans for this chapter and then my muse went the other way and it's hella angsty. Trigger warning for seizures and medical stuff, but I'm pretty sure you guys have liked that in my stories, so.
> 
> Also, it's been FOREVER and I apologize for that! Work has been crazy, I had a summer class, and my muse has just been pretty low for writing. I'm hoping this is okay and that I don't disappoint after being gone for so long.
> 
> I love you all, comments & kudos would mean the world to me. <3

It was a week later, and everyone was getting worried about Meredith. It seemed like she was taking steps farther and farther back, instead of taking steps forward, like she had been. Meredith refused to talk. She hadn’t even said any of their names in the past week. So far, she was at least still whimpering when something was wrong, but that was about the extent of it. The three of them were having to listen to the baby monitor very carefully when they put her down for a nap or at night in case she woke up, but they weren’t trying to force her into doing anything she wasn’t comfortable with.

Sam, John and Dean were all sitting in the kitchen when Sam suddenly glanced up at the clock and realized it was getting to be about 10:00. He frowns, looking to John. “Has she ever slept this late before?” He questions, a sense of dread filling his stomach when John answers that she hasn’t.

“Fuck.” Sam mutters, realizing what was happening. She had stopped talking, and now she’d stopped making her needs known. She’d been in there all morning, waiting for one of them to come get her – and they’d been waiting for her to make a sound, and had lost track of time. Sam quickly goes up the stairs to the nursery, practically throwing open the door; heart breaking at the sight of Meredith laying there.

She was practically sobbing, and Sam didn’t understand how she was able to be that quiet. It seemed like they would have at least heard something on the baby monitor, but it had been completely silent. Sam knew she must be scared, since it was so much later than they usually got her – she probably thought they’d just left just like her other caretakers. “Oh, little one.” Sam whispers, coming to the crib and lowering the side of it so he can scoop her out. 

Right away, he can feel how soaked and full her diaper is, causing him to wince. That had to be uncomfortable, especially if she’d been laying in it for hours now. “It’s okay, baby, I’ve got you.” Sam coos gently, laying her down on the changing table. There was a split second where Meredith clung to him before she just let go and let Sam do whatever he wanted to do. It made his heart ache. “I promise I’ll hold you as soon as I’m done changing you. But this has to be uncomfortable, so let’s do this first.” 

Meredith laid there compliantly while Sam changed her diaper, making sure to get cream on it because of the little bit of rash that had formed there already. He glanced up at her every couple of seconds, biting down on his lip guiltily when he sees she’s still crying, but not making a single sound. Sam hopes what he’s doing isn’t hurting her, but it has to be done. Unfortunately, there’s no way for him to tell if she’s just upset or if he’s hurting her, since she refused to talk. 

Sam gets her into a new onesie, then scooping up Meredith and holding her tightly to his chest. “I’ve got you, I’ve got you…” Sam repeats, starting to bounce her a little bit as he wanders around the room. “I’m so sorry none of us came to get you, sweetheart. We were all waiting for you to make a noise, so we knew you were awake, then we lost track of the time. I’m so sorry. We won’t let that happen again, okay? I promise.” 

Laying her head on her shoulder, Meredith continued to cry until she couldn’t anymore. The only reason Sam knew she was no longer crying was because her body finally stopped shuddering with every breath she took. It still did every so often because she was trying to catch her breath, but he could tell she’d stopped. “Good girl.” Sam whispers, turning his head so he can kiss the side of her head. “What’s going on with you, sweet girl?” He asks quietly. “Hmm? What’s going on in that little mind of yours to make you think you can’t speak or make any noise at all?” 

Sam knew he wasn’t going to get a response. He’d been hopeful she would at least say something, even if it was just one word, but she didn’t. Sam sighs, heading down the stairs where John and Dean were feeling immensely guilty, because they could hear Sam over the baby monitor when he was apologizing to her for none of them getting her earlier.

“She fell back asleep?” John asks quietly, standing up when Sam enters the kitchen. Meredith’s head was facing away from Sam, so he couldn’t see her face, but John could see her eyes were closed as he put his hand on her back.

“No, I don’t think so.” Sam responds back quietly, knowing that if she had fallen asleep, she would be more relaxed than she was currently. “She’s got quite the rash going on.” Sam tries to keep his voice light, not wanting to upset her more, but John and Dean can hear the hidden guilt in his tone. All of them felt guilty for what they had done without even realizing it. But how were they supposed to know she suddenly wasn’t going to be making any sound at all? 

John nods, tussling Meredith’s blonde hair, leaning down to briefly kiss the top of her head. “How about you boys get her a bottle and I’m going to go call Castiel, see if he can’t come over for a little while.” 

Sam and Dean agree, Sam still holding the girl who was clinging to him tightly, like he was her lifeline. He couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to make her suddenly so afraid to talk again. Why she was so afraid to make a sound. “Hungry, baby?” He questions, but he doesn’t even get a nod of the head.

Dean sets about making the bottle, finishing it up quickly and bringing it over to Sam. Sam sits down in one of the kitchen chairs, reaching out for the bottle, thanking Dean for making it. He then brings Meredith to a cradled position, gently taking her pacifier from her mouth and replacing it with the bottle. Her eyes open as she looks around, looking up at Sam for a few seconds. 

Because they had taken so many steps back in Meredith’s recovery, Sam was going to do everything he did at the very beginning. So, when Meredith at least made eye contact with him, Sam started to praise her, telling her how good she was and how much he loved her. 

John was in the living room, calling up Castiel worriedly. It rang three times before Castiel picked up. “Hey, John.” He answers, having a feeling he was calling due to something being wrong. Sam had told Castiel it seemed like they were taking steps back in recovery, but they were all dealing with it. Something else must have happened. “Is everything okay?”

“Uh, no, not really.” John admits, feeling defeated that he wasn’t able to help Meredith like he should be able to. “I’m sure Sam’s told you about Meredith not speaking anymore…” He waits until Castiel hums in confirmation before continuing. “But today she suddenly decided to stop making any sort of sound. We ended up losing track of time while we waited for her to wake up, when we realized it was way too late and she was already awake… Sam went in there and she was crying so hard, but wasn’t making any sound at all, and she’d been laying in a dirty diaper for hours, and now she has a rash, and I don’t know what to do, Castiel.” 

“Okay, okay, John. Take a breath and calm down.” Castiel says, pulling his jacket on. “I was planning on working from home today and just using the day to catch up on some paperwork. I’ll head over there right now.” He has no idea what he can do, because it’s not like something is medically wrong, but he figured he would at least be there for support for the family. “I don’t know if there’s anything I can truly do to help, but I can try.” 

John sighs. “Thank you.” His voice sounds relieved even to his own ears. John knew there was a chance Castiel might not be able to do anything for them, but at least he could try to figure something out. It wasn’t like they could take Meredith to a therapist, since she didn’t trust anyone she didn’t explicitly know. Castiel was the best thing they had.

Twenty minutes later, the doorbell was ringing. John quickly got up to answer it, Meredith still snuggled up to Sam while they sat together. Sam had just finished up feeding her and was burping her when Castiel walked into the kitchen. “Hey.” Castiel says softly, briefly leaning down to capture Sam’s lips in a quick kiss, before he pulls back to look at Meredith. “Hey, you.” He coos down to her, giving a small smile when she looks up at him. “How about you and I come hang out for a little bit, hm?” 

Meredith reluctantly lets go of Sam and instead reaches her arms out to Castiel. He scoops her up and places her on his hip, nuzzling his nose against hers once before he looks to John. “Do you mind if I try to speak with her alone?” He questions. He knew John was very protective over her – then again, so was the rest of the family. But if she was going to confess something, Castiel had the feeling it wouldn’t be in front of her family who she was terrified to disappoint. 

John nods. He’s also a little hesitant to do it, but he knows he can trust Castiel. Castiel was the only person aside from his family he trusted with Meredith, actually. And maybe that one police officer from the accident. But other than that, John didn’t trust anyone. “Yeah. As long as she’s okay. Just… take care of her.”

Cas can hear the pleading tone John’s voice has and he nods, sending him a smile. “You know I will. We’ll just be in her nursery.” He carries Meredith to the nursery, gently setting her down on the floor, and he sits down on the floor in front of her, not wanting to seem like he was towering over her or trying to intimidate her in any way. 

“Meredith, sweetheart.” Castiel says softly, gently placing his finger under her chin to tilt it upwards. “Can you look at me, please?” Meredith finally does so, and Castiel sees a sadness in her eyes that he hadn’t seen before. He frowns, brushing a piece of hair back from her face. “Your daddy tells me that you’re not speaking and now you’re not making any noise. Did something happen a week ago that made you think you shouldn’t talk or make noise?” 

Meredith slowly shakes her head. She knows she has to give Castiel some kind of response, even if she’s not talking. Even if she doesn’t want to give him a response. They were going to be mad at her if she didn’t. 

“Okay, so nothing happened a week ago. Is this about when your daddy took Julia in?” He asks, but Meredith is once again shaking her head. “Did someone make you feel embarrassed or that you shouldn’t talk?” It’s hesitant, but this time Meredith just slightly nods her head. “Is this about when Sam took you to that party and that man was mean to you?” Aha. There it was. Meredith just shrugged her shoulders, which Castiel knew meant yes, it was. 

“You’ve been thinking about that a lot, haven’t you?” Castiel asks quietly. It didn’t make much sense for her to all of a sudden decide to not talk since the party had been a while ago, but if she’d been thinking about it constantly, he could see where she would decide to not talk anymore. Meredith slowly nodded her head again. "Do you stutter sometimes when you try to speak?” Another nod of the head, this time accompanied by flushing, because she was embarrassed. “Sweetheart, you have a brain injury.” Castiel says, gently placing his hand on her head. “You stuttering your words is not your fault. That guy was just a jerk.”

Castiel stays silent for a moment, deciding that he wanted to ask a few more questions, to hopefully relay back to the family so they could help her. “Are you scared that if you stutter, they’re going to be upset with you?” Another nod. “Are you scared that if it takes you a while to think of what you’re trying to say, they’re going to get frustrated and angry?” Another nod. “Are you scared that if you talk too much, and they get too frustrated with you, they’re going to leave you?” Meredith practically deflated at the words, and Castiel knew he’d hit the nail on the head with that last question. 

“Come here.” Castiel says softly, but it’s obvious in his tone that it’s more of a request, not a demand. Meredith slowly crawls up into his lap, sitting in the dip between his legs because he’s sitting cross-legged. “Have they ever gotten frustrated with you when you were speaking?” Meredith slowly shakes her head. “Have they ever tried to rush you? Have they ever made you feel like you shouldn’t speak?” Meredith continues to slowly shake her head, then Castiel kisses the top of her head. 

“Mer, they love you so much. I bet every single time you tried to say anything, they cheered you on. Am I right?” Meredith slowly nods again. “I bet they encouraged you, told you what a good girl you were, even if you messed up or stuttered on a word, because they were so proud of you. I bet they miss your voice. They’re scared, honey. That’s why they haven’t been saying much to you lately, because it seems like you’re going backwards instead of forwards. They’re scared to lose the little girl they love so much.”

Meredith looks down, and Castiel sighs, giving her a tight hug. “I know I’m not here all the time, but I do know they love when you talk. I know they love you doing new things, and they love teaching you new things. They love you, Meredith. Just give them a chance to not leave you.” 

It was more profound than someone of her mental age should have been able to understand, but she understood most of it. She understood what Castiel was saying. She knew the Winchesters weren’t like her old caretakers. It was just so scary, placing all of your trust in someone, especially when she was so dependent on them. If they left, Meredith would have nothing. She needed them more than she needed air, because there was no point in breathing air if she didn’t have them. 

“C’mon, what do you say we go to the living room and you play with some toys for a little bit, hm? Or maybe watch some cartoons?” Meredith nods, lifting her arms up for Castiel to pick her up. Castiel does so, carrying her down to the living room and putting on a cartoon for her. Once she was seemingly immersed in the cartoon, Castiel returns to the kitchen where the three of them are waiting. 

Castiel sighs as he sits down. “It’s basically because of that party she went to with Sam, where that guy Luke upset her. I know it’s been a while, but she’s been thinking about it a lot lately, which is why this is so sudden. She’s afraid that if she talks, and stutters, and takes a while to think of her words that you’ll get frustrated with her. And because of that, she’s afraid that if she talks too much, and you all get too frustrated with her, that you’ll end up leaving her.” 

Dean is the first to speak up, sounding a little hurt by what’s going through Meredith’s mind. “But all this time that she’s been talking, we’ve never gotten frustrated or tried to rush her. We’ve always let her take her time and we’ve always praised her…” 

Cas nods his head. “I know. And I had that conversation with her, and she did agree that you all have never gotten frustrated with her for speaking. I think it’s just more of an unconscious fear at this point, because of what happened with her old caretakers, plus what happened with Luke.” He pauses, looking around at all of their defeated faces. “Sometimes this happens.” He says quietly. “Sometimes, with trauma and abuse victims, they start recovering well, and then take steps back in their recovery. It’s nothing any of you did. It’s just the strange way the brain works.” 

John nods, rubbing a face over his hand tiredly. It was exhausting taking care of a mentally ill child, but he wouldn’t trade it for the world. Whenever Meredith’s eyes lit up with excitement or happiness, he was always reminded just how worth it everything was. “So, what do we do now then?” He questions, needing the expert’s advice. 

“Honestly, I believe the best thing to do would just be to continue what you’re doing. Try to coax her into talking, but don’t push her. Remind her you love her, that you’re not going to leave, that even if she does mess up you won’t be upset with her. Whenever she does speak, or make a sound, praise her, no matter how small of a sound it is, no matter what kind of sound or word it is. Eventually she’ll start taking steps forward again.” Castiel knew it wasn’t the answer they wanted to hear, because it wasn’t a quick fix. But it never was with abuse victims. 

The next few days were filled with plenty of coaxing. The three men hardly even talked to each other because they were giving so much attention and love to Meredith, trying desperately to get her to talk, or even make a noise. Even when they did something funny, though, Meredith simply smiled. There wasn’t so much as even a giggle. When she was upset, she still cried, but there wasn’t even so much as a sniffle. 

John and Dean both noticed she was spending a lot of time with Sam. It seemed that whenever things were going terribly wrong, she took to Sam, which made sense, since they shared that special bond. John and Dean were fine with it, wanting her to get whatever comfort she needed. John knew that she would come to him when she needed him, and Dean knew the same. They all gave her different things that she needed – Sam just happened to give her the most comfort when her mind was screaming at her. 

This particular day, she was very clingy. It was only 8:00 in the morning, but Meredith had been up since 5:00 – and so had the rest of the house. Sam had been the one to get her up that morning, and she was clinging to him as much as she possibly could. She wouldn’t even let Sam go in the bathroom by himself, she wanted to be in there with him. Sam was worried. He was supposed to go to work today, but it looked like Meredith wasn’t about to let that happen. 

Sam sat Meredith down on the toilet after he closed the toilet seat lid, kneeling in front of her. “Sweetheart, I’m supposed to go to work today.” He says softly, brushing some stray hairs out of her face. He could see her heart breaking, which only served to break his own heart. “I don’t have very many vacation days left for the entire year. If you want me to use one of them today I can, or I can just call in sick. But if I use one today, I can’t use another one for a little while. Do you understand?” Sam asks gently, briefly wondering if maybe he should consider a different firm where he could work from home for a while, but that decision would have to come later once all of this was dealt with.

Meredith nodded when Sam asked her if she understood. She didn’t completely understand why he couldn’t just stay here with her all the time, but she understood that’s what he was saying. She also knew Sam was waiting for an answer from her, which she could just do by making gestures, but now that she and Sam were alone, she figured maybe now would be an okay time. There was a long few moments where Sam just thinks she’s debating, when in reality she’s gathering the courage and the words she wants. “P’ease stay, Sammy.” She hardly whispers, her voice scratchy from the lack of use over the past few weeks.

Sam’s eyes widen as he immediately grabs Meredith into a tight hug, cradling her against his chest and kissing all over her cheeks, forehead, and nose. “You’re such a good girl.” Sam coos against her ear when he pulls her back in, so he can hold her. “Of course, I’ll stay home with you, sweet girl. I’m so proud of you. I’m so happy to hear your voice again, baby.” He kisses her forehead, finally pulling back to give her a proud smile. “I love you, you know that? And if you don’t want to talk again for a while, that’s okay. Just know that we love you, and we’re willing to wait for you until you’re comfortable.” 

Sam carries her down the stairs, John looking up and quirking an eyebrow in confusion when he sees Sam isn’t dressed in his work clothes. “Little miss asked me if I would stay home today.” He says with a proud light in his eyes. It takes a second for John and Dean to catch on that Meredith had actually asked, and had used her words, then they both were immediately up and over to her, cooing to her and telling her how proud they were. 

Meredith wasn’t even sure why she was so dead-set on Sam staying. She just knew she had a bad feeling in her stomach that wouldn’t go away. It had been there since she’d woken up this morning. Even if she was comfortable talking, she wouldn’t have known how to describe it. It was just… there, and it was making her very uneasy.

It was midafternoon, and Sam and Meredith were in the living room while John and Dean made something for lunch. He had looked away from Meredith, who was playing on the floor, for just one second to look at something on the tv, and when he looked back, she was seizing. Sam’s eyes widen as he grabs the nearest pillow, throwing it down on the floor underneath her head. “Dad! Dean!” He yells urgently, and he hears the clatter of plates being put down before two sets of footsteps are rushing toward the living room.

John kneels down next to Meredith while Dean looks at what time it is. “Did it just start?” He asks, and Sam nods, his eyes wide. “I – I looked away for one second and when I looked back, she was seizing!” He knows it isn’t his fault, but he was just in such shock from how quickly it all happened.

Three minutes later, most of the jerking finally stopped, even though there was still a little bit of movement from her body still being tensed up from the seizure. John breathes a sigh of relief when Dean mumbles that it was three minutes. It had been getting up there, which made him worried. “Meredith, sweetheart? It’s daddy… can you hear me?” He knew it was normal for her to be unconscious for a few moments afterward – but to his horror, she starts seizing again. John’s eyes widen as he looks up at Sam. “Call Castiel! See what the hell we do!” 

Sam’s shaking so hard it’s hard for him to dial the number, but he gets Castiel on the phone just a few moments later. “Cas – it’s Meredith—” He says urgently, and just the tone in his voice already has Castiel set on the edge. “She just got done seizing and before she woke up she started another one, she’s seizing right now.” 

“Shit.” Castiel curses lowly under his breath. “Sam, you need to hang up with me and call an ambulance. They need to get her emergency medical treatment right away; do you hear me? Tell them it’s convulsive status epilepticus, that’ll make them get to you faster.” 

He nods his head, breathing out a few words of confirmation as he repeats those three words over and over in his head, afraid he’s going to screw them up. After hanging up the phone with Castiel, Sam dials 911 and relays the message Castiel was telling him. He had no idea what any of that meant, but it was obviously something terrible by the way Castiel’s voice sounded, and how he actually swore – Sam didn’t think he’d ever heard Cas swear before. 

By this point, Dean gets up and runs to their bedrooms to pack all of them some clothes, as well as a bunch of little stuff for Meredith, since they obviously didn’t have anything at the hospital for her. John’s waiting with bated breath for her seizure to stop, because they were already hitting the five-minute mark, and it wasn’t showing any signs of stopping. It was another ten minutes before the ambulance showed up, and Meredith’s seizure still hadn’t stopped. John was practically in tears, and Sam had his hand on his back while they just sat there, defeated. He felt so helpless. This was his little girl and he couldn’t do anything to stop the pain she was suffering from. 

“Ambulance is here.” Dean says breathlessly from all of his running around to get things packed, opening the door and ushering them inside quickly, where Meredith was still on the living room floor. 

“We’re going to give her midazolam, it’s a sedative.” The paramedic explains quickly, really not giving any time for questions because there simply was no time. She gingerly places the medicine into the side of Meredith’s mouth between her cheek and her gum, and a few moments later, the seizure is finally coming to an end. “Sedatives help calm the brain. The other option was to give her diazepam rectally, but I figured this would be easier.” 

John doesn’t say anything, just staring at Meredith, quickly wiping at his cheeks when he realizes his tears were spilling out instead of just staying in his eyes. “Is – is she going to be okay?” He asks hoarsely, and the paramedic gives him a sympathetic smile.

“We’re going to take her to the hospital. She needs emergency support treatments. The midazolam has stopped the seizures for now, but once it wears off, there’s the chance that the seizures will start again. If that happens, then there’s something most definitely wrong. Hopefully this was just a ‘one and done’ kind of situation and once she gets support treatments she’ll be ready to go.” 

The paramedics get her loaded up onto a stretcher, checking her airway and getting a set of vitals as they do so. The girl then puts oxygen on Meredith, saying that they were going to start an IV while they were in the ambulance. “There’s room for one person in the back of the ambulance. Who would like to come with?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to leave kudos & comments!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is once again filled with some angst, but also a crap ton of fluff. At the end there's a bunch of John/Sam fluff, and even though I wrote it, it makes my heart happy. Sam takes care of everyone, but who takes care of him? #samwinchesterdeservesbetter
> 
> Okay but for real though I just really love Sam. I hope you guys like this chapter!
> 
> Comments & kudos feed the muse! <3

No one was shocked when John immediately said he would be the one to go. Sam and Dean were okay with that. Even though they would have liked to go with them, they were going to need a car at the hospital, and there wasn’t enough room for them anyway. 

After loading up in the ambulance, they were a few minutes into the journey when Meredith’s blood pressure tanked. “Something’s not right.” John had been looking at the monitors with her vitals on it when her blood pressure started to go down. “Her blood pressure –” That was as far as he got before it suddenly dropped dangerously low and they had to quickly start stabilizing it. Hanging fluids, giving her an injection of something that John couldn’t pronounce nor remember, turning up her oxygen levels to give her organs more oxygen flowing to them. 

Once the blood pressure was still low but stabilized and not going any lower for the moment, the paramedic looks over to John with a sympathetic smile. “I know this isn’t going to make it any easier, but all of this is normal with convulsive status epilepticus. It’s nothing we haven’t seen before.” 

John manages a small smile of thanks, not saying anything as he smooths back Meredith’s hair. The paramedic glances over at her partner, sharing a silent message with him, but John can’t tell what it’s supposed to mean. 

It was a whirlwind as soon as they got to the hospital. Normally they would evaluate the patient in the ER, then decide if admitting was necessary – but this time they just admitted her first thing. That made John worry right away, but he was too busy filling out paperwork for admission and permission for treatments that he didn’t really have time to even think about it. 

What seemed like hours later, but in reality was only an hour, Meredith was laying in a hospital bed, still showing no signs of waking up. Sam and Dean were standing outside in the hallway, making phone calls to their respective employers letting them know they were going to need more time off due to their sick family member. John was sitting in the chair next to her hospital bed, looking down at the floor in defeat. He felt like he had failed her, even though he had done everything he could. Even though John knew there was nothing he could have done to prevent this, his mind kept kicking him; wondering what else he could have done to make sure this didn’t happen. What could he have done differently? Different foods? Maybe if he hadn’t stressed her out so much for that one week with Julia there this wouldn’t have happened. 

John looks up when he hears someone entering the room, standing up when he realizes it’s the doctor. “How is she?” He asks quietly, looking down at Meredith, who was still on oxygen and medications for her blood pressure.

“Mr. Winchester – John, of course – I’m going to be completely honest with you. It’s unusual for her to not have woken up yet, at least a little bit. Normally with this sort of condition, patients will at least be groggy and not fully awake by now. It’s concerning to me, so we’re going to be running some tests. Either way, if she wakes up, she’s going to be on an EEG to monitor her brain function for at least 24 hours, so she’s going to be here for at least 24 hours. That’s why we admitted her right away. We’re also going to be doing an MRI and a CT scan to make sure there’s not something else going on here.” The doctor pauses to allow John to process the information, knowing it could be a lot to take in all at once. “We’re slowly getting her blood pressure to rise back up to normal levels, and the oxygen is just a precautionary measure at this point, to ensure she’s getting enough. Do you have any questions?” 

John stays silent for a few moments before shaking his head. “No. Not right now.” He’s at the point where he doesn’t even know what he doesn’t know. All he wants to know is that his little girl is going to be okay. 

“Hello, John.” John turns around when he hears Castiel’s voice, a bit of a worried look in his eyes. He had definitely taken more of a personal interest in Meredith’s case – which on one hand could be bad, because it could cloud his judgment as a doctor. But he couldn’t think about that right now, he just had to think about the family, which just so happened to include his boyfriend. “She’s not awake yet?” 

Shaking his head, John looks away from Castiel to look back at Meredith. He perches on the edge of her bed, smoothing her hair back from her forehead. “No, not yet.” He says quietly. “The doctor told me that’s not normal.” He pauses, looking at the floor again. “I’m so worried, Castiel. I don’t know what I would do without her.” 

Castiel’s eyes go from soft to hard, his tone going sharper. “Do not think like that, John.” He says immediately. “It’s been studied that patients who are in comas or unconscious can still hear everything that is happening. If Meredith knows you’re giving up, there’s a good chance she could give up as well. Are you giving up?” 

John’s eyes widen. “No! No, I’m not giving up!” He clears his throat, feeling a little embarrassed. He’d never had Castiel talk to him like that before. Even though he knew it was probably something he needed to hear, at the same time, John had just witnessed his little girl having multiple seizures for over fifteen minutes, and she still wasn’t awake. He was in need of some comfort. 

Castiel’s eyes then soften considerably, realizing he had been harsher on him than he had intended. He just didn’t want Meredith thinking John was giving up on her. She’d already had so many people give up on her – John couldn’t be one of them. “Come here.” Castiel says quietly, pulling John in for a tight hug. 

John wasn’t typically a ‘hugging’ kind of guy, but this seemed to be exactly what he needed. John had just been expecting to hug Castiel – but just a few moments later he was breaking down. 

Sam and Dean came into the room by this point, Sam choking up when he sees his father crying into Castiel’s chest. He could count the number of times on one hand he’d seen his father cry. Even Dean was tearing up a little bit. Sam went up to one side of his father and wrapped his arms around him and Cas, and Dean did the same on the other side. The four of them hugged for quite a few moments, all leaning on each other because they were so worried about her. Even if they were possibly overreacting, they didn’t care. It was something that was bringing all of them closer together, making them realize what they had in life and that they needed to keep it, no matter what it took. It was also a good reason to be worried about her – it was a medical emergency, and now there was potentially something wrong with her brain. 

The group hug finally broke up after a few more moments, John wiping his eyes. “I’m just so worried about her.” He says quietly, the rest of them murmuring their agreements. The room fell silent, all of them lost in their own thoughts. 

Meredith was taken away for the MRI and CT scan, then hooked up to the EEG so they could monitor her brain activity. When she got back, Sam eventually ended up climbing into the hospital bed with Meredith. He knew he wasn’t supposed to, but even Castiel didn’t make a comment about it. Sam’s arms wrap around Meredith, kissing her forehead and letting his lips linger there, fingers brushing through her hair repeatedly.

John was watching them with fond eyes, sitting close next to Dean. He could tell Dean was just as worried about Meredith as he was, but there was only room for one of them in the bed. John knew if it were possible, all of them would be in that bed, cuddling Meredith as much as they possibly could. 

That was what Meredith woke up too. The calming, soothing scent of her Sammy, the feeling of his lips pressing against her forehead and his fingers combing through her hair. She whined quietly, still extremely groggy as her eyes started to open. Sam had started to doze off, but quickly woke up when he heard the whine, and when Meredith started to move just a little bit. “Sweetheart?” He whispers, causing the rest of them to look up quickly.

Meredith stayed silent for a few more moments, until whimpering, “Daddy…” 

It only took Sam a couple seconds to let go of Meredith and get out of the bed; John replacing him with his arms around her, laying next to her. “Daddy’s right here, baby.” John whispers, voice thick because he’s trying not to cry. “You’re okay, promise.” 

Meredith’s hand groggily went to where her IV was taped to her arm. John’s hand gently grips her wrist, instead pulling it back to where his neck was. “No, no, baby.” He says softly. “That’s helping you feel better. Does your head hurt?” 

Meredith shook her head, a quiet whimper escaping when she does. Her head really didn’t hurt that much, but when she moved it like that, yes it did. “Okay, gorgeous. You just relax, okay? I’m right here, both Sammy and De are right here, and so is Castiel. We’re all here for you, and we’re not leaving.” 

Her eyes slowly shut, snuggling up to John after he promises that she’s not going to be alone. The last thing she remembered was being in the living room with Sam, watching a cartoon. Even though she didn’t know exactly what had happened, she knew enough about what happened to her to know that she’d had a ‘seizure,’ even though she didn’t know the name. However, this was the first time she’d gone somewhere else because of one – the first time her head hadn’t hurt terribly when she’d woken up. This was also only the second time ever that she’d woken up from one without having someone screaming at her or trying to hurt her because of it. Her eyes pricked with tears, emotional from all of it, even though there was no way she could have explained it.

“It’s okay, sweetheart.” John says quietly, his hand coming down to rub her back soothingly. She had started clinging to his shirt, making sure he was still there. John didn’t know what was going through her mind, but he wanted to make sure she knew everything was fine. Meredith knew how lucky she was to have this kind of supporting environment.

While Sam, Dean, and Castiel were sitting there, Sam got a phone call from his work. He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, murmuring to them that he was going to step outside for a moment. “Hello?” He asked once he was standing out in the hallway.

“Sam, this is Angela with HR.” The woman says. Sam knows it’s never a good thing when HR calls, and her terse tone just reinforced that feeling even more. “I’m afraid I’m calling with some rather bad news.” 

Sam’s jaw clenches, feeling his stomach starting to tighten. He has a feeling he knows what’s about to happen, but he doesn’t want to think about it. “Okay. And that is?” 

“Sam, I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go.” Sam is silent, before his mouth opens to protest, but Angela shuts him down quickly. “We know you have some extenuating circumstances going on, and we have done all we can to help you out with that. But the fact of the matter is, you’ve completely blown through all of your vacation time, your sick time, and over the allotment for the family medical leave act. Other than that, when you have been at work, your work has been suffering. Whether that’s because you can’t focus due to things going on at home, or because you’ve missed so much that you’re not in the loop of your team, it doesn’t matter. I’m really sorry to do this, Sam.” The last sentence actually sounded genuine. Sam knew this wasn’t her fault. She was just the messenger. “Your badge has been deactivated, as well as your accounts. Your work has been taken over by some of your colleagues. We wish you the best, Sam.” 

There’s a sudden silence on the phone, Sam knowing she hung up. He stands there, frozen in shock, for a few moments, before slowly slipping his phone back in his pocket. Even though he’d already been thinking about getting a different job where he could work from home, he never thought he was going to be fired from his accounting firm. ‘Fired’ hadn’t even been in the realm of Sam’s vocabulary, and now it had just happened to him in the matter of two seconds. There was a part of him feeling like he could probably fight this – some sort of discrimination, or a loophole in the family medical leave act, or something – but at the same time, did he really want to fight it if he’d already been thinking about quitting? 

It wasn’t like Sam was short on money, not by any means. He had a lot of money saved up from his time spent at the accounting firm. He had been a partner there, and partners made good money. Sam knew he could go a little while without working. But he couldn’t help the large feeling of disappointment, and the pit in his stomach feeling like he had failed. He had failed his family, he’d failed the company, and he’d failed himself.

Castiel came out a few moments later, realizing that Sam had been gone for quite a while. “Hey.” He says softly, coming up and taking Sam’s hand, squeezing it. “You okay?” 

Sam squeezes Cas’ hand back, managing to give him a small smile. “Yeah. I’m fine.” He says quietly. “My firm just wanted to talk to me about something really quick. Figured I’d just stay out here for a little bit and clear my head. I’m really worried about Meredith.”

It wasn’t a lie. He was extremely worried about Meredith. So, it wasn’t a lie, but it also wasn’t the entire truth. He felt terrible lying to Castiel, but with Meredith being so sick, he couldn’t make this about him. He’d already told his family that he’d gotten some time off from work, so it wouldn’t seem suspicious that he wasn’t going to work for a while. Once Meredith was finally getting better, then he would tell them. Or maybe he’d just pick up some odd jobs on the side, so he could be out of the house during his normal working hours, and they wouldn’t have to know at all. 

Sam was just worried about disappointing them. Disappointing his father. His father had been so damn proud of him when he became a partner at the firm. He didn’t want John to feel bad, either, that it was basically due to Meredith’s health issues that this had happened. He especially didn’t want Meredith to somehow find out and understand, because he didn’t think she’d ever forgive herself. Sam was also worried about disappointing his brother, because Dean had also been so proud of him. He’d always said Sam was going to do great things, and when he got that entry-level job at the firm, Dean said he knew within a few years, Sam was going to be a partner. And he had done just that. The look on Dean’s face when Sam told him was something he was never going to forget. But possibly most importantly, he didn’t want to disappoint Castiel. His boyfriend was a very successful doctor, whom people travelled from all of the country to see. He was also making good money, and Sam had felt like they were equals. Now what if Castiel didn’t want to be with him, or thought less of him, because Sam had lost his job? 

“I know that look, Winchester.” Castiel says quietly, pulling Sam from his thoughts when he gently presses his lips to his. “I know there’s more going through your mind than what you’re telling me. But if you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to. Just know that I’m here when you want to talk, okay?”

Sam manages a tiny little smile, casting his eyes down to the floor. “Thanks.” He whispers quietly, quickly rubbing at his eyes. He didn’t want to look like he’d just gotten the bad news when he walked back into the room. He didn’t want anyone asking him what was wrong. He didn’t want attention on him in general.

The attention needed to be on Meredith, who was still currently sleeping in John’s arms. He takes another deep breath before entering the room again. Dean can immediately tell something is off, but neither of them say anything about it. Dean knew even better than Castiel that when Sam wanted to talk about it, he would talk about it. 

It was the middle of the night by the time the doctor came back in to let them know that Meredith’s MRI and CT scan had both come back normal. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief at that, but at the same time, they still didn’t know why it had happened. 

“There are many causes of the status epilepticus, and sometimes it’s impossible to tell what it is. But we can go through some questions to see if we can figure it out.” The doctor pulls up a chair to talk to John, with Sam and Dean standing by since they were also the main caretakers who may be able to provide some insight. 

“Has she fallen lately?” The doctor questions, looking around to them. “Has anything happened that she would have hit her head or anything? I was looking through her file and saw that a while ago she got a traumatic brain injury.” 

John nods his head to the last part. “Yeah, before she came to me she got the TBI.” He says quietly. “But as for falling, I don’t really think so…”

Dean was the one to speak up next. “She fell yesterday.” He says quietly. “She was trying to walk, with Sam’s help. She ended up getting so wobbly that she fell, and Sam and I weren’t able to catch her before she hit the ground. I think she hit her head, but she hardly even cried. We didn’t really think anything of it.”

The doctor nods his head. “That right there is probably the root cause of it. One of the causes of the status epilepticus, aside from epilepsy in general, is head trauma. It’s possible that because of her TBI and then hitting her head yesterday, even if it wasn’t a hard hit, was enough to cause something like this to happen.” 

Dean feels like he’s going to puke, and so does Sam. The fact that something they had done with her had possibly caused this to happen. That something so simple had landed her in the hospital, and it was all their fault.

The look on the boys’ faces made John slowly unentangle himself from Meredith, gesturing for Castiel to take his place. Castiel didn’t fully lay down with her, but he at least started to hold her a little bit, so Meredith didn’t freak out that she was alone.

“Now, listen here, boys.” John says, sitting in front of both of them. “Perhaps that’s what caused it. But maybe not. It’s something that happens in people with epilepsy, so it’s possible that nothing caused it except for the epilepsy itself. Even if it was because of that, there was no way you could have known that she was going to fall and hit her head, or that something like this could even possibly happen. I do not want you two blaming yourselves, you understand?” 

It was a few days later before Meredith got home and everything settled down. She still wasn’t back to her normal self, but they figured it was going to take some time before that happened, and that was okay. The one good thing that came out of all of it was Meredith was starting to talk again, slowly but surely. She was also extremely cuddly because she was so tired and groggy all the time, so they were soaking it up while they could. 

When there was whining coming from the nursery after they’d laid Meredith down for a nap, Sam was the one who volunteered to go get her. He switched off the baby monitor – or at least he thought he did – then went up to Meredith’s nursery. “Hi, sweet girl.” He coos softly, smiling when Meredith reaches out and makes grabby hands for him. “You want to come to Sammy? Does someone need to be changed?” 

Sam gets Meredith all set up on the changing table, so he can change her diaper, smiling lightly when he sees she’s falling back asleep again. He had a feeling she wasn’t really ready to get up, but she had gotten uncomfortable in her diaper, so she wanted to get that over with, so she could go back to sleep. “Did you fall back asleep?” He asks softly, and he knows the answer is yes when there’s no form of movement or response, her breathing just slowing.

“I feel like a failure, baby.” Sam says softly, unaware that the baby monitor was capturing the entire thing; unaware his brother and father were listening in on everything he was saying. “When we were in the hospital that first night, my HR department called me… and told me that they were firing me.” Even just stating the words again makes a pit form in his stomach. “Said that I was taking too much time off and that when I was at work, my performance was suffering. And you know, I’d already been thinking about getting a different job where I could work from home, so I could be with you and dad and Dean more, but I didn’t… I never thought I was going to get fired, you know?” 

Sam pauses to make sure Meredith is still sleeping as he finishes up changing her diaper, getting her all zipped back up in her onesie. Sam scoops her up, holding her to his chest, waiting until she settles in. “I just feel like a failure. I feel like I failed you, and dad, and Dean… I failed the company, I failed Cas… and I failed myself. How am I even supposed to tell dad and Dean? They were so proud when I got it. Now they don’t have a reason to be proud of me. How am I supposed to tell Cas? We were equals in the job world, and now… now I’m unemployed and he’s still this world-renowned doctor that people come from all over to see. How am I supposed to tell them when I still can hardly tell it to myself?”

He sighs, gently kissing Meredith’s forehead and placing her back down in the crib. He tucks her in with her blanket, putting her pacifier back in her mouth since it had slipped out earlier. “I love you.” Sam whispers. “I love you more than you’ll ever know. I promise I’ll make this up to you.”

Sam heads back down the stairs, rubbing his eyes tiredly as he does so. He comes into the living room, almost running straight into John, who was standing in the doorway. “Oh, sorry, didn’t realize you were –” 

Sam is cut off by his father. “Samuel James Winchester, how could you ever think that we don’t have a reason to be proud of you?” Sam’s heart drops as he realizes he obviously hadn’t turned the baby monitor off like he thought he did. They must have heard every single word. “Just because you were let go does not mean you’re a failure, and it doesn’t mean we don’t have a reason to be proud of you. Sam, I am so proud of both you and Dean every day, simply because of the fine, strong men I see. The ones who practically adopted Meredith as your own even though it was untraditional, and you had no say in it. The ones who took it all in stride when it was revealed that she had severe PTSD, epilepsy, nightmares, and more. A job doesn’t define who you are Sam, and Castiel should also be able to see that. If he doesn’t, well then he’s not the kind of guy I thought he was.” By this time, Sam’s eyes were pricking with tears, and John pulls him in for a tight hug. Once again, he wasn’t normally the hugging type – but Sam seemed like he could use it. “I’m so proud of you, son. I’m proud of you stepping up to the plate to help take care of Meredith so much that your job couldn’t handle it. I’m proud of what you accomplished while you were there, and I’m already proud of what you’re going to accomplish in the future. Sam, I’m proud of you every single day, and no job or a lack of job is going to change that. I love you, son.”

Sam’s choked up by this point, his arms wrapped tightly around his father. He knew his father was proud of him. He’d always known it. But before Meredith, they weren’t the type of family that talked about any of their emotions frequently. So even though Sam knew his father was proud of him, it really wasn’t all that often that he heard it out loud. After everything that he’d been doing, after all of the shit he’d already gone through, Sam desperately needed to hear it. He hides his face in his father’s shoulder, just like he’d done when he was little, allowing the smell of his father to wash over him. “Thanks, dad.” He whispers in a small voice. “I love you, too.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex297 requested some Dr. Cas/Sam stuff, with Sam kind of neglecting himself to take care of everyone else. I loved the idea and got a bunch of muse, so here's another part! Thank you for the request, and I hope I did it justice, and I hope you guys like this chapter!
> 
> There's fluff, angst, medical stuff... trigger warning for vomiting, fainting, other medical stuff, etc. 
> 
> Comments & kudos feed the muse <3

When things were finally settled, everything started to slowly go back to normal – except Sam’s life, of course. He didn’t even know what normal was to him anymore. He still hadn’t told Castiel about losing his job, despite Dean and John’s attempts to coax him into it. Sam was just worried. He was worried Castiel would see him differently now that he was unemployed.

Although, technically, Sam really wasn’t unemployed. He was picking up some odd jobs on the side, most of which were hard, manual labor. Sam didn’t mind the work, he was strong enough to do it; he just wasn’t used to it. It was taking a toll on his body, and he was exhausted. 

Dean had gone back to work as well, Sam breaking the lease in his apartment to move back home to help John out with Meredith. He figured it wouldn’t be a big deal, because he could either stay with them, or move in with Castiel at some point. Sam couldn’t even remember the last time he’d spent time at his apartment, so he really wasn’t upset about breaking the lease; especially because it just reminded him of him moving into it to be closer to his job. 

Sam made sure he was out of the house from 8:30-5:30 Monday-Friday, in case Castiel decided to stop by. Some of those days he would have multiple jobs, other days he would sit at a coffee shop for a few hours at a time before finding somewhere else to hang out. The entire time, Sam couldn’t believe this was what his life had come to. He figured he could easily get another accounting job, but there were hardly any jobs that worked from home, and he didn’t want another repeat of what just happened. So, he was biding his time, trying to figure out what on earth he was going to do with his life. 

When he got home, he helped John out with Meredith. Sam didn’t mind doing it at all. He loved Meredith, and he loved taking care of her. Dean still came over frequently for dinner, and the family was closer than they’d been in a long time. Sam would watch Meredith while John did chores, Sam would make dinner, or they’d switch it up every so often. It was a very domestic life, but at the same time, Sam couldn’t help but feel like he wasn’t living up to his potential. He wasn’t really putting anything important into the world. 

Mostly, Sam was exhausted. His entire body ached every night when he finally managed to crawl into bed after a long day. There were times he was afraid he was going to drop Meredith because his arms hurt so bad from working that day. Even when Sam took aspirin, he still didn’t get much sleep, too sore to focus on anything aside from it. Everything just seemed to be building up.

“Ah, shit.” Sam heard John mumble from where he was sitting at the kitchen table. Sam looked up to John, who was currently kneeling on the living room floor, changing Meredith’s diaper.

“What?” Sam questions, rubbing his eyes. He’d had a rough day. An elderly couple had paid him to do some heavy lifting, which he’d done for most of the day. Then another couple hired him to mow their lawn, which was huge, in the scorching hot sun. Then there was some more heavy lifting, and Sam was beat. 

John sighs, glancing up to Sam as he finishes up changing Meredith’s diaper. “I just took the last diaper from the package, then realized I forgot to go to the store and get more.” He brings Meredith to a sitting position, wrapping his arm around her. “Would you be able to pick some up after you go for your run with Castiel?” 

Sam inwardly groans. He’d completely forgotten he and Cas had decided that once a week they were going to go for a run. Cas was worried that as he was getting older, and was sitting in an office more and more, that he was gaining weight. Sam tried to convince him he looked just fine, but Castiel was having none of it. He’d asked Sam to do it with him, since Sam needed exercise because he was just sitting behind a desk all day as well, at the firm. Sam had agreed, since he couldn’t exactly say he was doing manual labor every day. “Yeah, of course.” 

“Think you’ll be able to hold it until then?” Sam asks, cooing to Meredith as he comes over to her. He grins when she grins up at him behind the pacifier, reaching down to pick her up. He almost groans due to his arms hurting, but he manages to hold it in. Even though he was in pain, it started to melt away when he was with Meredith. He was just so smitten with her that he couldn’t help but to love on her, even when he was hurting. 

Meredith snuggles up to him, grabbing onto his hair, releasing a quiet giggle. Sam starts cooing to her again, smiling as she giggles. He thought it was a sound he would never get tired of hearing – not after knowing how much pain she’d been through in her life. 

Another bad thing Sam was doing was not eating much. It wasn’t like he was trying to not eat. It wasn’t some form of eating disorder or thinking he shouldn’t be eating – he just didn’t have enough time. And when he did have enough time, he was usually busy with Meredith and ended up forgetting unless they were all having dinner together. This meant usually Sam would get maybe one full meal a day, along with maybe a couple snacks in between, depending on how the day went and how many little jobs he picked up. He knew that was probably contributing to his exhaustion, but he just kept forgetting to pack himself lunches. Or if he did pack himself a lunch, it would get hot from sitting in his car the whole day, and he really didn’t want that. 

It wasn’t too long later that Castiel showed up. Him and Sam were dressed pretty much the same, in a t-shirt and a pair of track pants. Fabric that would breathe but would also keep them cool while they were running. Sam was really starting to regret telling Castiel he would go. He was practically falling asleep on the couch as it was, even though he was sore. John was putting around in the kitchen, trying to figure out what to have for dinner, since it was getting to be late afternoon. Meredith was sitting on the floor of the kitchen with John, leaving Sam on his own in the living room, which was how he was able to start falling asleep.

“Hey.” Sam says with a small grin, leaning forward to kiss him quickly. “You better love me for doing this with you.” He laughs, even though Castiel would never know how true that statement really was. He was dreading this. He had a bad feeling in his stomach, but he was going to push through for his boyfriend’s sake.

Castiel rolls his eyes. “Come on, Winchester. Exercise really isn’t bad. It’s pretty good for you, I promise.” He grins, pointing out, “I am a doctor.” 

Sam couldn’t help thinking that yeah, he knew. He knew Castiel was a doctor. There was no need to remind him that Castiel was so much better than he was now. “Yeah, yeah. That doesn’t mean I have to like the exercise.” Castiel would also never know how much exercise Sam was truly doing. 

They each filled up a water bottle, walking to their local park, since there was a regular track they could go on instead of running on the street. Sam was hoping that since it was their first time, Cas wouldn’t want to go very far – he didn’t think he was going to make it very far, as well as walking back to the house. 

After a few quick stretches, the two set off at a leisurely jog. Or, at least it would have been, if Sam wasn’t so tired. The track was about a mile long, and Cas had decided he wanted them to at least go around it once. After they did it once, they could go home. 

Sam actually managed to get about halfway around the track before he physically couldn’t do it. There was something wrong. He went off to the side, leaning down and putting his hands on his knees, taking a few deep breaths. His vision was starting to go black, his hearing was extremely muffled, and he felt like he was going to puke.

Castiel only saw the heavy breathing, and he chuckles quietly, coming back to Sam and patting him on the back. “Damn, Sam, are you really that out of shape?” He teases, not realizing that there was something truly wrong. “I figured I was more out of shape than you.” 

“Something’s wrong –” Was the only thing Sam managed to mutter before he was projectile vomiting. Luckily Castiel hadn’t been standing in front of him, otherwise Sam would have vomited all over him. Sam’s shoes and track pants hadn’t been quite so lucky, though. 

Sam groans quietly, and he can hear Castiel is saying something to him, but it’s so muffled he can’t really understand what he’s saying. Sam suddenly pitches forward, Castiel just managing to grab onto his shoulders and push him backwards instead, so he didn’t land in his vomit.

Cas’ eyes were wide as soon as Sam puked. “Sam?” He asks urgently, his hand rubbing over Sam’s back. Even though the two of them may have been out of shape, there was no way such a simple jog would have caused something like this to happen to him. “Sam, can you hear me?” 

“Ah, shit.” Castiel mutters when Sam all of a sudden is falling. He knows he fainted, he knows the symptoms of fainting all too well after his experience being a doctor. He manages to catch Sam and helps to slowly lower him to the ground, making sure he doesn’t hit his head on the way down.

A passerby stops by to help, someone who had obviously also been exercising because they were out of breath and sweaty. “Should I call for help?” He asks, his eyes wide as he looks around. There were tons of other people there, why hadn’t anyone stopped to help?

Castiel shakes his head. “No.” He says quietly. “I’m a doctor, and I know him. I would like to make sure he actually needs an ambulance before calling one, because I know he would never forgive me.” He gives a small smile, looking down at Sam. “If he doesn’t wake up in the next two minutes, we’ll call for help.” 

Cas glances down at his watch, watching the seconds hand carefully to make sure it doesn’t get to be over two minutes. About sixty seconds later, Sam’s eyes start to flutter open, Castiel breathing a sigh of relief. He knew how to keep an objective head when something like this happened, but that didn’t make it any easier when it was someone he cared about who was sick. “Sam, can you hear me?” He asks quietly, cradling his head in his hand and helping to lift it up. Castiel then holds up one of their water bottles to his lips, just barely tipping it in. “Drink, please. You’re okay.” 

Sam eventually manages to pull his eyes open, looking up and seeing Castiel. He opens his mouth a little bit to allow the water to go in, the coldness soothing as it washes down his throat. Sam couldn’t remember the last time he’d just drank some water, aside from when he was going to bed. 

Sam’s hearing is slowly starting to come back, and he hears Castiel murmuring to him that he’s okay. Castiel breathes a sigh of relief when it seems like Sam is finally actually listening to him, and it looks like he’s starting to get some color back in his face. He’d been worryingly pale. 

Once Sam was finally starting to come back around, he slowly sat up with help from Castiel. He tried to grab the water bottle, then realized he was shaking too badly to take it without getting water all over himself. Not that it would be a bad thing, as he grimaces when he sees the vomit all over his pants and shoes. Those were going in the trash. “What happened?” 

Castiel kept kneeling next to Sam, keeping an arm behind him in case something happened, and he lost his balance and ended up going backward. “You fainted.” He says quietly, brushing some hair away from Sam’s forehead, sticking due to his sweating. “Do you have any idea why that might have happened? Because if you don’t, we need to get you to the hospital.” 

Sam grimaces again. There were so many people standing around them, and this wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have with an audience. Hell, he didn’t want to have this conversation at all. “Cas…”

Cas seems to know what he’s thinking, looking up at everyone. “We appreciate the concern, but he’s okay. I’m a doctor, I will be taking him home and taking care of him, and I will get him the necessary medical attention when it becomes necessary. For now, we would appreciate it if Sam could have some space and be left alone.” 

The people crowding around them looked hesitant, but a minute or so later, they had all dispersed, leaving Sam and Castiel sitting on the ground alone. Cas helps Sam move back a little further from his vomit, making Sam look at him while he brushes his hair away from his sweaty forehead again. “What’s going on? You’ve been off ever since that night Meredith was in the hospital.” He murmurs. 

Sam leans into the comforting touch, already feeling his eyes pricking with tears. “That night at the hospital, when my work called me… they fired me, Castiel.” He whispers. Castiel is shocked, obviously so, since Sam had acted like he’d still been going to work every day for weeks, even talking to Castiel about his ‘day.’ “I – I’ve still been working, I’ve just been picking up some odd jobs every day, most of them hard labor.” He can’t look Castiel in the eye, feeling too bad about lying to him. 

Castiel has many thoughts and emotions rushing through him. He feels hurt and betrayed that Sam had lied to him all this time. He’s mad at his company for firing him when he was obviously going through so much at home. He’s mostly confused, and upset, that Sam didn’t feel comfortable telling him this. “Sam… why didn’t you tell me? That also doesn’t completely explain why you fainted just now.” 

“I guess I haven’t been drinking a lot of water.” Sam admits. “I didn’t even think about it. I’ve been working out in the sun, just pushing through whenever I got thirsty… I guess I also haven’t been eating very much because I’ve been so busy.” His head is hung low in shame. “Maybe a meal a day, with some snacks. That’s all it is, though, I promise. I don’t have an eating disorder or something.” Sam feels the need to clarify that, since Castiel is a doctor, and he’s probably heard patients with eating disorders lying about things like that before. 

Castiel sighs. “I can’t believe you haven’t been taking care of yourself for three weeks now and I didn’t realize it.” He says quietly. “You also didn’t answer why you didn’t tell me that they let you go.” 

“Because I thought maybe you would think less of me now that I was unemployed.” Sam’s voice is so quiet and so sad, Castiel practically forgives him right then and there. “I feel terrible for lying to you, Cas. Every time I lied, I felt like I was going to puke. But you know, you’re this awesome doctor that people come from all over the world to see. We… we used to be equals, you know? Now we’re not. Now you’re still this awesome doctor, and I’m just… doing manual labor.” 

“Sam Winchester, we are still equals.” Castiel says quietly, tilting Sam’s chin up so his piercing blue eyes could meet the hazel. “Just because a stupid company let you go when you were having a rough time at home does not mean we’re not equals. You have all of the talents of a great accountant, Sam. I just… I just can’t believe you thought I was going to think less of you because of it.” Castiel’s voice is sad, and Sam basically just wants to throw himself off a cliff because he knows he’s the cause of that. He never wanted to cause Castiel any pain. 

“I’m so sorry, Cas.” Sam chokes out, quickly turning away so Castiel can’t see that he’s about to cry. He doesn’t deserve to cry. Not when he’d been so awful to his boyfriend. “I didn’t want to lie to you, I swear. I just wanted to make sure you would still want me. I didn’t want you to not want me anymore, because of it. And I haven’t been not taking care of myself on purpose, I swear. I just… I work all day, then I get home and I have to help my dad with Meredith. I just… didn’t have time.” 

“You save everyone, but who saves you?” Castiel murmurs again, cupping Sam’s cheek in his hand, thumb rubbing over his cheekbone. “Remember when you were making dinner that night and accidentally cut yourself, and I realized you were trying to be strong because you felt you couldn’t be weak? Sam, you’re doing that again. I am here. I am your boyfriend. It’s my job to care for you, to let you be weak. You just have to let me see it.” 

With lots of help from Castiel, because he was still feeling shaky, Sam managed to get up off the ground. “Come on. We’re going back to your house and I’m going to take care of you. Anything you need, you understand?” 

Sam practically throws his arms around Castiel, leaning down so he can press his face into his shoulder and just hide there. He’s so grateful that Cas is staying with him, even after how awful Sam was. He’s so grateful that Castiel still wants to help him and take care of him. “Thank you.” He whispers shakily. “I’m so sorry.” 

Castiel wraps his arms back around his much larger boyfriend, realizing he certainly felt skinnier than he had a couple weeks ago. He was silently kicking himself for not realizing it before. “Just don’t do it again, okay? Just let me help you. Let me take care of you before it gets to this.” 

Sam had to lean heavily on Castiel the entire time they were walking home. Cas felt stupid for not taking a car to the park, but how was he supposed to know something like this would happen? He kept looking up at Sam, realizing that slowly, he was getting more pale and sweaty. Cas knew that if Sam didn’t take it easy soon, he was going to faint once again, and that was the last thing he wanted. 

Cas got Sam back home and onto the couch just in time. Sam breathed a large sigh of relief once he could finally relax on the couch, his eyes falling shut from how tired he was. “Nuh uh.” Cas says quietly, gently shaking Sam’s shoulder. “You can’t fall asleep yet. We need to get some food and water into you first.” Cas started with the water, getting a glass of cold water and bringing it to Sam. 

John was sitting in the kitchen. He had seen the two of them coming in, worried when he saw Sam leaning on Castiel. He didn’t have the chance to ask before Cas was depositing him onto the couch and getting him a glass of water, but when he came back into the kitchen, John said quickly, “What happened?” 

Castiel sighs. “He bit off more than he could chew once again. With those odd jobs he’s been working, he hasn’t been thinking about eating or drinking water. He also hasn’t been sleeping much. Then when he comes home, he helps take care of Meredith, so he still hasn’t thought about himself. Basically, it’s once again Sam taking care of everyone, and him not telling anyone that he needs help taking care of himself. He fainted while we were running. Don’t worry, I’m taking care of him.” 

John’s eyes turned sad. He never even thought about it. He knew Sam had been working some odd jobs, but he figured he was eating throughout the day. Sam had never once complained, so John had no idea how much he was struggling. “I’m a shit father.” He says with a hollow chuckle. 

Castiel shakes his head. “If you’re a shit father, then I’m an even shittier boyfriend. You know Sam. He doesn’t like to be a burden or a hindrance on anyone. He’s a great actor, as you know. There was no way for us to know. We can’t blame ourselves, we just have to focus on getting him better and making sure he’s being taken care of all the time, whether it’s by us or himself.” 

John knows Castiel is right. “I’ll start something quick for dinner, so he can eat soon.” Castiel goes to walk out of the room, but John’s voice calling him stops him before he can. “Castiel?” He pauses. “Thank you. For taking care of him.” 

A small smile forms on Castiel’s face, nodding as he walks back into the living room to be with Sam. 

Meredith had been sitting on the floor of the kitchen while John and Castiel talked. She could tell they were talking about Sam because something was wrong with him – then she heard her name, and something about Sam taking care of her. Meredith knew she was a part of it. She was a part of whatever had happened to her Sammy, because she went to him much more often now. Meredith knew that needed to stop.

She crawled to the living room, seeing Sam laying on the couch, his eyes mostly closed as he continued to sip from the water Castiel had given him. Even she noticed his skin tone was much paler than she was used to, and although she didn’t understand exactly everything that was happening, she felt awful. 

Meredith stayed silent as she watched Sam for a few moments, before slowly crawling over to the side of the couch. She grips his wrist with her hand, bringing his hand to her mouth so she can kiss the back of it, before dropping it.

Sam looks down, a smile forming on his face when he sees Meredith there. “Hi, sweetheart.” He coos. Even though taking care of Meredith was something that had distracted him from taking care of himself, he wouldn’t have traded that for the world. He loved taking care of her. “You want to come snuggle with Sammy?” He asks gently.

She almost nodded and reached her hands up for him, then remembered that she couldn’t do that. She was part of the problem. She was something that had hurt her Sammy. Meredith’s eyes turn sad as she looks down, shaking her head, going to crawl back into the kitchen, where John was heating up some leftovers.

Sam watched her, confused when she shook her head, especially when he saw how sad she looked. He watched her go, his own eyes sad when she refused to snuggle with him. “What…?” Sam asks Castiel quietly, Castiel shrugging his shoulders to show he didn’t know. 

“Perhaps it’s a good thing, Sam.” Castiel reminds him quietly, thanking John as he hands him a plate of food and a fork, so he could feed Sam. “You need to get your strength back up before you continue picking her up and carrying her around. John and Dean can handle it without you for a couple days. Speaking of a couple days, you’re staying here. You’re not going out and doing those ‘odd jobs’ or whatever the heck you were doing.” 

“Yeah, maybe Dean and dad can handle it, but can Meredith go a couple days without me taking care of her?” Sam asks quietly. He didn’t mean it in a conceited way, because he knew Meredith loved Dean and his dad just as much as him, but they did share that special bond. “And why did she look so sad if she truly didn’t want me to hold her just now?” 

Castiel sighs. “Shh.” He says softly to Sam, getting some of the food on the fork and bringing it to Sam’s mouth. “For now, it’s time that you focus on yourself for a little while.”

Sam groans when Castiel brings the fork to his mouth but opens his mouth to be fed nonetheless. “You know, just because I fainted today doesn’t mean I’m incapable of feeding myself.” He says while chewing.

“You shouldn’t chew with your mouth open, you know.” Castiel reminds him, though there’s a small smile on his face at the same time. He knew Sam wasn’t incapable. He just wanted him to know Cas was truly there to take care of him and help him when he needed it. 

A few minutes later, the door was opening, and in walked Dean. He was still a little dirty from working at the shop, but he’d cleaned up as best he could for dinner. “Hey, everyone.” He greets, going into the kitchen where he can smell food cooking.

Almost immediately, he’s greeted by Meredith reaching her arms up to him – and on her face she has one of the saddest looks he’s ever seen. Dean is immediately frowning, scooping her up into his arms and cuddling her close. “What’s wrong, princess?” He coos, cradling the back of her head in his hand. Dean could feel that she needed to be changed, but he could also tell that wasn’t the reason she was acting like this – it wasn’t consistent with all the other times she’d needed to be changed. “How about we go up and get you changed, hmm?” 

Dean carries Meredith up to the nursery, laying her down on the changing table. He grabs a fresh diaper (John having found some extras hidden away in a forgotten diaper bag) and some wipes, still cooing to Meredith in an attempt to cheer her up, but it doesn’t seem to be working. “What’s wrong, baby?” Dean finally asks, hovering over her once he finishes getting her all changed. He leans down to kiss her forehead, a frown still present on his face. “Are you just sad? Or did something happen?” 

“Sammy hurt.” Meredith says quietly, causing Dean’s eyes to widen a little bit. But then he relaxed, knowing that if there was something truly wrong with Sam, he would’ve heard about it. Perhaps something small had just happened and Meredith had found out, and she was worried about him. “Me bad.” She whispers the last part so quietly, Dean almost misses it. 

That part took Dean by surprise. “You’re bad?” He asks gently, cupping her face in his hand, his thumb stroking by her eye. “Why do you think you’re bad, honey? Do you think you had something to do with Sammy getting hurt?” 

Meredith whimpers, but looks down. “No tell Sammy.” The last thing she wanted to do was let Sam know that she felt bad, because she knew he would try to convince her it wasn’t her fault – when it most definitely was. 

Dean really doesn’t want to agree to it, but he knows for Meredith’s sake, he has to. “Okay, baby. I won’t tell Sammy.” He promises. Dean sighs, looking away for one second to grab her pacifier, and by the time he looks back, it’s like she’s a completely different person. He raises an eyebrow, saying quietly, “Mer?” 

There was no reaction, no recognition, no nothing. She had regressed back into her infant state, which had Dean worried. On good days, she was regressed to a toddler, and it seemed like lately that was the only age she was regressed to. In fact, he couldn’t really remember the last time she was regressed to an infant. It was obviously bothering her a lot. Now he was really regretting promising to her that he wouldn’t say anything, because how was he supposed to explain the sudden shift in her mental age? 

Dean scoops her up from the changing table, quickly putting his hand behind her head. He’d forgotten what it was like for her to be regressed so little, for her to not help him at all with holding her or picking her up. It was like she couldn’t even hold her head up. Dean kept his hand on the back of her head, kissing her forehead gently. “It’s okay, baby.” He whispers. “I know Sammy isn’t upset with you.” 

Dean heads back downstairs slowly, making sure he had a good grip on Meredith before he got started. The last thing they needed was for any accidents to happen when she had just gotten out of the hospital so recently, and now apparently something was wrong with Sam. Dean goes into the living room to where Cas is feeding Sam, and he raises an eyebrow. “What happened?” 

Sam sighs. “I’ve been so busy the past few days that I’ve been working out in the sun and have forgotten to drink, and I haven’t been eating much… Cas and I went on a run today and I fainted. I’m fine, really. Cas is just being overprotective as usual.” 

Cas rolls his eyes, even though there’s a fond smile on his face because he can hear the teasing tone in Sam’s voice. “Just had to make sure you’re okay.” He says quietly. “Scared the shit out of me when all of a sudden you were falling, and I had no idea why.” 

Dean was still confused as to why Meredith would think any of this was her fault, or why she was so upset about it, but he didn’t say anything. Sam looked to the girl in Dean’s arms, noting how her face was hidden in his neck. “She fall asleep?” 

He thought about lying and saying yes, but that would only come back to bite his ass in the end. So, he shakes his head. “Ah, no. She… regressed.” He says quietly. 

Sam sits up quickly when he realizes what Dean means. “Wait. You mean she’s back to an infant stage?” He questions, looking worriedly over at Castiel, who also looked a little apprehensive at it. “What happened?” 

Dean looks down. “She’s worried about you.” He says quietly. Technically, he hadn’t really broken his promise. He didn’t tell Sam she felt like she was to blame for it. 

A small whimper escapes her lips, and Dean helps her to lift her head and look around. Meredith looks over to where the voice had been coming from, torn between what she wanted. She wanted Sam, but at the same time, her little mind was reeling because she felt guilty even just looking at him. 

There were so many emotions flooding through her, and her mind was so little, that it was completely overwhelming. She had no words, no way to even start to show what she was thinking – so instead, she just cried. 

Dean’s eyes widened when all of a sudden, she was practically sobbing into his chest, and he cradles her close to him. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” He says soothingly, his eyes sad as he looks over to Sam and Cas. “I’m right here, baby. It’s okay, I promise. You want to go to Sammy? I know he’d love to snuggle you.” 

Sam could tell there was a second meaning behind Dean’s words. He could tell there was something that had upset Meredith, something to do with him, and that’s why Dean was asking. Sam nodded, sitting up more, despite Castiel’s protests. “Come here, baby.” He says soothingly, reaching out for her. 

Dean gently places her into Sam’s arms, and Sam winces when the crying just seems to get harder. He doesn’t know if this was a good idea or not. “It’s okay, sweetheart…” Sam coos, his fingers stroking through her hair. “It’s okay, I’ve got you. I’ve got you, princess. Everything’s okay, honey.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, this chapter is shorter than I usually make them, but I wanted to get you guys at least something since it's been so long since I posted. I'm so sorry guys, college, work, and events are making my life so hectic I've hardly even had time to write. Hope you guys are still interested and that you can forgive me!
> 
> This chapter is SUPER riddled with angst. Trigger warnings for self harm stuff. It doesn't actually happen, but it's talked about and all that sort of thing. It also gets rather fluffy, so.
> 
> Also, my new kink is John saying "Sometimes a girl just needs her daddy." lmaooo, but for real, loved that line, not to toot my own horn.
> 
> Comments & kudos feed the muse!

Castiel moved off the couch so Sam could lay down, Meredith still held in his arms. He settles them so he’s laying on the couch on his back with Meredith laying on top of him, her face right around his shoulder and upper chest. He’s still so confused as to what was happening, what was wrong, why she was upset because of something to do with him.

One of Meredith’s hands was clinging to his shirt desperately, so tight her knuckles were starting to turn white. But every so often, her grip would let go, like she knew she shouldn’t be clinging to him how she was. Then a minute later it would be back to gripping his shirt as tightly as she could manage.

Sam swallows hard, one hand still moving through her hair; using it as a way to keep her head from falling backwards as well. He looks at Dean and Castiel in concern, eyes sad as he glances back down to Meredith. “How long has she been crying now?” He asks quietly.

Castiel glances down at his watch from where he’s sitting in the armchair on the other side of the room. “Twenty minutes now.” He says quietly, but loudly enough that Sam can hear him. There hasn’t even been a change in her crying, she hadn’t quieted down or slowed down at all. “Something’s really wrong.” 

Sam saw Dean sitting on the other side of the room as well, looking rather uncomfortable. He had a feeling Dean knew more than he was letting on – that he knew why she had regressed like this, and just wasn’t telling them, which was frustrating Sam to no end. “Okay, Dean. It’s been twenty minutes and she’s in so much distress she’s turning red. Why aren’t you telling me what happened?” 

“Because I can’t, Sam!” Dean says desperately, running his fingers through his hair. “Because she made me promise not to tell you and I promised her I wouldn’t. If she finds out I broke the promise, she’d never forgive me. She’d never trust me again.” 

About this time John comes back inside from whatever he’d just been doing outside, ducking into the living room immediately when he hears his little girl crying so hard. “What happened?” He asks breathlessly, eyes wide when he looks at the three of them just sitting there, Meredith crying so hard into Sam’s chest. 

“She regressed back to her infant stage because something is wrong. Something to do with me, dad. Something I did upset her so much that she regressed back to her infant state, and Dean knows what it is, but he won’t tell me because he promised Meredith he wouldn’t.” Sam’s voice is distressed and frustrated, but John knows his son well enough to know he’s just covering up his fear. 

“I really don’t know what it was, Sam.” Dean says quickly. “I just know what her reasoning behind being sad is. I don’t know what it was specifically that made her upset, and when she told me, I was confused as to why she’d be upset with it.”

John crosses over to where Sam and Meredith are on the couch, scooping Meredith up in his arms. He holds his hand on the back of her neck to support her head, cradling her in his arms, almost in the fetal position.

Once she’s settled into John’s chest and she smells him, realizing it’s that smell she’d known for so long now – the smell of someone who’d almost never done wrong by her, the one who gave her the chance at life and love, Meredith started to simmer down. Her cries turned to whimpers, which eventually turned to sniffles. “Sometimes a girl just needs her daddy.” John says softly, rubbing her back gently. “I’ve got you, sweet girl. You’re okay. You stay in there as long as you need, okay? We’ll be right here waiting for our little girl to come back to us.”

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when Meredith finally quieted down. It was always stressful on all of them to have a crying baby, especially because they knew how much distress she was in and they couldn’t do anything about it. “Alright, Dean. Come with me to the kitchen, please.” 

Dean groans quietly as he gets up, following John and Meredith into the kitchen. “Dad… I really don’t know as much as Sam let on. Meredith hardly said anything to me. She just made me promise not to tell Sam, so I can’t.” 

While Dean is trying to explain himself, John is wandering around the kitchen making a bottle for Meredith. Once it’s done and warmed up, John sits down in a kitchen chair and positions Meredith, so he can feed her. She snuggled up into his arms, a hiccup escaping every so often as a result of her crying, opening her mouth for the bottle when John brings it up to her lips. “Okay, so she made you promise not to tell Sam. But you can tell me, and I can tell Sam.” 

Dean felt kind of dirty, knowing they were finding a loophole in something Meredith was so upset about, but at the same time he felt a little relieved. He could just tell John, and technically she wouldn’t know. If she could even understand it, John could just say he heard it through the baby monitor. Dean nods his head. “Like I said, she didn’t really tell me anything. She looked so sad while I was changing her diaper, so I was asking her what was wrong, not really expecting an answer. Then she just said Sammy was hurt, then said she was bad. I asked her why she thought she was bad, if she felt like Sam getting hurt was her fault, and she just made me promise not to tell Sam, then after I promised, she regressed.” 

John frowns, looking down at Meredith while she eats. Her eyes are closed as she happily drinks down the warmth, enjoying how it feels against her raw throat. “That doesn’t make any sense.” He says quietly. “She knew Sam was hurt, but why would she think it was her fault?”

Dean shrugs, sighing. “I have no idea.” He says quietly. “Like I said, I couldn’t get much out of her. She hardly said anything, then she just… regressed. I’d turned away for one second to grab her pacifier and when I looked back, she was gone.” 

About this time, Sam and Castiel approach the doorway of the kitchen. Castiel had wanted Sam to stay on the couch longer, but Sam said he was feeling better and he needed to figure out what was going on. 

“Sam, before Dean got home, did you notice anything different about Mer?” John asks, looking from the girl in his arms to his youngest son. 

Sam’s thinking back, silent for a moment before he nods his head. “She crawled up to me while I was on the couch and kissed my hand… I asked her if she wanted to snuggle with me, and I thought she was going to say yes, but then she just looked really sad and shook her head and came back into the kitchen where you were.” 

When Sam starts talking, Meredith whimpers quietly, but she doesn’t open her eyes. John shushes her, hoping that if she just focuses on the bottle that they can get through this without another breakdown or panic attack. “What happened right before that?” John muses, trying to figure out exactly when that had been.

“You and I were in the kitchen.” Castiel says quietly. “Meredith was in the kitchen with us. You asked what happened to Sam and I told you everything – that he’d been working those jobs and not eating, and that when he came home he took care of Meredith, so he still wasn’t taking care of himself.” He pauses. “She must have put two and two together in her mind, figuring that Sam was hurt and she was the cause of it, since she heard her name.” 

Sam felt his heart breaking when he realizes Castiel must be right. “So, when she came and kissed my hand, it was probably her form of an apology… then I asked if she wanted to cuddle, and instinctively she was going to say yes, then realized she shouldn’t.” He quickly rubs his eyes, making sure that none of the tears threatening to escape actually do so.

Now Sam felt even worse. All of this was his fault. Castiel getting upset with him earlier, the whole fainting episode itself, and now Meredith so upset and feeling like she was to blame, like she was unable to go to Sam, was all his fault. If only he’d just told Castiel that he’d been fired. If only he hadn’t forgotten to eat and drink water. Sam’s stomach was churning, kind of how it was earlier, but this time it had nothing to do with him fainting. “I’m the worst—” Sam chokes out, turning on his heel and going up to his room.

“Sam—” Castiel says quickly when Sam mutters those three words, reaching a hand out to his boyfriend. Sam just shrugs him off and practically runs up the stairs, Castiel’s eyes turning sad as he watches him. “I’m gonna go…” He gestures to the stairs, both John and Dean nodding.

Castiel goes up the stairs to Sam’s room, where the door had been slammed shut just moments prior. “Sam?” He asks softly, gently knocking on the door. “Sam, it’s me… can I come in? Please?” 

There’s silence from the other side of the door, Castiel sighing as he leans his forehead against it. “Sam, no one’s upset with you.” He says soothingly, his hand on the doorknob. “I know you’re banging yourself up about it, but you don’t need to. Please, love, just let me come in.” 

Castiel sighs once again when he’s only met with silence. He slowly turns the doorknob, and to his surprise, it opens. He steps inside, glancing around for a second in confusion, because he doesn’t see Sam right away. Then he sees a little tuft of hair, realizing Sam was sitting against the far side of his bed. “I’m in here, Sam.” He says quietly, not wanting to startle him.

Castiel jolts, his whole world turned upside down, when he moved around the bed to be on the side where Sam was. Where Sam was clutching a little tiny knife in his fist, just staring blankly at it. “Sam.” He breathes out quietly, immediately kneeling in front of him. Castiel’s hand closes over Sam’s fist where he’s clutching it, rubbing his thumb over Sam’s knuckles. “Sam, let go of the knife, please.”

“You know how ever since we started dating, I refused to let you see me change even though you’ve changed in front of me multiple times?” Sam says quietly, his eyes never moving from it. “I didn’t want you thinking I was abused or something.” 

Closing his eyes for a moment, Castiel breathes slowly out of his nose when he realizes what Sam is talking about. “It’s okay, Sam.” He says quietly. “Your scars are what make you, you. It’s in the past now. Please don’t let it start again.”

“I’m awful, Castiel.” Sam says quietly, clearing his throat. “This is all my fault. If I’d just told you I’d gotten fired, if I hadn’t taken those jobs, if I hadn’t forgotten to eat and drink water… none of this would have happened. Now you’re pissed off at me, I’m sick, and Meredith thinks she can’t come to me anymore, and it upset her so much she regressed back to her infant stage. All of this is my fault.” 

Castiel shakes his head. “You’re not awful, Sam. I’m not pissed off at you. Sure, at first, I was confused and hurt as to why you would lie to me, but I get it. We’re going to get you healthy again, and I’m sure you’ll fix things with Meredith in a short matter of time. I promise everything will work out. Just give that to me, and we can stay here for a while, and you can hide from the world until dinner tonight. How’s that sound?” 

Sam stays silent for a few moments before finally nodding his head. He hands over the pocket knife to his boyfriend, who breathes a quiet sigh of relief and sticks it in his pocket. Sam then places his head in his hands, Cas’ arms coming to wrap around him, pulling Sam to his chest. “I’ve got you.” Cas murmurs quietly in Sam’s ear, holding him in a tight, restricted grip. “Sam, I know you’re worried about what I’ll think if I see your scars, but I just want you to know that I think you’re beautiful no matter what. Your secret is safe with me, okay? I won’t tell anyone. I just need you to know that you can come to me any time with anything you need.” 

Sam gives him a little smile, not moving from his spot all curled up in Castiel’s chest. That’s where they stay for the next couple hours. Cas’ butt is going numb from sitting on the floor, his arms a little achy from how tight they are around Sam, but he wouldn’t change a thing. Sam is finally calming down, finally starting to hate himself a little less – and that’s exactly what Castiel wants. 

“Sammy!” Dean calls from the bottom of the stairs towards the end of the silent time Cas and Sam got to spend together. “I need you to come out here for a minute!” It sounds urgent, which has Sam up and out of Castiel’s arms in the matter of just a few seconds, quickly throwing open his door.

He was about to stride out of the room when he (thankfully) happened to look down, seeing Meredith sitting right in front of his door, looking desolate. “Baby.” Sam breathes out quietly, kneeling next to her. “Did you come out of your regression, sweet pea?” He asks softly, bringing his hand to smooth her hair back from her forehead.

The only answer Sam gets is another sad look and a whimper from Meredith, taking a few minutes before she finally whispers, “Sammy…” He knew she had to have come out of the infant regression, otherwise she wouldn’t be sitting up in front of his door on her own, but it was always good to double check.

“Oh, sweet girl.” Sam whispers, immediately scooping Meredith up in his arms to snuggle her into his chest. “Oh, sweetheart. I’m so sorry you thought it was something to do with you. Me being hurt had absolutely nothing to do with you, okay? I love taking care of you, I love being able to snuggle you and put you down for naps and give you bottles. Please don’t be upset, baby. I love you so much.” 

Meredith whimpers again, one fist coming to clutch Sam’s shirt, her head dropping down onto Sam’s shoulder while she hides her face in the crook of his neck. Her mouth is open, and Sam can feel her hot breath against his neck, can feel how rapid her breathing is and how upset she is. Meredith hadn’t wanted to come out of that regression. She had wanted to stay as an infant for a long time, because she didn’t want to deal with this. Meredith knew she couldn’t go through life if Sam was upset with her or if she had done something to hurt Sam. She just couldn’t. “S-Sammy…”

“I’ve got you, I’ve got you, baby.” Sam repeats quietly, cradling her head to his chest as he comes back into his room and sits down on the bed with her; rocking her back and forth. “You’re okay, I promise… I love you, so much. You know that? You’re my precious little girl.” 

Meredith desperately nods her head in agreement. Even though she would always be John’s little girl first, she was still Sam and Dean’s little girl as well. Her little family of three meant everything to her, and she couldn’t bear it if any of them were upset with her, no matter what the reason was. “L-love Sammy…” She whimpers, clinging tighter to his shirt.

“There’s my girl.” Sam whispers, kissing Meredith’s forehead gently. “How about we get you into a bath, huh?” Sam coos, making Meredith look up at him hopefully. “Does a bath sound good, honey? Get you all nice and clean?”

When Meredith nods her head, Sam scoops her up and settles her on his hip, going into the nursery to get a new diaper and a new onesie. Once they got the bath all set up, Sam lowered Meredith into the water, smiling at the small sounds she makes when he does so. 

Due to how much Meredith had been splashing around in the water as of late, Sam put some towels down on the floor around the bathtub and pulled his shirt off. This wasn’t the first time he’d been shirtless in front of Meredith, since he’d bathed her many times before. However, this was the first time he hadn’t given her a toy before he pulled his shirt off, so Meredith was still watching him with interest when the article of clothing came off.

Meredith frowned upon seeing all these little marks all over Sam’s chest and especially his tummy. She didn’t quite understand what they were, but she realized some of them looked a lot like hers from the few times her old caretakers had deliberately hurt her. “Sammy hurt?” Meredith asks quietly.

Sam raises an eyebrow in confusion as to why Meredith would ask that, until he realizes she’s staring at his stomach. “Oh, no, baby.” He says reassuringly. Meredith takes his hand and touches it to one of the long marks along his stomach, then brings his hand to one that matches it, frowning up at him. “I’m okay, baby.” Sam promises gently. “Just like you’re okay. Neither one of us are ever going to be hurt ever again, isn’t that right?” 

Meredith nods her head, but her eyes are still sad upon hearing Sam had been hurt too. Sam doesn’t like the way she’s still sad, so instead he leans forward and starts to tickle her tummy. Meredith squeals, starting to squirm around in the bathtub. 

Within the matter of just a few seconds, both John and Dean are in the bathroom, their eyes wide. “We heard a noise—” John says breathlessly, getting cut off when he sees the large smile on Meredith’s face. That noise… that hadn’t been a noise of pain or sadness. That had been a noise of happiness. That was a squeal. 

All three Winchesters had the same conclusion about the same time, all of them grinning up at each other when they realized that was the first loud sound of content they’d heard from Meredith since adopting her so long ago. All three of them kneeled on the floor, leaning forward to smother her in love and kisses, wanting her to know what a good girl she was for finally letting them hear her happiness as more than just a giggle. 

When the bath was done, and Sam got her all changed into her diaper and onesie, Meredith was getting sleepy. Sam knew that with one more warm bottle, she’d be out for the night, even if Meredith didn’t want to admit how tired she was. As it was, she was only slowly sucking on her pacifier, completely content to just lay there in Sam’s arms.

Sam brought her downstairs, planning to make her a bottle. He walks into the kitchen, but as he walks by the doorway of the living room, Meredith sees John and whines, starting to squirm in Sam’s arms. “What’s wrong, baby?” Sam coos, stopping in his tracks right as he gets into the kitchen.

“Daddy.” Meredith whimpers quietly. She loved being with Sam, and she loved being with Dean, but recently she hadn’t really gotten to spend any time with John. She missed her daddy. She needed him. 

“You want to go to daddy?” Sam asks softly, going into the living room where John was laying on the couch, watching a random program on TV. Even as Sam walked into the living room he could see John was nodding off, but that was okay. 

Walking toward the couch, Sam gently transfers Meredith from his arms to where she could lay on John’s chest. He briefly wakes up, his arms circling around her instinctively from the moment he first felt her weight being placed on him. Meredith nuzzled her nose into his neck, which caused a sleepy smile to form on John’s face. He presses a kiss to her forehead, his eyes falling shut once more.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at me, getting 2 parts out in a couple days! Sorry for the other stuff I've been neglecting - I just only have so much time currently, haha. 
> 
> Trigger warning for lots of puke, seizures, and lots and lots of angst. 
> 
> Also, remember when I said super earlier in the notes that when Meredith isn't regressed she and Dean are going to have a special connection kind of like her and Sam while she's regressed? Just...... there's some new happenings!!
> 
> Hope you guys like it, your comments on the last part inspired me to write more so soon, and I really enjoy this chapter, so I hope you guys do too! Comments & kudos feed the muse <3

A sick baby was no fun. A sick baby stressed everyone out – and they had a very sick baby on their hands. It was the dead of the night when John suddenly woke up to a loud sound from the baby monitor. He furrows his eyebrows, rolling over in bed to face the monitor and waited for a moment to see if the noise would happen again.

Then, it happened again. It was a noise John couldn’t quite place, but he knew he’d heard it before. He gets up and pulls on a t-shirt and pair of sweatpants, wandering into the nursery and flicking the light on. “Mer?” He calls softly, rubbing his eyes.

John’s eyes widen, and he immediately rushes to the crib when he sees Meredith laying on her back, projectile vomiting. He rushes to get the side of the crib down, sitting her up and patting her back to make sure it all got out, that she hadn’t accidentally swallowed or aspirated any of it while laying on her back. 

Meredith’s nose started running, and she instinctively reached her hand up to wipe it. John quickly pushes her hand away, knowing she’s just going to get herself even more messy. “It’s okay, baby.” He coos quietly, for now just wiping it with his hand. He grimaces at how gross that is, and wipes it on his shirt, but he doesn’t have time to think of that now. “Okay, baby. Okay.” John keeps cooing to her, rubbing her back as she starts to finally stop throwing up. “There you go… just let it all out, daddy’s here. Daddy’s got you.” 

Most of the time John basically forgot that Meredith wasn’t an infant. That she was actually an adult, just stuck with a baby’s mind. He never really thought of it, he just thought of her as his baby girl. Then something makes him have that realization once again – this time it’s just how much puke is now in the bottom of her crib and all over her front. 

John really thought there couldn’t be anything left in Meredith’s stomach with how much she had just puked, but as he was placing himself in front of her (not sitting down on the crib, of course) to wipe her mouth off, she suddenly gagged again, puke going all down his shirt. John grimaces again, taking a deep breath so he doesn’t puke himself; reminding himself that he’d dealt with this many times before when Sam and Dean were growing up. 

He doesn’t pull his shirt off, not knowing if she was going to puke again in just a few minutes. Instead he wipes his shirt off as best he can, and when he gets most of it off, it at least dries fairly quickly. Meredith isn’t so lucky, though, because there was so much of it all over her. “You’re okay, darling.” John says softly, gently kissing the side of her head. “I’ve got you.” 

The two of them sit there for a few moments, wanting to make sure she wasn’t about to puke again. When five minutes pass and Meredith was starting to relax a little bit, he figured he was probably in the clear – for a few minutes, anyway. 

John wipes Meredith’s onesie off as best he can before giving up, instead just unzipping it and lifting her out of it, placing it in a ball on the bottom of Meredith’s crib. He knows he needs to deal with that soon, otherwise the smell is going to be awful, but Meredith came first. 

Once she’s settled on his hip in just her diaper, John carries her to the bathroom, groaning quietly when he sees the door’s closed. “Sam, Dean, whoever’s in there, I need in there right now.” John says urgently, but quietly – seeing as the other brother was obviously still sleeping. 

Dean opens the door just a few seconds later, eyes widening when he sees the state the two of them are in. John has puke all down his front, Meredith has puke all over her in general, her cheeks are flushed, and her eyes are glassy. “Shit, dad, what happened?” He asks breathlessly, moving aside so John can bring her into the bathroom. 

“Woke up when I heard something in the nursery, and she was puking everywhere.” John says quietly, setting Meredith down on the counter. He grabs a washcloth and wets it with warm water, gently cleaning Meredith up of all of the puke on her. “Dean, can you go make her a bottle of water?” 

Dean disappears from the bathroom, John grabbing the temporal thermometer. He runs it over Meredith’s forehead, sighing when he sees she has a temperature of 103.7. He grabs some medicine and places it in their medicine dropper, waiting until he can hear Dean coming back up the stairs. “Open up, sweet pea.” John coos, waiting until Meredith opens her mouth for the medicine. 

Dean comes back into the bathroom right as Meredith is finishing the medicine, handing the bottle to John. Meredith opens her mouth to whine at the taste, but John places the bottle in right away, letting her suck down some of the water to get the taste from her mouth. “I think we should get her in a t-shirt and just leave her bottom half with only her diaper. She’s got a high temperature. If she gets cold, we can wrap her in a blanket or something.” John says to Dean, who disappears from the bathroom to go grab a t-shirt.

“My poor girl.” John coos, which Meredith whimpers in agreement to. “You’re feeling pretty icky, huh? Well, don’t you worry. I’m going to be with you all night, helping you to feel better. You’re not going back in your crib tonight.”

Dean comes back from the nursery a few minutes later, holding a t-shirt, his eyes wide. “Did you see how much is in her crib?” He asks, handing the t-shirt to John.

John sighs, nodding his head. “Yeah. I was there for most of it. Hence why I also got thrown up on.” He gives Meredith a gentle smile, so she knows he isn’t mad, pulling the shirt over her head and kissing her sweaty forehead. He can even feel how warm she is just from doing that. “I’m going to have to clean that up, but I don’t want to leave her alone.” 

Shaking his head, Dean grimaces. “I got it. She probably won’t want you to leave her. I’ll just gather up the sheets and her pajamas and throw them all in the wash.” He pauses. “And make sure I get everything out of her mattress, otherwise we’re never going to get the smell out of there.”

Smiling gratefully at his son, John scoops Meredith up and sets her on his hip again, placing the bottle against her mouth once more so she can get a few more sips of water. “Thank you, Dean.” He says quietly, exiting the bathroom and bringing Meredith into his room – hoping she wasn’t going to puke in his bed. John grabs his trash can from the corner of his bedroom, knowing it might be in vain since she didn’t know how to tell him she was about to puke, but he could at least try to keep it out of his bed, and off him. 

John sets Meredith down on the bed gently, stepping over to his closet. Meredith immediately starts whining, making grabby hands and outstretching her arms to him. “Shh, baby, I’m just getting a new shirt, okay? I’ll be right there, I promise.” This doesn’t appease Meredith, continuing to whine. John finds a new shirt as fast as possible, knowing if she gets too worked up, she could puke again. He places the shirt on, going to sit down on his bed with his back against the headboard, pulling Meredith up into his chest so she can snuggle. 

He realized just how bad Meredith felt when she didn’t even want to snuggle, trying to squirm out of his arms once he pulled her into his chest. She was sweating furiously, even though John had grabbed a cool washcloth to wipe her forehead, neck and shoulders with. It seemed like it wasn’t even helping. 

John could hear movement in the nursery, then the sound of the washer running. He was grateful to Dean for stepping up to the plate, getting things cleaned up so John could take care of Meredith like she needed. 

It was a long night. John didn’t get a wink of sleep. Meredith hardly got any either – maybe an hour at most, and that was with frequently waking up because she felt so sick. John was constantly trying to keep her comfortable, trying to make sure she wasn’t too hot or too cold, and of course, cleaning up puke every so often. 

About 5:00, it seemed like Meredith wasn’t going to be getting anymore sleep. John had also completely given up on it, so he scoops Meredith up and taking her down to the kitchen, so he can get coffee started. He also gets Meredith another bottle of water and gives her a little more medicine. He hadn’t taken her temperature since that first time the night before, which in retrospect, probably wasn’t a good thing. 

Meredith was so out of it, mostly just clinging to John as best she could, her chin resting on his shoulder. Her eyes are wide open, but it’s obvious she’s not really paying attention to anything. She’s just kind of there. 

John frowns when he feels like Meredith is getting warmer by the minute as they’re standing there. He’d been giving her medicine around the clock, so that shouldn’t still be happening, right? He made a mental note to ask Dean or Sam to go get some stronger medicine whenever one of them woke up. 

A few minutes later, he heard footsteps moving around upstairs. Just because of how well he knows them, he can tell it’s Sam moving around up there, going into the bathroom. He knew a couple minutes later, Sam would be coming down the stairs to normally start a pot of coffee – but today he’d just be able to grab a cup, since John had already made one.

John had luckily just set his coffee cup down on the table when Meredith’s entire frame went rigid in his arms. He realized right away what was about to happen, but he was unable to get her to the floor in time. Meredith started seizing right there in his arms, feeling like she was practically on fire from how high her temperature was. “Sam!” John yells urgently. “Sam, I need you down here right now!” 

Half a second later, Sam is sprinting down the stairs, and Dean’s not too far behind him. Sam still had no idea about what was happening – Dean at least had a little knowledge that Meredith was sick, but no one thought it was this sick. 

Just barely managing to set her on the floor gingerly, John keeps his hand under head, so she doesn’t hit it on the floor. “Sam, call Castiel right now! Dean, I need you to get some ice packs from the freezer and bring them here. Her temperature’s so high it’s causing a seizure.” 

The brothers scramble to do their duties, Sam getting Castiel on the phone in just a few moments and Dean grabbing the ice packs. John strategically places them on the back of Meredith’s neck, one on her side, and one near her feet. It was about the best he could do considering the circumstances.

“Castiel was already on his way to come see us.” Sam says quickly. “So, he’s a minute away. He said he’ll assess when he gets here, and that if we can get her temperature down quickly enough, we can probably avoid a hospital visit.”

After hanging up with Castiel, Sam runs to the bathroom to grab a bunch of washcloths, soaking them all in cool water. Dean also finds a couple more ice packs stored in the back of the freezer, and they set about getting Meredith cooled down as fast as they can. By the time three minutes came around, Meredith had finally stopped seizing, but still didn’t open her eyes. 

Castiel lets himself in as soon as he gets there, going into the kitchen where everyone is. Sam had grabbed their temporal thermometer when he grabbed all the washcloths, so he quickly hands it to Castiel, who swipes it across Meredith’s forehead, frowning when he sees she’s still not responsive. “103.1.” Castiel says quietly, looking up to John. “Because she had a seizure, I’m going to have to assume her temperature had gotten up at over 105. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to assess any amount of brain damage, because of her regressed state, so even if we did take her to the emergency room, they wouldn’t know how badly the fever and the seizure had affected her. For now, her fever isn’t in dangerous levels anymore. If it goes up again, I would definitely say hospital. But, for now, it’s up to you.” 

John sighs. He doesn’t want to put Meredith through an even more stressful environment if he doesn’t have to, but what if he makes the wrong choice and it ends up hurting her? Then again, Castiel was a doctor and he was saying he didn’t necessarily have to take her, so John knew it must be safe. If there were big doubts in Castiel’s mind, he would have suggested the hospital right away. Castiel didn’t mess around with his patients’ safety. 

“I’d like to keep her home for now.” John says quietly, looking back up at Castiel. “But we’ll take her temperature every fifteen minutes, get stronger medicine, and make sure it doesn’t go up at all. If it goes up even a little bit, we’re going to the hospital.” 

“Dad, she’s waking up.” Dean says quietly. He’d been sitting on the floor by Meredith’s head, her head in his lap, gently stroking her hair. “You’re okay, Mer.” Dean coos soothingly, continuing to stroke her hair, knowing she probably had a headache now. “Everything’s okay. We’re going to get you feeling better soon, okay? Promise.” 

************

So confused. Meredith was so, so confused. She woke up on something hard, something that was most likely a floor… but her head was on some other surface, and someone was playing with her hair. Meredith tried to get her mind to work with her body, so she could turn, or move, or do anything, but nothing was cooperating. 

It took a few more moments before she realized there were voices talking to her. Took her longer to recognize any of the sounds as words. Telling her she’s okay, that they’re here for her. Who’s there for her? She recognizes the voices, but she doesn’t know.

John watches her a little worriedly when he sees she’s there, but she’s not really seeing anything, and she’s certainly not moving. “Alright, sweetheart.” He says softly, gently scooping her up into his arms. “Let’s get you changed, and all settled, yeah? We’ll get you some more medicine and a bottle and we’ll snuggle in the living room.” 

Medicine. Meredith knew what that was. It was stuff that tasted awful that was supposed to make you feel better. Why did she need medicine? That question was answered when this man scooped her up in his arms, so easily, like she was just a doll – and her stomach churned immediately. Without her permission, a small whimper escaped her lips, and she quickly bit her lip to reign in anymore noises that could possibly escape.

Meredith takes a deep breath through her nose to try to calm her stomach, her eyes squeezing shut so she didn’t get dizzier from him carrying her up the stairs. “Daddy’s got you—” Is being cooed in her ear repeatedly, which causes her to be even more confused. Daddy? The last ‘daddy’ she remembered was someone she never called daddy – someone that hated her, that liked to hurt her, that did drugs frequently in front of her. Not someone who called himself daddy. Not someone that gave a shit about her. Meredith had no idea what the hell was happening. 

John was getting worried. Even as he was carrying Meredith up the stairs, he could tell this wasn’t his little girl. This wasn’t the girl he’d been caring for, for so long now. He couldn’t tell what was different, but there was something. But he was just going to do what he always did, and not treat her any differently, and just go with the flow. See what happened. They had to do that often with her, since age regression was something studied so infrequently. 

Meredith was laid down on something. It was hard, but it wasn’t that uncomfortable. Then, suddenly, this guy was stripping her of her clothes, and was that… a diaper? Meredith hadn’t even thought about peeing or anything of the sort. Her cheeks flushed a dark red, so, instead of focusing on that, she focused on the guy hovering above her. 

He looked kind. Laugh lines all along his face. Black hair, starting to be sprinkled with gray. Strong, obviously, since he was able to carry her all the way up the stairs. But the one thing that took Meredith’s breath away was the look in his eyes when he looked at her. Like she was the most precious thing in the room. Like she was his only focus, the only thing that mattered. It was astounding, considering the people Meredith had been living with before… whatever had happened, happened. 

They were both silent as John finished getting her changed. He was watching her carefully, realizing that she was looking at him differently than she normally did. Once again, he couldn’t explain it, but this was his little girl. He knew her like the back of his hand and he could tell when something was off. 

Meredith had originally been planning on asking questions right away, but when she even tried to form words, nothing would form. She knew what she wanted to say. She wanted to ask what this kind man’s name was. She wanted to know what the heck had happened to her. But it was just like how her body wouldn’t cooperate with her mind, the words wouldn’t fall off the tip of her tongue. Instead, it just came out as gibberish.

John could tell Meredith was starting to get frustrated at the fact that she was trying to speak and couldn’t. Although he knew something was off, he didn’t think she was trying to form actual sentences and that’s why she was frustrated. He just assumed she wanted to talk how she did when she was a toddler, and the seizure had just made it, so it wouldn’t happen. “Shh, it’s okay, sweetheart.” John says softly, gently pulling her to a sitting position. He rubs his hand along her back, making sure to completely hold her up, because she wasn’t supporting any of her own weight. “You take as much time as you need, baby. You went through a rough time today. You’ll talk again when you’re ready. I promise.” 

Tears welled up in her eyes and started to slip over, which were quickly brushed away by this man. He snuggled Meredith up into his chest, grabbing her pacifier and slipping it in her mouth. Meredith was confused by it, but she didn’t spit it out, like she wanted to do. She figured if she couldn’t speak like she wanted to, if she couldn’t tell him that something was different, that she may as well do her best to act the same as they were familiar with. See what happened. See how they treated her. 

When John brought her downstairs, Meredith was met by two men who looked like brothers, and another man. All of them looked familiar, like someone she’d seen before in a crowd, but couldn’t place them. “You want to go to Sammy?” John coos, figuring she would want him because of their special bond. 

Both Sam and Dean were looking at her with soft eyes, neither one of them making any gestures as to being Sammy. Meredith looks between the two of them for a moment, before reaching her arms out toward the one with shorter hair. 

Everybody was surprised, but none moreso than Dean himself. He was happily surprised, of course, but just like everyone else, he’d been expecting Meredith to go to Sam. “You want—okay.” Dean says quickly, reaching out and scooping her out of John’s arms. He settles her so she’s in front of him, legs on either side of his waist, his hands clasped under her bum to hold her up. Meredith rests her chin on his shoulder, feeling like it’s one of the most natural things in the world. She knew this should be weird. She knew she should be fighting this. But in all honesty, she didn’t want to. These men were being so kind to her, loving on her, which she wasn’t used to at all. 

“Did she seem okay when you were changing her, John?” Castiel asks. Meredith turned her head just a little bit when she heard him speaking – excited when she finally learned his name. John. She still didn’t know the others, but at least it was one more than she had known. She figured everyone would be called by their names eventually. 

John nods his head. “Yeah, she’s okay.” He says softly. “I just… there’s something different. I can’t tell what it is, or how to explain it, but there’s something different.” John looks at his little girl wistfully. “Maybe that’ll change with time.”

Castiel nods his head. “Yeah, there’s a very good possibility of that. Her brain is still trying to process what just happened. It was a rougher seizure than she’s used to, because she had the high fever added on top of it. Just give her some time. Things will go back to normal soon, I’m sure of it.” 

Meredith felt a sinking feeling in her chest while she listened to them talking. Even though it was taking her a little longer to process things, she was understanding much more of the conversations than she had when she was regressed – which obviously John and Castiel didn’t know. Meredith could tell they liked how things were before. They wanted it to stay the same. She didn’t even know what the same was, how was she supposed to act like it? What if they didn’t like her if they found out things were different? 

Originally, when Meredith settled her chin on Dean’s shoulder, the look on her face had been content. Sam didn’t miss it when the look went from content to miserable. There was no reason for it, aside from Castiel and John’s conversation. “Dean, why don’t you take Mer into the living room for a few minutes?” He says quietly, his tone showing Dean that he needed him to do this, and that he’d catch him up later. “Put on a cartoon or something.” 

Dean nods, carrying Meredith into the living room and sitting down on the couch. He goes to adjust her, so she can see the tv, but Meredith just whimpers, so he keeps her right where she is. “You had a pretty scary day today, huh?” He coos softly. Meredith just keeps thinking he doesn’t even know the half of it. “You’re okay, sweetheart.” He says gently, rubbing her back while they sit on the couch together.

In the kitchen, Sam waits until Dean and Meredith are in the living room and the TV is on, then turns to Castiel and John. “I think she’s understanding more.” He says quietly. Sam sees the perplexed looks on their faces and shrugs his shoulders. “Honestly, I don’t know. But when she went to Dean, she seemed… content. Not super happy, but okay with things. When you guys were talking, all of a sudden, she got sad. I don’t know why she would have gotten sad from what you were talking about, but I just… I think we might need to watch what we say around her.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm obviously the worst at updating, haha. I've started working on a new story that I don't know if I'll ever actually publish it... I'm not writing anything in order so even if I wanted to, I couldn't publish anything now, but basically it's a Supernatural RPF where Jared, Jensen, Misha, and Rob all make up a band instead of being actors.
> 
> Anywho, with that, classes, and the fact that I was just on vacation for a week, I've been really shitty at updating, and I've been even worse about updating Trauma, so my bad to those of you who are waiting for the next part /: It'll happen at some point, promise... 
> 
> If you guys don't hate me, feel free to leave me some comments & kudos! This chapter has lots of new developments! Love you guys <3

As time went on, all of them were starting to notice the changes in Meredith. She wasn’t as smiley as she used to be. She wasn’t even trying to talk anymore. She refused to make a noise unless she knew exactly what noise she was making; unless it was completely under her control. Meredith even started to refuse her pacifier, and all of them were starting to get anxious, because that used to be her lifeline. 

Meredith really wanted to practice speaking, but there was no opportunity for her to. She quickly learned that John had a baby monitor that he turned on whenever she was laid down for a nap, which she started to absolutely hate. The baby monitor was also on at night, and the rest of the time she was with one of them, so there was no time spent alone.

“Sweetheart…” John says reproachfully when Meredith continues clinging to him, making angry noises as he tries to put her down in her crib. He straightens back up, holding Meredith how Dean usually does, in front of his body, so he can look at her face. “What’s going on with you, honey? I can tell you’re exhausted. I’m sure you know you’re exhausted, since even I can tell. Why do you keep refusing your naps?”

Meredith looks down in embarrassment when she sees the tired look in John’s eyes. He’d hardly left her since the big seizure, but she hadn’t noticed how much her stubbornness had been affecting him. Although this was all still new to her, she knew this man was her primary caretaker – the one who had been taking such good care of her all this time. She owed him everything, she shouldn’t be making his life harder. 

She hated that god forsaken crib, though. She hadn’t liked it much when she was a baby, she’d always preferred to sleep with one of them, and she liked it even less now. It felt claustrophobic, instead of the comforting restricted space it had once been for her. Meredith looked down to the crib and back to John, then back to the crib once more. John notices the reluctance when she reaches her hands down toward the crib, so he could set her down in there.

“No, honey.” John says quietly. He’d known before that Meredith would do things if she thought they made John happy, but it had never been so blatantly obvious before. “If you don’t want to go in your crib, you don’t have to go in your crib. You really do need to take a nap, though.” That one Meredith couldn’t argue with. She was exhausted, even though she did absolutely nothing for herself. 

John brought her back down to the living room where Sam and Dean were watching some reality TV show. Well, Sam was half listening while he read a book and Dean was sketching out some plans of something he wanted to do to a car, so the show was mostly background noise. 

A couple days before, Sam had made a small mountain of blankets and pillows in the corner of the living room. Since Meredith had mostly been refusing the crib for her naps, he figured she might want to be out there with all of them, so he made her that. Of course, one of them would be with her the entire time to ensure she didn’t accidentally suffocate, but at least she would be napping. 

John goes to place Meredith down in it. “You want to be out here with all of us?” He asks softly, settling her down right in the middle of the pile and covering her up with one of the blankets. “We’ll turn the TV down a little bit and we’ll all just hang out in here, isn’t that right, boys?” 

Sam and Dean both nod their heads, sending Meredith comforting smiles. They had no idea what was going on with her, but they figured as long as they accommodated her, at some point they could figure it out. 

What really got to John, though, was the heartbroken look on Meredith’s face. He didn’t understand. She didn’t want to go to the crib, so he brought her out where all of them were, and she looked even more heartbroken now than she did when John had originally brought her into the nursery. “What’s wrong now?” John asks, making Sam look up and raise his eyebrows at his father. 

John was exhausted, it was clear to see in his eyes, in his smile, in the way he talked, and every way else. He was exhausted from staying up with Meredith, trying to keep her comfortable, googling literally everything he could about seizures and after care, searching forums of littles to see if anyone had had situations arise like this before. But with how tired he was, he was starting to get irritated. He wasn’t irritated with Meredith, it just sometimes came out that way. 

“Dad, how about you go take a nap and Dean and I will stay in here with her?” Sam asks, a little bit of warning tone in his voice. John immediately recognized it as a sign that he was getting a little snarky with his tone, and he quickly looked down, but he shot Sam a little smile as thanks for telling him in a subtle way. 

“M-making life harder for you than it needs to be.” 

The three of them snapped their heads around so fast to look at Meredith that one would’ve thought they’d gotten whiplash. Meredith had never spoken like that before. She’d had some little sentences here and there, but never anything as complicated as that sentence had been. The three of them looked back to each other, eyes wide, all speechless.

“H-how long have I been here?” Meredith asks in a small voice, wondering if she should’ve just kept up the act that she was still a baby. What if now they wanted to get rid of her? This was a family that loved her, that cherished her, she didn’t want to leave that. She didn’t want to get kicked out of that.

Dean is the first one to get his speech skills back, although all of them feel like their mouths have gone dry. “Uh… I don’t even know.” He admits, looking to his brother and father. “A year-ish, probably? A little more, a little less?” 

“That’s what’s been different all this time.” John says quietly, the realization hitting him like a ton of bricks. He had been right the whole time – this literally wasn’t his little girl. This was grown-up Meredith. That was why she’d been so frustrated when she couldn’t speak, why she’d been refusing naps and refusing the crib, why she hated the pacifier, why she never cried anymore. 

If Meredith was able to curl up anymore, she would have shrunk away into the pile of blankets. As it was, she was trying to make herself as small as possible. They were all just staring at her, and none of them were smiling, and she was so scared they were going to get rid of her now. “I – I’m s-sorry, I can go back to acting like that if you want…”

Sam was the first one to hide the look of shock on his face, instead sending her a comforting smile as he gets up, going over to the pile of blankets where she was. “You poor thing.” He says sympathetically, helping her to sit up a little bit on her own, stroking the back of his fingers over her right cheek. “You must’ve been so scared when you woke up from the seizure and had no idea who any of us were.” 

A few tears welled up in Meredith’s eyes as she leaned forward into Sam’s touch. She had been terrified, even though she’d tried not to act like it. They were nice to her, after all, but it was a completely new situation for her. “I – I didn’t know what was happening, and then John picked me up and kept calling himself daddy and…” She pauses, sniffling as she looks up at John. “You were so kind to me and you kept looking at me like I was the only thing in the room and I didn’t – I didn’t want to give it up.” 

John’s once again feeling his heart break for this girl. Even though this isn’t his little girl anymore, he still loved her just the same as he did Sam and Dean. He’d just have to learn how to take care of her differently now. Get her into some physical therapy to strengthen herself up so he could do things for herself… but he was getting ahead of himself. 

Shaking his head, John quickly kneels on the floor next to her. “You don’t have to give it up, sweet girl.” He says reassuringly, giving her a small smile as he brushes his fingers through her hair. “I just… I can’t believe it. I can’t believe I didn’t realize it. I knew something was different… but I can’t believe I didn’t realize you truly weren’t my little girl anymore.” 

John stood up, mostly because he wanted to pace. This was so much for him to take in. It was a lot for all of them to take in, but especially him since he’d been the primary caretaker for so long. As soon as John stood up, though, Meredith burst into tears and Dean was up off the couch in a second flat, putting his arms around her. “P-please don’t get rid of me.” 

All three looked sadly at each other. Although they’d mostly gotten her past the trauma of the abuse she’d suffered while she was regressed, it looked like that maybe wasn’t a thing for when she wasn’t regressed. She was still scared they were going to get rid of her, probably even scared that they would hurt her. “We’re not getting rid of you, honey.” Dean says immediately, rubbing his hand over her back gently. “That’s the last thing we would ever do. We love you.” 

“Yeah, you’re like the cute little sister I never had, that I wanted, instead of the annoying older brother I got.” Sam teases, causing Dean to roll his eyes. “Okay, teasing about the last part. But for real, Mer… when dad first took you in, we had the conversation about whether or not you’d ever not be regressed, and even dad said that was the goal. Right, dad?” 

John quickly nods, kneeling again next to her, taking her hand and squeezing it firmly. “I said that wrong. You’re still my little girl. You’re just not the little girl I’ve gotten to know so well.” He sends her a reassuring smile. “You’re not going anywhere. We were all hoping we could get you to a point of not being regressed anymore. This isn’t a bad thing, honey. This is a good thing. This is something we should be celebrating.” 

Dean sees the look in her eye, and for once, he understands the connection Sam had had with baby Meredith. He didn’t have to think twice about what she was probably thinking about. “But if you regress again, it’s completely fine.” Dean says softly, causing her to look over at him, surprised he knew what she was thinking. “Either way, you’re not going anywhere, and we’re going to take care of you. Promise.” 

“When you’re not regressed, we don’t have to go anywhere near the nursery.” John promises. “Although, if you feel like you might not be able to control your bladder and bowels yet, I would prefer to keep you in a diaper. But other than that, we don’t have to have any baby stuff around you when you’re not regressed if you don’t want it.” 

Meredith was about to say she thought she could probably control herself when she realized she’d definitely just pooped her diaper. Her eyes widened, cheeks flushing a dark red when she realized what she’d done, eyes filling with tears. 

John recognizes that look – she’d had that same look for a while every time she pooped her diaper when she had first come to him, afraid that he was going to hurt her for it. “Hey, hey. It’s okay.” He practically coos in a soothing tone, smoothing his hand along her hair. “We’ll just wait a few minutes to make sure you’re done and then I’ll change you, okay? No big deal. I’ve done it plenty of times.” 

“Yeah, but I’m not a baby now.” Meredith whispers, reaching her hand up to wipe her eyes. She’d slowly been gaining her motor functions back, it was just hard when she hadn’t walked in way over a year. She at least was getting the strength back to crawl, and she was hoping that at some point she’d be able to walk again.

“You’re always going to be my baby.” John gently taps his finger against her nose, hoping it would get her to smile like it used to – and it does. At least, a semblance of a smile, and that was better than nothing. “I didn’t formally adopt you, so I’m not your father and the boys aren’t your brothers. Since you physically weren’t a minor, even though you were mentally, we didn’t have to do the whole adoption process, which worked out well, since you really needed to get to a home as soon as possible.” 

The first diaper change was the most embarrassing thing of Meredith’s life. Even though John had changed her multiple times since she’d first ‘woken up’, this was the first one where he knew she wasn’t a baby. She felt useless. She felt pathetic that John had to change her diaper because she couldn’t control herself. Just like… a baby. 

John did the diaper change as fast and efficiently as possible, hoping to get it done with as fast as he could, that way she wouldn’t get too worked up about it. However, it didn’t really work. John scooped her up off the changing table as soon as he could, but that was after he’d help her change into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. She did most of it, John just helped a little here and there. 

Meredith had been avoiding his eyes up until the very end, and she gasped when she saw the look of pride in them. She didn’t think there was anything to be proud of, but he was so proud of her, and she was so thankful for him. This time, willingly, Meredith raises her arms to him and John scoops her up, hugging her tightly to his chest. “I love you.” He says quietly, feeling Meredith’s breath hitch in her throat. “You don’t have to say it back. I just want you to know that.”

Meredith didn’t respond, but it wasn’t because she was afraid to say it. It was because of the ever-growing lump in her throat that she didn’t trust herself to speak around without crying. By the time John brought her back into the living room where Sam and Dean were sitting, she’d managed to get ahold of herself. She ends up sitting on the couch smushed between Sam and Dean, while John perches on the coffee table in front of the couch. “Tell me about when I first came here?” She asks quietly. She didn’t remember any of it, and she wanted to hear their perspective. 

John gives a small smile while he thinks back on it. “It was… hard for a while.” He admits honestly, figuring honesty was the best policy in this situation. “You were horrifically abused. Of course, we never had any details, but we pieced some things together. They’d hurt you if you made any noise… they’d drop you purposely…” Dean starts stroking her hair, knowing this had to be hard for her to hear. “The first few days you were here you didn’t make a sound. You were in a lot of pain because of a rash on your bottom, but even when you cried, it was completely silent. When you started to realize you wouldn’t get in trouble for making noise, one day you just started whimpering. You whimpered until you got it all out of your system, even though I kept telling you it was okay to cry. Whimpering and very quiet giggling were the only two sounds you made for quite a long time, up until the day when Sam wanted to go out with friends and you wanted him to stay. That was the first time you cried. But it wasn’t just crying. It was wailing. It was heartbreaking, but at the same time, we were all so glad you felt comfortable enough to do it. After that, any time you were unhappy, we were sure to know it.” 

That got a chuckle out of all of them, including Meredith. “You hated eye contact.” Sam says softly. “Any time you made eye contact with us we praised you, to show you it was okay. Right from the get-go you liked me, and we had this kind of… special bond. It took you a while to warm up to Dean, but eventually you two were just as inseparable as you and I had been.” No one made any mention of the car accident, figuring that was something they could tell her later, if it was necessary. 

“We’ve done a lot of work with you.” Dean jumps in softly. “There’s been a lot of ups and downs in your recovery… some days it felt like we’d taken two steps forward and ten steps back. There were some times that shit would happen, and you’d refuse to talk or make noises again… we messed up on taking care of you a few times… but we always managed to get through it no matter what.” He smiles, ruffling her hair gently. “You’re the sweetest little baby. And toddler.” 

“That must be why you guys could tell there was something off.” Meredith mumbles quietly. She was still a mumbler, obviously not confident in her words, and she was still stuttering every couple of words, but at least she was talking and she knew how to form sentences. When the three looked at her, confused, she manages a small smile. “I was the sweetest little baby and then I wasn’t. Then I was awful.” 

John shakes his head, reaching out for her hand again. “Absolutely not. You were not awful. You were stubborn, sure, but you were stubborn as a baby, too. You were also terrified this time around. In all honesty, it was kind of like when you first came to me… there was just less crying and less fear. So, all around, it was better.” He smiles gently. “And don’t take that in a bad way, darling. I was more than happy to take you in, and you’ve become such a big part of the family. None of us would want it any other way.” 

Dean and Sam both nod their heads in agreement, smiling down at her. Meredith gives them a small smile in return, rubbing her eyes because she’s absolutely exhausted. She also has a weird feeling in her stomach, and she doesn’t know what it is or what it would mean. “My stomach feels weird…”

All three of them immediately get wary. “You could be about to have another seizure.” Dean says quietly, looking at her in concern. “Which, hopefully not, since you just had one… but I suppose it could be possible.”

Sam then jumps in. “Or your body could be making you regress again.”

At the mention of regressing again, Meredith immediately shakes her head and steels herself against it. She’d only been an adult for a couple days, and they hadn’t even known she was an adult for more than an hour yet. She couldn’t already regress again. “I’m not doing it.”

John already knows this isn’t going to be a good thing if she’s refusing to regress. “Sweetheart.” He says soothingly, rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand. “If your mind wants to regress, you should let it. I promise we’ll take good care of you.”

“It’s not about you taking care of me, it’s about the fact that I’ve been regressed for over a year now and I want to be a damn adult! I want to be an adult that can take care of herself and can feed herself and doesn’t need to wear a damn diaper!” 

John knows this could potentially backfire on him, but he still has his fatherly instincts going on, so he gently scoops Meredith up off the couch and places her down on his lap, hugging her tightly to his chest. She starts to cry, and John knows she’s just overwhelmed from everything that’s happening. “Shh… just get some sleep, honey.” He whispers, starting to rock her back and forth. 

It took a few minutes for Meredith to finally calm down enough to give in to sleeping, but she was exhausted, and still sick, so soon enough she was fast asleep in John’s arms. The three of them looked around at each other, facial expressions all showing their shock. Finally, Dean was the first one to speak up.

“What the hell just happened?”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while, I'm sorry! Here's some more of Mer not being regressed! Trigger warning for... well, diarrhea, hahah. I kinda made the last part a little gross, my bad. But it's kind of a decent segway into what I want to have happen in the next part.   
> I hope it's not terrible and that you guys like it.  
> Comments & kudos feed the muse. <3

“I can’t believe she actually came out of it.” Sam says quietly. “I know right at the beginning, Castiel said that was a goal… I guess I just never actually expected it to happen.” He looks down at the sleeping girl, who’s head is currently rested on John’s shoulder, fist still clinging to his shirt. “What do we do now? I mean, I guess I should call Cas… I’m going to go do that.” 

Sam gets up from the couch, pulling his phone from his pocket as he does so. John is still holding Meredith tightly, rocking her back and forth as he does so. Dean is just staring, still in awe that this was an entirely different person, with the same face as the girl they’d all gotten to know so well. “So, what do we do now?” 

John shrugs, turning his head so he can press a kiss to the top of Meredith’s head. “We do what we’ve always done. We go with the flow. We figure out what she needs, and we do it for her. Hopefully, now that will be a little easier since she can talk. But if she’s too embarrassed to tell us what she needs, or she just refuses, then we’re just going to have to use trial and error like we’ve always done.” In his eyes, this really didn’t change anything. “We make sure she knows it’s fine to regress, we make sure she stays comfortable with it and that we don’t accidentally make a remark she could find embarrassing. When she’s up for it, we get Cas to give her some physical therapy exercises and we’ll do them with her. She’s still mostly immobile, but the more time she spends not regressed, the more she’s going to want to walk. But we’ll have to build her up to that, of course.” 

“Hey, Cas.” Sam says quietly when his boyfriend answers the phone. Even if they didn’t see each other every day, they still talked every day. So, Castiel was expecting it to be one of their normal phone calls, but just the tone in Sam’s voice tells him this isn’t one of those. “Meredith… she came out of the regression.” 

“She _what?_ ” Castiel says incredulously, practically bolting upright in his office chair. “She – is that what’s been different this whole time after the seizure? Holy shit. I knew the brain worked in mysterious ways, but this is just… this is something else altogether. I don’t think we’re ever going to truly learn how the brain works.” 

Sam couldn’t help but to chuckle when his boyfriend just immediately started off on his tangent about the brain. “Yeah, she just… today, a while ago, she actually started talking. Asking us questions about how long she’d been here, about what had happened… she’s scared, that much is obvious. Who could blame her, since she woke up and had no idea who we were, and we just kept treating her like she did know us?” 

He’s waiting for a response from Castiel, but apparently, he’s still too shocked to say anything, so Sam continues. “I think she waited so long mostly because she was afraid that once we knew she wasn’t a baby anymore that we wouldn’t want her anymore. Physically, she’s still pretty much like a baby. She needs the naps, she has a hard time talking, her motor functions still aren’t great. And that embarrasses her. Her mental state isn’t the best because of it. She still can’t control her bladder or bowels, so dad had to change her diaper earlier, and she was mortified. She also still really needs the snuggles and the comfort she’s been receiving for so long now, but she refuses to ask for it. Like she thinks now that she’s not a baby, she should be able to get by without them.” 

Castiel sighs, rubbing his hand over his face. “Damn… I bet these last few days since the seizure have been really hard on her. And no one even knew about it, that’s the worst thing. I think the four of you should really spend some time together for the next couple of days. Have Dean take a few days off of work, and try to establish a new normal between all of you. Has she shown any signs of regression?” 

“Earlier she said her stomach felt weird. I mentioned that it was possible her body was trying to regress again, but immediately you could see that she was refusing it. But I think her refusing it is just going to make her tired. She already seemed so tired right then, and she was so overwhelmed that she just started crying while dad held her and tried to get her to sleep.” Sam says, feeling a little bad that he’d been the one to bring it up.

Castiel nods his head. “In my medical opinion, I think the worst thing she could do for herself is refuse to regress. Her mind hasn’t had this kind of stimulation in god knows how long, and it’s going to need rest. It’s going to need to go back to its ‘normal,’ even if this new mindstate should be normal. If she doesn’t refuse it, then it’s likely she’d be able to regress and come out of it again easily. If she refuses it, there’s the potential that eventually her brain will shut down on her again, and it could be a long time before she pulls herself out of it again.” He sighs. “I’ll come by in a couple of days and give her a quick checkup, but if anything happens before then, you let me know. Oh, and Sam… keep me updated.” 

Cas wasn’t saying anything Sam didn’t already know. He’d already thought of this many times, even though she hadn’t been out of her regression all that long. Sam hangs up the phone, coming back into the living room where his brother and father are still sitting. “I can’t even imagine how freaked out she must be.” Sam says quietly, the other two men nodding their agreement. “I’m just hoping we can keep her comfortable.” 

Dean stands up from the couch, rubbing the back of his neck. “Well, I’m going to go set up the other guest room for her, then.” He says with a nod. “Since she won’t want to be in the nursery… I’m thinking she’ll probably still want to mostly sleep with us, but if she wants her own space, it should be available to her.” 

“That’s a good idea.” John says quietly, standing up and shifting Meredith to where he’s cradling her. Very slowly, with the experience of a dad, he manages to shift her in his arms and lay down on the couch with her without waking her up. There was a good chance she was going to be upset if he put her down, so he wasn’t planning on moving until she woke up.

It was a while later before Meredith ended up waking up. She was still big, and she was certainly still fighting a regression. The last thing in the whole world that she wanted to do was regress again so soon. In fact, she was hoping she wouldn’t have to regress again at all. Even though the three of them didn’t seem to mind taking care of her, she knew having a ‘baby’ around the house had to be a burden on them. At least with normal children, they grew up and family didn’t have to keep such a close eye on them. Her regression wasn’t like that, though. The oldest she ever got was a toddler, so they always had to be vigilant with her. 

She was awake for a few minutes before she finally started to stir a little bit, cluing John into the fact that she was awake. It also took her a few minutes to realize she was laying in someone’s arms, snuggled up to their chest… and just one deep breath made her realize it was John’s scent. A scent she had already memorized even while she was big. Slowly, Meredith looked up at him, her blue eyes meeting those hazel that matched Sam’s so well. “You stayed.” She whispers, voice rough with sleep.

A smile forms on John’s face as he combs his fingers through her dark hair gently. “Of course I stayed. I told you, sweetheart. It doesn’t matter if you’re big or little, you’re still my little girl. I’m never going to leave you.” 

A faint blush appears on Meredith’s cheeks as she looks down, letting her eyes fall shut again. She wasn’t sleepy anymore, so she wasn’t going to fall asleep, but she was perfectly content to lay there with John a while longer. “You said when I first came here that it was really bad.” She whispers, John patiently waiting while she struggles with forming the words and some stuttering. “What was going through your mind during that time?” 

John is silent for a few minutes while he thinks of his answer. “I was scared most of the time.” He admits quietly. “I was scared I was going to screw something up or that somehow I would hurt you more than I was helping you. Obviously, I raised Sam and Dean, but with Dean I had a lot of help up until their mother passed away. Then Dean helped a lot with Sam while I was raising the two of them together. This time it was just me relying on my old parenting skills from over thirty years ago, and those parenting skills hadn’t prepared me for abuse or PTSD. The first few nights you were here, I hardly slept at all. Any time I heard you even shift a little bit, I was awake, making sure you were okay. I can’t tell you how many times you broke my heart and still managed to melt it in the same exact moment.” He chuckles quietly.

John hadn’t meant the last part in a bad way. In fact, he’d meant it in a good way. But Meredith’s mind was only focusing on the fact that she had broken his heart… and she had done it multiple times. “W-what do you mean?” She asks in a small, vulnerable voice. 

He immediately realized his mistake when he heard her tone of voice; sitting up and pulling her with him. “I didn’t mean that in a bad way, sweetheart. Just, for example, the first time you finally cried. It broke my heart because you were so upset that you were wailing at the top of your lungs – at the same time it melted my heart because you had gotten so close to Sam, and because you were finally getting comfortable enough to make those sounds. Every time you took another step towards recovery, towards being what would be considered more of a ‘normal’ baby, I was so immensely proud of you. I still am.” 

The pair were silent for a few moments, both lost in their thoughts. John rubbed Meredith’s back, pressing a kiss to the top of her head gently. “I was always terrified I was going to fail you. Right from that very first moment I saw you at the adoption agency, I fell in love with you. I wanted you as my little girl. Right then, I vowed to always show you love and to never hurt you. I’ll be the first one to admit I haven’t always kept that promise, but it was never intentionally. I just… I want you to know I love you.” 

She wanted to say it back, but John had told her to take her time with it. Meredith didn’t want him to think she was just saying it to say it. So, even though she wanted to speak, Meredith kept her mouth shut and just snuggled up to him again. 

That night at dinner was the first real hiccup the four of them experienced. As the food was finishing up, John carried Meredith into the kitchen and set her down in one of the kitchen chairs. He was a little wary of doing so, knowing that she likely was strong enough to hold herself up in a chair long enough to eat, but at the same time, he didn’t want anything happening to her. 

Dean ended up sitting at the table with her while Sam and John finished up making dinner. It was simple, just some chicken breasts, mashed potatoes, and applesauce. Dean had been the one to decide that and start the dinner, figuring it would be soft enough that Meredith would be able to eat it, and an easy clean up if she ended up getting it all over herself. 

John was bringing everything to the table while Sam was busying himself doing something in the refrigerator. A few moments later, they all heard the microwave going, but none of them thought anything of it. It was just another piece of background noise. John was just about to grab Meredith’s plate to put some mashed potatoes on it, when Sam comes back holding a bottle. 

Meredith’s breath hitched in her throat as she looked at the bottle, her cheeks flushing a dark red. John and Dean glanced at each other before they looked up to Sam, and it was only then that Sam realized his mistake. “Shit, I didn’t even think about it.” He says quietly, quickly grabbing the bottle back. But Meredith doesn’t miss that disappointed look on his face as he goes to pour the bottle down the drain. Her heart sinks. 

“I’m sorry, Mer.” Sam says softly as he comes back with everyone’s drinks, the disappointed look from his face having now vanished. “I’m just so used to getting it ready every night while we make dinner that I didn’t even think about the fact that I wasn’t doing it tonight.” 

“It’s okay.” Meredith says quietly, shrugging her shoulders. Dean and John once again exchange looks, already having a feeling this wasn’t going to go very well. John served all of them, and Dean cut up the chicken for Meredith before she could protest. But she wasn’t going to protest, anyway. All of them, including herself, knew she wouldn’t be able to cut up the chicken herself.

Once the food was served and everyone was sitting down again, they all started to dig in. Except Meredith, who had a clumsy fist made around her fork and was mostly just pushing her mashed potatoes around absentmindedly. She couldn’t get that disappointed look out of her head. It was so hard to know what to do, because one part of her knew that her being a baby had to be a burden on them. The other part of her knew that Sam was disappointed because he wasn’t going to feed her dinner like he normally did. That he was disappointed that things were deviating from the norm. 

“Mer.” Meredith suddenly looks up when she hears her name coming from her left, seeing Dean looking at her. Apparently, it hadn’t been the first time he’d said her name, either, considering the other two were looking at her as well. How long had she been zoned out? “You need to eat, sweetheart.” Dean says gently, not wanting to say the wrong thing. “Not just push your food around on your plate.” 

Her cheeks flush a darker red and Dean knew he shouldn’t have said the last part. But before he can say anything, Meredith’s shoved her plate away from herself, toward the center of the table. Dean glances to the other two men, all of them knowing these were the starting signs of a temper tantrum – but not knowing what was going to happen, considering she wasn’t a toddler at this point in time. 

“Not hungry.” Meredith answers quietly while her eyes filled with tears, and Sam notices that she’s clutching her fork so hard her knuckles are starting to turn white. They also know her not being hungry is a lie, that she had to be starving by now. She just must be too embarrassed to admit it. 

The entire table was silent, John, Sam, and Dean all looking at each other and having seemingly a silent conversation. They’d all done this enough times that they could easily tell what the other was saying without even having to move their mouths. Sam quickly looks down at his food and away from Meredith, and John does the same thing, hoping that if there’s not so much attention on her, she won’t be so embarrassed. 

Dean is the only one who continues to look at her, his eyes gentle as he scoots his chair just a little closer toward hers. “You want some of mine, sweetheart?” He asks, scooping up a forkful of mashed potatoes and holding it out to her. He hopes that by not saying anything about her own food, by not saying anything about her feeding herself, that she’ll allow herself to give in to this.

Meredith looks over to the other two, who are studiously still looking down at their plates, then looks back at Dean who’s now smiling hopefully at her. She slowly opens her mouth, allowing Dean to place the forkful of mashed potatoes in. She eats it slowly, carefully, not used to having anything other than her bottles they’d given her multiple times a day. 

“What a good girl.” Dean says softly, causing Meredith to flush a dark red again, only this time it’s accompanied by a tiny smile. He feeds her a few more bites of mashed potatoes, then cuts up his pieces of chicken into even tinier pieces. Dean spears one of the little pieces onto the prongs of the fork, feeding it to Meredith and watching her carefully, knowing this time she was going to have to chew, which she wasn’t used to. 

It took Meredith’s body a couple times to cooperate with her mind to figure out what the hell she was supposed to do with this, but soon she was chewing and eating the chicken, although it was a slow process. By this time, Sam and John had started a conversation for themselves, so there was some noise while all of this was happening. Meredith didn’t normally eat a lot anyway, so they weren’t expecting her to eat a lot now. She surprised them, though.

Dean was a big guy, so he’d given himself generous portions of both chicken and mashed potatoes. He’d only had a few bites of it before he had gotten Meredith out of her trance she’d been in – but Meredith ended up finishing the rest of his plate. 

Sam stood up and got a warm washcloth, quickly wiping Meredith’s face. No one said anything about it, so neither did Meredith. Once that was done, Meredith asked to be brought to the living room, so Sam scooped her up and brought her there, helping her lay down on the couch. He could tell she was tired, and he could also tell she was fighting her mind, but he didn’t want to say anything about it yet. Hopefully, she’d just allow herself to give in soon.

Once she was out of the room, Dean pulled her discarded plate toward him and ate from there instead, since she’d had all of his dinner. He was perfectly fine with it, since it had gotten her to eat. He hoped they were still making progress, just a little bit at a time. 

Meredith was in the living room for a little bit by herself while Dean finished up eating, and Sam and John cleared the table. It didn’t happen right after dinner, but pretty soon after dinner Meredith’s stomach started to feel funny. She winced as a sharp pain went through her, climbing off the couch down onto the wooden floor so she could curl up easier. 

Dean finished the plate and brought it over to the counter, thanking Sam quickly for taking care of it. “I’m going to go check on Mer.” He tells the two, who nod their understanding. Dean then wanders his way into the living room, immediately kneeling next to her when he sees her on the ground. “Mer? What’s wrong, sweetheart?” 

“Nothing. I’m fine.” Meredith says quietly, wincing as she places pressure on this one certain spot on her stomach that hurt. She was hoping it would relieve it, but it didn’t. But neither did relieving the pressure. It wasn’t some excruciating pain, although it was getting worse, but she didn’t want to bother Dean.

“No offense, and I hope you don’t mind that I’m using this word since you’re big now, but that’s bullshit.” Meredith’s eyes widened when she looked up at him, and Dean shrugged his shoulders. “Darling, I can see you’re in pain. But I can’t help you unless you tell me what’s going on.” 

Meredith clears her throat, wincing as the pain once again gets worse. She stays silent, and was just about to speak when all of a sudden it happened. Instead of speaking, she let out a grunt of pain, and it was accompanied by thirty more seconds of intense pain, and then at least her stomach finally wasn’t hurting anymore. “I don’t know –” Meredith says quietly, and then she realizes, her cheeks turning an even darker red than Dean had seen the entire day.

Dean realizes what must’ve just happened at about the same time she did, but his was because of an awful smell that was suddenly permeating the entire room. He nods his head, staying silent for a few moments. “Did you just poop, honey?” He asks quietly.

“I didn’t – it wasn’t –” Meredith didn’t know how to explain what had just happened, aside from the fact that now her bum was extremely sore, but at least her stomach wasn’t hurting any longer. 

He gives her a reassuring smile, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder gently. “It’s okay, sweetheart.” He says softly, going to move behind her. “Let me just check you out for a second, yeah?” Dean places his hand on the small of her back, wincing as he’s pretty sure his hand just got wet. He gently pushes her forward, and he can see it’s literally everywhere, even some marks on the wooden floor. “Oh.” He says quietly. 

Meredith knows exactly what had just happened and mortified didn’t even begin to cover the emotion she was currently experiencing. Her chest starts to heave, and Dean knows she’s about to have a panic attack. “Dad!” He quickly calls, knowing there was no way Meredith would want him to change her like this. Not when she was so embarrassed about even John doing it. 

John comes into the living room quickly just a couple moments later, wiping his hands on the dish towel he’d just been using. He quickly drops it on the back of the couch when he sees the two of them on the ground, and once he smells it, he also knows what must’ve just happened. John drops to his knees in front of Meredith, taking her face in his hands and stroking his thumbs over her cheeks. “Hey… Mer, hey. It’s me. It’s John. It’s daddy. Look at me, yeah?” Meredith slowly opens her eyes, which causes John to continue to coo to her. “Such a good girl. You’re okay. You just focus on breathing. Breathe with me, okay? In… out.” He repeats that a few more times, glad that for this panic attack, she at least could understand what he was saying. 

“I didn’t mean to!” Meredith suddenly bursts out. “I didn’t – I didn’t know what was happening, otherwise I would’ve said something, I would’ve – I could’ve gotten to the potty, oh my god, I’m so sorry –” Her voice is shaky, she’s stuttering even more than usual on the words, and John can see she’s slipping just a little bit, but she’s still forcing herself to stay big. 

Offering her a reassuring smile, John continues to stroke her cheek. “It’s not your fault, sweetheart. It’s mine, honestly. I didn’t think about the fact that your tummy wouldn’t be used to real food. I should have limited you for your first few meals. No one’s upset, okay? I promise.” He looks over Meredith’s shoulder at Dean, who gestures that it’s all over, and nods his head. “Okay, honey. I’m just gonna put you down in the bottom of the tub, then we can get these clothes off of you and get you all washed off, okay? Everything’s fine. I promise.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meredith still is fighting her regression, she meets Castiel for the first time while big (which soon will cause some huge drama, heh), and there's some large self esteem issues at bay here. Tread lightly.
> 
> I actually have a couple more parts written out after this, so I can kinda update this regularly, at least for a couple weeks! Hope you guys like it, feel free to leave a comment & tell me what you think or if you'd like to see something!

Bath time was the worst. Originally, Meredith had thought the diaper changes were going to be the most mortifying thing she’d have to suffer through. But then came the baths. That first bath was terrible, mostly because she was covered in her own filth. But because of that, they had both been focused on other things. Now, every time she had to take a bath, it was just… a bath. It was John focusing on cleaning her off completely, and Meredith being completely self conscious of the fact that she was naked in front of him. He didn’t bat an eye at it. She was mortified.

As the days dragged on, Meredith was getting more and more frustrated. She was frustrated with the boys for smothering her (even though she secretly loved it), with not being able to go anywhere or do anything on her own, with life in general… but mostly, she was frustrated at herself. John, Dean, and Sam were all being so kind to her, and she knew she was being awful in return. She really wasn’t trying to be awful. She was just so mad at herself, and she had no one to take it out on but them. 

But taking it out on them made her even more mad at herself, made her hate herself even more. It was a vicious cycle; one she couldn’t drag herself out of. Finally, Meredith resolved that she just wouldn’t talk anymore. After all, she had mostly gotten the hang of talking again. She was stuttering still, but that was something they always expected to be there, no matter if she was regressed or not. But if she didn’t talk, she couldn’t take her anger out on any of the three men who had done absolutely nothing wrong. 

It took most of the day for the three of them to realize what exactly was happening. Usually one of the three would spend time with her, but not all three together, so it wasn’t until they’d already gotten Meredith tucked into Dean’s bed for the night that they met in the hallway. “She was pretty quiet today.” Dean mentioned softly, looking through the little crack from his door being open, seeing her curled up, soundly asleep, in his bed.

The other two nodded their agreement, then John was the next one to speak. “I don’t think she spoke a single word to me today, actually.” He pauses, thinking back on the day. “When I asked her if she needed to be changed, if she was hungry, if she was warm enough… she just used gestures.” 

Both Sam and Dean are thinking back on the day as well, all three of them realizing at the same time that she just hadn’t spoken a word the entire day. “You think she’s going backwards again?” Sam asks quietly, his voice hushed, like she would wake up at the mention of her recovery. 

John tries to sound confident, but they all know it’s just a shot in the dark. “Nah, she’s fine. Maybe she’s just not feeling good or just wasn’t feeling like herself today. I’m sure tomorrow it’ll be back to normal.” 

The three men dispersed afterward, all acting like they were confident in John’s words – and all three knew the other two thought it was bullshit just like they did. There was definitely something off, they just didn’t know what it was.

Dean slowly opens the door to his room, silently shutting the door behind him, but leaving it open just a crack. He’d found that Meredith slept better with a little bit of light shining in, and he was never one to deny her it. A fond smile forms on his face as he watches the girl’s chest moving up and down steadily, completely relaxed for what could have very possibly been the first time all day. 

He turns to his dresser, stripping down to just his boxers, silently debating if he should wear something different. He’d slept with Meredith once before when she wasn’t regressed, but that was before they knew. Was she still comfortable with him only sleeping in boxers like he had been for so long when he was taking care of a baby? 

Dean finally pulls out a pair of sweatpants and pulls them on. There, that was better. He figured it would likely make both of them feel a little more comfortable, and she’d still be able to touch his skin, if it was something that made her comfortable. 

When Dean climbs into the bed, it’s on the side that’s opposite from the way Meredith is facing. Even in her sleep, Meredith feels the dip of the bed and whines, trying to turn herself so she can face it. She was still having a lot of problems with motor skills, though, especially since Castiel hadn’t yet been by to talk about exercises for physical therapy whenever she was up for it. No one wanted to push her into something she wasn’t ready for, afraid it would have a more harmful effect than it would a good one. 

So, once Dean hears Meredith whimpering, he quickly helps her to turn over. Because she’s still sleeping, she continues to whimper, up until Dean finally settles in and pulls Meredith into his arms – her nose coming to rest against the crook of his neck. She inhales deeply and immediately relaxes, which causes Dean to smile. His hand comes up to cradle the back of her head to his shoulder, pressing gentle kisses to the side of her head while he hums out a tune soothingly. It doesn’t take long before Dean is fast asleep as well, both of them snuggled up into each other. 

Dean is woken by soft knocking on his door. He rolls over, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, seeing it’s just eight a.m. He groans quietly before untangling himself from Meredith’s arms, getting up and opening the door to his room. He pauses in surprise when he sees Castiel. That was one of the last people he’d expected to see. “Uh, Cas. Hey.” 

“Hello, Dean.” Cas says, nodding his head along with his standard greeting. “Sam expressed his concerns to me last night during our nightly phone call about Meredith refusing to talk all day. I figured this was as good a time as any to reintroduce myself to her, so I can maybe figure out what’s going on with her speech as well.” 

Dean can’t help the smile tugging at his lips when Castiel mentions their ‘nightly phone call’ in passing. So cheesy, but at the same time, he was really glad his brother had found someone who complimented him so well. Who was so good for him. “Yeah, yeah. ‘Course.” Dean says, stepping back to allow Castiel in. “She’s still sleeping –” He pauses when he sees a pair of eyes peeking out at him from underneath the covers. “Or, she was. Mornin’, sweetheart.” 

That deep, rumbling voice is one she knows well. Like a distant dream she can’t fully remember, but she remembers bits and pieces of it. The one thing she remembers most, though, is the calm. Meredith has no idea who this man is, but she inexplicably remembers that every time she was around him, she always felt like she was guaranteed to be safe. Not that she felt any different around the Winchesters, it was just a different kind of reassuring feeling. “Hi.” She whispers quietly, so quietly it’s hardly audible. Even still, it causes both Dean and Castiel to breathe a sigh of relief. 

“So, it’s obviously not a physical manifestation of symptoms.” Cas mumbles quietly toward Dean, who in turn sends him a confused look. “It’s not something physically wrong with her that made her not talk yesterday. She chose not to, for whatever reason that may be.” Once he’s done explaining to Dean, in such a quiet voice even Dean had a hard time hearing him, Castiel turns his attention back to Meredith, who’s still laying in the bed peering up at him. “Do you remember me?” He asks softly, coming to the side of the bed so he can kneel next to her. 

“Little bit.” Meredith whispers in return, her green eyes never leaving those piercing blue. She stays silent for a few moments, as if debating on what to say, or if she even wants to speak. “Safe.” She finally decides; Castiel’s heart melting a little bit. He knew he was in way too deep for this to strictly be a patient-doctor relationship, but he cared about the entire family so much, he couldn’t bear to have Meredith’s file be turned over to someone else. Especially not after hearing how much she trusted him, even when she didn’t technically know who he was. 

“That’s right, Mer.” Castiel says quietly, bringing his hand up to gently tuck a piece of hair back behind her ear since it’d been falling in her face. “My name’s Castiel. When the police found you the first time, they immediately called me in to be your doctor. I was one of the first friendly faces you saw… you’ve been my patient ever since.” He pauses, having to stop himself from sounding choked up. He couldn’t believe how far she’d come in the amount of time that he’d been seeing her. “I’m just – wow. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come.” 

So that was why Meredith thought he was safe. Not only because he was one of the first friendly faces she saw, but because he’d taken care of her for all this time while she was sick. A small smile forms on her face. She hopes Castiel knows how grateful she is for everything he’s done for her, even if she doesn’t remember it. “Thank you.” She whispers, and the look in Cas’ eyes shows her he understands she’s not just thanking him for what he’d said just now. 

By this point, Dean had snuck out of the room, knowing she and Castiel were going to have to talk in private if they wanted to get any information out of her about why she’d suddenly decided to stop speaking the day before. Cas gently places his arms around Meredith and helps her up so she’s sitting against the headboard of the bed, settling himself cross-legged in front of her, a reassuring smile still on his lips. “So, I’m sure all this had to be pretty scary for you.” Castiel starts quietly, watching as she quickly averts her gaze from his. “Waking up from a seizure and having no idea where you were or what was happening. Especially because you were unable to communicate you were more aware than you were before.” 

Meredith nods her head slowly. She takes a deep breath, trying to stop herself from stuttering throughout most of the sentences, but it doesn’t work. “Right away, I was trying to ask where I was… but my mind wouldn’t cooperate with my mouth. My mind wouldn’t cooperate with anything. It was scary.” 

Cas nods his head in return, eyes showing his sympathy and understanding. “But how have things been going since you were finally able to show them you were big again?” He asks softly. “Have they been going well? They’ve been treating you well?” 

She’s a little surprised that Castiel is even asking that, since he seems to know the family so well, but even still, Meredith nods her head. “They’ve been amazing.” She says quietly. “Much better than I deserve.” 

It takes Castiel a few moments to process what she said, just because she said it so quietly. He frowns, hoping this would possibly be the start of her talking about just what had happened yesterday. “Is that why you didn’t want to talk yesterday?” Castiel asks softly. He reaches forward to gently tilt her chin up when she tries to avoid his eyes. “I want to help you, Mer. Let me in.” 

“They’re going to hear.” Meredith whispers. Upon seeing the look of confusion on Castiel’s face, she points to that god forsaken baby monitor they still kept in whatever room she was sleeping in, even though she was always sleeping with one of them. 

“Ah.” Cas nods his understanding, getting up from the bed and going to the monitor to turn it off. He knows it will make the family anxious to do so, but Meredith has to feel comfortable if he’s going to get anything out of her. Once he’s back on the bed in front of her, Cas speaks again. “Why do you think they’re treating you better than you deserve?”

Every time Castiel asks her a question, it takes Meredith some time to figure out what she wants to say, and how to say it. She also keeps stuttering, but Castiel is patient, never rushing her. “When… when I was first talking to them, one of them mentioned that I was such a sweet baby and toddler. And I said that must be how they realized something was off about me… because I was such a sweet baby, and then I wasn’t.” 

Cas stays quiet, though his eyes are a little sad. Of course, he’d known she never thought the best things about herself, but it was different when she couldn’t actually tell him what she was thinking. Now he could specifically hear all those awful thoughts. “I’m sure that’s not true.” 

“It is true.” Meredith says quietly. “Of course, da- John denied it quickly. Said that I was great, and I was just scared. But it’s true. I’m still scared. I’m still upset. I’m – I’m mad at myself all the time, and I do nothing but take it out on them.” Meredith doesn’t even have to say that’s why she had decided to not talk the day before; Castiel knows. “T-they never get upset with me, either. They just… let me take out my frustrations on them, and they never even say anything about it.” 

“That’s because they’re not upset with you, Mer.” Castiel says softly, reaching out for her hand so he can squeeze it reassuringly. “They have no idea what’s going through your head right now. They’ve never been in this kind of situation. But they know it has to be extremely frustrating, and confusing, and it probably hurts sometimes, too. They know you don’t mean to lash out on them. They know you’re not actually mad at them, you just have no other way to show your feelings.” 

Meredith swallows hard, feeling tears pricking at her eyes. She brings her hand up to try to wipe them away, but Castiel gently catches her wrist in his grip and uses his other hand to wipe under her eyes gently. “That doesn’t make it right, though.” She whispers. The two of them are silent for a while. “I’m awful. They’re going to get rid of me if I don’t straighten up.” 

Castiel’s eyes widen and he sits upright in the bed, gently grabbing Meredith’s chin to tilt her head up once again. “Meredith, don’t you ever say that.” He says quietly. “John Winchester would never, ever get rid of you. And if he ever even thought about it, Sam and Dean would both be stopping him without a second thought. They love you, no matter if you’re in a good mood or a bad mood. They know this is going to take some adjusting for all of you. They’re not going to get rid of you.” 

She meets Castiel’s gaze when he forces her to, but then Meredith just lowers her gaze again, staying silent. Cas sighs quietly, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck while he tries to think of what to say. “Have you wanted to regress again?” He finally asks quietly. “Because if you have, that could also be a source of your irritation. Trying to fight against it.” 

“I’m not regressing again.” Meredith immediately tenses up, her tone as cold as steel, and Castiel knows she’s desperately been wanting to regress again. If she hadn’t, her answer wouldn’t have been so harsh and quick. 

Cas holds his hands up in surrender, showing he didn’t mean any harm by the comment. “Mer, I know you don’t remember a lot about from when you were regressed, if you remember anything at all. But I’ve been your doctor this whole time, and I’ve never steered you wrong.” He waits until Meredith nods her head in confirmation; that way he knows she’s listening. “I think forcing yourself to not regress is one of the worst things you could do for yourself. Your mind isn’t used to all this stimulation; the adult conversations, having to try to control your emotions, having to eat actual food instead of having a bottle, etc. I just think if you refuse to let yourself regress, that eventually it’s going to pull you under and you’re going to have a hard time slipping out of it again.” 

“What if I don’t want to slip out of it again?” Meredith asks quietly, even surprising herself. She hadn’t even realized she felt that way, let alone that she was actually going to admit it to someone. She couldn’t deny it, though. This whole ‘adult’ thing was too much for her. Constantly having to worry about whether or not she was doing the right thing, trying to control her entire body instead of just letting things happen, having to rationally deal with emotions instead of just letting them out… it was exhausting. She didn’t know how she was going to do it for the rest of her life. 

Castiel pauses, also a little shocked at the question turned confession. “Mer…” He starts off thoughtfully, not wanting to say the wrong thing and upset her. “I don’t think your mind is necessarily going to allow you to just stay little forever. If it was, you wouldn’t have come out of the regression. I think that at least for a while, you’re going to be switching between the two mind states. However,” He once again pauses. “I know John and the boys also wouldn’t mind taking care of you if you decided you wanted to be little all the time.” 

“What do you mean by ‘deciding’ to be little all the time?” Meredith asks, her voice small. Before Castiel can even responds, she gasps in understanding. “You mean, being aware that I’m actually an adult but continuing to act like a baby?” Now Castiel’s wondering if he shouldn’t have said that at all, based on the look on Meredith’s face. “I can’t do that! They’d hate me even more than they do now! I’m already a burden on them because they have to take care of a baby all the time, and that’s when I can’t control it, I can’t do it when I can control it!” 

Cas winces when she mentions them hating her ‘even more’ than they do now, knowing he obviously hadn’t gotten anywhere with telling her they didn’t mind her lashing out at them. But then she’s starting to go into a panic attack, and Cas quickly pulls out his phone, texting the first number that pops up: Sam. ‘John.’ Is the only thing he sends, but he hears footsteps just a few seconds later, so he knows he got the message across. 

John doesn’t bother knocking before he enters the room, which in retrospect is probably a bad idea. Castiel realizes it was a bad idea before John does – since he didn’t tell Meredith he was sending John up, she immediately thought he’d heard everything she was saying. “That wasn’t smart.” Castiel mumbles under his breath as Meredith just starts to cry, because she still doesn’t know how to process her emotions as anything other than crying or anger. Anger was easier, but she was still so upset about the thought of them getting rid of her that she couldn’t manifest any anger even if she tried. 

John is completely confused when Meredith just bursts into tears and keeps apologizing. Castiel looks guilty, and John knows he must’ve said something that upset her – but it was obvious he hadn’t meant to. “Hey, hey…” He says soothingly, immediately going into father mode. He sits down on the bed next to her, placing his arms around her. From the way she was so tense, he had a feeling she was going to fight him – but instead she practically crumples into his chest. 

Meredith hides her face in his neck, and she’s trying to speak, but she’s stuttering so hard even John can’t understand her, and he can usually understand everything she says. Luckily, though, she keeps repeating herself, even as she starts to slowly calm down. “I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to tell him, I didn’t want you to hear it –” 

John raises an eyebrow, looking up to Castiel, who in turn points to the baby monitor. He nods in understanding, before turning back to Meredith, starting to rub her back gently. He nestles his nose into her hair, starting to whisper right against her ear. “Shh, sweetheart. I didn’t hear anything. Castiel just asked me to come up here because you were getting scared. He turned the baby monitor off, I didn’t hear anything. I promise.” His heart is aching, knowing she’s so scared because she thinks he heard something. What could she have said that would make her think he would hate her? What would give her that reaction? 

Meredith whimpers, her fist clenching so tightly into his shirt that her knuckles are turning white. “Shh, baby, it’s okay.” He whispers. “Whatever you said, whatever you confessed to Cas, it’s okay. I promise. I love you, no matter what. Nothing you could say is going to change that.” One of John’s hand comes to cover hers, his thumb rubbing over her knuckles gently. “I’ve got you. I’m right here.” 

“Daddy.” Meredith whimpers again, causing John’s eyes to close, his heart swelling. For a moment, he thought Meredith was going to regress. He really didn’t want her going into the regression like this, though. Not while being so upset. 

“Daddy’s right here, princess.” John promises her again, letting his lips linger on her forehead. “Daddy’s not going anywhere. No matter what happens. You belong here. Nothing is going to change that.” 

The three are silent for a few moments before Castiel is finally the first one to speak up again. “Mer… do you want to tell your family what you’re feeling?” He asks quietly. Meredith whimpers, so Cas decides to rephrase the question. “Do you want me to tell them what you told me? Then you can just snuggle with daddy, and we’ll be able to sort all this out.” 

When Meredith agrees, John scoops her up and settles her on his hip before bringing her downstairs, where both Sam and Dean were sitting now. Sam looked a little sleepy, like Dean had just woken him up, but he woke up quickly when he saw the three of them heading back downstairs. 

Castiel crosses across the living room to sit on the couch next to Sam, stealing a kiss quickly while John gets settled down in the chair with Meredith. Dean smirks lightly as he watches the two of them, before all of them turn their attention back to John – who has his attention focused on Castiel.

Clearing his throat, Castiel nods as the other two men shift their attention toward him. “Meredith mentioned the conversation you had at one point, where she said the reason you must have realized she wasn’t the same was because she used to be sweet and then she wasn’t.” John swallows hard, but he’s doing his best to stay completely calm. He doesn’t want her thinking he’s going to get upset for being honest. “She also mentioned how you denied it, John, but… she still thinks it’s true. She’s also afraid because she’s been lashing out at the three of you lately because she doesn’t know how to express herself otherwise. She doesn’t know how to handle the fact that none of you have ever gotten upset over it, that you just go along with it and let her do it. She’s worried that if she doesn’t ‘straighten up,’ that you three will want to get rid of her.” 

John couldn’t help but to stiffen up at those words, causing Meredith to whimper. “Oh, sweetheart, I’m not upset at you.” He says softly. “I’m upset that I didn’t see how upset you were before. I knew you were having a hard time processing, but I just figured it was normal. I didn’t… I didn’t realize your lashing out was upsetting you so much. I’m so sorry.” 

Castiel clears his throat to get their attention once more. “When I told her that if she fights against her regressions, she may get pulled so far into one that it might be difficult to pull herself out of it, she mentioned that she may not want to pull herself out of it.” Everyone is silent, Meredith burying her face even deeper into John’s shoulder, trying to get impossibly closer to him. “I said that you probably wouldn’t mind if she wanted to be little all the time, but then she mentioned that she would be an even larger burden to you if she was able to control herself and she just didn’t want to… and that you would hate her ‘even more’.” 

Immediately, all three of them start speaking, trying to persuade her that it’s not true, that they would still love her no matter what, that they don’t hate her in the first place, that nothing she could ever do would make them hate her. Meredith whimpers quietly, once again trying to bury herself deeper into John, up until she feels a hand on her back. 

Meredith slowly turns to find Dean standing there, the saddest expression on his face that she’d ever seen, his arms outstretched to her. She can hear John coaxing her to go to him if she wants to, so finally, Meredith reaches out to him. Dean scoops her into his arms, holding her tightly to his chest – this time, it’s like he’s clinging to her instead of the other way around. 

Although it was her and Sammy’s thing, Dean rests his forehead against Meredith’s, his eyes falling shut while he runs his fingers through her hair. “Meredith… I love you, so much.” He says quietly. “I know for a while, you and I didn’t have the same kind of bond you and Sammy did. But when you woke up and we didn’t know it, when dad asked if you wanted to go to Sammy, but instead you wanted to go to me… my heart melted. I love you, more than you could ever possibly understand. I don’t know what I would do without you in my life, whether it’s big or little. Okay? I know this is stressful, and you’re scared, and this is all confusing, but we want to work you through it. Please let us help you.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cas fucks up. Dean has a realization. Drama ensues. 
> 
> Trigger warning for self hate, panic attacks, and just some major drama and angsty stuff in general. 
> 
> Feel free to let me know what you think! Hope you guys like it!

Meredith was currently sprawled out on the couch, her upper half of her body across Dean’s legs, her head cradled in the crook of Dean’s elbow, and her legs on the actual couch itself. Dean’s fingers are stroking through her blonde hair gently, looking like he’s watching her, though he’s mostly just zoned out. He still can’t believe everything he heard. Everything that Meredith was thinking. 

“I wonder if she was abused before the TBI.” He mumbles quietly, causing Sam to look up at him. John and Cas were currently in the kitchen, discussing Meredith’s care and her mental state, leaving the two brothers to sit in silence. “Because the way she’s thinking… the way her mind works, that’s the mind of an abused person. But she doesn’t remember anything from being regressed. So maybe her mind just unconsciously remembers, or… they hurt her before they hurt her bad enough to give her a TBI.” 

Sam nods his head. He’d been thinking along the same lines, though he didn’t want to be the one to say it out loud. “If that’s true, and she was abused before she ended up regressing, I wonder why she didn’t get out while she still could.” 

“I’m sure there are plenty of reasons she couldn’t.” Dean says, making Sam nod again. He did have a point. “If they had her tied up a lot of the time, if they were starving her, so she was so weak she wouldn’t have been able to fight them… hell, even if they just had her scared enough that she would submit to anything they did purely out of fear for her life, any of that could have been enough to make her stay.” 

The atmosphere in the Winchester household for the next few days was tense. No one quite knew what to do. The guys didn’t know the best way to help Meredith, and Meredith kept feeling more and more awful, because she knew she was the cause of all this tension and pain they were feeling. 

It also didn’t help that Meredith kept wanting to regress, and the urge was just getting more and more intense. The more her urges increased, the more vicious her cycle of emotions got. She was so irritated and frustrated with everyone and everything because of her urge, and then she would lash out, which would make her even more upset. It was also making her more upset that they never, ever got upset with her – even though she never wanted them to get upset with her, she knew she deserved it. She knew they deserved so much better than her. 

John and Castiel were talking frequently about Meredith. John felt so helpless. He had no idea what he could do to help her, to help pull her out of this cycle she had gotten so stuck in. During one of their phone conversations, in a hushed voice, John told Castiel what he had finally realized. “I don’t think she even consciously knows she’s doing it, but I think she’s trying to be a ‘burden’ on us, as she would call it.” He says quietly, quickly looking around to make sure no one was listening. “She keeps getting upset, keeps lashing out, but I think she keeps wondering why we’re not getting upset with her. Subconsciously thinking that if she’s ‘bad’ enough, that we’d get rid of her… and then her theory would be proven.” 

Castiel was silent for a few moments, nodding, although John couldn’t see it. “I could see that. Especially if she truly was abused before she got the traumatic brain injury like Sam and I have been discussing as a possibility. She woke up to this loving and caring environment, but the longer she spends aware, she more she remembers about her old life. More than likely, she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. Waiting until she’s proven right, just like she’s likely been so many times before.” 

Castiel decided he was going to come over to see if there was anything he could do. He came right in the middle of one of Meredith’s meltdowns, where she was angrily lashing out at all three of the men. None of them said anything at all, just continuing to try to calm her down. Cas takes a deep breath, really not wanting to do this, but he at least has to try it out… He just has to remember that sometimes, being the doctor means being the bad guy. Especially considering Meredith didn’t have a therapist, it was up to Castiel to try to figure out what to do. 

Cas comes up behind Sam, touching his shoulder lightly. Sam glances up from Meredith for a second, meeting Castiel’s eyes. Cas sends him an expression that says he’s sorry – and Sam doesn’t have time to figure out what for before Castiel’s doing it. “Okay, Meredith. That’s enough. You don’t need to treat them like that, they’re just trying to help you.”

Immediately, all three men are turning to look at him with horrified looks in their eyes. Castiel’s waiting with bated breath, ignoring the three men’s expressions and instead watching Meredith. He’s praying she’ll either take it okay, or that it’ll make her go to one of the other guys. Although he doesn’t want to be the bad guy, it would be worth it to be the bad guy if it got her closer to either Sam, Dean, or John.

Instead, Meredith just curls in on herself, her breath hitching in her throat. Her mind was reeling. The entire time, she knew she was being terrible. She really wasn’t trying to be – she just had no other way that she knew of to express her emotions. She loved them so much, and every time she got upset with them, it made her hate herself even more. But now someone else was telling her that she was being awful. They really were going to get rid of her, weren’t they? She needed to get her act together. 

Vaguely, Meredith can hear someone saying her name over and over, but she’s too out of it, lost in her own thoughts, to even pay attention to it. Furious, Sam quickly gets up and pushes Castiel out of the living room and into the kitchen. “What the hell was that, Cas?!” He asks, his hand gesturing back to the living room. “You know how upset she gets when she gets mad at us! You know she doesn’t try to do it, she just gets overwhelmed! This entire time we’ve been trying to show her it’s okay, and then you come in and scold her without even talking to any of us about it?!” 

Cas practically shrinks in on himself, sort of like the time when Castiel had to scold Sam over not taking care of himself. “Sam… I’m sorry.” He says quietly, avoiding his boyfriend’s gaze. “I was – I was hoping she would either take it okay, or it would make her want to come to one of you more. Sometimes… sometimes being the doctor means you have to be the bad guy, like the few times I had to ‘hurt’ her by giving her an IV or a specific medicine to help her. I’d never purposely try to hurt her, Sam. You know that. I just… didn’t make the right decision this time.”

“Well, Cas, maybe you should’ve talked to one of us before you just decided you were going to do this on your own. I know you’re the doctor and you think you know what’s best for her and we don’t, because we don’t have medical experience, but we do live with her all the time. You don’t. Any one of us could have told you that was a horrible idea.” Sam exhales deeply, closing his eyes for a moment while he tries to find his zen and calm himself. Sam finally reaches out to grasp Castiel’s shoulder gently. “I know you wouldn’t purposely try to hurt her. I just… this was a bad idea, Cas.” He stays silent for a moment before stepping forward to kiss his cheek, then taking a few steps back. “I’ll call you later.” 

Sam disappears from the kitchen, leaving Castiel to show himself out. He really does feel terrible for how that all worked out. He honestly didn’t think it was going to work out like that. Cas thought she’d get upset with him, and then she’d go to John or someone for comfort, instead of continuing to lash out on them. He didn’t think she was going to just completely shut down from all of them. Castiel stands there for a minute to get his bearings back before trudging out the door, going out to his car so he can drive home. 

Sam’s heart breaks when he goes back into the living room. Dean’s sitting in the armchair across the room, trying to give Meredith some space. John is sitting next to her on the couch, his voice gentle and soothing as he tries to coax her into relaxing a little bit. 

Meredith can still vaguely hear the different voices talking to her, but she’s still having a hard time pulling herself from her thoughts. Her mind is racing, thinking back to all of the times her old ‘caretakers’ as the Winchesters called them had talked to her in that stern voice. That stern voice that always turned worse. That always turned into physical pain, or hunger. She shivered, thinking back on all the times she would say a simple sentence, or a few words, and they would refuse to give her dinner for the night. 

Sometimes Meredith thought they just did it for fun. Other times, because they thought she deserved it. And yet other times where they were so high out of their minds, they probably didn’t know what they were doing anyway. Those times were always the worst… they always got the cruelest when they had absolutely no inhibitions on what they were doing. 

“Meredith, sweetheart, I need you to come back to me.” Meredith’s eyes suddenly focus in on a pair of worried hazel eyes, and her own eyes widen, her breath hitching in her throat again. Her lower lip trembles, her eyes filling with tears, but she’s trying so hard to keep them at bay.

“There you are.” Sam whispers softly, his hand coming up to cup her cheek, stroking over her cheekbone before bringing his thumb up to stroke right around her eye. “There’s my sweet Meredith. I see you in there, sweetheart.” 

Meredith was unaware that she’d been mumbling things out loud. Most of the things she was mumbling didn’t make sense to the three men, but they could piece some things together and make at least a partial picture. The one thing Sam understood the most was when she was mumbling about them hurting her while they were high. Sam’s heart is aching, knowing that one simple sentence toward her had made her go so far back into all of these memories that her mind had been trying to hide from her for so long. 

A small smile forms on his face as Meredith continues looking at him. Most of the time he would feel a little unnerved at how she wasn’t even blinking, but he understood. She was scared. She was confused. She had gotten used to how things were going, and that all had changed in the matter of a few seconds. She probably had no idea what was going to happen now, afraid that everything would have changed. 

After a few seconds of Sam’s thumb stroking next to her eye, Meredith finally leaned into his touch. Sam breathes a quiet sigh of relief, leaning forward so he can gently kiss her forehead. “You’re right here with us, sweetheart. With Sammy, De, and Daddy. You’re not with them anymore, and you’re never going to be with them again.” 

Meredith swallows hard, her eyes searching Sam’s, like she’s trying to find answers to questions he doesn’t know. He wants to give her all those answers that she needs, he wants to show her everything is going to be fine, no matter what. “What happened to them?” Meredith finally asks quietly, catching her bottom lip between her teeth. “Y-you keep saying that I’m never going to be with them again, but how do you know?” 

Sam sighs quietly, lowering his hand from Meredith’s cheek, turning so he can look at John and Dean. She deserves to know the truth, but how is the best way to say it? Who’s the best person to say it to her? Obviously, they all know she and Sam share that connection – it was just shown once again by how Sam was able to pull her from her thoughts – but John was her father figure. Then again, she and Dean had been getting much closer lately. It was really just a toss up on who should tell her. 

Finally, John reaches his hand out for her. Meredith reaches her hand out back to him, so John gently pulls her into his lap, nuzzling his nose into her hair again. “Sweetheart, they… they’re dead.” He says quietly. He feels Meredith tensing up, knowing she wouldn’t know how to act or what to think about that. He could see her wanting to feel relieved because of it, but at the same time, she would feel like a bad person if she was relieved that people were dead. “They overdosed from the drugs they would do in front of you frequently. This was way after you got your traumatic brain injury, so you were obviously already regressed. They’d gotten you some basic necessities, like a crib… that’s where police found you, a couple days after they had overdosed.”

Meredith stays silent, nodding her head slowly. She slowly leans back into John’s chest, so he wraps his arms around her waist. Her back was flush against his chest, John’s nose still nuzzled into her hair, pressing little kisses to her hair every few seconds. “I’m sorry about everything that happened tonight.” He says quietly. “I – we didn’t know Castiel was going to say something like that, honey. We didn’t tell him to say that. We know you have a hard enough time as it is, you don’t need someone scolding you.” 

Her breath hitches in her throat, causing John to look up at the boys worriedly. That was always a sign that something was about to happen. But instead, Meredith just turned her head to the side, so she can hide her face in John’s neck. They can all see her lower lip trembling, but none of them say anything. 

Although mentally Meredith was an adult, physically she was still having a hard time catching up to that. The overstimulation of her brain was hard enough. Add on the wanting to regress and the fact that she just wasn’t as strong as she used to be, and she was exhausted. Meredith started to relax when she felt John’s hand traveling up and down her back, and soon enough she was finally asleep. 

John sighs in relief when she falls asleep, glad they had avoided a total and complete meltdown from Castiel’s words. “Did you tell him that wasn’t okay?” John asks Sam in a low voice, showing his anger. “Because that was fucking awful. He didn’t even think to talk to me about it? Me? Who’s been acting as her father for all this time?” 

Sam sighs, looking down at the floor. “I know, dad. Trust me, I reamed him a new one. Feel a little bad about it, actually, just from the way I spoke to him… he did tell me that he wasn’t expecting that to happen. That he would never try to hurt her, and we should know that, considering how long she’s been taking care of her. He just knew that sometimes as her doctor that he has to be the bad guy. He was hoping that by acting as the bad cop, it would make her cling to one of us acting as the good cop. He wasn’t expecting her to just isolate herself.”

Dean’s jaw was clenched as he listened to the conversation between the two, saying absolutely nothing. There was really nothing for him to say. Lately, Dean had been noticing something different in his feelings toward Meredith. Right from the get-go, he’d never really thought of Meredith as his sister. Of course, he loved her more than anything, and he was so glad he got to take care of her, but it was never in a sisterly way. And now… now Dean was starting to understand exactly why that was. 

It was completely strange. It was a feeling he couldn’t quite explain yet, but he had a feeling that he was actually falling for Meredith. While she was still regressed, Dean never thought he could’ve gotten that sort of feeling for her. Not after taking care of her and changing her diapers and feeding her and bathing her. But, yet, here it was. He couldn’t explain it, and at the same time, he didn’t want to. Dean knew he would have to keep this to himself for a while yet. They didn’t even know how long Meredith was going to be big, if she was going to regress for months yet again. Everything was also so overwhelming for her already, he didn’t need to add another stressor onto her without even knowing what could come of it. 

With dinner came yet another little temper tantrum. John tried to wipe her mouth and Meredith snapped at him that she could do it on her own. But, almost as soon as she’d done so, she realized what she’d done – and shoved her chair back from the table. Dean jumps up to catch the chair before it goes toppling over with her in it, eyes widening. “Mer, honey, it’s okay –” He says quickly, but quickly pulls his hand away in surrender when she tries to rip her arm away from his grip. 

Her eyes filling with tears, her chest immediately starting to heave, all three knew she was about to spiral into a panic attack. Dean’s pissed all over again because of what Cas had to say, and how badly it had affected Meredith. He was trying to remember that Cas really hadn’t meant to harm her in any way, but it was hard to remember that when she could hardly hold herself up and yet she was scrambling to get away from all of them. 

“It’s not okay!” Meredith says in a shrill tone, her breathing ragged as she looked around from John, to Dean, to Sam. All three were standing near her, but trying to stay a decent distance away, not wanting to crowd her so much that she freaked out even more. 

Sam, Dean, and John all glanced at each other, once again having their silent conversation with their eyes. After a few seconds, Sam finally steps forward, his hands held up in defense. “Sweetheart, it’s okay.” Sam says soothingly, repeating what Dean had said just a couple minutes prior. He winces when she repeats herself again, and he’s nervous, because he can see she’s definitely unsteady on her feet, but he can’t get any nearer to her without her freaking out. “Why do you think it’s not okay, love?” 

“Because it’s not! It’s not okay! None of this is okay! Why would you think any of this is okay?!” Meredith continues to back up until her back hits the wall, and she almost stumbles, which causes Sam to try to step near her quickly. She flinches, then winces as her head bumps against the wall. “Because I don’t deserve any of this! I don’t deserve your kindness, I don’t deserve to be taken care of, I don’t deserve any of the love you’re giving me.” 

John’s eyes start to fill with tears as he watches Meredith having such a rough panic attack. All of his fatherly instincts are telling him to go over to her and pull her into his chest, hold her in that tight restricting grip that always calmed her down, let her nuzzle her nose into his neck, rock her back and forth, and rub her back. He wants to do all of that, and the only thing he can do is stand there helplessly and watch, hoping that something Sam has to say will help her come out of it a little bit. 

“Mer, you deserve all the good things in the world.” Sam says quietly. “I know what Castiel said to you earlier really shook you. It did the same thing to all of us, because none of us were expecting it. I know what he said brought you back to that awful time in your life that your mind was trying so hard to get away from. But baby girl, you’re not there anymore. You’re here with us now. You deserve so much love, and kindness, and praise. You deserve all the good the world has to give, especially because of how much you’ve had to suffer through in your life.”

“Not with how I’ve been treating you! Not with how awful I’ve been!” Now it’s Dean’s turn to wince when he hears how much she’s stuttering because she’s so freaked out. He glances toward his dad, his heart aching a little bit when he sees the tears that are just about to fall from John’s eyes. “I deserved all of that! I deserved to have my dinner taken away most nights, and for them to hit me when I was being bad. I deserved the hunger and the pain. I still do! I’m the worst! You all have been nothing but kind to me, and I treat you like shit in return! Castiel was right with what he said to me earlier!” 

Sam sighs softly, taking another little step toward her. “No one deserves to be hungry or hurt, baby.” He answers quietly, wishing he could find a way to convince her of his words. “Especially not you. And sweetheart, he wasn’t right. No one is upset with you because of you getting upset. Like we’ve said, this is a learning process for all of us. This is taking adjusting for all of us. And honey… I can tell you’re still fighting tooth and nail to not regress again, and baby, even Cas told you that wasn’t a good idea. You’re just hurting yourself by doing it.” 

“I’m a burden on you, Sam.” She whimpers, her voice finally dropping from its shrill pitch and instead going to a defeated tone. “I’m a burden on all of you. At least with normal babies, they grow up and you don’t have to watch them so much. With me, that’s… that’s not a thing. And even when I’m not regressed to a baby, when I’m a little older, I’m still in diapers and you still feed me bottles, and you guys don’t deserve any of that! You deserve –” Her breathing goes ragged, looking down, so Sam manages to steal a couple more steps toward her, nervous for what’s about to happen. “You deserve someone who’s not so broken. You deserve someone who’s better than me. A good baby, if you even want a baby.” 

John is praying that her saying this doesn’t have anything to do with when he took Julia in. He felt awful enough for that already. If it had affected even her big mind, John didn’t think he’d ever be able to forgive himself. This time, it’s John who speaks up, slowly stepping so he’s a little bit behind Sam, but Meredith can still see him. “Darling, you keep talking about being a burden on us but that’s the farthest thing from the truth. We love taking care of you. We love little you, and we love big you, even if big you isn’t in a good mood. You’re my baby girl no matter what, and that’s not going to change just because you’re in a bad mood.” He sighs, thinking back to Castiel’s conversation earlier. “And none of us hate you, sweet pea. That is the farthest thing from the truth. I just wish I could understand why you are so adamant on thinking that we hate you.” 

When John looks up to Meredith again, she’s holding her head in her hands, her chest heaving with how hard she’s breathing. The room is spinning, and she feels like she’s going to throw up. She’d been fighting the regression for a couple weeks now, and it seemed like it was all finally coming to a halt. “You want to know why I keep thinking you hate me?!” Meredith almost screams, causing all of them to look at her in shock. “Because I fucking hate myself!” 

“Baby.” John breathes out quietly, unable to believe what he’s hearing. He was pretty sure that was the first time he’d ever heard Meredith use that word. However, he had no time to dwell on it as Meredith’s knees buckled beneath her.

All three men ran to get to her, but Sam was the one who ended up getting there in time to swoop her up and place her against his chest. He tries to hold her like he normally does, on his hip, but her body is completely limp. Sam ends up holding her tight against his chest, his hand cradling her head to his shoulder, his eyes worried.

Big Meredith was gone, and their infant Meredith was back.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drama ensues from Cas's fuck up. John's a sappy, cute father. 
> 
> My muse has been so low lately, and when I finally get muse, it's not for any of my works in progress that I have posted. It's either one shots or like tonight, I started a brand new story. So, I apologize if this is shit, and I understand if y'all are tired of reading looool. 
> 
> Let me know what you think. If you think it's time I should just find a way to wrap it up, or if I should try to keep going with it. Much love.

“Damn it!” Dean swears, bringing his fist down against the table. This immediately causes Meredith to whimper, and attempt to bury herself even closer to Sam, even in her infant mind state.

“Alright, Dean, how about you go take a breather?” John says quietly, in a tone that shows it wasn’t a suggestion. Dean responds by storming outside, not even bothering to put on a coat as he goes to sit on the front porch. 

He’s sitting on the steps of the front porch, head held in his hands. Dean tugs on his hair in frustration, feeling terrible. He feels like he should have been able to do something to prevent this situation. Tried to get Meredith to regress more quickly, tried to get her to regress voluntarily… somehow figure out what Castiel was going to do and stop him… the list was endless. Dean would go back and change everything if he could.

He picks his head up from his hands when he hears movement in the driveway. Dean raises an eyebrow when he sees a familiar car pull up, chuckling bitterly when Castiel steps out. “Speak of the devil.” He comments, watching Castiel freeze when he sees Dean sitting right there. “You’ve got a lot of nerve showing up again tonight.” 

Cas sighs, fidgeting with his fingers nervously for a moment. He nods, coming to sit beside Dean on the stairs, looking up to the inky black sky where there’s a few stars present. The two are silent for a while before Castiel finally speaks up again. “I didn’t mean to hurt her, Dean.” He says quietly. “I know that doesn’t make up for what I did. But I truly didn’t want to hurt her.” 

“Yeah, well, it forced her back into a regression, to the point where she can’t even hold her damn head up. So, sorry if I’m not exactly taking your apology right now.” Dean mutters bitterly, looking down at where his feet are resting on the step below him. 

Castiel freezes again when he hears Meredith sunk back into her regression, obviously not voluntarily. He sighs, fidgeting with his fingers again. “You don’t need to forgive me.” He says quietly. “I’m not expecting forgiveness. I just want all of you to know it truly wasn’t my intention to hurt her.” 

Dean grunts his response, causing Castiel to sigh. He stays out there with Dean a few more minutes before letting himself inside, wincing when he hears crying. He’s heard that crying many times before, only this time it sounds different. He can see what Dean meant when he talked about Meredith regressing to such a young age. Cas had a feeling he’d never seen her at such a young mind state.

There was a low cooing noise coming from the nursery, along with the cries, so Castiel slowly heads in there. He stands in the doorway, watching as Sam and John are trying to get Meredith changed and ready for bed. A small smile forms when he sees Sam had just managed to get a diaper strapped onto her, and Meredith was already peeing in it. Sam groans quietly, but there’s a little smile on his face as well. He couldn’t be mad at her. 

When John saw movement out of the corner of his eye, he turned to look at the doorway, expecting Dean. His expression immediately turned angry when he saw it was Castiel, moving silently to the doorway and shutting the nursery door behind him as he pushes both of them out of the nursery. “What the hell do you think you’re doing here?” He growls.

Castiel sighs again. He’d realized the family was angry with him, and they had every right to be – but if he had known Meredith had regressed, he certainly wouldn’t have come by that night to apologize. He would’ve waited a day or so, until they got the fresh anger out of their systems. “I wanted to tell you in person that I’m sorry.” Castiel says quietly. “I figured Sam would let you know I was sorry, but I wanted to tell you myself. I truly didn’t mean to harm Meredith in any way.” He pauses. “I also wanted to let you know that I will be switching her to a different doctor.”

John’s angry gaze had at first turned just a titch softer, until Castiel mentioned switching her doctor – then it turned murderous. “The hell you mean you’re switching her to a different doctor?” He growls. “She trusts you, Castiel. We all trusted you to take care of her and keep her out of harms way. You fucked that up, but that doesn’t mean any other doctor is going to do better than you. You know her better than any other medical professional. And you’re the one she’s dealt with all this time while regressed. You better not fucking transfer her.” 

Castiel stays silent while John practically yells at him, though his voice is still low because he doesn’t want Meredith to hear him being angry. “John, you’re correct. I fucked up. I believe I fucked up because I’m way too invested in this case. My judgment is clouded because of me dating Sam. I don’t want to fuck anything else up.” 

“You listen to me, and you listen to me good.” John says quietly, his voice nearly a hiss. “You are not transferring her to a different doctor. I am not going to spend months of my life trying to get her to trust a different doctor when I have a perfectly good one right here. You’re going to completely forget about the fact that you’re dating Sam when you’re dealing with her. Don’t get me wrong, Castiel. You make my boy happy, and there’s nothing more that I want for him. But when you’re dealing with Meredith, you don’t even think about Sam. You think about her and nothing else. Do you understand me?” 

His chest feels a little tight, and Cas isn’t sure why. It could be because the entire family was pissed off at him, it could be because he’d completely fucked up the treatment of someone he cared so much about, or it could be because he’s a little choked up that John still thinks he’s good for Sam and that he still wants him as Meredith’s doctor even after he screwed up so badly. Castiel finally nods a few seconds later, eyes trained downward. Although he and John are equals, and he in fact may even be an ‘authority’ figure as the doctor, he still thinks of John as an authority figure; probably due to his commanding presence. “I understand, sir.” 

“Good.” John answers before opening the nursery door back up, a small smile forming when he sees Sam’s managed to get Meredith back into another clean diaper and into a onesie as well. Meredith had originally been compliant when he’d shut the door, but by the time he and Castiel entered again, she was practically wailing.

Sam was attempting to calm her, but all of his attempts were in vain. Her hands were clenched into tight fists, and by her facial expression, John could tell she wasn’t sad – she was confused and pissed off. Rightfully so. Just by the way she was acting, and by her expressions, John felt like she was likely only a few weeks old. His sweet little girl.

A small smile forming on his face, he reaches his arms out toward Sam. Very carefully, the two manage to get Meredith transferred between them. John cradles her in front of his chest, his hand pressing her head toward his shoulder, so her chin was resting on his shoulder. Almost as soon as Meredith was snuggled up against him and comfortable, she had started to settle down.

“Sometimes a girl just needs her daddy.” John mumbles quietly, just like he had all that time ago. He turns his head, so he can press a gentle kiss to the side of her head. “I love you so much, sweet princess.” He whispers. “We’re right here. You’re okay. You’re safe. We’ll take care of you.” 

Although Meredith obviously couldn’t understand what he was saying, she seemed to relax a little bit more in his hold. John had a feeling that was just from the sound of his voice, making his heart swell. Knowing that he could relax his little girl just by holding her and talking to her was something he’d dreamt about for so long when she first came to him, and now it was a reality. 

Sam watches the pair with a fond look in his eyes for a few moments before turning to see his boyfriend standing there. He gives him a little smile, glancing back to John and making sure both he and Meredith were okay, before slowly exiting the nursery and pulling Castiel out with him. “You know this probably wasn’t the best time for you to come back.” He says quietly.

Castiel nods in agreement. “I wasn’t planning on coming back tonight.” He confesses. “But I felt awful. I wanted to come back and apologize to Dean and your father. I knew you would tell them I didn’t mean it, but I wanted to tell them myself.” He glances to the mostly-shut nursery door. “If I had known she’d regressed, though, I would’ve waited for a bit.” 

Sam sighs, running his fingers through his hair. “She’s really young, Cas.” He says quietly. “I think you were right when you said if she refuses to regress that she’s going to regress hard and not be able to come out of it.” 

Cas offers Sam a small smile, reaching out to touch his shoulder. “There’s nothing you or your family could have done, Sam. You tried to make sure she felt comfortable regressing, but she refused. It’s not as though you could force her into regression. I’m sure she’ll pull herself out of it again once she’s ready.” He pauses. “Considering…”

“Considering she wasn’t sure she’d want to slip out of it again anyway.” Sam finishes Castiel’s train of thought, sighing once again. “I just hate that she went into the regression so violently. You know, we’ve dealt with her being an infant before… but never this young. I’m worried that we’ll have taken other steps back, too. Steps in her recovery and making sure she knows it’s okay to make her needs and wants known.” 

“Well, based on the way she was crying when your father and I just entered the room, I’d say she still thinks it’s okay to make noise.” Castiel answers a few moments later. “I also think there’s the possibility that she’s just far too young to remember anything about it – to even think about the fact that she may be hurt for making her needs known.” 

Sam breathes out a sigh of relief, nodding. He hadn’t even thought about that. “Well, let’s hope that’s the case, then.” He says quietly. “Because if we just went all the way back in her recovery once again… I don’t know what dad would do. I don’t know what we all would do, honestly.” 

“Sam… you are more than welcome to say no, but would I be able to stay with you for the night?” Castiel asks quietly, his voice a little shy; afraid of rejection, although he knew it was likely coming. “I would like to stay with you and help your family work through all of this.” 

Staying silent for a few moments, Sam finally nods his head. “Yeah… yeah, you can stay with me for the night. But tonight, you can’t do anything to help out dad or Dean. They’re way too pissed at you for that. So, you can stay with me, but just me.” 

Castiel nods his head in agreement. “I suppose that’s a fair point. I’ll stay out of sight for a while, but at least that way I’ll be here in case something happens with Meredith’s condition, and I’ll be able to help you guys out if there’s anything I can do.” 

Sam skims his hand down Castiel’s arm, reaching down to lace their fingers together. “They’ll forgive you, Cas.” He murmurs quietly, nudging his nose against Castiel’s cheek. “It’s just going to take some time because they care about Meredith so much.” 

“I know. And I know you care about Meredith just as much as they do, Sam.” Castiel answers quietly. “I know you’re still angry with me and you have every right to be. Thank you for not just shutting me out, though.” 

The pair disappear together into Sam’s room. They both know things are going to be awkward and tense between them for a while, but at least they’re going to work through it. They’d all been through so much together that Castiel was a part of the family now. And you don’t give up on family – even if they’re not blood. 

John was slowly moving around the nursery, Meredith all curled up into his chest. She’s hardly moving, only moving her head a little bit every so often. She’d lift her head then immediately drop it back down onto John’s shoulder, little squeaks escaping her mouth every so often as she adjusted. “My sweet little girl.” He whispers, fingers running through her blonde hair gently. “Daddy’s right here, princess. Everything’s okay now. No one’s ever going to hurt you ever again.”

Meredith crashed pretty soon after John started carrying her around the nursery. With all of the exhaustion her body had been experiencing as of late, due to all of the physical and mental stimulation, she desperately needed the sleep she was finally going to get. 

Once Meredith had simmered down, John stopped wandering around with her, instead sitting down in the rocking chair, cradling her in his arms. He brushes some hair out of her face, smoothing it back from her forehead. There’s such an innocent expression on her face that John’s heart can hardly stand it. John reaches over towards the dresser, where a pacifier was laying on top of it. He just barely manages to grasp it between two fingertips, pulling it over to him so he can gently brush it against Meredith’s lips. She obediently opens her mouth to take it in, but John has to hold it in her mouth for a few moments before her instincts start to take over and she starts sucking on it. 

Although John isn’t happy about how Meredith came into the regression, he couldn’t help but feel a little relieved by it. She’d been getting so irritated and fussy, and hour by hour he could see more energy being drained out of her. At least this way he could truly take care of her again. And even though it had only been a couple days, he’d missed having his little girl around. 

He’d missed getting to bathe her without her being completely mortified by it. He missed feeding her, making her bottles, snuggling up with her at night when she got tired but was still refusing to sleep, just like a normal fussy toddler. John missed getting to love on her any opportunity he got. Missed her constantly crawling over to him and reaching up to him any time she wanted attention. He missed her constantly craving the boys’ affection, that wide smile that formed on her face whenever she saw Sam, the way both of them could pull her into their arms and she would snuggle up so contently. 

John was also excited to get to know the new Meredith, of course, but he wanted to get to know her in a better way than what had just been happening. A little bit at a time, with the regressions whenever she needed or wanted them. He didn’t want her irritated all the time. He didn’t want her forcing herself to be big. He didn’t want her embarrassed over everything he did, when there was absolutely no reason for it. John knew Meredith was going to be just as much of a sweetheart when big as she was when she was little. She just couldn’t be her sweet, normal self if she was so irritated all the time because she was constantly fighting her mind. 

“You’re safe.” John murmurs quietly, stroking his hand over her back gently. He tilts his head back to lean against the wooden back of the rocking chair, eyes drifting shut for a few brief moments. “I know things have been scary lately. I know there’s been so much change happening. But no matter how scary things get, or how much things change, I will always be here for you. I will always be your daddy – or… or John, if you ever decide you’re not comfortable calling me that. I love you, Mer.” 

John startles when he hears suddenly hears something over to his right, but he relaxes when he sees Dean standing in the doorway of the nursery, leaning against the door with his arms crossed over his chest, his smile mirroring John’s. “Y’know, I never thought I would see the day when John Winchester got so sappy.” Dean teases.

He steps further into the nursery when John rolls his eyes, chuckling quietly. “Not that things were bad when we were growing up… but I just can’t help but to wonder how differently things would’ve gone if Sammy was a girl, or if we had a little sister. I don’t think either of us would’ve gotten the time of day over her.” He grins.

John smiles down to the passed out girl in his arms, his heart once again swelling as he sees her contently sucking on her pacifier. “I’m kind of glad she finally regressed again.” John confesses quietly. “I want to have her be big, because that was always the goal… but when she’s big, I don’t want her constantly fighting her mind. I want her to be okay with regressing.” 

Dean nods his head in understanding. “I know.” He says quietly. “She knows she’s safe when she’s with us. But when she’s so upset with herself, she can’t get comfortable enough to truly get through anything she needs to process.” 

John nods, yawning quietly as he pulls Meredith up to his chest, using his hand to cradle her head back against his shoulder. “Well, son, it’s been a long few days for all of us. I think it’s time we get some much needed sleep, and let Mer do the same. I’m going to keep her with me tonight, then we’ll see what happens tomorrow. Go with the flow.” 

John startles awake for a reason he’s not sure of. He stays still in the bed for a few moments before finally reaching over to flick the light on the lowest setting. He glances over to where Meredith is laying in the bed next to him – still confined by the pillows he’d placed under the fitted sheet to ensure she wouldn’t roll out in the middle of the night. But the last time he’d looked at her, right before falling asleep, she was fast asleep. This time, her eyes were wide open, and she was staring at the ceiling. 

“Mer?” John asks softly, eyes turning a little worried when she doesn’t even acknowledge him. “Meredith, sweetheart.” He says again softly, bringing his hand up to gently stroke the back of his fingers against her cheek. John sees some movement out of the corner of his eye, so he glances down to see her fidgeting with her hands, her fingers rubbing against the fingers of her other hand. He glances back up to her, watching her carefully. 

It was a good thirty seconds or so before Meredith’s eyes moved again, but she kept looking up at the ceiling. John stays silent a few more seconds, biting his lip. “…Sweetheart?” He finally asks again quietly, breathing a sigh of relief when she actually acknowledges him by turning her head toward the sound. Her eyes take a few seconds to follow, but eventually her green eyes meet his hazel, and he smiles gently. “Hi there, beautiful.” John says softly. “You okay?” 

He knows he’s not going to get a response, but Meredith smiles at him, and that’s at least enough to make him okay for now. John would talk to Castiel about it in the morning and see what he thought about it. John pulls Meredith toward him again, smiling when he feels her nuzzling her nose into his neck. 

John’s eyes fall shut, and he’s just about to fall asleep again when he suddenly hears a loud growl from Meredith’s stomach. He feels his own stomach filling with a sense of dread upon realizing she must be starving, but she’s not giving any indication of it. “Are you hungry, sweetheart?” He asks softly, stroking his fingers over her cheek again. 

He raises from the bed, stretching his arms before scooping Meredith up in his arms, snuggling her tightly to his chest. John heads downstairs to make her a bottle, blinking the sleep out of his eyes when he does so. It’s a little difficult to get the bottle ready while he has to hold Meredith so tightly to him, but he’s done it before, so he manages it fairly easily. 

Once it’s ready, Meredith still doesn’t make a noise, but John can tell she’s immediately searching for it because she can smell it. He brings her back up to the nursery, since it’s the most convenient place when he has to hold her so specifically, since he can settle down in the rocking chair. Once John gets her cradled in his arm, so her head is rested in the crook of his elbow, he pulls the pacifier from her mouth and guides the bottle in instead.

While she eats, John can feel her diaper must be full. He feels like his heart is breaking, knowing all this stuff was wrong, and Meredith hadn’t even made a damn noise. Add that onto whatever the hell had happened earlier when she hadn’t even acknowledged him, and John was one worried father. 

“I wish you could understand me.” John whispers softly, pushing his body with his toes so he can rock the chair back and forth while she continues to eat. “I wish you could understand how much we love you. How no matter what happens, no matter what you need, we’ll always do whatever we can to make it a reality. No one’s ever going to hurt you, sweetness.” He says quietly, a sad smile having formed on his face. “I really hope we didn’t just go back to square one because of stubbornness.” He was a little afraid that was what had happened, though. Now who knew what would happen when Meredith finally managed to pull herself out of the regression again? Would they have gone back in all of that progress, too? 

John couldn’t help feeling like a failure. He should have been able to help her more than he did. He prided himself on knowing Meredith better than anyone, and yet he hadn’t been able to help her enough to where she didn’t hate herself. He hadn’t been able to get her comfortable with regressing. He hadn’t even been able to get Meredith fully comfortable around him again, and that was what hurt the most. John was completely fine with taking care of her in any aspect she needed, but she just seemed embarrassed.

He kept trying to show her it was okay. That she didn’t need to be embarrassed. He wasn’t looking at her in any sort of way – he was just her father, and to him, that meant doing whatever she needed. Meredith just kept feeling like she should be able to do it on her own, even though all of them knew it wasn’t going to be like that for a good, long time yet.

A small sound catches John’s attention, and when he looks down, Meredith’s started to dribble some of the formula from the corner of her mouth. He smiles and grabs his burp cloth, quickly wiping her mouth and leaning down to press a kiss to her forehead. “My sweet girl.” He coos softly. “Someone’s making a mess, aren’t they?”

Sam approaches the nursery, blearily blinking sleep from his eyes. “Dad?” He asks, causing John to sit up quickly, as he hadn’t heard Sam approaching. “What’s going on? Is everything okay?” He then sees John is feeding Meredith a bottle, which causes Sam to quirk an eyebrow. “Damn, she really is like an actual infant, huh?” He asks quietly. “Wanting to eat in the middle of the night.” 

John nods his head. “Yeah, but she hadn’t gotten much dinner before that whole thing went down.” He reminds Sam. It seemed like forever ago that the temper tantrum had happened, when in reality, it hadn’t even been twelve hours. “She… I woke up and her stomach was growling.” John says quietly. “But she wasn’t making any noise.” 

Sam winces when he hears those words. Before, whenever Meredith was even a little hungry, she’d been sure to let them know it. Because she’d finally gotten used to the love, the affection, and the feeding. She never thought it was going to be taken away. Now that she was in such a tiny mind state, who knew what she was thinking? It wasn’t like she was a toddler and could attempt to put sentences together to tell them. “We’ll figure it out.” He says quietly. Both of them know the other is worried, but they don’t want to make too big a deal out of it. They just want to hope everything will work out. “I don’t know what we’re going to do yet, but we’ll figure something out.” 

Sending his youngest a small smile, John then looks back down to Meredith, who was now hardly awake while she was finishing up the bottle. “I sure hope so, Sammy.”


End file.
